FEELINGS! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! FEELINGS! PART 1!

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll! How long has it been?!? Seems like FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! Ya’ll I’m going to be honest – I’ve been absolutely going through it!!! Dealing with the loss of my uncle, PTSD from the tornado which caused me to lose my car AND home on top of all the daily stresses this life seems to bring….. LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I’ll get into that in detail at a later time because I got something cooking so I don’t want to give anything away! However, some of what God has been allowing me to learn and relearn these past few months is what I’m dropping in this post!!!! So let’s just jump right in, shall we?!?!?! It might be all over the place because feelings be trippin😩🤦🏽‍♀️ but stick with me – there is a point!

So…. first off….. why is life so hard, bruh? Omgosh!!!! I was telling a friend – I feel like I’ve been fighting my WHOLE life and these past few months had me soooooooooooooooooooo emotional and at times overwhelmed but man, I am so thankful for God and the people He has around me because without that combo, I feel like I would have gone crazy with stressing and just at times even BEING! Whoooo! So one day I was reading my devotional and just really trying to get my mind back to a space where I’m like, “Okay God – here! This. this. and that is for You. I cannot deal with ANY of it.” and one of the things that was on my mind at the time was the feelings of never feeling like I am enough or feeling as though I have to do more than the average person to just be normal, worthy, etc. This is something I’ve gotten better at as God has come into my life but something I battle with at times! The fear of feeling “less than” come paralyze you in ways that are surprising to even you and from the beginning I’ve always felt like something was wrong with me. Like for starters, “where is my dad? why he ain’t stick around? must be something wrong with me.” or “oh those girls don’t want to be my friend? they want to bully me and talk about me? ugh! must be me.” and even, “he cheated on me. he grabbed me by the throat. he abused me. – here we go again, it’s me – I did something to deserve this!” I have had a nasty habit of allowing others and making myself feel less than as well as accepting full blame in all situations even when I’m smart enough to see that what someone was doing to me was wrong but in my mind and heart – the root of it was because it was me! I’ve told ya’ll this before, I’m sure but if not – this where we at, OK? Okay. So, I’ve definitely realized my worth and learned that it’s NOT okay to be mistreated in any way regardless of the relational ties BUT how many know that the devil will always try to suck you back into an old frame of mind once you feel like you’ve finally overcome it???? 🙋🏽‍♀️ he may lay off that thing for a while but just when you skipping through sunshine and rainbows, he’ll sneak up on you dropping those thoughts in your mind to trap you mentally and ultimately physically, emotionally and spiritually! This is why it’s so important to have a prayer life (when things are going good AND bad), time in your Word and people you KNOW are PRAYING for you and not PREYING on you! Okkkkuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!💁🏽‍♀️

Now, the part that got my attention in this devotional was this line, “you don’t need to create the light – just simply receive the light ——- you are enough!” I sat there kind of in a daze! Like you know you’ll hear something 35 times and then on the 36th time it clicks in your mind like, “😳ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I GET IT!” Yeah, that’s how this was!!! See I hear people saying – “oh my gosh, you’re glowing!” “God is so evident in your life!” “I can’t even imagine you that way you say you used to be!” – you hear these awesome, amazing things about yourself but somehow they are drowned out at times by the negativity around you and the LIES OF THE enemy! “You’re not worthy of God’s blessings.” “He can’t use you!” “Remember what you did??” AHHHHH! So my question is, why is the negative so heavy on us and the positive remains skinTy???? Because if we’re being honest (remember SELF HONESTY IS THE BEST HONESTY👀), most of us will believe the negative about ourselves or even the lies the enemy will drop in our mind than we will the positive because it’s just easier to believe! You tell an intelligent, beautiful hardworking single woman that she will one day meet an amazing man who will love, respect and honor her as she’s always desired and I guarantee you’ll see a look of uncertainty on her face even if she says she “receives it!” Or you tell a young, black man in an underprivileged neighborhood that if he works hard and goes to school that he’ll one day have the career, family and life he wants without selling drugs, etc. – you’ll probably get a “yeah iight.” type response! This mind frame is because we’re thinking beneath us because we focus on our ability or the circumstances around us instead of our BIG GOD and the blessings He has, can and WILL provide for us! But wait…. there’s more!!! Then we try to do it ourselves and we end up disappointed because of how things turn out because we aren’t leaning on who we’re supposed to lean on….GOD! This mindset is also because we honestly lack FAITH at times!!! Faith doesn’t have to see it but will still allow you to believe that greater is coming!!! Sometimes I think we’ve gotten so spoiled and we’re just used to God throwing blessings that when He has to take His time on a blessing and we’re not ready for it – we pout and try to do it ourselves and complain and all those shenanigans instead of just staying prayerful and remembering that God is NOT slack concerning His promises! If He said… you can count on it! We just have to stay faithful and prayerful even when it gets rough and there is no light in sight!

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve put things into my own hands; planned it all out just to have it KABOOM all in my face!!!! Because I was always so used to doing things myself (when I didn’t have to because God was there then just waiting but anywhoo…), it’s sometimes easy to slip into that habit (thank God He checks me before I have a chance to make a mess of things!) but when I truly give it to Him – it may not work out how I expected it to work out but it works out perfectly! So I’ve had to keep reminding myself when the enemy tries to bring negative thoughts, etc. to my mind – my light shines bright because the SON is all around me! It’s not in me or what I do but it IS in me submitting my life, my thoughts, my WHOLE self to Jesus and allowing Him to truly work in me and through me! Don’t get me wrong – in some things, it’s easier said than done but as you do it, it truly does get easier; especially when you’re constantly in prayer, fasting and reading the Word! I am not selling anyone a dream! Listen! I’ve tried the product and it works!!! JESUS TRULY DOES WORK!!!!!! Like, people are so afraid to give Him a try and that’s what gives me my drive to get beyond myself (because sometimes I doubt myself…. ya’ll pray my strength – I am human but I am getting better) and talk about what He’s done for me because if you KNEW me then you KNOW that Jesus saves. delivers. set frees. restores. revives. refreshes. AND renews because I wasn’t a hot mess – I was THEE hot mess… BUT GOD!! But I also want to show that even though He has changed me – it ain’t easy street! I still have battles just like everyone else but the difference is God lightens my load…. when I’m smart enough to give it to Him!!…..

Okay….. so I got a LOT more to say – a little more detailed BUT I gotta break it up for yall!! See ya next time!!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

Prepared for Greater: THANK YOU!

“If it had not been for the shaking,

I never would have been ready for the making, no

If it had not been for the beating,

I would have never knew how anointed I would be.

If it had not been for the pressing,

I wouldn’t be able to walk into my destiny.”

 

I am sitting here listening to Jekalyn Carr’s “Greater is Coming” with tears in my eyes because as I listened to the words of this song, it made me think of what I’ve gone through in my own life and without it, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today. It also confirmed to me God’s desire for me to write this post as He put it on my heart to do so, Sunday evening.

Nobody likes to feel pain. We don’t like to be uncomfortable. Yet, sometimes those are the very things that make our lives more powerful than we could have ever imagined. At least, that’s how I feel about my life. For those who have been on this journey with me from the beginning – you’ve read of the things that I have gone through in my life. You’ve read about the insecurities. The bullying. The abuse – mentally, emotionally, sexually and physically. You’ve read how I considered suicide. You know that this has not been an easy journey in the least. This isn’t something anyone would read and say – “Ooooo I want her life!” No – this isn’t the fairy tale story you dream of as a little girl. Yet, if I could talk to young Kiesha right now – I’d look that little girl in the eyes – eyes full of hopes & dreams and the soul crushing desire to be loved and I’d tell her that this journey is going to hurt. That it’s going to test all the strength she has within her and even what she doesn’t; that she’d be betrayed beyond what she thought possible and that it’s going to hurt her and break her heart in more pieces than anyone could count  – but I’d tell her that in time she will realize that it’s WORTH IT!

I think back over this past weekend – the vision that God gave me for Broken Beautifully – to reach women – old and young to help them see themselves as God sees us: Beautiful. Fearless. Worthy. Priceless. Amazing. Strong. POWERFUL. I saw the vision play out right before my eyes and I am in complete awe of God! Our FIRST annual women’s service, “The Power of A Woman When The Power of God is Within Her!” was nothing short of amazing. I saw women lay before God and surrender themselves. I saw women come together to encourage and help one another. I saw women literally carrying each other as they gave themselves and their burdens to God. I saw support. I saw power. I saw LOVE. As I watched this play out before my eyes – God let me know, “you see why you cannot give up?” This is not to say there is any power in me – I am simply a willing vessel. However, God uses the things we’ve gone through as our testimony and ultimately our ministry and with what I saw Saturday, I think to myself – what if I would’ve given up? What if I would’ve cancelled the service because it didn’t seem as though it was coming together? What if I would’ve cancelled it because there wasn’t as much support as I was hoping for? The blessings that fell from Heaven; the deliverance that took place; the Word; the fellowship – all of that would’ve not happened on that night, in that place, all because I would have allowed what was going around to hinder what I know God is doing & using within me! But before all of that – what if I had never gone through the things I went through! There wouldn’t have been the vision of Broken Beautifully! Think of Jesus! His victory came AFTER He went through hurt, pain and betrayal! All of those things pushed Him towards His destiny and ultimately gave Him ALL POWER!

During the open panel discussion – Evangelist Tiffiney Birdsong told us that we should THANK those who have hurt us in the past! WHAT A GOLDEN NUGGET! Now some people would be like, “what???” But when you think about it – when you take the hurt and pain you’ve gone through and allow God to use that for good – your life will be transformed because you realize – through trying to help someone else, God is healing me and not only that – GOD IS USING ME! (OH to be used by God! Nothing like it!)

If it had not been for the restless nights. The millions of tears cried. The heartache and heartbreak. The neglect. That hate. The bullying. The BREAKING – I wouldn’t have been put back together even better than I was before!

I wanna tell anyone who is battling with brokenness still – GIVE IT TO GOD! Let go of all the hurt and pain – it won’t be easy but it will be worth it and one day, I promise you – one day you’ll be able to genuinely do what I am about to!

I dedicate this post and I truly thank from the bottom of my heart to each person who has done/said the following:

  1. Lied on, talked about, hated on me.
  2. Physically abused me.
  3. Sexually abused me.
  4. Mentally abused me.
  5. Emotionally abused me.
  6. Falsely accused me.
  7. Plotted against me.
  8. PREYED on me.
  9. Cheated on me.
  10. Made me feel or called me ugly, fat or anything in the ugly/fat family.
  11. Not had my best interest at heart.
  12. BROKE ME.

You have made this journey interesting. You’ve made this journey rough at times but ultimately you pushed me into the arms of the most wonderful man I’ve ever known – JESUS CHRIST and His love has refreshed, revived and restored me in ways that I never thought possible! He has given my life purpose in Him and in the process, He has blessed me with amazing people that truly support, inspire and push me to keep HIM first and to be the best version of myself EVERY DAY! So y’all ROCK like an unstable cradle! I love y’all the long way and know that you meant it for my bad but God TURNED IT – turned it so much that instead of bad, I am PRAYING for your prosperity and favor and that one day God will change your life as He did mine!

Peace. Love. And Good Skin.

 

With Broken Beautifulness,

-Kiesh

Not An Option!

They probably look at me wondering why I’m not giving up;

Why I keep on pushing; how I’m built so tough.

There’s so much for me to do so there’s no way I’m stopping;

I’ve made up my mind, stepping out of this race is not an option.

 

You can hate on my every move; you can laugh all in my face;

You can plan my downfall; you can try to slow my pace;

You & your friends, my name all up in ya’ll gossiping;

That ain’t gonna work either; slowing down is not an option.

 

I know who I am now; that’s not defined in people’s version;

Speaking lies, rumors and assumptions; their opinion I’ll stay swervin’.

I got me a solid circle; I don’t care who’s flip, flopping;

God showed me who I can be so winning is the only option!

 

– Kiesh

 

 

 

 

Let’s Connect!!!!!

✨BROKEN BEAUTIES SPEAK!!!!!!!!✨ So many times we are ashamed to hide from our past. The things that we’ve gone through, the pain we have endured, the losses we’ve suffered. Yet, there is POWER in sharing your story – not just for others but yourself & as a safe, judgement free zone, I want you to feel comfortable in speaking your truth! So if you would like to share it with us – doesn’t have to be long if you don’t want it to be and you can be anonymous if you’d like – your identity will NOT be revealed to anyone!!!! You can speak how you overcame your battles no matter what they are or if you’re trying to figure it out! We wanna hear from, support and encourage YOU!!! Please email me @ brokenbeautifully@icloud.com! This movement is to help other women as well as continue to help ourselves! Let’s join together, speak out & take our power back!!!!! 💕💕💕

She is Beautiful!

Early morning, she rises; thanks to God for a brand new day;

An endless amount of things to do, but she knows He’ll always make a way.

She’s so tired, her reality is starting to feel like a dream;

Traffic’s backed up, coffee on the go; already she’s wanting to scream.

Finally to work, “GLORY!”; she jumps right into her tasks;

“Good mornings!” and fake smiles from people who live in their masks.

Another prayer to God; “Lord keep my mind stayed on you!”

“Help me to treat everyone with kindness despite what they say or do!”

Phone is ringing, emails are coming; so many patient’s left to see;

Family drama; texts from her momma; and now she’s hungry.

Quick bite to eat; regain sanity; open her Word to get back on the goal;

“And after you have suffered a little while…”; “Oooo, Lord I felt that in my soul.”

Back to work; okay, she’s ready; got her pace gracefully flowing;

Jammin’ to her gospel; “Push through Jesus!”; now let’s really get this going.

Work pile getting smaller; “Thank you Lord! I finally can breathe now!”

Error on the computer screen broadcasting that “ALL SYSTEMS ARE DOWN!”

“Lord please give me strength, this day is getting on my last nerves!”

She grabs her phone, pulls up her app and starts reading all the words!

“Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.”

Flip to Psalm 145 and 8; it starts by saying “The Lord is gracious….!”

Okay, let’s try again; seems like the system is moving along;

This time she’s keep the Word in her heart and the verse of her favorite song.

“You don’t know what He’s done for me! He gave me the Victory!” she sings

She finished all her work and knows it was only because of her King!

Time to head home and prepare to do it all again tomorrow;

No complaining; no doubting; where He’s leading, she will follow.

Sometimes she gets frustrated because every part of life seems so crucial;

But she never forgets to rely on God & that’s why She is Beautiful!

 

– Kiesh

 

Unknown.

How? How can I possibly believe what I can’t see? How can I grasp my mind around the concept that the things I cannot see are greater than what I can? Unknown. How can I trust in the Unknown?

 

Unknown.

 

Why? Why would you tell me to hope in what my senses cannot meet? Why would you take me through these valleys so low that to see a way out is a foreign concept to my mind? Why take away everything I know and stick me in a place where the sound of the Unknown is so loud, I cannot bear it? Unknown. How can I trust the Unknown?

 

Unknown?

 

I made you. I formed every part of you. I knew you before you knew yourself; before the world even knew you existed, I knew you; My arms were your first cradle.

 

Unknown? 

 

Am I not God? There is nothing Unknown to me; nothing hidden; nothing secretive. I see it before it comes to pass. I formed the heavens and earth; the mountains & the sea with a command of My word! For no matter the kings & rulers of this world, I am still God! For there is nothing Unknown to me.

 

Unknown?

 

How could you believe I would take you to the Unknown? Don’t you understand that when it looks Unknown to you, I am asking you to trust in who I am because it is all Known to me. There’s nowhere you can go that I cannot find you. There’s no valley too low that I cannot reach out & grab you. I love you. I am protecting you when you don’t know you need protecting. I am your God. Your Father. Your Friend. For all that you are & will be; everywhere you go…. even when you feel alone… I am there & My presence will always be made Known. 

 

If you don’t believe unless you see it, your faith cannot grow, My child; and these tests you will face in life…. your faith is gonna get you through. Even in what you feel is the Unknown. It’s working for your good.

 

Never be afraid… just Know Me. 

Unknown.

There is no Unknown when you belong to Me.

– Kiesh