“…The Bad & The Good!”
I started to write this and I thought to myself – “Dag Kiesh! This is a lot!!!” Like, I thought I could put all of this in one entry but from the moment I started writing “The Breakup”, my heart has been in this and yall, my heart flows!!!!!!!!!! Ain’t no half stepping or tip toeing anymore. I promised myself I’d pour everything in me into this and I pray each time before writing that God blesses me to tell my story, my way. Without fear of judgement, criticism, hatred, mockery, etc. It’s going to come so I might as well help someone in the process! So, please bear with me, my Broken Beauties! Yes, I am naming you guys! We are BROKEN BEAUTIES!
Alright – so we discovered “The Ugly!” part of this story and I can’t stop, won’t stop now – in my Diddy voice! HA! “…..The Bad” for me is something we’ve all heard about, seen people deal with and maybe at one time dealt with ourselves but we getting into it anyway!
LOW SELF ESTEEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When I looked in the mirror, I always found something that if changed would make me so much better and attractive to the opposite sex but the biggest thing I wanted to change about myself was my size! I know some people are so cut and dry to say “just work out and lose the weight!” which I did! I lost 60 lbs. and I might as well had still had that weight on me because it wasn’t good enough for me! I would look at pictures of myself when I was 16 or 18 – flat stomach, hips, butt, small boobs and toned arms – guess what though – I THOUGHT I WAS FAT THEN! When you have low self-esteem, you’re never satisfied with yourself. Well, at least I wasn’t; I don’t know who else feels me on this! But you lose weight; change your hair color; dress different – trying to achieve a look that we’ve seen on someone else that was appealing to us or others. Yet it never looks quite as good on us as it did on them so we’re back at square one! After much prayer, reading and Self-Honesty, I realized that it never looked quite as good because IT. WASN’T. FOR. ME! See people are so busy trying to be, look like, sound and act like, someone else that they are completely forgetting who they are. Why in the world are we all made different if we are just going to spend our time, money and energy trying to be like everyone else? Doesn’t that sound dumb!? You think God is in the business of wasting time? He just took the time to individualize every crease and crevice of each of us. How we sound. Our laugh. Our freckles or the lack there off, just so we could suppress our individualism and be like the person we see at work. Or at school. Or on TV? Doesn’t make sense, does it? But that’s what we do! That’s what I did. I felt if I could just be this size, my eyes slanted a little, lips a little fuller, waist a little smaller, etc. things would be great and then I at least got to the size I wanted and I was still unhappy!
So, in addition to my routine I added a book by Iyanla Vanzant called “One Day My Soul Just Opened Up: 40 Days and 40 Nights Toward Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth!” In addition to everything I was doing – this gave me a very raw look into myself. The more I began to read, the more I realized that it didn’t matter what size I was. How much money I had. If I had a man or not. If I didn’t start on Kiesha – all of that would be in vain and I’d eventually burn it all down because I was not centered within myself. First, I planned to fall in love with myself. How do you fall in love in general? You learn about the person. You spend time with the person. You learn to accept that person flaws. You look for the best in the person. So, I began to take time out for me. I could name what everyone else liked to do but what did I like to do? I think I would like to be really pampered. Something I’ve always wanted but never got so let’s start there. I got my hair done. I got my nails and toes done. I came home and ran me a hot bubble bath and I just enjoyed being quiet with myself. I began to do that regularly – just take time for myself. No phone. No TV. Just me, myself and I. I’d light incense all around my house. Jasmine is my favorite. Sometimes I’d read a book in the tub. Sometimes I’d just listen to the music. Sometimes I’d pour me some apple juice in a pretty glass and sip my apple juice in the tub. Yup! I went THAT far! And then one day, I walked past a mirror. Normally, I’d scurry past a full body mirror unless I was at an angle that I thought flattered me in the right way but on this day, I just stood there and looked. I looked at my stomach. My big legs and thighs My flabby arms. The stretch marks. The dimples. The roll in my back. I stood there, turning around and looking at all of me and I said, “This is me.” – It wasn’t a bold, overly proud statement but it was an honest statement. Then I looked closely at my face. My scarred face physically and emotionally. Scarred physically from me popping pimples when my granny told me not too. Scarred emotionally from the number of tears that had streamed down this face. There’s a freckle. Here’s another one. And another. And another. (I never had any clue they were even there!) Look at your lips. They’re so small but they aren’t skinTy. You got a little pout. It’s just enough for you. Look at your nose. How narrow it is. I like my nose. I love my lips. This is me! This is you Kiesh! Not the girls on the TV. Not your friend. Not anyone else. This is you. You’re perfectly you! You may not be perfect to others but you’re perfectly Kiesha; walk in who YOU are – not who you think someone wants/expects you to be! You gotta be you! God made you! You are wonderfully made! You’re a peculiar treasure! There is no one else like you! Love you! Be you! Enjoy you!” I stood there listening to all those thoughts shooting through my mind and it was like a light switch flipped in my brain! You ain’t bad girl! You good because you’re YOU! For me to have the love I’ve always desired, I had to learn to love who I was first! At any size, with every flaw. I couldn’t give love to anyone else if I couldn’t give it to myself first!! How can I expect someone to love me if I don’t even love myself? What kind of sense does that make!? I want a daughter one day – how I can teach her to love herself if I don’t even love myself. We all gotta learn to practice what we preach!!! Learning how to love myself and falling in love with God and His word – things were actually looking up. I didn’t have a car still but this isolation was giving me elevation in the areas that were so low to the ground they were practically non-existent! I know in my heart, the things I had in my mind to do – God directed me to do those things. I needed to be stripped down and rebuilt spiritually, mentally and emotionally – the physical part of it could come later but my inward man – that needed to be renewed and refreshed and God was handling His business!
Finally, right!?! First let me start by saying this is not the part where I tell you I wake up singing “Oh Happy Day!” or that I never have days where I feel bloated and meh! Or that I never remember some of the awful things people have said and done to me or that people don’t ever get on my nerves because I’ve learned self-honesty so I’m gonna always keep a HUNNIT with ya’ll. What I will tell you is that I do not allow those things to CONTROL ME OR MY ACTIONS ANYMORE!!! Things happen and they hurt and they never go away completely, in my opinion, but I feel that when you’re in the process of being healed of that pain or healed of it completely, it doesn’t control who you are and what you do! It’s not the first thing you remember in the morning and the last thing you think of before going to sleep. It’s not the topic of all your conversations. You’re able to see the people that hurt you and not want to run them over with a Hummer – self-honesty ya’ll, remember? LOL!! But forreal – it’s there but it’s not! I had to deal with heartbreak, lose my only vehicle, face the hurt from my past and start to accept who I was and learn to love that person genuinely but first I had to learn how to love God!! God allowed all those things to happen so I could start from square one. Him. The more I learned to love God, the more I learned how to love myself and to my surprise, I started learning how to love others better as well; not just my family and friends but people I didn’t even know. God put a love for people down in my heart and an unselfish spirit in me and He is strengthening that even today! See I didn’t realize, the hurt and pain that I had cut me off from everyone – possible new relationships, myself and even God! I didn’t know really how to love without limits but I knew that I wanted that kind of love! People don’t realize that it’s hard to accept God loves you without limits when the people who are supposed to love you without limits, don’t. Hard pill to swallow my friend! But this whole journey was a breaking down of the foundation I had built of hurt, pain, hate, lies to others and myself, disappointments, fear and self-doubt and the building of a solid one filled with forgiveness, understanding, patience, forbearance, joy & love for myself, others and GOD! God was literally doing a NEW THING IN ME!!!! I was still in my Word like crazy – asking questions and trying to learn more of how to be better and do the things that were pleasing in God’s sight; my prayer life was getting better and I was learning how to express myself when new feelings came to me so I wouldn’t let those things fester…. God was moving in my life and for once, I wasn’t standing in the way trying to direct how He did it!!! I started learning how to be genuinely thankful for everything in my life – even me not having a car, although inconvenient, I wasn’t complaining! I was grateful for when I had a ride and grateful when I didn’t. I prayed. I kept thanking God. I kept being faithful. And then one Friday morning…. Almost 6 months after totaling my car, I got a call while I was at work that let me know God ain’t never forgot about little ole Kiesh! I walked out of my job and was handed the keys to my new car! It wasn’t new in year but it was new to me, nice, clean and MINE!!!! I was in utter shock! I couldn’t even believe it. I never thought I would be getting blessed like this but here I was! I was speechless! Someone else might look at me driving Big Red (yes that’s her name) and think – that car is too big, that’s a man’s car but I cherish her! She’s mine and she was God’s gift to me!
It’s crazy that I can sit here and say that I will be 32 years old July 26th if the Lord blesses me to see it and the last year and a half of my life is the first time in EVER that I’ve experienced TRUE happiness! I look at the smile on my face in my pictures now and I see it’s genuine, from the inside, out! I could sit here and feel down because I spent literally all of my life allowing others and negativity to take away any goodness that came my way but God showed me – I allowed those things to happen to you so you could help someone find their way NOW! I could’ve taken my life. I could’ve kept searching for love in all the wrong places. I could have let men use me physically and financially just to have something BUT GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He had a plan all along and He has a plan for you too! He is not limited to one group of people. He loves you just like He loves me and He can help you just like He helped me but you gotta be ready to also help yourself! You won’t find help in another person, a pill bottle, a drink, etc.! You have to literally isolate yourself to find the problem and allow God to heal you of that problem. Is it an easy journey? NO! It is exhausting. It’s disturbing. It’s sad. But man, when the joy comes – it will all be worth it! I encourage all of you guys – if you’re dealing with self-esteem, pain from your past, weight issues, breakups, etc. BE HONEST ABOUT IT! SELF-HONESTY IS LIFE!!! If you have people in your life that laugh at you and judge you – they aren’t good for you. Get off social media. Spend some time with yourself. Find out where it stems from and KILL IT!!!! You cannot be healed from anything you won’t deal with! If you really care about yourself and your future – do the work now!!! Your lasting happiness is well worth being Broken, Beautifully!
Thank you guys for taking this FREEING journey with me!
There is more to come!
With Broken, Beautifulness,