Heyyyyyyyyyyyy!! So no games to play – let’s pick up where we left off!
No genetics testing being done on our unborn child! That was the decision. That’s what we decided. Time to move forward, right? Wrong. That nagging feeling of the unknown is brutal. It’s so daunting. It’s so scary. And your mind never really stays on the possibility of everything working out just fine – nope! Well at least not with me. My mind goes for the worse possible scenario! And now that frame of mind was regarding my baby! My dream. God👏🏽Help👏🏽Me.👏🏽
Looking back – I tried my best to hold it together! I took my prenatal vitamins. I prayed. I talked to my husband about every emotion I felt. I ate good food. I cried when I felt it. I wrote in my pregnancy journal. I read my devos. I read mommy to be blogs. But my mind was always in one place: “what if?” And then on top of all this, I felt the pressure of making sure my “wifely duties” were in order and that I was “on track” in my relationship with God! If you haven’t gotten the gist of it by now – I have had a battle with trying to be perfect in every aspect of my life and that battle within myself causes me to weigh myself down with unrealistic expectations. Everyday my husband made sure I was well taken care of and made sure to let me know there was nothing for me to do except carry our baby and just be but just being wasn’t something that I was used to. Anyone so used to taking care of everything by yourself that being taken care of is so weird it makes you uncomfortable? 🙋🏽♀️ My husband literally had to put his foot down and let me know “SIT👏🏽YO👏🏽BUTT👏🏽DOWN‼️👏🏽” And then when it came to my relationship with God: I was so sick and exhausted most of the time. I couldn’t read and pray with the same energy that I did before and it bothered me really bad! I felt so disconnected from Him. I know that was just a trick from the enemy but I was really feeling a way that I couldn’t give more time, energy and effort in serving God! I wanted to read for hours without feeling like I was going to vomit or talk to Him without falling asleep mid sentence because I was so tired. I felt like I was neglecting Him. I felt like He was a million miles away. Of course He would understand that in my heart, He was still my number one but Him understanding wasn’t enough for me so I was feeling super heavy in my heart and nothing I did would shake it!
As the pregnancy continued, my vitals seemed to be holding up really well and I wasn’t gaining weight uncontrollably, thankfully! I had stopped worrying so much about if my baby, who we had now discovered was a GIRL, had a disability or not since nothing had been seen on the ultrasounds! There was slight worry but for the most part since nothing was SEEN (🤦🏽♀️), I was a little more confident!! Y’all saw that “SEEN,” right??? Lawd. Why was it so hard to just trust the word God had given me that our child was OK? Not because of what I saw but because of what God said?! Believe me y’all – I am working to do better at remembering in these moments that GOD HAS NOT AND CANNOT AND WILL NOT FAIL‼️ So that way I don’t have to go through all of this! Anywho, I was feeling pretty good besides the exhaustion and it had come time for me to take the test to see if I had gestational diabetes! Ugh! Every friend I had that had kids told me about this and how terrible it is because of the drink we have to drink! On top of that – you have to wait for like an hour after you drink it to have your blood drawn and in the midst of COVID, that was not OK!!
PLOT TWIST: My husband and I found out that we had COVID. I mean, really?! 🗣COME ON‼️ Covid during pregnancy was extremely difficult because they can’t really give you anything to soften the symptoms in order to keep the baby safe. I could just take basic cough syrup and suck on cough drops which were no match for what was happening because I had the worse cough and my body was sore from all of the coughing! I had to eat and keep hydrated as much as possible. Which was extremely hard because I’m a person that when I’m sick, I don’t want to do anything. Just give me medicine and let me sleep but it wasn’t just about me but our baby girl. Plus my husband was sick too and his symptoms were way worse than mine so I had to push through even more to help take care of him. All I kept thinking about was my husband and my daughter. No matter what, they had to be alright.😭🙏🏽
After the longest two weeks 🗣OF MY LIFE: we were feeling better & out of quarantine! THANKS TO GOD WHO BROUGHT US THROUGH‼️ We never wanted for anything and even though we were off work, God made ways to keep us afloat! Now it was finally time to take the test to see about the diabetes. The whole time I was thinking – I cannot have gestational diabetes. There is just no way it’s going to happen. I was already feeling like I was dealing with so much and I was feeling as though I was failing my child and stressing my husband out because whatever is going on with me, affects our baby and who wants to keep having conversations about what can be possibly be wrong? Of course my husband NEVER made me feel this way. He was THE most supportive, loving person someone could have in their life but that nagging feeling of having everything perfect kept my mind in that thought process. (SMH FOREVUHHHHHH!!!) Anywho, I got my results back and my blood sugars came back really high so that meant I had to confirm if I had gestational diabetes or not, I had to take the 3 hour test – drink more of the nasty crap and sit in the office for 3 hours while they took my blood every hour. Thankfully, I had awesome nurses and they had me a nice room with a recliner so I was able to nap and read while I waited so it made the process a lot better; however, at the end of the day, I was still diagnosed with gestational diabetes and it got REAL!!! Our baby girl was about 2 weeks ahead of her growth schedule because of my diagnosis and if my blood sugars were not kept under control, it could make things a lot harder for me and the baby during the pregnancy and could result in a C-section versus a vaginal delivery and could even result in our daughter being born having problems with her body processing insulin as well. When the nurse and doctors explained everything to me – although some of their deliveries weren’t the best, I had never felt more like a mamma bear than in those moments. All I kept thinking is, my daughter really needs me to get myself together so she can have the best chance at life available. I could not allow my health to harm her in anyway. I had to change my diet. Drastically.
I WAS HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!! I was on a low carb diet, checking my blood sugars and taking insulin 4 times a day. This was different. This was exhausting. This was a lot. Every time I wanted to give up or not do something, I thought about my baby! I was now going to two different doctors once a week: my OB on Tuesday’s for NSTs and the Maternity office at the hospital for an NST & ultrasound. At 28 weeks. I still felt like I had a long way to go and having all this new stuff was going to make it feel even longer but I just cared about doing whatever I had to do to ensure my daughter and I came through the rest of this pregnancy as safely as possible. So I stuck to my diet and checked my blood sugars and went to the appointments with no complaining and things started to get better. I started losing weight and my baby’s growth rate slowed down to where she was on track for her age in the womb.
Another thing happened: I began to really realize how much I allowed the circumstances to mess with me during my pregnancy and how there was a lot of work that needed to be done within me spiritually. I know God but I started wondering, why is it so easy for me to forget what He has done when life gets messy? It came to me in watching a local preachers sermon: My trust in God is still limited! Ugh! I hate the sound of that but I realized that is exactly where I am. It’s hard to admit it but what have I always said: SELF HONESTY IS THE BEST HONESTY‼️ I shall get free! Yes, God has brought me a long way but I still have so much work to do! Let me let y’all in on a little secret I found out: IF YOU ARE NOT DEAD, GOD IS NOT DONE‼️ Don’t let fear of not looking like you “have it together” keep you from being honest with yourself and getting free!! So yes, I realized that while God has done some amazing work in me and I trust Him more than I did, I still need to learn to trust Him no matter the circumstances!! Especially with what was right around the corner….
Until part 3!
With Broken Beautifulness,