One Man’s Trash….

Hey yall!!!!! I just want to take this moment to say THANK YOU all for the support!!! If you haven’t already – go like the facebook/insta pages – both are @wearebrokenbeautifully and check out the pics and vids from this past weekends event!!! Also, if this is your first time, please start at “Scars to Beauty Marks! Part One!” so you’re up to speed and got the low down and everything!!

So for this one – man after this weekends event, “Walk in My Shoes!” – I woke up Sunday morning and out of nowhere, I busted into tears!! NOT sad tears at all – tears of pure joy and thankfulness!!! I still cannot believe that a few months ago, I was telling God “NO!” about starting this blog but I now realize – I said, “no!” because I was focused on me and the impact it could possibly have on me instead of focusing on The Kingdom of God and how many people this blog… this movement could help!! I am just thankful for the encouragement from God to let me know I can do it and from my amazing circle that helped pushed me along the way!

After the event, I couldn’t believe and still cannot believe that God has been and is able to use me to do His work! I am thankful. Humbled. Appreciative. Elated. Those words partially describe how I feel! I don’t think I could ever really describe how I feel knowing that God has chosen me to help others know who He is and find peace through Him and within themselves!! See, I’ve told you guys – I have always counted myself out as well as have always been counted out! Kiesha wasn’t the prettiest. The smartest. The funniest. I was just always the craziest! Even when I gave my life back to God, I never expected to be used by Him in any significant way! I figured I had done too much! I’d left too many times. I’d drank too much. Been angry too much! I just allowed the things that I did in my past to define the relationship I was going to have with God… AND THAT WAS MY MISTAKE AS WELL AS SO MANY OTHERS MISTAKE! When we give our life to God – it has nothing to do with our past except that He is saving us from it! In Him, ALL THINGS ARE MADE NEW! That includes who you are and who He calls you to be! We aren’t defined by our old habits; our old way of thinking; our old friends, etc. We come in with a clean slate and whomever He wants to use – He will use!!!

I often think of Paul! He is my absolute favorite when it comes to seeing that your past doesn’t define who God can make you to be! He was a man that actually persecuted people for believing in God! He made it his business to even be in attendance when others were persecuting people for their belief! He sought out to go find them so they could be persecuted! Oh but one day…. One day his spiritual eyes were opened to see that the very God whom he persecuted is the same God he’d come to love so very much! I don’t recall one time God throwing in Paul’s face the things he had done! However, I do remember Him telling Paul that His grace was sufficient and that His strength is made perfect in weakness! (my fav scripture EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

God doesn’t throw our past up in our faces like people do but we constantly throw it up in our own face also! We allow what we think others will say about us now because of our past and that scares us from being bold in who He has made and is making us to be but one thing I’ve learned and it’s something I have to continue to remember every single day…. It’s not about them! It doesn’t matter who says something about your past! Anyone who is throwing up your past hasn’t been delivered from theirs and need a bit more time on the altar because SAINTS don’t throw up the past but they glorify in it because God has freed us and we are no longer bound by it! Don’t let anyone fool you to think they’ve been perfect and that they don’t have skeletons in their closets that they hope are never revealed! We ALL have some!

Sometimes I think God gets a kick off of using the ones that man count out just so He can let them know…. you ain’t got the final say in nothing!!! His ways are not our ways neither His thoughts our thoughts – so what man thinks is to be glorified, God might want it to be brought low!

We have to stop allowing others to dictate who we are now versus who we were! I don’t want to be the same person tomorrow (if the Lord blesses me to see it) that I was today…. I want to be BETTER every day and so does God but people love to keep people the same especially when they feel it threatens their status. Not everyone is real when they say they are wishing you success and blah, blah, blah! Some are okay with you going a little bit higher as long as you stay below them! But thank goodness they don’t have the final say!!!!

I can tell you from my own personal experience, I can tell the ones who have changed towards me since God has began to move into my life! Did it make me upset? Absolutely not! They probably have no idea that I even realized it! But there is no reason to get upset about it – I am not trying to do anything malicious! I’m just over here living and letting God live in me and what happens afterwards is God’s business not mine! I continue to pray for them. Speak to them! And I keep it moving! But I cannot stop working for God because it makes others uncomfortable! I didn’t ask for any of this! Telling complete strangers my business! Being transparent about things I NEVER shared with anyone…. nah, this wasn’t my plan but it came with my “Yes!” to God and so I’m learning to embrace it!

I remember being told so much in my life that I would never amount to anything and I believed it because I heard it so much! When I got saved, I was so ate up with what everyone else had to say about me that I couldn’t clearly hear what God was trying to say to me and anything I told myself was just a repeat of the negative talk from someone else! But He was trying to show me that I was beautiful! That I could become someone! That my past didn’t define me! That I am loved! That I am special! And it has nothing to do with what I can do for Him but simply because I am me! So whoever you are, wherever you are – if you are similar to who I used to be; if you have began to believe the negative talk others have spoken over your life! STOP NOW!!! Go to the mirror and look at yourself! Grab on to something strong and with all the confidence in the world tell yourself…. Man’s Trash Is God’s TREASURE!!! You are loved! You are appreciated! You are treasured by God!!!!

With Broken, Beautifulness,

-Kiesh💕💕

Pleasing Pleases No One!

Listen here! The title for this piece flowed like a new wig fresh out the packaging! It shook me!! But man, it’s the absolute truth!

See, I’ve told you guys before – I was always about trying to please other people! How I acted. How I looked. What I said. What I did. All about trying to please everyone but myself! A lot of the problems that I went through, I realized it had nothing to do with other people and everything to do with me! I gave my power to those I was trying to please and they decided on if what I did was good or not. What a life, huh? How disappointing it felt to try my best to please everyone and my best still not be good enough!

The thing so many of us need to realize is that no matter what you do, trying to please everyone else will not only NOT please them (somebody ALWAYS got something to say) but it also won’t be pleasing to you! Don’t you know that what you think, feel, want, need – matters! But if you always put those things on the shelf, you’re living a life for someone else and even they won’t be happy with the life you’re living!

Everyone nowadays are all about appearance! If I wear this, I look like I have this status and so on and so forth but what would happen if everyone just realized how awesome it is to just be yourself, do your best every single day and do what makes you happy? How amazing would that look for people to not speak negatively about those who are different from them? Pretty amazing! To me, THAT’S living your best life!!! But that’s not the case and everyone tries to avoid being looked at in a negative manner or as being “unpopular” so we spend all our time, money and efforts trying to please the ones around us not realizing it’s a plan that will always fail!

Gods word tells us to put confidence in Him, not in man! It’s because people are moody and you can do something on Monday that’s the best thing ever and then on Wednesday, it’s offensive! It’s not to say that you don’t want to make someone proud of you – yours parents, your family, friends, etc. but don’t put all of your efforts and energy just to make them happy – stop and do what makes you happy first because if you do what makes you happy first, then if others are disappointed, you still have the approval of you!

-Kiesh💕💕

Her Crown, My Crown

Her Crown, My Crown;

Such a difference between the two.

Different women; different stories;

Different ways we made it through.

See, I might’ve went left;

But she had to go right.

Sometimes she kept it peaceful;

But me, I had to fight.

Her dad may have been her best friend;

While mine remained an enemy.

Her childhood could’ve  been a blessing;

While mine stayed a tragedy.

I don’t know what makes her, her;

And she doesn’t know why I’m me.

I don’t understand the moves she makes;

And my path, to her, is still a mystery.

She don’t think how I think.

And my mind isn’t one she understands.

She may put her trust in her family;

While I don’t put confidence in man.

Her beauty is because she stays true to her.

My beauty, because I stay true to me.

Yet there is so much division among us

But as to why, I cannot see!

She loves the path she is taking,

And I must say, I am enjoying mine;

But there is no reason to point out each others flaws,

There is no reason to create a divide.

It’s time we learn to help each other up;

It’s so easy to pull each other down!

No matter the difference between us,

We can respect both her and my CROWN!

 

– Kiesh

(Insert Here) for Feelings!!

So we’ve gone through a lot of different obstacles I’ve faced in my life and you guys have connected with me which I love and to my surprise have dealt with a lot of the same issues! Thankfully I’m not crazy!😂

Anywho, this particular issue, I never knew was an issue until I looked backed and realized how terrible a cycle it was and I also have never discussed it with anyone. During any stressful time in my life and as you all know was a lot of the time, instead of discussing what was bothering me or dealing with it at all, I did two things: I ate and I got angry. Food and anger were the things that comforted me whenever I was hurting and I leaned on them hard! We discussed my weight issues in part three of Scars to Beauty Marks! but this was something that I did even before it was noticeable due to me gaining weight. I kept it hidden for a while but no one knew that I had an eating disorder during my teen years!

I remember the idea came to me when I watched this movie on Lifetime called “A Secret Between Friends!” it was about two friends who had an eating disorder – eating a bunch of crap and then making themselves throw it back up so they wouldn’t gain any weight! In the end, one of the girls told on her friend to try to save her. I figured this would be easy for me because I didn’t have friends really to keep a secret like that with, and of course in my teenage mind, I could control it where it wouldn’t be bad on me or my health, so I thought this was a good plan for me!

Doritos, all things sweets, just bunches of friggin junk; an extra helping of this and an extra helping of that – and then I would go into the bathroom, turn on the faucet and puke my guts out so there was no evidence of what I had done. Thinking back on it now – it was really disgusting and sad but in the moment, I thought – a few minutes of gagging was worth not being fat! It was worth covering up so I could experience the comfort I felt when I ate the foods that tasted so good to me!

See people don’t realize but it’s true when it they say, food doesn’t judge – food understands!😂 You’ve had a rough day that turns into a rough year – if you are use to being an emotional eater then a cheeseburger, fries and a shake are going to make you feel so good…. until after you eat it because the pain doesn’t go away; it’s just on pause while you get your fix! The same thing goes for people who use alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. We all have something that we lean on to make us feel good when things go really bad but unless it’s Jesus, the satisfaction of it doesn’t last so you have to keep consuming more and more of it so it will last longer! See with Jesus… one good hit and it’ll last you all day… maybe even the rest of the week! The best part about Him is, there’s no guilt after you get you a taste either! You can get some everyday and it’s gets better each and every time! Most importantly, it makes you better each and every time!

So for me, food, that was what I fell back on as well as anger! If I had a bad day, somebody was going to have an even worse day because I was gonna find a reason to pop off and take my frustration out on them and anyone that was around by default! It’s so true when they say, hurt people hurt people! I can speak from personal experience: when you’ve been hurt and keep getting hurt over and over again, it’s a chain reaction because you take what someone has done to you out on someone else! The least little thing made me blow up. I held grudges. I fought. I cussed people out. I talked about them badly. I made them feel like their existing was an issue… why? Because to me, my existing was an issue and instead of having Self-Honesty, I did what I thought was the next best thing and that was make someone else question their life because then I’m not alone in how I’m thinking and feeling and there was a little bit of comfort there.

That’s why it’s so important for us to be in touch with our feelings and understand how to truly communicate them so that we engage in a healthy cycle. It never stops with one thing… if your mental health isn’t good then likely you’re not taking care of yourself physical or spiritually which will, if given the chance, weigh on your emotional health and before you know it, you’re just an unhealthy person! See my physical health was great at first – I was an athlete; always active and eating right but then my emotional state finally got so low that I stopped taking care of myself physically and that slowly but surely went south because I only made myself vomit after eating for so long; one day my brother caught me and I still don’t know to this day if he realizes what I was doing but him catching me, scared me and I pretty much stopped but I kept eating and the weight caught up to me making me sad and depressed; add on the fact that now I was drinking like a fish and completely neglected myself spiritually, I was just one unhealthy person!

My point is, it all truly does flow together: physical, mental, spiritual and emotional health! I feel the most important (obvi) is spiritual good health! Why? Because I feel like if your life is aligned spiritually then everything else will follow! There are times when that emotional eating tries to step back in but the Word is a reminder, “eat so much as is sufficient for thee!” Girl you better PRAY! Or when I don’t want to work out and be active and then “know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you!” The Word is a reminder but it’s up to us to obey it when it comes!

I am still not in the best shape that I could be in but I am getting there, I think! I am lot more aware of what I put in my body and how much! Sometimes I still don’t do as well as I should but I am working daily to get better at it! My advice to anyone that is using something to make themselves feel good or better about their situation…. Try Jesus! Acknowledge the problem. Give yourself a good dose of Self-Honesty and give Him a try!! It took years for me to get things on track but now that I have, even when I have slip-ups, it’s a much better feeling than I had when I wasn’t taking care of myself in all the ways possible! If you truly want to love you – start acknowledging the feelings you have and the cycle you use to work through them and if it’s anything like mine was – rather it’s food, drugs, alcohol, people – you’re not loving yourself enough – you can do better for you!! CHOOSE YOU!!!!!

With Beautiful Brokenness,

-Kiesh💕💕

You & me, me & You!

This love affair is private, no one else can understand.

Some try to get the scoop but they never really can.

The way we move together, it’s perfect, just us two.

I wanna get closer & deeper; I just love me & You!

 

People question if I’m faithful; they know You would never cheat.

If I sit they want me standing, if I’m up they want me on my seat.

But You get everything about me; all of me You can see.

This relationship is my highest high; I can’t get enough of You & me.

 

Everyone questions my motives but You lookin at my heart.

They’re watching my past but You’ve been there from the start.

Left or right; which direction? what am I supposed to do?

Focus on us & remember it’s just me & You!

 

Block out the noise & listen to My Word!

Let negative talk fly over your head like a bird!

Don’t get upset with people; just let everything be;

Live the life I’ve given you & know all that matters is You & me!

 

– Kiesh 💕💕

Them vs. God! FORGIVE ‘EM! PART TWO!

Yall was kinda quiet on part one! I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing but either way – we are gonna continue to part two by picking up right where we left off….

Now I know there are people who will say, “I’ve forgiven but I haven’t forgotten.” We are human and you can’t magically forget how a person has treated you – let’s be real BUT you can work to forgive them every day until the hurt they caused you isn’t all you talk about or see when you see them or hear their name! I’ll give you an example! There was someone who honestly made me want to check them like no one has been checked before BUT I knew that above anything I wanted to be saved! So, one day I was at home organizing my closet and talking to God! I was telling Him about the situation and asking for Him to fix them and give them a mind to be saved! Afterwards I went and sat down and started reading my Bible and turned to Titus 3! I hadn’t planned on reading it – I just opened my Bible! So, I read and I sat there like, “WOW!” When you get time, please read it! Anywho, when I read that, I realized that we all have been through things and been foolish in different ways but grace and mercy is the only thing that helped us out! The thing we have to stop doing is deciding who deserves grace & mercy! We ALL need it! I don’t care what tongues you speak in, what degree you have, what position you hold in or outside the church, no matter if you been saved 5 minutes or 5 decades – WE ARE ALL ONLY SAVED BY GRACE & MERCY! At that moment I realized, God was showing me myself! It wasn’t about them – it was about ME! I’m responsible for me – how I act, respond, etc. That’s the same thing with forgiveness! It’s not about THEM! ITS ABOUT YOU!!!!

See we hold back forgiveness because we are foolish in thinking it gives us some sort of power. Quick to boast! “I don’t let things go!” “I’ll never forget!” “I hold grudges real bad!” “Ain’t nobody running over me!” We honestly think we are doing something and that makes us strong to NOT forgive! Please realize this – forgiving someone for the pain they caused you makes you stronger than you can even imagine! It takes a weak and basic individual to do what everyone else does! Jesus forgave when He was lied on. He forgave without getting an apology in return. He forgave when He knew everything He said and did was right – He forgave some more! He wasn’t weighed down by what people said or did to Him! He didn’t allow it to stop Him from being and giving the most perfect example of love! He continued to be exactly who He was – a forgiving and loving Savior!

Another thing I learned about forgiveness is that when you don’t forgive – and you keep your wall up because you’re so afraid that someone else will do what the last person did – your wall is put up with God as well! Most people will trust until you give them a reason not to; I was always the type of person that I didn’t trust you until you gave me a reason to and unknowingly, that’s how I entered into my relationship with God! I kept praying and reading my Bible and asking God to come in – pleading with Him to fill me and it was just _____________________. (that’s a flatline LOL!) I realize now that I was completely weighed down with years of unforgiveness, dislike, fear, doubt, self-pity, hatred, stubbornness, orneriness, etc. God can’t come into an unclean temple! He ain’t forreal even standing on the welcome mat! I made my first step of confessing I want to be saved and that I believed but in order for me to let God come into my life like He wants to and I desired to, I had to stop punishing God for the faults of man!

Ooooooooooooooooooooooo! Let’s get into that last statement!! “…punishing God for the faults of man!” What we don’t realize is that when we’ve experienced mans flawed, conditional love and it does what it’s almost designed to do – hurt you – we take that thought of “love hurts” into our relationship with God! God’s love is the purest form of love and there is nothing bad about it but when we don’t learn to forgive, we hinder experiencing God’s love because we don’t know how to receive it! Unforgiveness limits us! How upset would you be if you saw a bag and in it was $5000 and you really needed this money! You have bills due and the gas light is on and your fridge is bare; the person holding it has promised to give it to you if you can just reach him but you can never quite reach that person because there is a line of people that have hurt you between the two of you! Every time you look at them – you remember something they said or did and you turn back and decide to not even deal with them – leaving the bag of money sitting there, yours – but unclaimed! Most of you are probably thinking, “nuh uh! I’m getting that money!” but nah you ain’t! That’s what we do – God is standing there with goodness and blessings beyond measure but we cannot reach them or Him really because we refuse to interact and forgive those who have hurt us!

Forgiveness is not only the key to our freedom but also the key to our relationship with God! He forgives us as we forgive others and the cycle can only be stopped by us! I can’t tell you how many people have done something to hurt or upset me since truly giving all of me to God! I’ve started asking God to give me a blind eye and a deaf ear to folks shenanigans! If they are making fun of me, I ask God to make me so oblivious that I laugh with them! I don’t want to focus on being offended or hurt because it leads to a dead, cold end and I don’t want that anymore. The message that I had to learn and that all of these words add up to is this… UNFORGIVENESS DOESN’T HINDER THEM, IT HINDERS YOU! So ask yourself…. are you tired of being blocked??

With Broken Beautifulness,

– Kiesh💕💕

Them vs. God! FORGIVE ‘EM! PART ONE!

If I knew years ago what I know now – I could have saved myself sooooooooooooooooooo many problems! However, as we all know – God makes no mistakes! Everything I learned shaped me and is now a testimony to help someone else! Hopefully, ya’ll catch it and apply it because what I am about to say is the realest thing I ever wrote!

“YOU CANNOT HAVE A TRUE, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD UNTIL YOU FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT YOU IN THE PAST!” I can say this with the upmost confidence not only from personal experience but from THE WORD OF GOD! Now, let’s just jump into why I am saying what I am saying! First – let’ start with THE WORD OF GOD because of course… some folks love to argue a point but you can’t argue with THAT WORD THOUGH!

  1. THE WORD OF GOD clearly says – “If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?” 1 John 4:20! Now no matter what anyone says – unforgiveness is a breeding ground for hatred! When you don’t forgive – you isolate yourself from that person and allow unforgiveness to fester and sooner rather than later – hatred has entered your heart! And then well… see beginning of point 1, please.

Now some of you may say – but Ki, you said “Forgive!” not “Love!” but awwww honey, they go hand and hand! Love is the only thing that keeps the Father forgiving us when we continue to do things against His word and we continue to hurt His feelings!  Now if you know His word then you know as Jesus loves us – we are to love one another! (“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” John 13:34-35) So if He forgives us no matter how many times we mess up – then what do you think we should be doing? FORGIVING!! Without stipulations! Without conditions! True love for pleasing Him will result in you doing exactly what His word says – even when it hurts!! “If ye love me, keep my commandments. John 14:15” So what it boils down to is you cannot have one without the other – you cannot love God without forgiving your “them!”

Okay, now that we have set the tone with THAT WORD, let me tell you about my own personal experiences! So, I’ve told you all about the hurt I experienced growing up and as an adult – from being bullied, abusive relationships with friends, family and boyfriends, etc. and once I realized how all that hurt contributed to my unhappiness – I had to figure out how to let it all go so I could be finally healed and set free from it! I desired a relationship with God more than anything and one of things I didn’t realize is how the hatred and unforgiveness I had in my heart was hindering that process!

I remember one day at church during Sunday school – my pastor was talking to me about being filled up with God. He said, “you’ve let some things go but you still have to pour more of you out so God can come in and fill you up!” I was so confused! I’m at every service! I’m claiming victory and going to Heaven any how but I still hadn’t poured me out? What else could I do??? That’s all I kept thinking about! Then my MaMa chimed in – “you have to completely surrender to God! Ask Him how to teach you how to say “Yes!”” WHAT????????? IDK What they wanted me to do! I’ve told God “Yes!” over and over and again! He knows it! I know it! I was so confused on what my next step was! Am I really saved? Will I ever get it right? Then my Pastor preached a message and even though I heard this scripture probably a gazillion times in my life – that Sunday morning – God allowed it to click! He preached on “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” HIS righteousness! Not Kiesha’s! HIS! And that meant it was cleaning time! Not the kind of cleaning where you put everything anywhere as long as it’s out of sight but the type of cleaning that’s deep – the cleaning that searches out cobwebs in the places you can’t see at first glance and dust in corners of the floor that have been there so long that they have now blended in with the tile! A good cleaning!!

Now this was no easy or quick process because flesh obvi always will try to step in! I remember one time when God woke me up about 3 in the morning with a person on my mind that I hadn’t talked to in over 10 years! It was the strangest thing to me but one thing I can say from the experience is that when you ask God to show you yourself – He will – it’s just all about if you’re willing to accept what you see! Anywho, the last time I spoke to this person, I threatened them because I felt they were being disrespectful (I wasn’t saved at that time y’all, don’t judge me!) and to be honest, they were completely and utterly being disrespectful but when God put this person on my heart – He allowed me to see ME – not them! See a lot of times we don’t forgive people because we are focusing on what they have done to us instead of focusing on our reaction to them which is what causes us to be in sin! God won’t ask us what they did to us but He’s gonna ask – what we did to them! There won’t be any “But God’s” on judgement day! He’ll have them books wide open! So, at that moment I realized that I was wrong! There was no excuse! There was nothing I could say! All I did was contact that person and asked for forgiveness! Not rehashing the past! Not making excuses! I responded to my actions because they were wrong and I made it my business to get it right! Don’t get it twisted – flesh tried to creep in – “you gonna apologize? You were just defending the ones you love! You doing too much! That ain’t necessary!” but I thank God for giving me the strength to ignore that flesh and push through anyway because the devil’s job is to trick us up and make us feel good about the wrong! Nobody likes to admit when they are wrong especially if they feel justified! he doesn’t want you to realize the key to your freedom is hidden in forgiveness of the hurt you feel they’ve caused you! When you forgive – you set yourself free! So yes, I apologized and guess what…. I DIDN’T EXPECT AN APOLOGY IN RETURN AND I DIDN’T ALLOW A LACK OF AN APOLOGY TO STOP ME FROM FORGIVING THEM ANYWAY! Not everyone is blessed to see themselves in their wrong so if we forgive others based on the apology we’re expecting, some of us are gonna miss the trip to Heaven! I don’t recall one time reading Jesus saying “Father forgive them for they know not what they do!” and then Him saying, “nah I take that back” because they didn’t run to His feet and ask for His forgiveness! You forgive because it’s in your heart to do so and because you want to be free! Period. Because one of the truest statements I ever read was this… “sometimes we have to accept the apology we will never hear!”

With Beautiful Brokenness,

– Kiesh💕💕