Time was getting closer and closer for us to welcome our baby girl! I was tired all of the time because I had reached the point of not being comfortable unless I was on the couch; it was extremely difficult to sleep at night – not to mention, I was using the bathroom every hour it seemed!🤦🏽♀️ Some relief came though because I had finally accepted the circumstances of everything (potential preeclampsia, gestational diabetes) and I made sure I was following the instructions of my doctors. I realized it wasn’t just up to God to do His job but for me to do mine as well! What was the point of me praying if I wasn’t going to change anything on my end! I had work to do too! Side note: How many of us have prayed about something and then sat back and did NO👏🏽THING👏🏽 but go back to, continue in, etc. in the same mess we just asked God to help us get out of!?🤦🏽♀️ Makes no sense! 🗣I’M TRYNA HELP SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE‼️
Anywho, in the midst of keeping my physical health in check – I was also working on keeping my spiritual health in check! I was sick of my faith being so up and down. I needed to get to the root of why sometimes my fear was bigger than my faith! Why was it so easy when the circumstances had an option to be unfavorable, my faith-o-meter went to “zero?” My husband and I did a Bible plan on YouVersion called “Winning The War Of Your Mind!” One of the best points was this: we cannot focus on behavior modification because it’ll only be temporary but we have to get to the root of the behavior! I realized I was focusing on showing what having faith in my situations looked like but I had never truly had faith in God working my situations out for me! I’d pray but there was a nagging voice in my head saying “He isn’t going to do it for you…. Because it’s you.” Am I the only one that heard that voice? That joint loud ain’t it?!😩 Oooooo it got real uncomfortable for me because I love God and I’m out here telling anyone who will listen and even some people who don’t, about what a wonder God is but then I’m not even believing Him to be a wonder in MY life!🤦🏽♀️ Somebody make it make sense!!! Okay, okay. (let me focus.) Now, God didn’t stop there. Once He let me truly see about my lack of faith, then we went to the next step and this put my entire life into perspective because it explained why it was so difficult to have faith when it comes to my own life….. y’all ready for this? It boiled down to one word: Rejection. When He revealed that to me, it literally blew my mind and brought tears to my eyes. That explained why it was so difficult to trust God with everything in my life: fear that I would always be rejected by God – no matter what I did – because of all of the rejection I had received from people – no matter what I did. Actually writing that statement, breaks my heart. The crazy part is this: I know in my heart that God won’t do me like people but my mind always said otherwise! At the time, I didn’t realize why my mind was the loudest voice – I know now but I’ll get into that in another post because it’s too good and it needs its own section!🤣
Anywho, the last trimester of my pregnancy was honestly amazing besides the extreme tiredness & being so limited in doing things. For the most part, I was feeling good and just ready to see my baby girl!! My blood pressure was perfect my entire pregnancy but all of a sudden, it started being really high! It wasn’t yet “dangerous/preeclampsia” high but high enough that my OB upped my dosage from one pill a day to now twice a day!!! I got a little nervous but just tried to keep trusting that everything was okay. My OB decided that at 38 weeks, if I didn’t go to into labor before then, he would induce me. I felt like we weren’t going to make it to 38 weeks! Our daughters head was in the birthing position. I was huge. She was coming soon. She HAD to come soon.😩🤣 So one day I’m home and I started feeling kind of weird. I thought maybe I was just imagining things but the feeling wouldn’t go away. I took my blood sugar and it was normal. Then I took my blood pressure and it was kinda high so I went and laid down to see if I started feeling better and I didn’t. I checked my blood pressure again and it was higher. I called my OBs office and was told to go to Labor & Delivery ASAP to get checked out. Omgosh. I let my job know I was logging out. I knew I wasn’t coming back home pregnant. I just felt it. It was too close to me being 38 weeks. This. Was. Happening. I called my husband. Thank God he only worked like 10 minutes away even though he got to me in what seemed like 2 minutes.🤣 I had already had my hospital bag packed so I grabbed it. I then just walked around my house imagining our daughter in every room I walked in. As I walked, I talked to God; just asking Him to settle my nerves because my BP being high could mean I was preeclamptic and I did not want to have a C-section! Chris got to me. We got all packed up in the car and headed to the hospital. By then, I was surprisingly a lot calmer than I expected I would be. I think it was a combination of ready to see my baby, sick of being pregnant and a little more trust in God that it would be OK. We got to the hospital and my BP was not coming down so of course they had to admit me. We let our immediate family know – ready or not – it’s happening sooner than expected! They got me to a room. Hooked me up to an IV. Here we go.
I went into the hospital on 07/23/2021 about 12:30 in the afternoon and on 07/24/2021 at 1:50 PM, Kristian Rae’Lynn Simon – two days before Mommy’s birthday – made her way into the world! Natural labor was one of the hardest, most painful experiences I’ve ever had but it was also the most beautiful, fulfilling and rewarding experience of my life! My husband didn’t leave my side; he, along with my mommy and mother in love helped me through the process! Still to this day it amazes me that I actually pushed this perfect little human out but I couldn’t have done it without them and God! God gave me the perfect combination of people to be my support team and man, I’m so very thankful!!!
I learned so much during my journey of pregnancy! There are things that I initially wished I could’ve done differently but ultimately, it happened, I can’t change it and I just want to make sure I’m striving to do better, so the next pregnancy, if we decide to try again, won’t have those obstacles! Since giving birth, I’ve dropped all of my pregnancy weight and I’ve loss 20 lbs of my pre pregnancy weight! My goal is to get off the blood pressure medication and to ultimately be mindful of what I’m putting into my body! Especially since I’m nursing our child! So even when I want to give up or not care, I remember – God has blessed me with what I’ve always wanted and it’s a dishonor to God to not take care of myself in order to be the best Mommy I can be! I can pray all day for healing from high blood pressure but what am I doing that shows I want healing also? Like I told y’all – why pray if you’re not going to do your part?! There’s work to be done! Go do it!!
I want to end this by speaking to the women who are dying to be a Mother and you feel like it can’t or won’t happen for you – rather the doctors tell you “No” or you haven’t been found by the man God has for you: DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF AND YOUR DREAM BUT INSTEAD GIVE IT TO GOD!!! I spent years worrying and wondering if I’d ever be a Mommy and trying to do it my own way and it put a lot of extra stress and problems in me that I could have avoided!!! When I gave it to God and surrendered to Him doing things His way – even though sometimes I didn’t always trust like I should – it worked out better than I could have ever imagined! So just think about how things can turn out if you really add some faith to it! Your wait will be a lot better!!! But whatever you do – DON’T STOP BELIEVING THAT IT WILL HAPPEN! I look at my daughter and I am still amazed that after all of the years I dreamed of being a Mommy and the doctor telling me “No” and every time the pregnancy test came back “negative” – GOD WAS JUST WAITING FOR HIS PERFECT TIME!!! And I can honestly say – His way is absolutely the best, most perfect way! I’m glad all of my “No’s” led to His perfect “Yes!” And if He did it for me – He can and will do it for you! Don’t be like I WAS though – TRUST HIM through the process!
With Beautiful Brokenness,