I’m sorry!… wait… but why?

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy guys!!!!!! So this piece! Omgosh! Part of some of what I had been going through months prior!! This piece is covering something I’m sure a lot of us have gone through!! So…. here goes!

So I’ve told you guys I was a person that dealt with insecurity heavily in the past! I used to never feel good enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Thin enough, etc. I just didn’t like anything about how I looked on the outside or felt on the inside! However, through giving my life to God – learning who I am in His eyes, my confidence grew as well as me growing spiritually in Him! I get told so much how much I’ve grown. Girls and women telling me that I’ve encouraged them. Gods presence in my life was and is evident and I’ve told you guys before – last year I gave my ALL to Him! I stayed in my word and stayed on my knees praying to My Father! The Bible tells us that if we draw nigh to God, He will draw nigh to us & if I didn’t see it in anyone else’s life, I see it in mine! Now through all God had started doing in my life… showing me how to love myself; Broken, Beautifully; being filled with the Holy Ghost – I could sense a heavy presence of “feeling some kind of way!” There were people I came across that I discerned weren’t as happy on the inside as they portrayed to be on the outside of my growth in life! At first, it was like, “okay, maybe I’m trippin!” But the more I fought it – the more God showed me of the wolves in sheep clothing! Now my crazy self – instead of pushing through and not letting it get to me, I started muting what God was doing in my life! I started apologizing for God’s favor and the goodness that came outta my hard work! Isn’t that just the dumbest thing? But I guarantee I’m not the only one who has done it!

My uncle put it this way one night in Bible study! He said imagine two people entering a race. One trains at least 6 days a week and is eating right; while the other barely makes it to the gym 3 days a week & eats whatever they want! Race day comes and the one who trains hard. The one who started off the race a bit slower – picks up pace in the middle of the race & eventually wins! Then because the one that lost is “feeling some kind of way” – the winner goes and apologizes for winning! DUMB. DUMB. DUMB. Now this is in no way saying to boast in any favor or goodness in our life but it’s saying to stop being ashamed of Gods favor and apologizing for what He does in your life ESPECIALLY if you’ve put in the work to get to that point!

One thing I was so bad of doing and learning to get out of is to stop making people’s problems of me just living my life my own problem! They don’t like my personality? Personal problem. They don’t like my love for God? Personal problem. They don’t like my self confidence/Godfidence? Personal problem! I don’t walk around trying to make others feel bad about themselves but I try to compliment and encourage others when and where I can! Some accept it. Some look at me like I’m crazy but again that’s THEIR. PERSONAL. PROBLEM! We have to stop seeking acceptance from people and know that the only people that need to accept us is God and ourselves; if those two are good then the rest will follow and anyone that is meant to be in your life and is meant for your good – will be there!! I have struggled with wanting to be accepted by everyone so much in my life and a lot of choices I made went south because of that issue! When I reflect back on that and realize that the very ones I was trying to get to accept me are now nowhere in sight it confirms that acceptance from the wrong people is temporary! The people I have in my life right now – the ones I tell everything to and they know things about me that I’ve never shared with anyone – even those things I wish I could forget – omgosh they are like a dream! They accept my quirky, weird, extra, over the top, overly emotional, goofy self and it amazes me sometime how much they love me and push me to be the best I can be! That’s how it SHOULD be – it doesn’t matter where I am in my life – they support it and they push me to do better and I never have to apologize for it and I do the same for them!

If you find when you are growing and doing better in anyway and those around you start to feel some kind of way or act some kind of way or you get that feeling that you need to dim your light – you have some undercover haters in your midst! Now realizing this is the first step to A. making sure you don’t start feeling some kind of way towards them because of their attitude towards you and B. not allowing their problem to weigh you down and become your problem! So, what I started doing was this – I was honest about who those people were with God & myself; despite how close to me I thought they were and despite how upset it made me to realize they were actually being fake towards me the whole time. Once I was honest about it – I started really praying about it! I didn’t pray against them but I prayed against myself – for me to not let it bother me when I could tell they weren’t being genuine and also for God to give me a blind eye and a deaf ear to any further display of undercover haterism and also asked Him to help me to not apologize for what He was doing in my life and to help me to stop dimming my light because it made others uncomfortable!

Now, if you are like me – I spent a lot of years in a shell; not comfortable with myself; thinking I was less than nothing; thinking God could never use me and in the past two years, every thing I’ve thought, the last 30 years has been proven to be an absolute lie! So there are some who would have loved for me to stay in that shell – just like you – stay in your shell because then you’ll stay the same and won’t have any chance of being better! I’ve realized when you’re down, those not good for you type people, are your best friends! They stay in your face. Inviting you places. They’ll always be “there for you!” Checking in on you. However, as soon as you start to overcome and do better – you only hear from them every now & again when they wanna see if you’ve fallen although they disguise it as “how have things been with you?” hahahahahaha! I’m sorry – I just cracked my own self up!

Seriously though!!! Being happy about what God has done for you when you thought you were nothing; of overcoming past hardships when people told you that you’d never amount to anything; of being confident in your skin despite your size – STOP APOLOGIZING BECAUSE IT MAKES OTHERS UNCOMFORTABLE!!! You don’t have to boast to be excited!!! You don’t have to pretend either – be you for you!!

I am a happy, single, plus sized, God-loving, makeup wearing, goofy, fashion obsessed woman that loves to laugh, make others smile and feel better about themselves & who is allowing God to use me in the way He sees fit and I will no longer apologize! Make your declaration today too yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Romans 5:3-5!

2 Timothy 1:8,9

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕💕

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