Her Crown, My Crown

Her Crown, My Crown;

Such a difference between the two.

Different women; different stories;

Different ways we made it through.

See, I might’ve went left;

But she had to go right.

Sometimes she kept it peaceful;

But me, I had to fight.

Her dad may have been her best friend;

While mine remained an enemy.

Her childhood could’ve  been a blessing;

While mine stayed a tragedy.

I don’t know what makes her, her;

And she doesn’t know why I’m me.

I don’t understand the moves she makes;

And my path, to her, is still a mystery.

She don’t think how I think.

And my mind isn’t one she understands.

She may put her trust in her family;

While I don’t put confidence in man.

Her beauty is because she stays true to her.

My beauty, because I stay true to me.

Yet there is so much division among us

But as to why, I cannot see!

She loves the path she is taking,

And I must say, I am enjoying mine;

But there is no reason to point out each others flaws,

There is no reason to create a divide.

It’s time we learn to help each other up;

It’s so easy to pull each other down!

No matter the difference between us,

We can respect both her and my CROWN!

 

– Kiesh

(Insert Here) for Feelings!!

So we’ve gone through a lot of different obstacles I’ve faced in my life and you guys have connected with me which I love and to my surprise have dealt with a lot of the same issues! Thankfully I’m not crazy!😂

Anywho, this particular issue, I never knew was an issue until I looked backed and realized how terrible a cycle it was and I also have never discussed it with anyone. During any stressful time in my life and as you all know was a lot of the time, instead of discussing what was bothering me or dealing with it at all, I did two things: I ate and I got angry. Food and anger were the things that comforted me whenever I was hurting and I leaned on them hard! We discussed my weight issues in part three of Scars to Beauty Marks! but this was something that I did even before it was noticeable due to me gaining weight. I kept it hidden for a while but no one knew that I had an eating disorder during my teen years!

I remember the idea came to me when I watched this movie on Lifetime called “A Secret Between Friends!” it was about two friends who had an eating disorder – eating a bunch of crap and then making themselves throw it back up so they wouldn’t gain any weight! In the end, one of the girls told on her friend to try to save her. I figured this would be easy for me because I didn’t have friends really to keep a secret like that with, and of course in my teenage mind, I could control it where it wouldn’t be bad on me or my health, so I thought this was a good plan for me!

Doritos, all things sweets, just bunches of friggin junk; an extra helping of this and an extra helping of that – and then I would go into the bathroom, turn on the faucet and puke my guts out so there was no evidence of what I had done. Thinking back on it now – it was really disgusting and sad but in the moment, I thought – a few minutes of gagging was worth not being fat! It was worth covering up so I could experience the comfort I felt when I ate the foods that tasted so good to me!

See people don’t realize but it’s true when it they say, food doesn’t judge – food understands!😂 You’ve had a rough day that turns into a rough year – if you are use to being an emotional eater then a cheeseburger, fries and a shake are going to make you feel so good…. until after you eat it because the pain doesn’t go away; it’s just on pause while you get your fix! The same thing goes for people who use alcohol, drugs, sex, etc. We all have something that we lean on to make us feel good when things go really bad but unless it’s Jesus, the satisfaction of it doesn’t last so you have to keep consuming more and more of it so it will last longer! See with Jesus… one good hit and it’ll last you all day… maybe even the rest of the week! The best part about Him is, there’s no guilt after you get you a taste either! You can get some everyday and it’s gets better each and every time! Most importantly, it makes you better each and every time!

So for me, food, that was what I fell back on as well as anger! If I had a bad day, somebody was going to have an even worse day because I was gonna find a reason to pop off and take my frustration out on them and anyone that was around by default! It’s so true when they say, hurt people hurt people! I can speak from personal experience: when you’ve been hurt and keep getting hurt over and over again, it’s a chain reaction because you take what someone has done to you out on someone else! The least little thing made me blow up. I held grudges. I fought. I cussed people out. I talked about them badly. I made them feel like their existing was an issue… why? Because to me, my existing was an issue and instead of having Self-Honesty, I did what I thought was the next best thing and that was make someone else question their life because then I’m not alone in how I’m thinking and feeling and there was a little bit of comfort there.

That’s why it’s so important for us to be in touch with our feelings and understand how to truly communicate them so that we engage in a healthy cycle. It never stops with one thing… if your mental health isn’t good then likely you’re not taking care of yourself physical or spiritually which will, if given the chance, weigh on your emotional health and before you know it, you’re just an unhealthy person! See my physical health was great at first – I was an athlete; always active and eating right but then my emotional state finally got so low that I stopped taking care of myself physically and that slowly but surely went south because I only made myself vomit after eating for so long; one day my brother caught me and I still don’t know to this day if he realizes what I was doing but him catching me, scared me and I pretty much stopped but I kept eating and the weight caught up to me making me sad and depressed; add on the fact that now I was drinking like a fish and completely neglected myself spiritually, I was just one unhealthy person!

My point is, it all truly does flow together: physical, mental, spiritual and emotional health! I feel the most important (obvi) is spiritual good health! Why? Because I feel like if your life is aligned spiritually then everything else will follow! There are times when that emotional eating tries to step back in but the Word is a reminder, “eat so much as is sufficient for thee!” Girl you better PRAY! Or when I don’t want to work out and be active and then “know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you!” The Word is a reminder but it’s up to us to obey it when it comes!

I am still not in the best shape that I could be in but I am getting there, I think! I am lot more aware of what I put in my body and how much! Sometimes I still don’t do as well as I should but I am working daily to get better at it! My advice to anyone that is using something to make themselves feel good or better about their situation…. Try Jesus! Acknowledge the problem. Give yourself a good dose of Self-Honesty and give Him a try!! It took years for me to get things on track but now that I have, even when I have slip-ups, it’s a much better feeling than I had when I wasn’t taking care of myself in all the ways possible! If you truly want to love you – start acknowledging the feelings you have and the cycle you use to work through them and if it’s anything like mine was – rather it’s food, drugs, alcohol, people – you’re not loving yourself enough – you can do better for you!! CHOOSE YOU!!!!!

With Beautiful Brokenness,

-Kiesh💕💕

You & me, me & You!

This love affair is private, no one else can understand.

Some try to get the scoop but they never really can.

The way we move together, it’s perfect, just us two.

I wanna get closer & deeper; I just love me & You!

 

People question if I’m faithful; they know You would never cheat.

If I sit they want me standing, if I’m up they want me on my seat.

But You get everything about me; all of me You can see.

This relationship is my highest high; I can’t get enough of You & me.

 

Everyone questions my motives but You lookin at my heart.

They’re watching my past but You’ve been there from the start.

Left or right; which direction? what am I supposed to do?

Focus on us & remember it’s just me & You!

 

Block out the noise & listen to My Word!

Let negative talk fly over your head like a bird!

Don’t get upset with people; just let everything be;

Live the life I’ve given you & know all that matters is You & me!

 

– Kiesh 💕💕

Them vs. God! FORGIVE ‘EM! PART TWO!

Yall was kinda quiet on part one! I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing but either way – we are gonna continue to part two by picking up right where we left off….

Now I know there are people who will say, “I’ve forgiven but I haven’t forgotten.” We are human and you can’t magically forget how a person has treated you – let’s be real BUT you can work to forgive them every day until the hurt they caused you isn’t all you talk about or see when you see them or hear their name! I’ll give you an example! There was someone who honestly made me want to check them like no one has been checked before BUT I knew that above anything I wanted to be saved! So, one day I was at home organizing my closet and talking to God! I was telling Him about the situation and asking for Him to fix them and give them a mind to be saved! Afterwards I went and sat down and started reading my Bible and turned to Titus 3! I hadn’t planned on reading it – I just opened my Bible! So, I read and I sat there like, “WOW!” When you get time, please read it! Anywho, when I read that, I realized that we all have been through things and been foolish in different ways but grace and mercy is the only thing that helped us out! The thing we have to stop doing is deciding who deserves grace & mercy! We ALL need it! I don’t care what tongues you speak in, what degree you have, what position you hold in or outside the church, no matter if you been saved 5 minutes or 5 decades – WE ARE ALL ONLY SAVED BY GRACE & MERCY! At that moment I realized, God was showing me myself! It wasn’t about them – it was about ME! I’m responsible for me – how I act, respond, etc. That’s the same thing with forgiveness! It’s not about THEM! ITS ABOUT YOU!!!!

See we hold back forgiveness because we are foolish in thinking it gives us some sort of power. Quick to boast! “I don’t let things go!” “I’ll never forget!” “I hold grudges real bad!” “Ain’t nobody running over me!” We honestly think we are doing something and that makes us strong to NOT forgive! Please realize this – forgiving someone for the pain they caused you makes you stronger than you can even imagine! It takes a weak and basic individual to do what everyone else does! Jesus forgave when He was lied on. He forgave without getting an apology in return. He forgave when He knew everything He said and did was right – He forgave some more! He wasn’t weighed down by what people said or did to Him! He didn’t allow it to stop Him from being and giving the most perfect example of love! He continued to be exactly who He was – a forgiving and loving Savior!

Another thing I learned about forgiveness is that when you don’t forgive – and you keep your wall up because you’re so afraid that someone else will do what the last person did – your wall is put up with God as well! Most people will trust until you give them a reason not to; I was always the type of person that I didn’t trust you until you gave me a reason to and unknowingly, that’s how I entered into my relationship with God! I kept praying and reading my Bible and asking God to come in – pleading with Him to fill me and it was just _____________________. (that’s a flatline LOL!) I realize now that I was completely weighed down with years of unforgiveness, dislike, fear, doubt, self-pity, hatred, stubbornness, orneriness, etc. God can’t come into an unclean temple! He ain’t forreal even standing on the welcome mat! I made my first step of confessing I want to be saved and that I believed but in order for me to let God come into my life like He wants to and I desired to, I had to stop punishing God for the faults of man!

Ooooooooooooooooooooooo! Let’s get into that last statement!! “…punishing God for the faults of man!” What we don’t realize is that when we’ve experienced mans flawed, conditional love and it does what it’s almost designed to do – hurt you – we take that thought of “love hurts” into our relationship with God! God’s love is the purest form of love and there is nothing bad about it but when we don’t learn to forgive, we hinder experiencing God’s love because we don’t know how to receive it! Unforgiveness limits us! How upset would you be if you saw a bag and in it was $5000 and you really needed this money! You have bills due and the gas light is on and your fridge is bare; the person holding it has promised to give it to you if you can just reach him but you can never quite reach that person because there is a line of people that have hurt you between the two of you! Every time you look at them – you remember something they said or did and you turn back and decide to not even deal with them – leaving the bag of money sitting there, yours – but unclaimed! Most of you are probably thinking, “nuh uh! I’m getting that money!” but nah you ain’t! That’s what we do – God is standing there with goodness and blessings beyond measure but we cannot reach them or Him really because we refuse to interact and forgive those who have hurt us!

Forgiveness is not only the key to our freedom but also the key to our relationship with God! He forgives us as we forgive others and the cycle can only be stopped by us! I can’t tell you how many people have done something to hurt or upset me since truly giving all of me to God! I’ve started asking God to give me a blind eye and a deaf ear to folks shenanigans! If they are making fun of me, I ask God to make me so oblivious that I laugh with them! I don’t want to focus on being offended or hurt because it leads to a dead, cold end and I don’t want that anymore. The message that I had to learn and that all of these words add up to is this… UNFORGIVENESS DOESN’T HINDER THEM, IT HINDERS YOU! So ask yourself…. are you tired of being blocked??

With Broken Beautifulness,

– Kiesh💕💕

Them vs. God! FORGIVE ‘EM! PART ONE!

If I knew years ago what I know now – I could have saved myself sooooooooooooooooooo many problems! However, as we all know – God makes no mistakes! Everything I learned shaped me and is now a testimony to help someone else! Hopefully, ya’ll catch it and apply it because what I am about to say is the realest thing I ever wrote!

“YOU CANNOT HAVE A TRUE, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD UNTIL YOU FORGIVE THOSE WHO HAVE HURT YOU IN THE PAST!” I can say this with the upmost confidence not only from personal experience but from THE WORD OF GOD! Now, let’s just jump into why I am saying what I am saying! First – let’ start with THE WORD OF GOD because of course… some folks love to argue a point but you can’t argue with THAT WORD THOUGH!

  1. THE WORD OF GOD clearly says – “If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?” 1 John 4:20! Now no matter what anyone says – unforgiveness is a breeding ground for hatred! When you don’t forgive – you isolate yourself from that person and allow unforgiveness to fester and sooner rather than later – hatred has entered your heart! And then well… see beginning of point 1, please.

Now some of you may say – but Ki, you said “Forgive!” not “Love!” but awwww honey, they go hand and hand! Love is the only thing that keeps the Father forgiving us when we continue to do things against His word and we continue to hurt His feelings!  Now if you know His word then you know as Jesus loves us – we are to love one another! (“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.” John 13:34-35) So if He forgives us no matter how many times we mess up – then what do you think we should be doing? FORGIVING!! Without stipulations! Without conditions! True love for pleasing Him will result in you doing exactly what His word says – even when it hurts!! “If ye love me, keep my commandments. John 14:15” So what it boils down to is you cannot have one without the other – you cannot love God without forgiving your “them!”

Okay, now that we have set the tone with THAT WORD, let me tell you about my own personal experiences! So, I’ve told you all about the hurt I experienced growing up and as an adult – from being bullied, abusive relationships with friends, family and boyfriends, etc. and once I realized how all that hurt contributed to my unhappiness – I had to figure out how to let it all go so I could be finally healed and set free from it! I desired a relationship with God more than anything and one of things I didn’t realize is how the hatred and unforgiveness I had in my heart was hindering that process!

I remember one day at church during Sunday school – my pastor was talking to me about being filled up with God. He said, “you’ve let some things go but you still have to pour more of you out so God can come in and fill you up!” I was so confused! I’m at every service! I’m claiming victory and going to Heaven any how but I still hadn’t poured me out? What else could I do??? That’s all I kept thinking about! Then my MaMa chimed in – “you have to completely surrender to God! Ask Him how to teach you how to say “Yes!”” WHAT????????? IDK What they wanted me to do! I’ve told God “Yes!” over and over and again! He knows it! I know it! I was so confused on what my next step was! Am I really saved? Will I ever get it right? Then my Pastor preached a message and even though I heard this scripture probably a gazillion times in my life – that Sunday morning – God allowed it to click! He preached on “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” HIS righteousness! Not Kiesha’s! HIS! And that meant it was cleaning time! Not the kind of cleaning where you put everything anywhere as long as it’s out of sight but the type of cleaning that’s deep – the cleaning that searches out cobwebs in the places you can’t see at first glance and dust in corners of the floor that have been there so long that they have now blended in with the tile! A good cleaning!!

Now this was no easy or quick process because flesh obvi always will try to step in! I remember one time when God woke me up about 3 in the morning with a person on my mind that I hadn’t talked to in over 10 years! It was the strangest thing to me but one thing I can say from the experience is that when you ask God to show you yourself – He will – it’s just all about if you’re willing to accept what you see! Anywho, the last time I spoke to this person, I threatened them because I felt they were being disrespectful (I wasn’t saved at that time y’all, don’t judge me!) and to be honest, they were completely and utterly being disrespectful but when God put this person on my heart – He allowed me to see ME – not them! See a lot of times we don’t forgive people because we are focusing on what they have done to us instead of focusing on our reaction to them which is what causes us to be in sin! God won’t ask us what they did to us but He’s gonna ask – what we did to them! There won’t be any “But God’s” on judgement day! He’ll have them books wide open! So, at that moment I realized that I was wrong! There was no excuse! There was nothing I could say! All I did was contact that person and asked for forgiveness! Not rehashing the past! Not making excuses! I responded to my actions because they were wrong and I made it my business to get it right! Don’t get it twisted – flesh tried to creep in – “you gonna apologize? You were just defending the ones you love! You doing too much! That ain’t necessary!” but I thank God for giving me the strength to ignore that flesh and push through anyway because the devil’s job is to trick us up and make us feel good about the wrong! Nobody likes to admit when they are wrong especially if they feel justified! he doesn’t want you to realize the key to your freedom is hidden in forgiveness of the hurt you feel they’ve caused you! When you forgive – you set yourself free! So yes, I apologized and guess what…. I DIDN’T EXPECT AN APOLOGY IN RETURN AND I DIDN’T ALLOW A LACK OF AN APOLOGY TO STOP ME FROM FORGIVING THEM ANYWAY! Not everyone is blessed to see themselves in their wrong so if we forgive others based on the apology we’re expecting, some of us are gonna miss the trip to Heaven! I don’t recall one time reading Jesus saying “Father forgive them for they know not what they do!” and then Him saying, “nah I take that back” because they didn’t run to His feet and ask for His forgiveness! You forgive because it’s in your heart to do so and because you want to be free! Period. Because one of the truest statements I ever read was this… “sometimes we have to accept the apology we will never hear!”

With Beautiful Brokenness,

– Kiesh💕💕

Come Home!

So far away, I can’t see a way back. Seems like this time I’ve really gotten lost. Doing things I never thought I would. Paying prices that were once too high a cost.

 

Mind never settled, constantly running crazy; no peace even when the world is completely still. Crying more tears than I’ve ever imagined; living a reality I can’t believe is real.

 

Unhappy in every situation I was put in; sometimes angry for no reason at all. Thought this life would take me way up but everyday results in a bigger fall.

 

Can’t win for losing it seems; and I’m always having to fake a smile. Feeling completely worthless and disgusting; starting to think my life isn’t even worth while.

 

Contemplating ending all of this; I’m tired! Surely death has to be better. “Wait!” a voice cries out; go back to church & get yourself together.

 

How can I step foot in that place? There’s just no way… I’ve lived too bad a life. How could I ever be included in the forgiveness brought by Your perfect sacrifice?

 

“You’ve been worthy from the beginning; even the times when you walked away. I’ve been working hard on your case, pleading for you night & day. I’ve watched over, protected & tried to show you that you are not alone. I need you to listen to Me, my child; it’s time for you to come home!”

– Kiesh💕💕

A Childless Mother!

It’s crazy to think but out of everything that I have shared with you guys – this one has to be the hardest! But – not backing out now so let’s just jump right into this!

I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. In fact – I have the heart and soul of a mother! I feel it inside of me and I’ve always felt I was born to be one. Sure, I’ve had dreams of making it big; having a big house and fancy car; but the dream that I’ve had that outweighs almost every other dream is having children of my own. For starters, I’ve always loved kids (not bad kids; I kid… but no forreal! LOL) and for some reason, they seem to love me too! I get people that are so shocked that I’m 31 with no children but believe me, it’s not like I hadn’t tried! However, looking back on it now – God was in the background making sure I didn’t set myself up for long term hurt! I’ve been in 2 serious relationships in my life and in both I tried my best to get pregnant – even though I knew it wasn’t the best situation! One of them, we were so young that it would have been a mess for both of us. The other was adamant that he didn’t want any more children. On the outside, I agreed with him but on the inside – in my heart, I prayed every single month for almost 5 years that God would somehow, someway bless me to get pregnant! Now – you’re probably wondering – if I was trying, why wasn’t it happening! Ugh! Here we go…….!

So! When I was around 20 years old – I was told that it would be almost impossible for me to have children. I honestly don’t remember walking out of the doctor’s office because I don’t even remember breathing after I heard those words. When I got in the car – I broke down so hard! I cried! I cried! And I cried some more! The one thing I wanted – the one thing I was dying to have, I was just told that it would probably never happen! Now – although I was born and raised in the church – my faith was practically non-existent so it didn’t even occur to me to pray! The only thing I knew to do was to tell my uncle. I called my uncle Jon and told him what they said – he was saying everything he was supposed to say; “God has the final say”; “be encouraged”; “you’re still young”, etc.; but I still didn’t feel any better! All I felt was emptiness! I didn’t want to talk about it anymore or even think about it anymore! Yet it was all I could think about! Everyone around me were having babies, left and right! It seemed as though they could smile and turn up pregnant! And I’m just sitting here – gaining weight as if I were eating for two but nope – those two double cheeseburger, large fries, coke and cookies are juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust for me! Ugh! Sometimes I would just lay in my bed and hold my stomach as if I were pregnant – wondering if God would ever do how he did Mary and let a woman conceive from the Holy Ghost (not that I was virtuous or holy even for that matter at the time, but still!) – yeah yall, I was thinking straight crazy! But when you feel your dream has been stripped from you – you’d be surprised how the mind wanders!

As time went on, I pushed it further and further to the back of my mind and replaced it with jokes, being overly obnoxious about never wanting kids (pretending I had a choice) and drinking! I drank like a friggin fish! Tequila! Patron! Vodka! Give it to crazy Ki! She’s gonna take it down like a CHAMP! But on the inside, every drink I took made me think about the words from the doctor’s lips! I didn’t just drink either – I had to go overboard – do way more than anyone else! My “friends” may take three shots and I had to double it and take 6! All this just to cover up that I was the sad clown! On the outside, I’m smiling, loud, obnoxious and funny but on the inside, I’m crying; sad and hating everything about myself especially that I couldn’t be the one thing that I know I’d actually be good at!

As the years went on, I continued to gain more weight! There is one day I can remember and it’s like so sick that I am literally cringing as I am typing! I looked in the mirror at the weight I had gained – especially in my stomach – and I was so used to sucking my stomach in around people that I didn’t even realize I was doing it when I was alone – so I actually pushed my stomach out to it’s true size; I turned to the side and I rubbed my belly! I rubbed my belly as if there was something in there and I cried! I just didn’t understand why the thing that I wanted the most – especially since God gave me such a heart and soul to be a mom, why wasn’t God giving me what I desired!

Fast forward to years of me abusing myself and then actually getting saved – I was in my relationship but remember – everything intimate stopped because I’M SERIOUS ABOUT LIVING HOLY – PRIVATELY AND PUBLICLY! So I hadn’t thought about getting checked or anything – I just chopped it up forreal! It just wasn’t gonna happen for me and that was that! I ended up needing to have a procedure in January of 2016 to stop the spread of my endometriosis which is something that can cause infertility if left untreated! One of the things the doctor checked (who is the BEST thing since sliced bread, I LOVE YOU DR. S.!) is to see if he saw anything that would prevent me from having kids. My procedure went really well; I now have to take birth control pills for the hormones to suppress the endometriosis. (don’t even let the devil drop in your mind that I’m getting busy either and start rumors about Ol Ki!! LOL! But forreal tho! I haven’t been touched in that manner in almost 4 years, since giving my life to the Lord FORREAL this time and I won’t be touched like that until I am a married woman, okkkkkkkkkkkkkkurrrrrr!) Anwyho, in addition, per Dr. S., everything looks good and I should have no problems getting pregnant and carrying a baby! NOW! Of course – I cheesed like Celie when she kissed Shug Avery! BUT my hope isn’t in the doctor – it’s in God! So, if something went left and I am unable to carry my own child – God will still make a way for me! I am trusting in Him and His plan because His timing and His way is perfect and I know that now! The path that I was on and the things that I hadn’t learned – I wasn’t physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally ready to bring a child into this world! This is just another example of how good God is – He knew! I didn’t! And now that I am a saved woman – I am able to speak more positively about being a mother one day and why God has made me wait!

Don’t get me wrong – one day being a mom is like one of the most important things in the world to me BUT I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad that when I tried to make things happens, it didn’t happen! I sit sometimes and think about things and although I want to be a mom so badly, I don’t want something so beautiful to be tangled in a crappy situation! I would have been accepting less than and I deserve more as well as my baby(s.) Sometimes I feel we are so determined to get something that we’d do anything in order to get it, not understanding that anything that comes quickly is not likely to last or even be good for us!! God will make us wait for some blessings so that once received, we appreciate them so much more! To sound completely cliché’ I want the good, saved hubby and then the baby – I want to do things the way I always wanted and I believe God knew that and is keeping that for me in the appropriate time! He made me caring, nurturing and loving; He has taught me to be patient and understanding; He has made me to be a leader through serving; He has taught me to give unselfishly all of myself; He has put the very essence of a mother in my whole makeup. So, although some days it’s hard to be positive and some days I have dreams of holding my baby or hearing her coo; or seeing my sister hold her (actual dreams that I have dreamt) – I know for now God has me in a season to be a childless mother. Ya’ll keep me in your prayers though because sometimes – discouragement creeps in but thank God for constant reminders that He is right there!

With Beautiful Brokkenness,

-Kiesh💕💕

Men’s Week Presents: Christopher Simon Jr.’s “Sticks, Stones & How God Fixed My Wrongs!”

Psalms 51:16-17 “For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.”

“Look at Chris fat self, he busting out his clothes.”

“Boy you ugly I don’t want to talk to you.”

“You cute for a big dude but I just don’t like you.”

“Them shoes leaning boy I’m about to get you”

Words I heard growing up, never did I ever believe that they would effect me as an adult. My 6th and 7th grade years in school were the worst times of my life. Not because my father wasn’t present in my life, not because my mother was strung out on drugs, not because I lived in a broken home, none of these things were true. I hated these times of my life because of the things that were said about me.

They often taught us, “Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Words Could Never Hurt Me.” Honestly, that’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard in my life. Sometimes, words hit harder than a blow to the head, and cut deeper than any knife designed. I dreaded going to school, everyday felt like a war zone, if it wasn’t one person grilling me it was the next. I would literally make it home, have a sigh of relief and say, “I made it through another day.” It may sound dramatic, exaggerated, or maybe even embellished to some, but this is how I felt.

Over the years I found myself modeling my actions after those who I thought were cool or popular. I began to be a follower and do things I knew I shouldn’t do, because of the words I feared of facing if I didn’t. I’ve realized that we’re not careful enough with our speech, we say things and use words so lightly as if they hold no weight at all. How can we disregard the strength of words, when this whole universe was created by the words spoken through God’s mouth?

Words broke me, and when I got to high school, I began to use them to break others. Not intentionally, but the things I said made others laugh and made them want to be around me. I became popular behind the damaging words I said to or about others. If I felt I went too far I’d apologize, but sorry only helps so much, I know that from experience. People know me now and it feels good, but they don’t know me for me, they know me for being funny and always cracking jokes. I wanted people to accept me for who I was, not just call me around when they needed a quick giggle. The girls that I wanted didn’t want me, I would see them point in my direction and laugh, and it hurt. I hated looking weak so I thought being “tough” or looking “angry” would get me respect. Little did I know, it only pushed away the people who were actually trying to be a friend and love me for me.

The Lord saved me at 17, and that’s when he began to expose to me what I’d been dealing with. Being insecure because of my size, and attire, not that I was a bum, because I’ve always been fly 😎, I was just so caught up in what I didn’t have to where I overlooked what I did have. My insecurities spoke louder than my actual voice, and if I’m completely honest, I still haven’t overcome them completely. Tap your neighbor and say “NEIGHBORRR, I’m a work in progress.” God is still working on me and showing me how being broken isn’t always a bad thing. When our life is pieced perfectly together and everything is going smooth, we tend to forget God. Even when we’re paying tithes and giving back to the community, we still have to keep our relationship with God in tact. When we begin to fade away from God, we cause troubles for ourselves. We begin to be broken by our decisions, the cares of life, and the actions and/or words of others. The breaking hurts, but who do we turn to ? God ! Embrace the fact that you’ve been broken because God isn’t going to piece you back together with the broken pieces, he’s going to add newer, better and stronger pieces. My name is Christopher Duane Simon Jr. and I thank God that I’ve been Broken, Beautifully!

Men’s Week Presents: David Dewberry Sr.’s “Destiny Revealed Through Brokenness!”

Preface…as I write creatively I do not proof. I allow it to be flaws and all.

I AM broken….beautifully too…

Most men equate these two words as weak…or even inmasculine. However…as for me…I thank God to be broken beautifully. For it was of Him…in Him…by Him and for Him…that my broken has been arranged in such a beautiful manner.

I embrace the man that I am…the man that God is using to craft this post. I owe ALL that I am to God…who is a restorer…a healer and a waymaker. One thing is for certain and two is for sure…God’s promises is yes and amen…and He will see His good work through to completion. So my broken and beautiful is this…

March 29, 2008…the day that altered my life forever. This would be the day my wife took her last breath. The aftermath…left with two children…confused…scared…shook to my core…what do I do. Over the next several months I begin to develop into an iceberg…keeping everything in and not allowing anything to release. Over the next year I begin to do whatever it is I wanted. I began to live recklessly. In the midst of my recklessness God begins a purge in my life. My job relocates…I lose custody of  my daughter…I lose my home…my car breaks down…and I gain 130 pounds…but God. Let me tell you about my broken. Sometimes God need you to get to the very point of brokenness…He will shake the hell out of you…to get the hell out of you (catch that).

July 12, 2009…I connected with destiny and began a love-story with my lifetime. This was the day that God firmly rooted destiny in my life. Destiny did not judge me…destiny talked to me. Destiny walked with me. Destiny did not give up on me. On this day I learned destiny has a name…and her name is Jennifer…my wonderfully created wife. God began to repair my brokenness through her. He gave me not only what I wanted…but what I absolutely needed…because the crazy thing is this…she was walking a similar journey as me…only a year later. God used two weathered ships…to create a beautifully broken vessel. God told me…David…I am your sufficiency as long as you trust me and as I put my trust in God, He began to transform the what was to the what will be…

…oooh and about that 130 pounds (it was more like 200)…His promises are yes and amen and He will see His good work through to completion. Father thank you for beautifully breaking me too…So my testimony to you…is to NEVER give up. Romans 8:28…all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Men’s Week Presents: Lineal Gaulding’s “Man Down! Wait… Nevermind…. There’s GOD!”

Before I even begin I just want to tell God, thank You for Your goodness and grace. My name is Lineal D. Gaulding and I would like to share my 2018 testimony of how I was Broken, Beautifully. 2018 has been a year different than any year that I’ve ever had in my thirty-five years of life. Although in many respects I’ve taken some big loses, I’ve gained much more. I’ve come to realize that God through turmoil and strife is doing it to bring you to brighter and higher positions. Even when it seems you’ve taken several seats (haha) and steps back. He has a plan and if you stay in His will, you won’t believe the things that He’ll do. But, with that you have to stay humble and treat people right. My past six months will definitely tell you why I say this and why the last two points I make are critical for saints and future saints (wink).

I started this year on the highest of highs. I had finally broken through and gotten on with a law enforcment agency and starting in January after five years of the all mighty word, “NO!” I had finally gotten in, was going to academy for training and was going to get paid. I wasn’t going to have to live paycheck to paycheck. I was going to graduate from the amazing Wilberforce University with my bachelors degree all in the same year. Well so I thought atleast. I can in retrospect almost picture the devil say “oh he thinks he happy and that his God showed up and out for him huh, hold my beer.” I go to get sworn in, in front of family, friends, city council, major and half the public safety department. Go thru some in house training for two weeks and was off to Columbus for twenty-two weeks (Yeah I said 22 weeks) of training with my favorite people I call the, “Round Hats.” This is a little foreshadowing, but l’m never running for leisure in the winter outside ever again. On just day two, during morning PT (at 0530 to 0700) running back from the state fair there was a patch of black ice, that I didn’t see while turning a corner. Yep, I slipped on that. I don’t go down (I wish I had now) I started to fall & I through myself forward and in the process I sprung 80 to 85 percent of the ligaments in my left knee. With the severity of the sprang and OSP not being a progressive academy (meaning you can’t make up the hours you miss) I had the decision of lose the job now or limp through to June and lose the job then. I was forced to come home then. I remember thinking as I was turning in my badge, weapon and vest of the disappointment and how my career could be over just sixteen days into it. Not to mention, I found out I wasn’t graduating from college either; turns out that I was 40 credit hours short, I only had finacial aide to cover maybe 25 of it. Crazy right? I had a conversation with God the night prior and I said, “I know this is the right career for me, but if I’m not suppose to be here right now let me know.” Ten hours later I was in Medbay. FYI, be careful and ready for when God speaks and replies.

Fast forwarding a lot over the months, God has made ways that I didn’t know where possible and remarkable. Starting with the way that my injury occurred and the two months of swelling. The doctors, my family and even I are surprised I’m not like Derek Rose and didn’t completely tear any cartlige, MCL, ACL or ligaments. Praise God for MRI’s. That financial aid issue, I ended up getting a scholarship to cover it. And my old job called and asked me to come back out of the blue. Yeah I struggled with no money, not knowing how I was going to pay the bills; but I kept on singing, praying and trusting. I have a better bond with God, and I feel more at peace. Depression started but He brought me out. I can’t take credit and I’m just a shiny example of what God will do.