The Struggle in Expectation!

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Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii guys!!!! Its been a few, crazy months but by the grace of God, I am back and so excited to share some news with you all and also how that news outlined this piece!!!

I. AM. PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m almost out of my first trimester, Thank God, and am praying I can actually walk around the next two trimesters without feeling like I am going to vomit at any moment! 😐 But seriously! Morning (really all day) sickness is NO. JOKE.

Anywho, if you all can remember, July 2018, I wrote a piece called “A Childless Mother.” It was about how I always longed to be a mom, thinking I’d never be one due to health issues and how God not only kept me from making a big mistake but also healed my body to be able to one day get pregnant and carry my own child. I reread it for the first time today since I wrote it (if you haven’t read it, please do!) and I’m just in awe of God! Ain’t He good ya’ll?!?! Sometimes its just good to go back and remember all God has done and that reminder gives you a little push to keep going forward!

Isn’t it crazy how when you want something and you’re waiting for it to happen – that season of expectation seems like the hardest sometimes! You wrestle back and forth with trusting God and being optimistic to questioning if its in His plan for you and having moments of depression and sadness because the situation, to our natural eyes, does not look good. That’s been my journey to motherhood! There were days that I completely trusted Gods plan and was so optimistic that one day, in His time, I would be able to look at the pregnancy stick – turn to my husband and tell him, “WE’RE PREGNANT!” But there were those dark times. Those times that I felt like my promise was so far away that to even dream about it was too heartbreaking for me to fathom. This is part one of what I call “The Struggle in Expectation.”

You know what God has promised you. You’ve read His Word. You’ve heard the prophecies. You’ve dreamed the dreams but yet – in expectation, you sometimes struggle to believe it because all signs say “Nope.” Anyone who says they have faith and trust Gods plan ALL of the time – I cannot say they are being completely honest. We are human and sometimes our human emotions and natural eyes cover the spiritual! Should our faith be increasing the more God delivers, set frees, heals, fixes, etc. us and those around us? Yes. But sometimes its difficult to go through the get through! Sometimes we have our moments in the “garden” like Jesus and say/ask God – “if it’s possible….” “Will I get?” “Can I go?” And I am here to tell you if no one else has said this to you before: IT. IS. OKAY. It is okay to have those moments because its normal BUT don’t stay in those moments! Come right back and say “NEVERTHELESS!!!”

So in my season of expectation – one thing that helped me tremendously (you’ve heard this before but hear it again LOL!) is one day, pre marriage, while talking to God – I told Him that if He never blessed me to be a mom or wife that my “Yes” to Him would still remain! Now I am going to go a bit off topic here because I feel this is important to say! If you get saved to get something from God – you are going to have a hard time staying committed to Him during your seasons of waiting! My mother in love always says, “Why you do something determines how you do it!” Just like in anything – if you do it for the wrong reasons – it’s easy to find reasons to quit when it doesn’t seem like its going the way you want it to go! Come to God because He is amazing and He loves you and life is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better with Him!! Okay – back to the topic – so the things that I wanted most – I told God without them, I still chose Him. Would it be hard? Yes. But I gave my life to God to live for Him despite what He gave me so my commitment wasn’t going to change.

Fast forward to me actually dating my now husband. In my season of waiting for a good man, I never thought it would happen but all of a sudden I was actually dating a really GOOD man, that I actually liked to be around and then that good man asked me to be his wife and then we got married and now all is well because I got what I had been expecting right?! WRONG. The second part of the struggle in expectation is when you actually get what you were expecting and now comes the fear of losing it. You’re almost afraid to move you’re so afraid something will happen to take it away from you! That’s how I felt when I first got married and that’s exactly how I’ve felt the past 3 months since finding out that I was expecting!

Finding out I was pregnant – especially so soon (I got off birth control October 10th; found out I was about 5 weeks pregnant on December 3rd), was so mind blowing to me! I was excited, thankful, joyful, in love but TERRIFIED that this long awaited dream would all go away if I enjoyed it too much! Of course in the first trimester, there is always a risk of miscarriage – that’s just the facts! But not only that, it was like the enemy was whispering in my ear everyday that I was going to lose the baby! I was already sick as ever; feeling all these emotions times a billion; body slowly but surely changing and now the thoughts of actually being responsible for a tiny human was freaking me out as well but above all of that – its like I was paralyzed in fear.

One thing my fellow empathic best friend told me while I was planning my wedding and stressed beyond reason is this, “The devil cannot stop your blessings but he can try to steal the joy out of them.” When God allowed that thought to come to mind – it just blew me away and now, all I could think is – God, I cannot stop life but I can trust You in it. The enemy doesn’t want us to get our blessings which is why he tries to keep us down, depressed and not constantly seeking God because he knows when God is ready to bless us – he cannot stop it! But when we get blessed, he’s not just going to roll over and say “better luck next time!” NO! he comes and tries to keep us from enjoying what God had for us all along! his hand cannot touch us without Gods permission and that’s why ultimately, no matter what happens, our trust has to be in GOD!

Although being pregnant and thinking of having my own child is amazing and I am beyond thankful for this gift, no matter what happens and no matter how scary it may seem sometime, my trust has to be in God and Him alone. Fear will drive you absolutely nuts and who has time to go nuts especially with all life has been throwing at all of us lately??? Anybody?! Thought so! LOL! So that’s why its important for us to make sure we are staying in Gods Word (remembering what He says), constantly in prayer (casting our cares on Him) and even when it gets hard, trusting His plan! Its ultimately the best thing for us – although it can be unbearable sometimes – He knows what He is doing.

And for those who are in their season of waiting/expectation – especially the women waiting to be found by their husbands and the ones waiting and praying to be a Mom one day, if you have nothing else to hold on to I will leave you with what got me through and changed my life. Matthew 6:33 (But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.) I am not going to say we will always get the things we want but I will tell you if you seek God first, He will give you what you need, sometimes want, and He will exceed every expectation you had but you have to give all of you to Him! Leave nothing hidden.

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

What are we doing Church?

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I was NOT planning to write anything but after my prayer time this morning, I felt led to write and talk to The Christian Community!

I have this app on my phone called GLORIFY! I have had it for about a week or so and I really love it! It gives you a chance to read a passage of scripture and a devotional that goes along with that scripture and then there is a 5 minute meditation on what you just read! There is also an option to have prayer – there are two saved prayers, one that goes over The Lord’s Prayer and then one that prays for our leaders; there’s also an option to add your own prayer focus! When I decided to add mine, “Our Children” is what came to mind! Now, currently, I do not have kids, but what I mean is the children of this entire world! As I prayed, I could see children crying – being beat, abused – physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally; being screamed at and treated wrongly because of their parents being unhappy with their lives and taking it out on them! Then I begin to think of human trafficking – how people actually have a mind to drug women, boys & girls and sell them for others to use and abuse until they can’t be used anymore or die in the process. I begin to think about how many lives are lost each day from senseless murders, starvation, drug over doses, alcohol poisoning or withdrawal! I begin to think how many people are lost by hearing false teachers and preachers and then one question came to mind: “What are we doing CHURCH?!” My eyes teared up because I know there is so much work that needs to be done and so much we, as the body of Christ, aren’t doing and that has to change!

One thing my husband and I center our work on is it’s not MY purpose but HIS purpose! His purpose is the PEOPLE! He died for us because HE loved us and if we have His love abiding inside of us – are we showing it as much as we should? It should not be shown to just the people we see every day! It should not just be shown to those who make us feel comfortable! It should be shown to that homeless guy on the street who may not smell the best. It should be shown to that child that you see with holes in their shoes and a too little coat on. It should be shown to that elderly man or woman who can’t get around good anymore and needs help being cleaned up. Gods people should have a concern for Gods people! READ THAT AGAIN! No matter if they are saved or not – they still belong to God and as long as we are breathing, our life should be lived in serving Gods people! There is a difference between purpose and ministry! Purpose is the reason why. Ministry is the work that assists the purpose. ASSISTS! That means HELPS – not take over! Yes, we all have different forms of ministry but we should NEVER get so caught up in our ministry that we forget the purpose of why God gave it to us! He gives us ministry because we all have different ways of reaching different people but the mission should still be the same: souls being saved; sick being healed; hopeless finding hope; the hungry being fed; the lost being found; the abused being loved back wholly!

The awesome part also is this: we don’t have to worry about being poured back into – God will make a way! We take care of others and God will ALWAYS make a way to take care of us!! (But don’t do it just to get something back! Always do it from the heart or don’t do it all!) Church let’s come together and do better! Let’s come together for HIS purpose! We shouldn’t be looking for our name to be known – if it happens, all Glory STILL belongs to God – but if it doesn’t, we should still have that same drive and love to do His work regardless! It’s about Him and His people! Go love somebody random today – and then the next day and then the next day! I challenge myself! Make the challenge for yourself as well! And if you don’t feel the need to then ask yourself, what are you doing?!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh🦋💕