Broken Beautifully

OMGOSH!!!!!!!!!! How long has it been??? Months! Ugh! I MISSED YALL LIKE SO SO MUCH!!!! But one thing I always made clear is I would not write anything unless God directed me to! And finally…. He said, talk about this! So a lot has happened since the last post – I am married!!!!!!!! May 1st 2020 I married the most amazing man and love of my life!!! Its been almost 4 months and I am so thankful for him and his love even though I know I drive him crazy! LOL! But that’s another post for another day! hahahaha! Anywho, so by the title, you’re probs like, what is the girl about to talk about? Or is she referencing the “Me too” movement that took over the past couple years? Uh no. But I am going to talk about a movement that NEEDS to start heavily especially within the Christian community!

So I’ve been saved for like 6 years I believe! (Sue me, I can’t remember the actual date but I can tell you the details of the day if ya wanna know….🤷🏽‍♀️), moving on🙃; one of the things that I struggled with the most once I got saved is feeling like what I am going through is and has only happened to me! I felt like an alien; a fish out of water; a nomad in a foreign land – you get the point – but I felt like something was wrong with me because I had all of these feelings, desires and thoughts and I expected when I got saved – they’d go away and I wouldn’t have to continue to deal with them! I was soooooooooo wrong!!!! When I got saved this time, I really did it for me! I was really ready to surrender my will and my ways to God and when you get to the place that your only goal in life is to please God – you really want your thoughts, ways and actions to follow! But nobody told me that all of that would NOT come easy! No one told me that it would be a continuous fight of my flesh every single day – and I don’t mean “my flesh” as in sexual desires only but also in not wanting to knock somebody across they head when they talked to me crazy; or not wanting to go smooth off when someone disrespected me or someone I loved; or even battling and keeping my thoughts under subjection when they were acting UP! And man, my thoughts – Lord! All I can say is “God thank You for your help!” because them joints be bananas!!!!! LOL! But no one told me that these things are common to go through on this walk of Salvation! Everyone just gave me the basics! “Repent!” “Humble yourself!” “Resist the devil and he will flee!” “Draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you!” “Keep yourself!” “Love your neighbor as you love yourself!” Okay – but my neighbor isn’t treating me right like I would treat me so what do I do, sir? ma’am? Anybody? No? Alright.

So let me explain to you guys what I mean by “Me too” within the Christian community! On this walk, I have met some amazing people and in conversations we’ve had, I’ve learned that a lot of what I was and am facing, THEY WERE/ARE FACING TOO!!!!!!!!!!! Like it absolutely blew my mind when I realized that someone else battled not understanding why we couldn’t masterbate! (I told y’all, I’m gonna keep it a hunnit at all times sooooooooooo🤷🏽‍♀️) Or sharing that I used to watch porn heavily and someone opening up that they did the same thing! Or telling someone I was abused sexually as a child and that I would still blame myself sometimes as an adult and someone letting me know they suffer with that as well! Or realizing someone else battled constantly beating themselves up because they still didn’t feel worthy of Gods love or forgiveness! Or seeing that even though I am saved, I am still struggling with not so great mental health and someone else was able to say, “sis….. me toooooo!” Do you know the comfort and relief that I felt knowing that I was not alone? Knowing that just because I was going through these things, didn’t mean that I wasn’t saved or along the right path? Because seriously, I was struggling, man! I didn’t understand! Like God – “why isn’t this changing?” “why am I like this?” But God allowed me to get a sense of community and a safe place among others that were/are going through the same things that I was/am! Now, its not to say that we are going through these things and we accept them as OK! No! We have/are going through these things – KNOW THEY WERE/ARE WRONG – and want to be free from them but its hard because we would beat ourselves down thinking something was/is wrong because we still had these desires, thoughts, views, etc. – but seeing that someone else was battling those same things, provided assurance that “there is no temptation that is not common to man…”- it gave us more help to battle those things because we weren’t doing it alone and we had someone battling with us that understood what we were/are going through and that, my friend, is a gift!

See, I feel like in the Christian community we suffer with the idea that we are called to be perfect and make the world think that we are perfect – that we make no mistakes and that once we are saved, we got it figured out – but that’s false. it’s simply not true; its misleading; and its keeping a lot of people away and down because they feel like they have to be perfect too! Jesus didn’t call us to be perfect – we are striving for perfection! Meaning – we are not practicing sin but we do make mistakes. After all, we ARE human! You can be saved, filled with the Holy Ghost and still have to battle to have good mental health. We need to tell people that! Let me start – Whoever you are, reading this – first, I want to tell you that I LOVE YOU AND YOU MATTER!!! Next, whatever you are going through right now – you’re not a weirdo! someone, somewhere has gone through the same thing you are and you may have a relationship with God and love Him very much and you may still be suffering with low self esteem, depression, anxiety, fear, doubt, etc. – it does not mean something is wrong with you! You are human! I am praying for you! And God is there to help you through each of those feelings but don’t be afraid to share that you need help because it’s important to get it, with the right people! Ask God to direct you to a safe place where you can share all of those things without judgement and get the help and support that you need! Don’t be afraid to admit that you may not be where you want to be but be thankful that you’re not where you were! WE ALL HAVE WORK TO DO! Even that person that may be talking negatively about what you do and it seems like they have it all together – mhmmmm – they still need help too!💁🏽‍♀️ ME TOO‼️ I am not where I need to be and need help and guidance every single day!!! Regardless of how it looks on social media, at the church, in the grocery store – we are all battling and if we came together and admitted that and got with ONE ACCORD – oh the power that would fill the temple (temple as in US, individually and the Body of Christ)!

🗣WE NEED TO TALK SAINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we try to be too overly spiritual about everything! We need to be well rounded PEOPLE not just well rounded saints! We need to let people know that we’ve gone to church on Sunday and praised God and thoughts of suicide still came to our mind Monday morning! Don’t act like I am the only one! And even if y’all act like it, I ain’t trippin because I know and you know and we know ya know!😉 But people need to know that being saved does not equal perfect but it does equal a real effort… everyday!

Have you ever felt the comfort that I spoke of earlier? Knowing you’re battling something and hear someone tell you they are or have gone through the same thing – how good did that make you feel that you are not alone? I can tell y’all – it feels absolutely amazing, man! See that’s why God tells us to confess to each other – not just for accountability but for community! I need to know that I am not alone on this earth! I know God is with me always but God doesn’t mean for us to just go to Him! He wants me to have Him above everyone else but He knows – we need people! We need to connect! We need to be honest! Jesus calls us to love, unconditionally! In order to love – it has to be personable – it can’t be robotic! We need to bring real love back into our Christian community! Not calculated, feigned love but pure, personable love! We need to learn to not just read the Word together but learn each other and converse with one another! We’ve gotten too caught up in the look of being Christian instead of actually being a Christ-like Christian! “How you doing?” “Oh I am blessed and highly favored and God does all things well!” Well, all those things are true but you just balled in the car before you stepped into the church; you still got dried up tears on your cheek; so how about being real? What if God put you on that persons heart to ask you how you are doing so that you could get the release/breakthrough you need and you’re so busy trying to save face that you miss it? I ain’t saying broadcast your business with everyone (we are still called to be wise and discern) but I am saying don’t be afraid to be honest about your battles, thinking you are called to always be OK, because your honesty can open the door for a “me too!” moment and you’ll find you’re truly, not alone!❤️🙏🏽

Love y’all beyond!!!!!!!!!!!!!💖

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕