It’s crazy to think but out of everything that I have shared with you guys – this one has to be the hardest! But – not backing out now so let’s just jump right into this!
I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. In fact – I have the heart and soul of a mother! I feel it inside of me and I’ve always felt I was born to be one. Sure, I’ve had dreams of making it big; having a big house and fancy car; but the dream that I’ve had that outweighs almost every other dream is having children of my own. For starters, I’ve always loved kids (not bad kids; I kid… but no forreal! LOL) and for some reason, they seem to love me too! I get people that are so shocked that I’m 31 with no children but believe me, it’s not like I hadn’t tried! However, looking back on it now – God was in the background making sure I didn’t set myself up for long term hurt! I’ve been in 2 serious relationships in my life and in both I tried my best to get pregnant – even though I knew it wasn’t the best situation! One of them, we were so young that it would have been a mess for both of us. The other was adamant that he didn’t want any more children. On the outside, I agreed with him but on the inside – in my heart, I prayed every single month for almost 5 years that God would somehow, someway bless me to get pregnant! Now – you’re probably wondering – if I was trying, why wasn’t it happening! Ugh! Here we go…….!
So! When I was around 20 years old – I was told that it would be almost impossible for me to have children. I honestly don’t remember walking out of the doctor’s office because I don’t even remember breathing after I heard those words. When I got in the car – I broke down so hard! I cried! I cried! And I cried some more! The one thing I wanted – the one thing I was dying to have, I was just told that it would probably never happen! Now – although I was born and raised in the church – my faith was practically non-existent so it didn’t even occur to me to pray! The only thing I knew to do was to tell my uncle. I called my uncle Jon and told him what they said – he was saying everything he was supposed to say; “God has the final say”; “be encouraged”; “you’re still young”, etc.; but I still didn’t feel any better! All I felt was emptiness! I didn’t want to talk about it anymore or even think about it anymore! Yet it was all I could think about! Everyone around me were having babies, left and right! It seemed as though they could smile and turn up pregnant! And I’m just sitting here – gaining weight as if I were eating for two but nope – those two double cheeseburger, large fries, coke and cookies are juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust for me! Ugh! Sometimes I would just lay in my bed and hold my stomach as if I were pregnant – wondering if God would ever do how he did Mary and let a woman conceive from the Holy Ghost (not that I was virtuous or holy even for that matter at the time, but still!) – yeah yall, I was thinking straight crazy! But when you feel your dream has been stripped from you – you’d be surprised how the mind wanders!
As time went on, I pushed it further and further to the back of my mind and replaced it with jokes, being overly obnoxious about never wanting kids (pretending I had a choice) and drinking! I drank like a friggin fish! Tequila! Patron! Vodka! Give it to crazy Ki! She’s gonna take it down like a CHAMP! But on the inside, every drink I took made me think about the words from the doctor’s lips! I didn’t just drink either – I had to go overboard – do way more than anyone else! My “friends” may take three shots and I had to double it and take 6! All this just to cover up that I was the sad clown! On the outside, I’m smiling, loud, obnoxious and funny but on the inside, I’m crying; sad and hating everything about myself especially that I couldn’t be the one thing that I know I’d actually be good at!
As the years went on, I continued to gain more weight! There is one day I can remember and it’s like so sick that I am literally cringing as I am typing! I looked in the mirror at the weight I had gained – especially in my stomach – and I was so used to sucking my stomach in around people that I didn’t even realize I was doing it when I was alone – so I actually pushed my stomach out to it’s true size; I turned to the side and I rubbed my belly! I rubbed my belly as if there was something in there and I cried! I just didn’t understand why the thing that I wanted the most – especially since God gave me such a heart and soul to be a mom, why wasn’t God giving me what I desired!
Fast forward to years of me abusing myself and then actually getting saved – I was in my relationship but remember – everything intimate stopped because I’M SERIOUS ABOUT LIVING HOLY – PRIVATELY AND PUBLICLY! So I hadn’t thought about getting checked or anything – I just chopped it up forreal! It just wasn’t gonna happen for me and that was that! I ended up needing to have a procedure in January of 2016 to stop the spread of my endometriosis which is something that can cause infertility if left untreated! One of the things the doctor checked (who is the BEST thing since sliced bread, I LOVE YOU DR. S.!) is to see if he saw anything that would prevent me from having kids. My procedure went really well; I now have to take birth control pills for the hormones to suppress the endometriosis. (don’t even let the devil drop in your mind that I’m getting busy either and start rumors about Ol Ki!! LOL! But forreal tho! I haven’t been touched in that manner in almost 4 years, since giving my life to the Lord FORREAL this time and I won’t be touched like that until I am a married woman, okkkkkkkkkkkkkkurrrrrr!) Anwyho, in addition, per Dr. S., everything looks good and I should have no problems getting pregnant and carrying a baby! NOW! Of course – I cheesed like Celie when she kissed Shug Avery! BUT my hope isn’t in the doctor – it’s in God! So, if something went left and I am unable to carry my own child – God will still make a way for me! I am trusting in Him and His plan because His timing and His way is perfect and I know that now! The path that I was on and the things that I hadn’t learned – I wasn’t physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally ready to bring a child into this world! This is just another example of how good God is – He knew! I didn’t! And now that I am a saved woman – I am able to speak more positively about being a mother one day and why God has made me wait!
Don’t get me wrong – one day being a mom is like one of the most important things in the world to me BUT I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad that when I tried to make things happens, it didn’t happen! I sit sometimes and think about things and although I want to be a mom so badly, I don’t want something so beautiful to be tangled in a crappy situation! I would have been accepting less than and I deserve more as well as my baby(s.) Sometimes I feel we are so determined to get something that we’d do anything in order to get it, not understanding that anything that comes quickly is not likely to last or even be good for us!! God will make us wait for some blessings so that once received, we appreciate them so much more! To sound completely cliché’ I want the good, saved hubby and then the baby – I want to do things the way I always wanted and I believe God knew that and is keeping that for me in the appropriate time! He made me caring, nurturing and loving; He has taught me to be patient and understanding; He has made me to be a leader through serving; He has taught me to give unselfishly all of myself; He has put the very essence of a mother in my whole makeup. So, although some days it’s hard to be positive and some days I have dreams of holding my baby or hearing her coo; or seeing my sister hold her (actual dreams that I have dreamt) – I know for now God has me in a season to be a childless mother. Ya’ll keep me in your prayers though because sometimes – discouragement creeps in but thank God for constant reminders that He is right there!
With Beautiful Brokkenness,