Heyyyyyyyyy y’all!!!!! Omgosh! What a crazy couple of weeks it’s been!!!! Where I’ve been is the root of this piece but at the time I had no idea it would be!!!

See there has been soooooo much going on in my life and I’ve always been the type to pile on and pile on and just keep going until I run out of energy and finally some kind of explosion of emotion would take place after a while to release all the frustration, exhaustion, irritation, etc. which was one vicious, unhealthy cycle. Now that I am aware of those unhealthy habits – I try my best to avoid them! So this time around – when I realized how heavy everything had been weighing on me, I decided to go on vacation! Now I didn’t go out of town – I was still here in happy Ohio 🙄 but I cut myself off from pretty much everyone and limited myself to pretty much just work and straight home. The cares of this life can completely kill ones spirit and I felt like I was dying! I was reading my word – I was praying – I was going to church but my heart still felt so heavy! So God led me to take some time away and just have some down time for myself and spend some quality, unrushed time with Him!

At first, it felt so odd! I mean running here and there – trying to be there for everyone is my day to day routine and to not do that was just so weird but it was something that was necessary for me if I was going to get out of the spiritual and mental rut I was in. We take so much on everyday and we try to be strong thinking that admitting we are running out of juice means we aren’t as strong spiritually, mentally and physically as we seem but we forget that WE. ARE. HUMAN!!! We cannot keep running and running without taking time to get ourselves charged back up in every way! Sometimes you need to be away in order to remember why you’re running so hard in the first place! See for me, after God saved me, I mean really saved me – pleasing Him became the most important thing to me so things that I may have ignored previously, I just couldn’t anymore. Now the enemy definitely tried to make me think that me feeling overwhelmed meant that I wasn’t really saved or that my relationship with God was lacking but that’s what that fool does… spread LIES!! He wants us to believe that us being human means we are damaged goods and can’t get closer to God but I’ll tell you like the old saints used to say… HE’s A LIE!!!

So at first, it was weird but I stuck with it! First thing I did was just let God know everything I was feeling! Reading my Bible and praying was good but before I could start there, I had to release everything I was feeling. I think sometimes we forget how big God is and He wants us to cast all our cares upon Him!! It’s crazy that I know that but in the everyday hustle and bustle, I forget and carry weight that I was never meant to! At first I felt shame faced because I’m just thinking, “omgosh why did you let it get to this Kiesha?” but I had to push back and just get to it! It didn’t take long for the tears to flow because I was more overwhelmed than I initially thought! I don’t have it all together. I am overwhelmed. I need help! Lord, I need your help! I need you to show me how to balance this life and not drown in it! I need you to show me how to handle being criticized, lied on and talked about and still love those that do it withholding absolutely nothing!

See the thing is this – it’s not hard living your “Yes!” to God once you have a made up mind – what’s hard it’s dealing with the persecution that comes with it and not reacting how you used to before giving your life to God! I can’t cuss somebody out! I can’t go off on them! I can’t punch them in the face! Those were my before reactions! Now, I couldn’t react that way even if I wanted to but seeing how people treat you and talk about you on a daily basis! Mean for no reason! Plus working everyday, 8 hours a day! On top of family issues. People sick. People dying. On top of just trying to get enough rest to deal with the next days batch of woes – it can weigh one down!!! I know my heart now. I know my intentions. I know what I am going through. But most people don’t care! They’re so wrapped up in their own selves that you can be crying in the same room as them and they’d never even know it because they don’t pay any attention to you because you’re not a friend, family member, etc. That’s why it’s so important to be able to know how to reach God because people will leave you stranded and not care at all!! That’s why I knew it was time to get the time in with God! So Monday through Saturday – I took time for myself – I was in the bed around 8 pm every night; I limited my contact with people and I went home after work. I used the time to pray, fast and read my Bible – just reconnect with God!!

Y’all I feel like a new woman!!! No joke!!!! I know I have a bit of an advantage because I have no kids or spouse at this time but hey, if you’re even able to do a day – try it! God took a day to rest and I understand it more than ever – although I needed a whole week! The perspective I gained; the insight – totally worth the isolation! I was elevated mentally and spiritually and man, I’ll be making this apart of a regular routine because it’s exactly what I needed – rest and time to myself and time with my King!!!! No matter how strong we may be, no matter how much we can handle – it’ll be more the next day so take some time to simply, Breathe… and Stop!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕💕

Hey everyone!!! I hope you all have been doing well!!!! I got something that’s been on my heart and mind for a while and last week, the Lord confirmed to me that this should be my next post!!! This post is for those that know they need to change but are afraid that they will “fail” or “mess up!” or afraid of all the people they could lose, etc.!!

One of the hardest things I feel we go through is realizing when we need to change! Everyone walks around like their burps don’t stink when we are all a mess in different ways and trying to figure out this thing called LIFE! As amazing as God has worked in my life! As happy as I am now! I still have things that God is working on in me right this second! I am not perfect! No one is! And although you may see a difference in me and my lifestyle, I am still very much a work in progress but the thing is – I KNOW that I still have things about me that need to be changed and I accept that instead of trying to cover it up, posing as perfection! There is no perfection on this earth! The only perfection resides in Heaven! So anyone claiming as though they don’t fail or need to be worked on is not only lacking honesty with you and others but also they’re lacking (say it with me) SELF-HONESTY!!!!!

Now this next statement may come as a surprise to some but coming from a person who has changed and works to change every single day, I say it with all confidence! CHANGE. IS. NOT. HARD!!!!! The only time changing is hard is when you have not made up your mind to do it! Take losing weight for instance. For so many years I HATED my size! I was so embarrassed that t-shirts didn’t fit! (the bottom part of my belly was always cold :-|) – I was so oddly shaped! I already had a big behind but now there was roundage EVERYWHERE! I looked like a friggin’ bumblebee! (you know – pushed out belly, big rear and little legs! 😦 hahaha!) Seriously though!!! I HATED the way I looked but I continued to eat the wrong things. I continued to not exercise and just be lazy! So my pants size kept going up! I didn’t like my circumstances but my mind was not yet made up to change them! But one day, I was just tired! Sick of how I looked! Sick of being talked about! Sick of not feeling comfortable and confident in my own skin! So I MADE. UP. MY. MIND!!!! Sometimes I wanted to give up! Sometimes I didn’t feel like getting up at 5 am to go to the gym! Sometimes I wanted a burger instead of a salad but my mind was made up! So any time the easy route came to mind – my made up mind remembered that I had a goal and that I had to keep pushing!!!! A made up mind will take you places you never knew you could even go!

This is true of those that say they want to change their life also! They want to get saved! They want to live a good, clean life! The first step is a made up mind!! A mind to stop doing things your own way! A mind to not try to do the bare minimum to get by! A mind to surrender your will to God’s will! It all starts in making up your mind!! Some may say that I don’t know what I am talking about! Some may say it is hard! My question is – can you look back and honestly say that your mind has ever been truly made up!! See a lot of people say they want to change and what they really mean is they want their situation to change and they know God can do that! There’s a difference in wanting to change yourself and wanting your situation to change! See if you just try to change to fix a situation, then when it is fixed – you’ll go back to doing exactly what you did before! A lot of people say “yes” for the blessings! I was once that person! I said “yes!” because I wanted to please other people!! Now we’ve discussed this before – you can never really please people so believe me, my “yes” ran out and I walked away!!! But when God was dealing with me this time – I gave Him my “yes!” because I was truly tired of the life I was living and I wanted to be a better person! Now when I knew it was time, I was so afraid! I knew that I was ready BUT I thought about all the things I could possibly lose! The relationships that would end! The people that would walk away! And that absolutely happened but because I had the courage to change who I am – even when people walked away, I still had strength to stand afterwards! Why? Because I had a MADE. UP. MIND!!

It’s sometimes so easy to continue in what we know is familiar! Talking to the same people. Going to the same places. Wearing the same hair style. But sometimes, change is not only absolutely necessary for growth but it’s necessary for a better life! Who wants to stay the same year after year; day after day?!? I know people I used to be friends & in relationships with – still doing the same thing they used to! Still starting drama. Still bar and club hopping. Still not able to see the issues within them own selves! To them – they may be happy – to each is own! But as for me – I don’t want to stay the same always! Now don’t get me wrong – the root of who I am, is who I am! I am Kiesh! Goofy, loud, hard-loving, passionate and silly Kiesh! But I want to evolve and mature every day! I don’t want the same thing that made me upset two years ago to make me upset now! I don’t to hold grudges. I don’t want to stay isolated and not meet new people! I don’t want to automatically see the worse in people because of people in my past! I want to grow for the better!! That’s just me! And the only time I’ve ever had a problem with change is when I didn’t want to do it!

I feel it’s also important to note that if you feel you are ready for a change – please make sure you are changing for yourself!!! You have you all day, everyday – in the most secretive of places, it’s you! So you have to be comfortable and ready for whatever change is coming so you cannot do it for someone else because the change won’t truly last! Change needs to be in your heart and once you make your mind up – it will be!!! Will it be scary? Absolutely! Will people look at you crazy? Of course!! Will people walk away? FORTUNATELY, YES!!! I say fortunately because ANYBODY that walks away from you while you’re trying to make your life better – was never a friend in the first place!! So raise your hand and wave “So Long Buh-Bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” They don’t need to go where you’re headed anyway!!!!

Change for yourself! Change for life!!!

With Broken, Beautifulness,

💕💕Kiesh

Listen here! The title for this piece flowed like a new wig fresh out the packaging! It shook me!! But man, it’s the absolute truth!

See, I’ve told you guys before – I was always about trying to please other people! How I acted. How I looked. What I said. What I did. All about trying to please everyone but myself! A lot of the problems that I went through, I realized it had nothing to do with other people and everything to do with me! I gave my power to those I was trying to please and they decided on if what I did was good or not. What a life, huh? How disappointing it felt to try my best to please everyone and my best still not be good enough!

The thing so many of us need to realize is that no matter what you do, trying to please everyone else will not only NOT please them (somebody ALWAYS got something to say) but it also won’t be pleasing to you! Don’t you know that what you think, feel, want, need – matters! But if you always put those things on the shelf, you’re living a life for someone else and even they won’t be happy with the life you’re living!

Everyone nowadays are all about appearance! If I wear this, I look like I have this status and so on and so forth but what would happen if everyone just realized how awesome it is to just be yourself, do your best every single day and do what makes you happy? How amazing would that look for people to not speak negatively about those who are different from them? Pretty amazing! To me, THAT’S living your best life!!! But that’s not the case and everyone tries to avoid being looked at in a negative manner or as being “unpopular” so we spend all our time, money and efforts trying to please the ones around us not realizing it’s a plan that will always fail!

Gods word tells us to put confidence in Him, not in man! It’s because people are moody and you can do something on Monday that’s the best thing ever and then on Wednesday, it’s offensive! It’s not to say that you don’t want to make someone proud of you – yours parents, your family, friends, etc. but don’t put all of your efforts and energy just to make them happy – stop and do what makes you happy first because if you do what makes you happy first, then if others are disappointed, you still have the approval of you!

-Kiesh💕💕

Her Crown, My Crown;

Such a difference between the two.

Different women; different stories;

Different ways we made it through.

See, I might’ve went left;

But she had to go right.

Sometimes she kept it peaceful;

But me, I had to fight.

Her dad may have been her best friend;

While mine remained an enemy.

Her childhood could’ve  been a blessing;

While mine stayed a tragedy.

I don’t know what makes her, her;

And she doesn’t know why I’m me.

I don’t understand the moves she makes;

And my path, to her, is still a mystery.

She don’t think how I think.

And my mind isn’t one she understands.

She may put her trust in her family;

While I don’t put confidence in man.

Her beauty is because she stays true to her.

My beauty, because I stay true to me.

Yet there is so much division among us

But as to why, I cannot see!

She loves the path she is taking,

And I must say, I am enjoying mine;

But there is no reason to point out each others flaws,

There is no reason to create a divide.

It’s time we learn to help each other up;

It’s so easy to pull each other down!

No matter the difference between us,

We can respect both her and my CROWN!

 

– Kiesh

So we’ve gone through a lot of different obstacles I’ve faced in my life and you guys have connected with me which I love and to my surprise have dealt with a lot of the same issues! Thankfully I’m not crazy!😂

Anywho, this particular issue, I never knew was an issue until I looked backed and realized how terrible a cycle it was and I also have never discussed it with anyone. During any stressful time in my life and as you all know was a lot of the time, instead of discussing what was bothering me or dealing with it at all, I did two things: I ate and I got angry. Food and anger were the things that comforted me whenever I was hurting and I leaned on them hard! We discussed my weight issues in part three of Scars to Beauty Marks! but this was something that I did even before it was noticeable due to me gaining weight. I kept it hidden for a while but no one knew that I had an eating disorder during my teen years!

I remember the idea came to me when I watched this movie on Lifetime called “A Secret Between Friends!” it was about two friends who had an eating disorder – eating a bunch of crap and then making themselves throw it back up so they wouldn’t gain any weight! In the end, one of the girls told on her friend to try to save her. I figured this would be easy for me because I didn’t have friends really to keep a secret like that with, and of course in my teenage mind, I could control it where it wouldn’t be bad on me or my health, so I thought this was a good plan for me!

Doritos, all things sweets, just bunches of friggin junk; an extra helping of this and an extra helping of that – and then I would go into the bathroom, turn on the faucet and puke my guts out so there was no evidence of what I had done. Thinking back on it now – it was really disgusting and sad but in the moment, I thought – a few minutes of gagging was worth not being fat! It was worth covering up so I could experience the comfort I felt when I ate the foods that tasted so good to me!

See people don’t realize but it’s true when it they say, food doesn’t judge – food understands!😂 You’ve had a rough day that turns into a rough year – if you are use to being an emotional eater then a cheeseburger, fries and a shake are going to make you feel so good…. until after you eat it because the pain doesn’t go away; it’s just on pause while you get your fix! The same thing goes for people who use alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. We all have something that we lean on to make us feel good when things go really bad but unless it’s Jesus, the satisfaction of it doesn’t last so you have to keep consuming more and more of it so it will last longer! See with Jesus… one good hit and it’ll last you all day… maybe even the rest of the week! The best part about Him is, there’s no guilt after you get you a taste either! You can get some everyday and it’s gets better each and every time! Most importantly, it makes you better each and every time!

So for me, food, that was what I fell back on as well as anger! If I had a bad day, somebody was going to have an even worse day because I was gonna find a reason to pop off and take my frustration out on them and anyone that was around by default! It’s so true when they say, hurt people hurt people! I can speak from personal experience: when you’ve been hurt and keep getting hurt over and over again, it’s a chain reaction because you take what someone has done to you out on someone else! The least little thing made me blow up. I held grudges. I fought. I cussed people out. I talked about them badly. I made them feel like their existing was an issue… why? Because to me, my existing was an issue and instead of having Self-Honesty, I did what I thought was the next best thing and that was make someone else question their life because then I’m not alone in how I’m thinking and feeling and there was a little bit of comfort there.

That’s why it’s so important for us to be in touch with our feelings and understand how to truly communicate them so that we engage in a healthy cycle. It never stops with one thing… if your mental health isn’t good then likely you’re not taking care of yourself physical or spiritually which will, if given the chance, weigh on your emotional health and before you know it, you’re just an unhealthy person! See my physical health was great at first – I was an athlete; always active and eating right but then my emotional state finally got so low that I stopped taking care of myself physically and that slowly but surely went south because I only made myself vomit after eating for so long; one day my brother caught me and I still don’t know to this day if he realizes what I was doing but him catching me, scared me and I pretty much stopped but I kept eating and the weight caught up to me making me sad and depressed; add on the fact that now I was drinking like a fish and completely neglected myself spiritually, I was just one unhealthy person!

My point is, it all truly does flow together: physical, mental, spiritual and emotional health! I feel the most important (obvi) is spiritual good health! Why? Because I feel like if your life is aligned spiritually then everything else will follow! There are times when that emotional eating tries to step back in but the Word is a reminder, “eat so much as is sufficient for thee!” Girl you better PRAY! Or when I don’t want to work out and be active and then “know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you!” The Word is a reminder but it’s up to us to obey it when it comes!

I am still not in the best shape that I could be in but I am getting there, I think! I am lot more aware of what I put in my body and how much! Sometimes I still don’t do as well as I should but I am working daily to get better at it! My advice to anyone that is using something to make themselves feel good or better about their situation…. Try Jesus! Acknowledge the problem. Give yourself a good dose of Self-Honesty and give Him a try!! It took years for me to get things on track but now that I have, even when I have slip-ups, it’s a much better feeling than I had when I wasn’t taking care of myself in all the ways possible! If you truly want to love you – start acknowledging the feelings you have and the cycle you use to work through them and if it’s anything like mine was – rather it’s food, drugs, alcohol, people – you’re not loving yourself enough – you can do better for you!! CHOOSE YOU!!!!!

With Beautiful Brokenness,

-Kiesh💕💕