BULLYING SURVIVOR: Nathan Kelly!

“As a child, I exuded a tremendous amount of love and sympathy for people; desiring for everyone to display forgiveness, compassion, and appreciation for one another. My dream of what life should be, quickly detoured, and became my reality. The scrutiny, silent judgment, and the slandering of my name crushed my heart. Everywhere I turned, I became weighed down by others scornful words. Being mentally and emotionally abused reshaped how I viewed love and what the world consists of.

While I was torn to shreds by the vicious words of the world (even by members in my family) I was left with so many questions: Why me? Am I good enough? Maybe, life would be easier if I ended it all? These questions suffocated me to the point I was gasping for air—wishing and praying that I would be released! 365 days out of each year I lived with a monster that belittled, tormented, and judged my character. Imagine everywhere you turned, there was only pain. Being bullied became my norm; I hated it but expected it at the same time. I thought I would never see a day where peace would be a part of my everyday life, BUT HERE I AM! Set free and mentally and emotionally released from worrying about the opinion of others! God’s love is what held me up and took me through! So, I say to the one that is facing bullying, SURVIVE!”

#nomorebullying #brokenbeautifully #wearebrokenbeautifully

“What my insecurity looked like!” from Jennifer Greer

Whew where do I start? I still remember the 1st time I heard it.. “You’re the black version of Miss Piggy”… at the time it didn’t click I was being made fun of because we were just playing normal. It wasn’t till I told my mom what was said and she wanted to know who said that to me, that it was more to it than I realized. As I got older I continued to gain weight, then I had to start wearing glasses so that made it worse. Kids befriended me because my mom worked crazy hours so I was always home alone, so they used that for their time to do whatever with whomever, and I of course allowed it wanting to fit in. Guys would act like they wanted to talk to me, but all they really wanted was one thing only to get mad when I said no, and proceed to tell me they didn’t want my fat black self anyway, they were doing me a “favor”. I began to wish and dream I was someone else, preferably a smaller light skin version of myself because it seemed that’s who people flocked too. So many nights I cried myself to sleep hating my life, hating myself, wanting to be different so bad, not understanding why I couldn’t look like my father who was light skin, or my grandmother. I allowed my insecurity to rule my life, became a puppet to many so I would feel important, especially with men. I would tell myself this was okay and nothing will ever change that, allowing men to mistreat me, verbally and physically BUT GOD showed me that I was more than that. Now I’m a mother to two beautiful girls, and I remind them daily we are not defined by our weight, our skin color nor how we dress; that we are beautiful inside and out. There are moments those insecurities creep up but I remind them and myself, I may be black, I may be big but God reminds me daily, I’m beautiful!❤

You are beautiful! Walk in that truth EVERYDAY!!

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“What my Insecurity looked like” from Adair Ellis!

I can remember all the way back in school being made fun of. I was talked about because of the color of my skin, because I wore glasses and whatever else people could say, they would. As I grew older I began to believe these things people would say about me. I felt ugly and did not know my worth. People all through school and even my friends never knew my life beyond school hours and the things I was struggling with. Not knowing my father, my mom out doing drugs leaving me home to play mommy and not understanding life at all at such a young age, on top of trying to act like the rude comments didn’t affect me. I didn’t know who I was! I started dating. I would talk to whoever would talk to me. Sleeping with guys, thinking I could keep someone with the power of you know. Even in relationships men always cheated on me! I felt so unattractive inside and out. Intimidated by women who I felt looked better than me. I became a mean individual. I really struggled with my identity. I found my comfort in being alone and making money which was working jobs to make myself look better! That never worked either, I still felt ugly and was being promiscuous. Now that I have found God, I am slowly but surely learning who I am. But I am learning that God made me in his image and I am learning to love the skin I’m in!

The proof is in her smile!!!!💕😍

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“What my Insecurity looked like” from Zontaye Richardson!

I’m not sure how or when it started, but somehow over the years I became self conscious about my smile. I was insecure about my imperfect teeth and I was ashamed to show them. In pictures, I would give this grin that I thought was a smile. My friends and family would always tell me to smile and my response was that I was smiling. In my mind, I thought that I was genuinely smiling, but in actuality I was hiding my flaws.

It wasn’t until recently that I have finally started to embrace what I would call my imperfect smile. It took a lot of encouragement from those close to me to get over my insecurities. The process has been so liberating that now I can not imagine not smiling.

This journey to embracing my smile has been more than just a change in how I look outwardly, but how I feel inwardly. I am truly learning to love myself inspite of all my imperfections and flaws.

Beautiful! Don’t ever stop smiling!!💕💕

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Scars to Beauty Marks!

Part Three

“…The Bad & The Good!”

I started to write this and I thought to myself – “Dag Kiesh! This is a lot!!!” Like, I thought I could put all of this in one entry but from the moment I started writing “The Breakup”, my heart has been in this and yall, my heart flows!!!!!!!!!! Ain’t no half stepping or tip toeing anymore. I promised myself I’d pour everything in me into this and I pray each time before writing that God blesses me to tell my story, my way. Without fear of judgement, criticism, hatred, mockery, etc. It’s going to come so I might as well help someone in the process! So, please bear with me, my Broken Beauties! Yes, I am naming you guys! We are BROKEN BEAUTIES!

Alright – so we discovered “The Ugly!” part of this story and I can’t stop, won’t stop now – in my Diddy voice! HA! “…..The Bad” for me is something we’ve all heard about, seen people deal with and maybe at one time dealt with ourselves but we getting into it anyway!

LOW SELF ESTEEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

When I looked in the mirror, I always found something that if changed would make me so much better and attractive to the opposite sex but the biggest thing I wanted to change about myself was my size! I know some people are so cut and dry to say “just work out and lose the weight!” which I did! I lost 60 lbs. and I might as well had still had that weight on me because it wasn’t good enough for me! I would look at pictures of myself when I was 16 or 18 – flat stomach, hips, butt, small boobs and toned arms – guess what though – I THOUGHT I WAS FAT THEN!  When you have low self-esteem, you’re never satisfied with yourself. Well, at least I wasn’t; I don’t know who else feels me on this! But you lose weight; change your hair color; dress different – trying to achieve a look that we’ve seen on someone else that was appealing to us or others. Yet it never looks quite as good on us as it did on them so we’re back at square one! After much prayer, reading and Self-Honesty, I realized that it never looked quite as good because IT. WASN’T. FOR. ME! See people are so busy trying to be, look like, sound and act like, someone else that they are completely forgetting who they are. Why in the world are we all made different if we are just going to spend our time, money and energy trying to be like everyone else? Doesn’t that sound dumb!? You think God is in the business of wasting time? He just took the time to individualize every crease and crevice of each of us. How we sound. Our laugh. Our freckles or the lack there off, just so we could suppress our individualism and be like the person we see at work. Or at school. Or on TV? Doesn’t make sense, does it? But that’s what we do! That’s what I did. I felt if I could just be this size, my eyes slanted a little, lips a little fuller, waist a little smaller, etc. things would be great and then I at least got to the size I wanted and I was still unhappy!

So, in addition to my routine I added a book by Iyanla Vanzant called “One Day My Soul Just Opened Up: 40 Days and 40 Nights Toward Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth!” In addition to everything I was doing – this gave me a very raw look into myself. The more I began to read, the more I realized that it didn’t matter what size I was. How much money I had. If I had a man or not. If I didn’t start on Kiesha – all of that would be in vain and I’d eventually burn it all down because I was not centered within myself. First, I planned to fall in love with myself. How do you fall in love in general? You learn about the person. You spend time with the person. You learn to accept that person flaws. You look for the best in the person. So, I began to take time out for me. I could name what everyone else liked to do but what did I like to do? I think I would like to be really pampered. Something I’ve always wanted but never got so let’s start there. I got my hair done. I got my nails and toes done. I came home and ran me a hot bubble bath and I just enjoyed being quiet with myself. I began to do that regularly – just take time for myself. No phone. No TV. Just me, myself and I. I’d light incense all around my house. Jasmine is my favorite. Sometimes I’d read a book in the tub. Sometimes I’d just listen to the music. Sometimes I’d pour me some apple juice in a pretty glass and sip my apple juice in the tub. Yup! I went THAT far! And then one day, I walked past a mirror. Normally, I’d scurry past a full body mirror unless I was at an angle that I thought flattered me in the right way but on this day, I just stood there and looked. I looked at my stomach. My big legs and thighs My flabby arms. The stretch marks. The dimples. The roll in my back. I stood there, turning around and looking at all of me and I said, “This is me.” – It wasn’t a bold, overly proud statement but it was an honest statement. Then I looked closely at my face. My scarred face physically and emotionally. Scarred physically from me popping pimples when my granny told me not too. Scarred emotionally from the number of tears that had streamed down this face. There’s a freckle. Here’s another one. And another. And another. (I never had any clue they were even there!) Look at your lips. They’re so small but they aren’t skinTy. You got a little pout. It’s just enough for you. Look at your nose. How narrow it is. I like my nose. I love my lips. This is me! This is you Kiesh! Not the girls on the TV. Not your friend. Not anyone else. This is you. You’re perfectly you! You may not be perfect to others but you’re perfectly Kiesha; walk in who YOU are – not who you think someone wants/expects you to be! You gotta be you! God made you! You are wonderfully made! You’re a peculiar treasure! There is no one else like you! Love you! Be you! Enjoy you!” I stood there listening to all those thoughts shooting through my mind and it was like a light switch flipped in my brain! You ain’t bad girl! You good because you’re YOU! For me to have the love I’ve always desired, I had to learn to love who I was first! At any size, with every flaw. I couldn’t give love to anyone else if I couldn’t give it to myself first!! How can I expect someone to love me if I don’t even love myself? What kind of sense does that make!? I want a daughter one day – how I can teach her to love herself if I don’t even love myself. We all gotta learn to practice what we preach!!! Learning how to love myself and falling in love with God and His word – things were actually looking up. I didn’t have a car still but this isolation was giving me elevation in the areas that were so low to the ground they were practically non-existent! I know in my heart, the things I had in my mind to do – God directed me to do those things. I needed to be stripped down and rebuilt spiritually, mentally and emotionally – the physical part of it could come later but my inward man – that needed to be renewed and refreshed and God was handling His business!

“…The Good!”

Finally, right!?! First let me start by saying this is not the part where I tell you I wake up singing “Oh Happy Day!” or that I never have days where I feel bloated and meh! Or that I never remember some of the awful things people have said and done to me or that people don’t ever get on my nerves because I’ve learned self-honesty so I’m gonna always keep a HUNNIT with ya’ll. What I will tell you is that I do not allow those things to CONTROL ME OR MY ACTIONS ANYMORE!!! Things happen and they hurt and they never go away completely, in my opinion, but I feel that when you’re in the process of being healed of that pain or healed of it completely, it doesn’t control who you are and what you do! It’s not the first thing you remember in the morning and the last thing you think of before going to sleep. It’s not the topic of all your conversations. You’re able to see the people that hurt you and not want to run them over with a Hummer – self-honesty ya’ll, remember? LOL!! But forreal – it’s there but it’s not! I had to deal with heartbreak, lose my only vehicle, face the hurt from my past and start to accept who I was and learn to love that person genuinely but first I had to learn how to love God!! God allowed all those things to happen so I could start from square one. Him. The more I learned to love God, the more I learned how to love myself and to my surprise, I started learning how to love others better as well; not just my family and friends but people I didn’t even know. God put a love for people down in my heart and an unselfish spirit in me and He is strengthening that even today! See I didn’t realize, the hurt and pain that I had cut me off from everyone – possible new relationships, myself and even God! I didn’t know really how to love without limits but I knew that I wanted that kind of love! People don’t realize that it’s hard to accept God loves you without limits when the people who are supposed to love you without limits, don’t. Hard pill to swallow my friend! But this whole journey was a breaking down of the foundation I had built of hurt, pain, hate, lies to others and myself, disappointments, fear and self-doubt and the building of a solid one filled with forgiveness, understanding, patience, forbearance, joy & love for myself, others and GOD! God was literally doing a NEW THING IN ME!!!! I was still in my Word like crazy – asking questions and trying to learn more of how to be better and do the things that were pleasing in God’s sight; my prayer life was getting better and I was learning how to express myself when new feelings came to me so I wouldn’t let those things fester…. God was moving in my life and for once, I wasn’t standing in the way trying to direct how He did it!!! I started learning how to be genuinely thankful for everything in my life – even me not having a car, although inconvenient, I wasn’t complaining! I was grateful for when I had a ride and grateful when I didn’t. I prayed. I kept thanking God. I kept being faithful. And then one Friday morning…. Almost 6 months after totaling my car, I got a call while I was at work that let me know God ain’t never forgot about little ole Kiesh! I walked out of my job and was handed the keys to my new car! It wasn’t new in year but it was new to me, nice, clean and MINE!!!! I was in utter shock! I couldn’t even believe it. I never thought I would be getting blessed like this but here I was! I was speechless! Someone else might look at me driving Big Red (yes that’s her name) and think – that car is too big, that’s a man’s car but I cherish her! She’s mine and she was God’s gift to me!

It’s crazy that I can sit here and say that I will be 32 years old July 26th if the Lord blesses me to see it and the last year and a half of my life is the first time in EVER that I’ve experienced TRUE happiness! I look at the smile on my face in my pictures now and I see it’s genuine, from the inside, out! I could sit here and feel down because I spent literally all of my life allowing others and negativity to take away any goodness that came my way but God showed me – I allowed those things to happen to you so you could help someone find their way NOW! I could’ve taken my life. I could’ve kept searching for love in all the wrong places. I could have let men use me physically and financially just to have something BUT GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He had a plan all along and He has a plan for you too! He is not limited to one group of people. He loves you just like He loves me and He can help you just like He helped me but you gotta be ready to also help yourself! You won’t find help in another person, a pill bottle, a drink, etc.! You have to literally isolate yourself to find the problem and allow God to heal you of that problem. Is it an easy journey? NO! It is exhausting. It’s disturbing. It’s sad. But man, when the joy comes – it will all be worth it! I encourage all of you guys – if you’re dealing with self-esteem, pain from your past, weight issues, breakups, etc. BE HONEST ABOUT IT! SELF-HONESTY IS LIFE!!! If you have people in your life that laugh at you and judge you – they aren’t good for you. Get off social media. Spend some time with yourself. Find out where it stems from and KILL IT!!!! You cannot be healed from anything you won’t deal with! If you really care about yourself and your future – do the work now!!! Your lasting happiness is well worth being Broken, Beautifully!

Thank you guys for taking this FREEING journey with me!

There is more to come!

With Broken, Beautifulness,

-Kiesh

Her Life!

She was afraid to look in the mirror, afraid of what she’d see.

All the things she hated about herself, eyes of insecurity.

She couldn’t see anything right, everything she saw was wrong.

It was hard to feel the meaning in life’s lyrics or grasp the beat of the song.

She hid behind a wall of emotions; a fake smile she would give.

To get out of bed became a task; it even became hard to live.

She was afraid that people would notice; afraid they’d laugh in her face.

So she’d make the jokes before them; the emptiness she felt she didn’t show a trace.

She ate to hide her sadness; she drank to dry her tears.

Becoming someone she never knew; a person she soon would fear.

She filled her life with chaos; everyday was a new door to strife.

Unhappiness grew throughout her being and she finally hated her life.

– Kiesh 💕

Every Wrong Made Right!

Tears of sadness and heartache spread down through the years; thoughts of suicide to relieve the pain and forget all my fears!

Feelings of loneliness grabbing tighter once the day turns night; something strong in the background saying “every wrong will be made right!”

Days get longer, nights get darker, it’s the same ‘ol routine; need someone to see my pain & hear my inner screams!

Yet the more I lose, the more I seem to fight; here’s that feeling telling me again “every wrong will be made right!”

“This is crazy! Why am I here?” I scream out in hurt! “Why was I born? I can’t do this! Just bury me in the dirt!”

“Don’t give up; it’ll get better!” But I can’t see it from their sight! It’s a nudge this time, “every wrong will be made right!”

Losing this, losing that! Lord, how can this be? This is getting so hard! But I can’t let anyone stop me!

“I see you, Kiesha! I’m here! I know those days gave you a fright! But know through your testimony others wrongs will be made right!”

 

– Kiesh

Solid NO Shake!

I know You, You know me. What else can I say? You saw pass all my flaws & loved me in a new kinda way. You’ve always had my back even when it got hard to take. That’s why I stay smiling because I know we solid, no shake!

You’ve never asked for too much; and You’ve never put me under stress! You simply asked me for myself… just to give you real a “Yes!” You wiped my tears when I was crying & soothed my heart when it would ache. That’s why can’t nobody make me doubt You; I know we solid, no shake!

You’re so loyal, so constant, so loving & so kind; Your grace & mercy is unmatched; Your peace always eases my mind. You’re  the realest on my team; ain’t nothing about You fake; God, I love you so much just for being solid, no shake!

– Kiesh💕

✨BROKEN BEAUTIES SPEAK!!!!!!!!✨

So many times we are ashamed to hide from our past. The things that we’ve gone through, the pain we have endured, the losses we’ve suffered. Yet, there is POWER in sharing your story – not just for others but yourself & as a safe, judgement free zone, I want you to feel comfortable in speaking your truth! So if you would like to share it with us – doesn’t have to be long if you don’t want it to be and you can be anonymous if you’d like – your identity will NOT be revealed to anyone!!!! You can speak how you overcame your battles no matter what they are or if you’re trying to figure it out! We wanna hear from, support and encourage YOU!!! Please email me @ brokenbeautifully@icloud.com! This movement is to help other women as well as continue to help ourselves! Let’s join together, speak out & take our power back!!!!! 💕💕💕

Scars to Beauty Marks!

Scars to Beauty Marks

Part Two

“The Ugly…”

When it was time to start on this portion of the story, I thought – “what in the world do I call this?” Then the famous saying, “the good, the bad and the ugly!” came to my mind – but that didn’t seem to fit for this kind of story because things got worse before they got any better! So for THIS story, we are starting with “The Ugly!”

Here I was, within two months I had lost what I thought was the love of my life and then in a major collision, totaling my only means of transportation! But as defeated as I should have been – knowing that the enemy was trying to take me out, gave me a little glimmer of something. I can’t say it was hope – it certainly did not feel like hope. When I think of hope, I think of light – something shining down on the inside saying “don’t give up!” – what I felt was almost anger! You know how you can get so mad about something that it gives you strength you never thought you had? I didn’t have a lot of it – but it was a little something there! So, now here come the tasks of learning how to live without him and a car – I can tell you living without the car was worse! LOL! If you’ve ever had your own means of transportation and then it’s gone – you know what I mean. Depending on people, especially for me, has to be the most annoying thing in the entire existence of annoying things! But I was literally like 5 minutes from my job and had people that lived close to me that could help me get to work and church – so those things, for the most part, I had no trouble getting to and home from and that was a major blessing for me. In between those times, it was me, God and 4 walls. Which is why things got worse before they got better. Sometimes when you isolate yourself especially not by choice, you just get mad and defeated in your spirit. On the outside I was kind of normal considering the circumstances; I continued my routine for the most part: reading my Bible, praying and work – church on Tuesdays and Sundays; prayer on Saturdays. Fixing up my apartment was put on hold because I didn’t have a car so getting to the store to buy decorative pillows wasn’t anywhere near on my to do list or anything I cared about. On the inside, I was back to being a hot friggin mess! Bible, pray, work – repeat – Bible, pray, work, now cry – repeat. Cry, Bible, pray, work, cry. I was crying a little more. And a little more. And a little more. I was in my apartment, by myself and it’s not like my phone was ringing like crazy. I was literally alone. There were people I could have called but he wasn’t there – this was new for me. 5 years seeing someone everyday – getting used to that can be difficult and I was still kind of in the beginning stages. Every time I walked the floors in my home, it sounded like the creaking noise in an old abandoned house. You know, the house that’s been on the market for years. The house that had been forgotten about. The house that everyone found a reason to not like. I was that house. I felt forgotten about. I felt helpless. I felt alone. I was so embarrassed about everything. I didn’t want to bother anyone with my pain. Plus, I didn’t want anyone asking me how I was doing. I was terrible! I was going through! I was hurting. It’s like the little progress I made over the past month or so, dried up a bit. I lost everything. Yup, the pity party started! Don’t judge me! Plus, I was still not sleeping – now even more so because my neck was sore from the wreck. I was drained in every way one could be. I was just tired. Then I remembered something my cousin told me months before my relationship ended – before I ever thought that us ending was a real possibility. He said, “when you’re in your house by yourself, it is the scariest thing but if you learn to get comfortable with it and learn yourself and get close to God and actually face being alone, it will end up being so good for you!” At first when he said it, the idea of “getting used” to be being by myself was scary because I wasn’t single then. Then I had a car. Then a lot of things were different. I was different. But now, this was my reality and I wasn’t happy in it. In fact, I was so unhappy. Truly, unhappy; but, I didn’t want to live this endless cycle and I realized, the only person that could change this was me.

Okay – I made up in my mind that I don’t want to live like this – what’s the next step? Honesty. Not with your friend honesty. Not with your uncle honesty. Not with your sister honest. That honesty with yourself. The things you’re afraid to think about let alone say out loud. Yeah, THAT honesty! Self-Honesty. Man, Self-Honesty is raw. It’s rugged! (in my Mike Lowrey voice!) It’s brutally and unapologetically honest. Yeah THAT honesty… so here we go! I started thinking about everything that led me to my unhappiness – not just with life but with myself and the choices I made to escape being me. We sometimes focus on situations as if that alone made things bad but there is always a beginning to the pain so you have to recognize that and start from there in order to pluck it out and dry up that nasty, ol weed!! Okay – what made Kiesha unhappy? First, I was single and carless but we won’t go there again.

Okay, so I’ve always questioned my existence. Literally, would spend hours wondering why in the world God allowed me to be born if He was gonna allow the things that happened to me, to happen to me. I never understood why someone who never could quite get it right was on this earth. I never felt pretty enough. I never felt good enough. I never felt thin enough. I never felt enough. I always felt like a burden to everyone, everywhere.

At school, I felt ugly compared to the girls with the newer, cooler outfits and shoes. Their hair was straight or in ponytails, and I am sitting here, with a jerry curl. “Bald head!” “Ugly!” Pointing. Laughing. Staring me down like I was the most disgusting thing on the planet. “Don’t sit next to her!” “Don’t talk to her!” “Black b****!” Daily insults! I used to have to fight after school literally every day because somebody always had a problem with me. I was just a girl – a tom boy at that, who liked basketball and got along with all the boys because of it. I mean, even the ugly girls, you know the ones who are ugly inside AND out, were laughing at me and calling me ugly! The girls who I thought were my friends, would turn on me and start picking on me when they’d get around more popular kids to keep themselves from being picked on also. I get it. Kids were mean back then too so if you could save yourself humiliation, what kid wouldn’t? But that was my Monday through Friday. In addition to that, Tuesdays and Fridays, I had evening church. You think insults stopped at school? No, they did not. It was the same vibes there too. I was just always the odd man out. Somebody had to be mean. Roll their eyes. Scoot away from. Laugh at. Me. It was just always easy to pick on me and truth is, I made it easy because I didn’t defend myself except when it came to these hands. When it was time to fight – I said everything through my fists that my mouth couldn’t or wouldn’t but it seemed like it was never enough to stop new people from picking on me. That eventually stopped my freshmen year of highschool but we don’t need to get into that. Anywho, I was taller than the other girls; not fat but still bigger than the other girls. Baggy clothes. Sometimes thrift store. Sometimes hand-me-down clothes. My granny did her best and I’m thankful. It might’ve not been the newest but it was always nice and clean. Yet kids don’t care about that stuff, so the insults kept coming – school, church and everywhere in between. The boys I liked, of course they didn’t like me. The girls I wanted to be my friend, of course I wasn’t good enough to be their friend. I was just LaKiesha Heard. A nobody except when needed. That was my reality. All of that pain and all the years I dealt with it by myself, not talking about it – not letting it out, not thinking about it – yeah that might have something to do with the layers of unhappiness on me. Okay. We are digging now. What else?

How about sexual, physical, mental and emotional abuse? How about those things coming from people that were supposed to be the closest to you? The ones who should be protecting you from any harm. The ones who are supposed to love you to life. The ones who were supposed to be your friend. Yeah! We’re there! “The Ugly” remember? What I wonder now is if those who abuse people realize the life-long damage they are truly causing by their few minutes of satisfaction? One who is abused, usually, we take all the blame. Well let me rephrase that because I cannot tell anyone else’s story – I took ALL the blame. It was my fault that he felt he had to take what wasn’t given to him. It was my fault that I made him mad, he had to get his anger out somehow – I caused it so of course it will be taken out on me! How could I think that you wonder? What had life taught me so far? That I was the problem. Once you enter one cycle of abuse, it seems like more kinds attract your very being. At least it felt that way to me. So of course, in the mind of someone who is still wounded, all I knew how to do was blame myself for every bad thing that happened because if I wasn’t me, it wouldn’t be happening and that was my truth and that’s how I truly felt in my heart. I was the problem.

So, in my house, I started with those things. I mean, those were MY big things. The things that shaped every move I made since they happened to me. I remembered the taunting of the kids. Tears. I remembered how I felt during the times in my life when I was abused. Tears. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Confusion. Hatred. Regret. And then, “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us!” – WOW! Wait, God is that You? Indeed, it was. With that scripture, He let me know – oh there’s gonna be some glory that comes from all that pain you went through. It was not in vain. It was just hard for you to see. Surprisingly, that Word made me feel better! So, I prayed this prayer and I’ve prayed it every single day since: “Lord, open my understanding to Your Word. Bless me to understand spiritually. Let You word fall on good, solid ground. Help me to hide it in my heart that I might not sin against You! Help me to not just read the Word but to apply it to my life! In Jesus’ name. Amen!” When I said that prayer then, I didn’t realize what God truly had in store for me! I just knew I meant it! I meant it from my heart and that’s all God wants is a sincere heart. I went back to my routine but this time, I absolutely craved the Word. I hungered for it. I needed more of it because it spoke to my hurt soulfully. It wasn’t just saying what was appropriate for the situation but it started to shake my foundation of broken pieces and began to rebuild those pieces to make a foundation that could not be moved. It started to slowly mend my heart. It was like Gods love song to me. Then, I remember one night I prayed to God – “Lord, help me to meditate on Your Word even in my sleep.” Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I got THAT hungry and thirsty for it! And God granted my request. I could hear the Word in my sleep. I could see the pages. I could feel it in my life. In my heart.

As the Word spoke to me and truly began healing me, God started sending women to church who were going through similar situations or had gone through them. He gave me strength to not be ashamed in Bible study and talk more about my hurt and these young women began to discuss their hurt and hearing them tell me about their bad relationships helped heal the loss of my bad relationship. See, when you’re in it – a bad relationship – you know it’s not good for you but there is something that tells you to stick it out and for me, I stuck it out because I thought I really was with the love of my life and I just knew if he realized I was what was best for him, he’d marry me with no problem; he’d love me like I desired to be loved and we’d live happily ever after! It’s crazy that now I realized, I was loving someone who didn’t even treat me right the majority of the time. I was so thirsty for love that I latched on to a minimum wage love. SMH! I stayed because I didn’t want to be alone. Admitting that was HUGE for me. (Self-Honesty remember!) Admitting that made me realize how I accepted things that I was telling other women they shouldn’t even accept. I knew better but fear of being alone made me accept what should have been unacceptable. It made me not see my own worth. It made me do whatever I could to make someone else happy even when I was unhappy.

Now that we got down to realizing how “The Ugly” affected me and began allowing God to work on it – now it was time to work on “….The Bad!”

With Broken Beautifulness,

  • Kiesh

Part Three – coming soon