STRESSINS on LESSONS on BLESSINS (PART 3)

Time was getting closer and closer for us to welcome our baby girl! I was tired all of the time because I had reached the point of not being comfortable unless I was on the couch; it was extremely difficult to sleep at night – not to mention, I was using the bathroom every hour it seemed!🤦🏽‍♀️ Some relief came though because I had finally accepted the circumstances of everything (potential preeclampsia, gestational diabetes) and I made sure I was following the instructions of my doctors. I realized it wasn’t just up to God to do His job but for me to do mine as well! What was the point of me praying if I wasn’t going to change anything on my end! I had work to do too! Side note: How many of us have prayed about something and then sat back and did NO👏🏽THING👏🏽 but go back to, continue in, etc. in the same mess we just asked God to help us get out of!?🤦🏽‍♀️ Makes no sense! 🗣I’M TRYNA HELP SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE‼️

Anywho, in the midst of keeping my physical health in check – I was also working on keeping my spiritual health in check! I was sick of my faith being so up and down. I needed to get to the root of why sometimes my fear was bigger than my faith! Why was it so easy when the circumstances had an option to be unfavorable, my faith-o-meter went to “zero?” My husband and I did a Bible plan on YouVersion called “Winning The War Of Your Mind!” One of the best points was this: we cannot focus on behavior modification because it’ll only be temporary but we have to get to the root of the behavior! I realized I was focusing on showing what having faith in my situations looked like but I had never truly had faith in God working my situations out for me! I’d pray but there was a nagging voice in my head saying “He isn’t going to do it for you…. Because it’s you.” Am I the only one that heard that voice? That joint loud ain’t it?!😩 Oooooo it got real uncomfortable for me because I love God and I’m out here telling anyone who will listen and even some people who don’t, about what a wonder God is but then I’m not even believing Him to be a wonder in MY life!🤦🏽‍♀️ Somebody make it make sense!!! Okay, okay. (let me focus.) Now, God didn’t stop there. Once He let me truly see about my lack of faith, then we went to the next step and this put my entire life into perspective because it explained why it was so difficult to have faith when it comes to my own life….. y’all ready for this? It boiled down to one word: Rejection. When He revealed that to me, it literally blew my mind and brought tears to my eyes. That explained why it was so difficult to trust God with everything in my life: fear that I would always be rejected by God – no matter what I did – because of all of the rejection I had received from people – no matter what I did. Actually writing that statement, breaks my heart. The crazy part is this: I know in my heart that God won’t do me like people but my mind always said otherwise! At the time, I didn’t realize why my mind was the loudest voice – I know now but I’ll get into that in another post because it’s too good and it needs its own section!🤣

Anywho, the last trimester of my pregnancy was honestly amazing besides the extreme tiredness & being so limited in doing things. For the most part, I was feeling good and just ready to see my baby girl!! My blood pressure was perfect my entire pregnancy but all of a sudden, it started being really high! It wasn’t yet “dangerous/preeclampsia” high but high enough that my OB upped my dosage from one pill a day to now twice a day!!! I got a little nervous but just tried to keep trusting that everything was okay. My OB decided that at 38 weeks, if I didn’t go to into labor before then, he would induce me. I felt like we weren’t going to make it to 38 weeks! Our daughters head was in the birthing position. I was huge. She was coming soon. She HAD to come soon.😩🤣 So one day I’m home and I started feeling kind of weird. I thought maybe I was just imagining things but the feeling wouldn’t go away. I took my blood sugar and it was normal. Then I took my blood pressure and it was kinda high so I went and laid down to see if I started feeling better and I didn’t. I checked my blood pressure again and it was higher. I called my OBs office and was told to go to Labor & Delivery ASAP to get checked out. Omgosh. I let my job know I was logging out. I knew I wasn’t coming back home pregnant. I just felt it. It was too close to me being 38 weeks. This. Was. Happening. I called my husband. Thank God he only worked like 10 minutes away even though he got to me in what seemed like 2 minutes.🤣 I had already had my hospital bag packed so I grabbed it. I then just walked around my house imagining our daughter in every room I walked in. As I walked, I talked to God; just asking Him to settle my nerves because my BP being high could mean I was preeclamptic and I did not want to have a C-section! Chris got to me. We got all packed up in the car and headed to the hospital. By then, I was surprisingly a lot calmer than I expected I would be. I think it was a combination of ready to see my baby, sick of being pregnant and a little more trust in God that it would be OK. We got to the hospital and my BP was not coming down so of course they had to admit me. We let our immediate family know – ready or not – it’s happening sooner than expected! They got me to a room. Hooked me up to an IV. Here we go.

I went into the hospital on 07/23/2021 about 12:30 in the afternoon and on 07/24/2021 at 1:50 PM, Kristian Rae’Lynn Simon – two days before Mommy’s birthday – made her way into the world! Natural labor was one of the hardest, most painful experiences I’ve ever had but it was also the most beautiful, fulfilling and rewarding experience of my life! My husband didn’t leave my side; he, along with my mommy and mother in love helped me through the process! Still to this day it amazes me that I actually pushed this perfect little human out but I couldn’t have done it without them and God! God gave me the perfect combination of people to be my support team and man, I’m so very thankful!!!

I learned so much during my journey of pregnancy! There are things that I initially wished I could’ve done differently but ultimately, it happened, I can’t change it and I just want to make sure I’m striving to do better, so the next pregnancy, if we decide to try again, won’t have those obstacles! Since giving birth, I’ve dropped all of my pregnancy weight and I’ve loss 20 lbs of my pre pregnancy weight! My goal is to get off the blood pressure medication and to ultimately be mindful of what I’m putting into my body! Especially since I’m nursing our child! So even when I want to give up or not care, I remember – God has blessed me with what I’ve always wanted and it’s a dishonor to God to not take care of myself in order to be the best Mommy I can be! I can pray all day for healing from high blood pressure but what am I doing that shows I want healing also? Like I told y’all – why pray if you’re not going to do your part?! There’s work to be done! Go do it!!

I want to end this by speaking to the women who are dying to be a Mother and you feel like it can’t or won’t happen for you – rather the doctors tell you “No” or you haven’t been found by the man God has for you: DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF AND YOUR DREAM BUT INSTEAD GIVE IT TO GOD!!! I spent years worrying and wondering if I’d ever be a Mommy and trying to do it my own way and it put a lot of extra stress and problems in me that I could have avoided!!! When I gave it to God and surrendered to Him doing things His way – even though sometimes I didn’t always trust like I should – it worked out better than I could have ever imagined! So just think about how things can turn out if you really add some faith to it! Your wait will be a lot better!!! But whatever you do – DON’T STOP BELIEVING THAT IT WILL HAPPEN! I look at my daughter and I am still amazed that after all of the years I dreamed of being a Mommy and the doctor telling me “No” and every time the pregnancy test came back “negative” – GOD WAS JUST WAITING FOR HIS PERFECT TIME!!! And I can honestly say – His way is absolutely the best, most perfect way! I’m glad all of my “No’s” led to His perfect “Yes!” And if He did it for me – He can and will do it for you! Don’t be like I WAS though – TRUST HIM through the process!

With Beautiful Brokenness,

Kiesh💕

Stressins on Lessons on Blessins: Part TWO!

Heyyyyyyyyyyyy!! So no games to play – let’s pick up where we left off!

No genetics testing being done on our unborn child! That was the decision. That’s what we decided. Time to move forward, right? Wrong. That nagging feeling of the unknown is brutal. It’s so daunting. It’s so scary. And your mind never really stays on the possibility of everything working out just fine – nope! Well at least not with me. My mind goes for the worse possible scenario! And now that frame of mind was regarding my baby! My dream. God👏🏽Help👏🏽Me.👏🏽

Looking back – I tried my best to hold it together! I took my prenatal vitamins. I prayed. I talked to my husband about every emotion I felt. I ate good food. I cried when I felt it. I wrote in my pregnancy journal. I read my devos. I read mommy to be blogs. But my mind was always in one place: “what if?” And then on top of all this, I felt the pressure of making sure my “wifely duties” were in order and that I was “on track” in my relationship with God! If you haven’t gotten the gist of it by now – I have had a battle with trying to be perfect in every aspect of my life and that battle within myself causes me to weigh myself down with unrealistic expectations. Everyday my husband made sure I was well taken care of and made sure to let me know there was nothing for me to do except carry our baby and just be but just being wasn’t something that I was used to. Anyone so used to taking care of everything by yourself that being taken care of is so weird it makes you uncomfortable? 🙋🏽‍♀️ My husband literally had to put his foot down and let me know “SIT👏🏽YO👏🏽BUTT👏🏽DOWN‼️👏🏽” And then when it came to my relationship with God: I was so sick and exhausted most of the time. I couldn’t read and pray with the same energy that I did before and it bothered me really bad! I felt so disconnected from Him. I know that was just a trick from the enemy but I was really feeling a way that I couldn’t give more time, energy and effort in serving God! I wanted to read for hours without feeling like I was going to vomit or talk to Him without falling asleep mid sentence because I was so tired. I felt like I was neglecting Him. I felt like He was a million miles away. Of course He would understand that in my heart, He was still my number one but Him understanding wasn’t enough for me so I was feeling super heavy in my heart and nothing I did would shake it!

As the pregnancy continued, my vitals seemed to be holding up really well and I wasn’t gaining weight uncontrollably, thankfully! I had stopped worrying so much about if my baby, who we had now discovered was a GIRL, had a disability or not since nothing had been seen on the ultrasounds! There was slight worry but for the most part since nothing was SEEN (🤦🏽‍♀️), I was a little more confident!! Y’all saw that “SEEN,” right??? Lawd. Why was it so hard to just trust the word God had given me that our child was OK? Not because of what I saw but because of what God said?! Believe me y’all – I am working to do better at remembering in these moments that GOD HAS NOT AND CANNOT AND WILL NOT FAIL‼️ So that way I don’t have to go through all of this! Anywho, I was feeling pretty good besides the exhaustion and it had come time for me to take the test to see if I had gestational diabetes! Ugh! Every friend I had that had kids told me about this and how terrible it is because of the drink we have to drink! On top of that – you have to wait for like an hour after you drink it to have your blood drawn and in the midst of COVID, that was not OK!!

PLOT TWIST: My husband and I found out that we had COVID. I mean, really?! 🗣COME ON‼️ Covid during pregnancy was extremely difficult because they can’t really give you anything to soften the symptoms in order to keep the baby safe. I could just take basic cough syrup and suck on cough drops which were no match for what was happening because I had the worse cough and my body was sore from all of the coughing! I had to eat and keep hydrated as much as possible. Which was extremely hard because I’m a person that when I’m sick, I don’t want to do anything. Just give me medicine and let me sleep but it wasn’t just about me but our baby girl. Plus my husband was sick too and his symptoms were way worse than mine so I had to push through even more to help take care of him. All I kept thinking about was my husband and my daughter. No matter what, they had to be alright.😭🙏🏽

After the longest two weeks 🗣OF MY LIFE: we were feeling better & out of quarantine! THANKS TO GOD WHO BROUGHT US THROUGH‼️ We never wanted for anything and even though we were off work, God made ways to keep us afloat! Now it was finally time to take the test to see about the diabetes. The whole time I was thinking – I cannot have gestational diabetes. There is just no way it’s going to happen. I was already feeling like I was dealing with so much and I was feeling as though I was failing my child and stressing my husband out because whatever is going on with me, affects our baby and who wants to keep having conversations about what can be possibly be wrong? Of course my husband NEVER made me feel this way. He was THE most supportive, loving person someone could have in their life but that nagging feeling of having everything perfect kept my mind in that thought process. (SMH FOREVUHHHHHH!!!) Anywho, I got my results back and my blood sugars came back really high so that meant I had to confirm if I had gestational diabetes or not, I had to take the 3 hour test – drink more of the nasty crap and sit in the office for 3 hours while they took my blood every hour. Thankfully, I had awesome nurses and they had me a nice room with a recliner so I was able to nap and read while I waited so it made the process a lot better; however, at the end of the day, I was still diagnosed with gestational diabetes and it got REAL!!! Our baby girl was about 2 weeks ahead of her growth schedule because of my diagnosis and if my blood sugars were not kept under control, it could make things a lot harder for me and the baby during the pregnancy and could result in a C-section versus a vaginal delivery and could even result in our daughter being born having problems with her body processing insulin as well. When the nurse and doctors explained everything to me – although some of their deliveries weren’t the best, I had never felt more like a mamma bear than in those moments. All I kept thinking is, my daughter really needs me to get myself together so she can have the best chance at life available. I could not allow my health to harm her in anyway. I had to change my diet. Drastically.

I WAS HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!! I was on a low carb diet, checking my blood sugars and taking insulin 4 times a day. This was different. This was exhausting. This was a lot. Every time I wanted to give up or not do something, I thought about my baby! I was now going to two different doctors once a week: my OB on Tuesday’s for NSTs and the Maternity office at the hospital for an NST & ultrasound. At 28 weeks. I still felt like I had a long way to go and having all this new stuff was going to make it feel even longer but I just cared about doing whatever I had to do to ensure my daughter and I came through the rest of this pregnancy as safely as possible. So I stuck to my diet and checked my blood sugars and went to the appointments with no complaining and things started to get better. I started losing weight and my baby’s growth rate slowed down to where she was on track for her age in the womb.

Another thing happened: I began to really realize how much I allowed the circumstances to mess with me during my pregnancy and how there was a lot of work that needed to be done within me spiritually. I know God but I started wondering, why is it so easy for me to forget what He has done when life gets messy? It came to me in watching a local preachers sermon: My trust in God is still limited! Ugh! I hate the sound of that but I realized that is exactly where I am. It’s hard to admit it but what have I always said: SELF HONESTY IS THE BEST HONESTY‼️ I shall get free! Yes, God has brought me a long way but I still have so much work to do! Let me let y’all in on a little secret I found out: IF YOU ARE NOT DEAD, GOD IS NOT DONE‼️ Don’t let fear of not looking like you “have it together” keep you from being honest with yourself and getting free!! So yes, I realized that while God has done some amazing work in me and I trust Him more than I did, I still need to learn to trust Him no matter the circumstances!! Especially with what was right around the corner….

Until part 3!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

Stressins on Lessons on Blessins: Part ONE!

I’m currently laying across my bed, listening to “Feels like Home, Vol. 1” by Israel & New Breed while my husband plays “Call of Duty” and MY 11 DAY OLD DAUGHTER sleeps next to me!🤯 It’s been a wild few months off and although I’ve enjoyed being a mommy to be and now an actual mommy – I’m so excited to jump back in to writing and talk about everything I’ve dealt with during my pregnancy and even in this short time after giving birth.

So, first off – pregnancy brain is no joke! I wrote a piece to let you guys know that I was taking a break during my pregnancy until God instructed me to come back and y’all – I forgot to post it!🤦🏽‍♀️ I did a video on Facebook but the post for the blog is still in my drafts and I’m just like, Thank You Lord for getting me through with all of my limbs and my house still in tact because I lost my brain several times during pregnancy!🤣

Secondly, guys – I am a MOMMY!!! Every time I think about it or look at my daughter, I am blown away by God and how what He promises will always happen, no matter how long it may take. For those who don’t know – I wrote a piece a couple of years ago called “A Childless Mother!” and the struggles I faced desiring to have a baby but feeling as though it wouldn’t happen for me! The key was doing it Gods way instead of my own way, which I know is all of our struggles at times. I’m just glad that I finally allowed God to move in my life because I could not have imagined He would bless me this much!

Now that we are all caught up on where I currently am – lets talk about the journey of pregnancy – well my pregnancy because no matter how much advice you get from other mommy’s, no matter how much research you do, there may be similarities but your pregnancy is very specific to you and that goes mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. So I found out I was pregnant, December 4th 2020. My husband and I hadn’t been trying but we did make the decision in October that I’d stop taking birth control (I needed to be on it for the hormones per my doctor) and in our mind – we expected to get pregnant around February ’21 or so – if at all, in my mind! (God probably is still laughing – I know my daughter just literally chuckled in her sleep😐 …) Any who, I had been feeling sick for a few weeks – really tired and nauseous. Despite having just those two symptoms, I was convinced I had COVID and my brain didn’t even really think that I might’ve been pregnant. After a few days of complaining, my husband came home with a pregnancy test – “Take this test! If you’re not pregnant, we’re going to the ER tonight!” I was so hesitant! I had been here before. Symptoms of pregnancy but the tests always came back “negative” and then, after pretending to be relieved or looking at everything still possible due to not being pregnant, internally, I’d be sad for days, questioning if the preacher told me right when he said that God was sending me my baby or if the dreams I had of me walking in the church with my daughter with a head full of black curly hair – hearing her, smelling her – if that was just all a dream that would never turn into a reality. Ugh! I don’t want to go through this again! I sat on the edge of the bed and looked in the bathroom. I watched my husband and then started to mindlessly scroll on my phone. I went to YouTube – can’t remember what for – but the featured video on my page was of a girl who found out she was pregnant, and weeks later lost the baby. My husband walked in at that moment and I looked up at him and told him what I saw and how I didn’t want to take the test. I began crying. He grabbed me up and hugged me. “No baby. We can’t do that. We are going to take this test and it’s going to be okay. What do I always tell you? What we can control, we do – what we can’t – we pray about.” So I made my way to the bathroom.

Opening the pregnancy test box felt like an outer body experience. Everything was in slow motion. My heart was in my kneecaps and I was trying my best to not cry. After laying the test on the counter to wait for the results – I heard my husband in the room moving stuff around and mindlessly, I looked down at the test and saw “PREGNANT.” “This is definitely not right,” I thought to myself, so I picked up the test to look at it CLOSELY! The word didn’t go away. PREGNANT. PREGNANT. “BABY! BABY! IT SAYS I AM PREGNANT.” as I walked to the room! Chris turned and looked at me and said “What?!” I said, “IT SAYS I AM PREGNANT! WE’RE PREGNANT BABY!” and I just busted into tears as Chris hugged me! That hug felt like it was a lifetime and man, just thinking about that moment, it’s still surreal! Fast forward to telling all of our family and friends – I was finally feeling like I was normal! Isn’t that crazy?! Not having a baby was out of my control but not having one always made me feel like I wasn’t a real woman. Like I wasn’t fully woman until I carried and delivered my own baby. So yeah, I was feeling normal. I was excited. My husband was excited. Our families and friends were excited. We were on the journey to parenthood!

How many know that when God sends your blessing that does not mean the fight is over but it’s just beginning?! It doesn’t matter if that fight is between you and the devil or you and yourself – there is a fight! I wish I would’ve been better prepared but honestly – I was soooooo googoogaagaa over the news, I don’t know how much good that would have done for me. So I went to the doctor – I was freshly pregnant! 5 weeks. Long time before the end of the first trimester! What did Kiesha start doing instead of praying? I started worrying! All I kept thinking was – “I gotta make it through the first trimester.” “The chance of miscarrying is higher during the 1st trimester.” “This is my first pregnancy.” “How good was I at holding my pee when I was younger? I remember the older mothers in the church saying that we wouldn’t be able to hold a baby if we couldn’t hold our pee!” Ridiculousness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thinking about it now and I am just like, I wasted too much time overthinking instead of just enjoying every single step of my pregnancy but whatevs! Hopefully, this will be of help to someone else so they don’t do what I did!

Off rip, the doctors called my pregnancy “high risk!” because I suffered from high blood pressure prior to pregnancy! They told me at 20 weeks, it was likely that I’d get preeclampsia. For those who don’t know – its when your BP becomes dangerously high to the point where it can be fatal for mommy and baby and the only way to stop it is to give birth! I was at risk for that at 20 weeks and we know that’s way too soon for a baby to be delivered! Another something to add to my “worry list!” I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again, its so crazy how a person can have such strong faith for everyone but themselves! Someone calls me and tells me about something they are in need of God doing and I trust and believe it’s gonna happen but when it comes to my own life – faith be hard to come by some days! LOL! It’s something I have to work on every day but yeah, faith was definitely difficult during my pregnancy because of all the odds stacked up against me – at least that I felt were stacked up against me. So I got high blood pressure! Then they come telling me that because of my age, I need to have a test done to rule out that my baby will have any disabilities such as down syndrome. The plan was the first test would tell me if I was in the range of it happening and if so, then I’d have to have another test done to confirm it either way! My mind was racing constantly!! Okay God! This is too much already!! SMH! So I got the first test done. My husband and I had been praying. Our families were praying. Our pastor was praying. So I kept telling myself that the results would tell me our baby was OK! There was nothing for me to worry about at all! I rehearsed it constantly in my mind. So we were at the laundry mat and I got a call from a number I didn’t recognize. I answered it and it was Miami Valley Maternal Fetal Medicine. The nurse proceeds to tell me that my results came back and I was in the percentile where my baby was at a higher risk to have a disability and that I will need the second test to confirm. The increase was only 1% and it was like he told me it was 100% because as I told my husband, I fought back the tears and was already defeated. All I kept thinking was – we are praying, so why are we here? Now before yall talk about me too bad – I know God is real! I know He has all power in His hands. I know there is nothing too hard for Him. The thing is, when something you’ve desired for so long, that you didn’t think you’d ever get is now at stake, that’s when extreme doubt usually appears. I spent my whole life knowing that I was destined to be a mother but spent so much time feeling like it wasn’t going to happen for me. I was the girl that would walk pass the mirror and hold my stomach pretending a baby was in there. Before my husband, I was that girl that would pray every single month that my period would not come. I WAS SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!!! I was finally pregnant and I just kept hearing about all of the things that could go wrong! It was a LOT!

It came time for me to take the second test and it had to be sent to an out of state company so after I got my blood drawn – they told us it would be about 2 weeks before we got the results! The only good thing about taking this test was that they could tell us the sex of our baby early so I tried to focus on knowing the sex of the baby and the gender reveal!! Now fast forward to the two weeks being up. I got no call. I checked their website – results weren’t ready. I call my OB and they hadn’t heard anything either. 2 weeks of waiting was a lot so to not have the results yet was unacceptable! I called the company to get answers and after being transferred all around – I was told the results indeed were not back and they couldn’t tell me when they would be back! “It could be today – it could be a few more days! It’s just hard to tell for sure!” WHAT?!?! Do you realize I am a pregnant, worrier!! Like there is no way this is OK! I got off the phone and I was just done! I tried to get back to work and not completely lose it although it felt like an impossible task. After a few hours went by, I got a call from my OB and the nurse told me that the company faxed them paperwork back saying that the test was unable to be done because my blood sample was not sufficient and they needed me to go get my blood drawn again!! I was infuriated!!!!!!!!!!! My husband and I waited two weeks just to be told that the sample did not suffice!!!!!!! 2 weeks of worrying!! 2 weeks of wondering!! And you want me to go through that again!!! I told my husband what I had just found out and after a long discussion, we decided to not go through with it again! If it turned out our child did have a disability, we couldn’t stop it and we were going to love our child regardless so we weren’t going to put ourselves through that again! I felt better about not having to go through that again but that still left that unsettling feeling of the unknown. Was my baby going to be OK? At this point…. we wouldn’t know unless something happened to show up on an ultrasound or maybe not even til birth…….

PART TWO COMING SOON!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

Perfection….? Please. Part One.

Wow! It’s been a while since God has led me to write a post and can I say, I’ve missed it!!!! However, one thing I promised myself and God when He gave me this vision – I wouldn’t do this my way but His!! I can’t give anyone anything while God is working on me! He’s the potter and I am the clay! This season that I’ve been in – it’s been so uncomfortable! It’s been trying! It’s been hard! It’s been overwhelming! It’s been exhausting! But man has it been exhilarating! It’s been eye opening! It’s been beautiful!!! God showed me some things that I have been hiding since before I was old enough to understand what hiding was! Things I didn’t know ever bothered me – came to surface! I’ve asked Him to show me myself so that He can fix me, and I’ve been completely naked before Him! Although it’s sometimes been extremely hard to come to terms with some things that I had to face – I am extremely grateful that God loves me enough to show me myself so that I can get better in Him! There are so many people every day struggling, and they don’t know why – they point fingers at everyone else! “it’s my mom!” “my ex-boyfriend” “my so-called BFF!” “The worker at the grocery store…” but sometimes you have to sit back and realize… No. It’s YOU! Sometimes the hidden things can cause behavior that you don’t even realize is connected to something buried deep within you! That’s what God showed me! Ki, it’s you! You still have some things you have not faced that need to be fixed so that you can grow and go into this next season with no baggage!!

Now for those of you that don’t know – this next season is a big one! On November 30, 2019 in front of some of my closest friends and family, the most amazing man asked me to be his wife; and after cheers, tears, and shock…. I, of course, said YES! And in NINETY-NINE DAYS, Lord bless, we will say our “I DO’s!” and begin our journey as one! So of course, reality set in! You know us girls – this is the moment we dream of our whole lives!!! And it came and it was not at all like I expected! Why you ask? Because reality set in! God had to make me realize…. After the wedding, you have a whole marriage that will have to be taken care of EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!!!! Now, I am not marrying just any kind of man! I am marrying a SAVED man. A preacher. 😐 (insert fear here!!) Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my grandmother taught me a lot about being married to a preacher (my grandfather) all of my life by the experiences she discussed with me privately and during Sunday school class! One thing I KNOW – marrying a preacher is not an easy task and I’ve heard that from MULTIPLE preachers’ wives!! It requires so much strength. Patience. Endurance. Obedience. Love. And most of all: HUMBLENESS! This meant, I had to really prepare myself to not just be a wife but be the wife that my husband will need to do the work God has called him to do! On top of that – God has called me to a ministry of uplifting and helping women, so I have to balance being a Wife. A mother (when we’re ready). Support my husband in his full-time ministry. Work on my full-time ministry. Work a full-time job. Make sure dinner is on the table every night and look good while doing it!?!?! JESUS HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did I get scared? I know I can do these things, right? Why are you worried??? Because. It’s not about making sure I do all these things – my fear was doing all of these things and not be perfect in EVERY. SINGLE. CATERGORY. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!

I don’t know if you suffer with the idea of perfection! Me. I’ve suffered with it my entire life! I felt that I had to be perfect to get friends. I had to be perfect for a man to love me. I had to be perfect for God to use me. Perfection! Ugh! It completely consumed my entire life! I have found myself posing in general, everyday life so if someone glanced at me, they’d think “wow. Look at her perfectly arched back and pointed toe. Her profile is so beautiful.” – don’t laugh! (okay, I understand if you do!) but seriously! I could never be found NOT in perfect condition! I used to wear makeup EVERY day because the idea of showing an imperfection was scary to me! Take pictures – oh I’m standing wrong, delete it because everything isn’t lined up! Staying in the mirror to fix one piece of hair that isn’t laying correctly! I can’t come to God until I have the appearance of having it all together because He won’t want me like this, right? UGH! UGH! UGH! It was exhausting!

You may wonder – what started this idea of you having to be perfect? Well – my dad was never there – it must be because I wasn’t perfect right? I was molested at a young age – why? Maybe I didn’t act like a good girl or I did something not childlike that made him feel like it was OK to do that?? Never had a lot of female friends – is it because I’m a tom boy? Or I’m not girly enough for them to like me?? Every time a problem happened in my life, I blamed myself! (I’ve explained this before but heyyyyyyy newbies!) Something was wrong with the way I talked, looked, acted, something! It was me! Now I know – that was the devil all along – he hoped that I’d spend the rest of my life in that unhealthy cycle (BUT GOD! We’ll talk about that later) Sidebar: It is so important that when they are YOUNG, speak life into your children! Talk to them! Love on them! Teach them to do the same!!! Don’t wait until the adult problems come to treat the problems that started as child! It’s much, much harder then!!! Okay, so yeah – I always pointed the finger at me even when it was clear that I wasn’t to blame! It had to do with somehow, I wasn’t perfect enough!

So, this idea of being perfection started to taint the process of planning my wedding! The first couple things we did in regards to the wedding, I ended up being in tears! Why? Because they didn’t go as I had planned them in my mind! My mind would absolutely leave no room for error! If there was the slightest hiccup, I felt it didn’t go well instead of enjoying those bits of imperfection because you know what those are called?? LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so focused on perfection I wasn’t enjoying the smiles around me of the people that loved me and that I loved the most! I was just in my head – beating myself up or holding back tears trying to pretend like I’m enjoying myself! Ugh! SO MISERABLE!!!!!!

I had a talk with my fiancé! “baby! You’re struggling with wanting everything to be perfect and it’s not going to be! Stuff is going to happen! And it’s OK!” I felt better! Then my auntie booboo had a convo with me as well! “Kiesha! You have to get over this idea of perfection; everything doesn’t have to be perfect!” Then here comes my Buddha (my uncle Jon) – “Niece! Everything is going to be OK! You gotta know that and believe that! We got you! God got you! You gotta go in that room and pray and give it all over to God! Stop worrying!” My best friend, “It’s OK! No matter what, It’s OK! We both struggle with perfection, but we have to remember, it’s OK!” OK! It’s clicking! It’s really clicking! But I am still struggling because this thought process is something, I’ve had FOREVER, so it’s a one day a time a time type of thing!

I had to start to reexamine myself! The root of my fear of not being perfect was this: if I am not perfect and if everything connected to me isn’t perfect, I’ll end up alone! But with those 4 people on top of God – a light went off over my head: I’ve NEVER been perfect and look at who is surrounding me!?!?! I had God – numero uno! And He KNOWS that I am not perfect but yet, everyday – He’s right by my side forgiving me, loving me, teaching me! I had an amazing fiancé who knows I’m not perfect but has made the commitment to spend forever with me and all he asks is for me to be me and to make sure his onions on his steak are golden brown & crispy – but not burnt! 😊 I have my amazing aunt and uncle who took me in when I lost my home and love me and help me every single day despite my flaws! My best friend who will call just to see my face and tell me how much he loves me and how pretty I am! They know I’m not perfect! I have several close girlfriends who know me know me and they still love me and check on me and are ready to be there for whatever I need – they’re here and know I’m not perfect!!! I have family, church family and friends – they love me and know I’m not perfect! KIESH! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so caught up in the lie that I couldn’t see the truth in front of me!

Stay tuned for part two!

With Broken Beautifulness –

Kiesh💕

FEELINGS! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! FEELINGS! PART 1!

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll! How long has it been?!? Seems like FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! Ya’ll I’m going to be honest – I’ve been absolutely going through it!!! Dealing with the loss of my uncle, PTSD from the tornado which caused me to lose my car AND home on top of all the daily stresses this life seems to bring….. LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I’ll get into that in detail at a later time because I got something cooking so I don’t want to give anything away! However, some of what God has been allowing me to learn and relearn these past few months is what I’m dropping in this post!!!! So let’s just jump right in, shall we?!?!?! It might be all over the place because feelings be trippin😩🤦🏽‍♀️ but stick with me – there is a point!

So…. first off….. why is life so hard, bruh? Omgosh!!!! I was telling a friend – I feel like I’ve been fighting my WHOLE life and these past few months had me soooooooooooooooooooo emotional and at times overwhelmed but man, I am so thankful for God and the people He has around me because without that combo, I feel like I would have gone crazy with stressing and just at times even BEING! Whoooo! So one day I was reading my devotional and just really trying to get my mind back to a space where I’m like, “Okay God – here! This. this. and that is for You. I cannot deal with ANY of it.” and one of the things that was on my mind at the time was the feelings of never feeling like I am enough or feeling as though I have to do more than the average person to just be normal, worthy, etc. This is something I’ve gotten better at as God has come into my life but something I battle with at times! The fear of feeling “less than” come paralyze you in ways that are surprising to even you and from the beginning I’ve always felt like something was wrong with me. Like for starters, “where is my dad? why he ain’t stick around? must be something wrong with me.” or “oh those girls don’t want to be my friend? they want to bully me and talk about me? ugh! must be me.” and even, “he cheated on me. he grabbed me by the throat. he abused me. – here we go again, it’s me – I did something to deserve this!” I have had a nasty habit of allowing others and making myself feel less than as well as accepting full blame in all situations even when I’m smart enough to see that what someone was doing to me was wrong but in my mind and heart – the root of it was because it was me! I’ve told ya’ll this before, I’m sure but if not – this where we at, OK? Okay. So, I’ve definitely realized my worth and learned that it’s NOT okay to be mistreated in any way regardless of the relational ties BUT how many know that the devil will always try to suck you back into an old frame of mind once you feel like you’ve finally overcome it???? 🙋🏽‍♀️ he may lay off that thing for a while but just when you skipping through sunshine and rainbows, he’ll sneak up on you dropping those thoughts in your mind to trap you mentally and ultimately physically, emotionally and spiritually! This is why it’s so important to have a prayer life (when things are going good AND bad), time in your Word and people you KNOW are PRAYING for you and not PREYING on you! Okkkkuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!💁🏽‍♀️

Now, the part that got my attention in this devotional was this line, “you don’t need to create the light – just simply receive the light ——- you are enough!” I sat there kind of in a daze! Like you know you’ll hear something 35 times and then on the 36th time it clicks in your mind like, “😳ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I GET IT!” Yeah, that’s how this was!!! See I hear people saying – “oh my gosh, you’re glowing!” “God is so evident in your life!” “I can’t even imagine you that way you say you used to be!” – you hear these awesome, amazing things about yourself but somehow they are drowned out at times by the negativity around you and the LIES OF THE enemy! “You’re not worthy of God’s blessings.” “He can’t use you!” “Remember what you did??” AHHHHH! So my question is, why is the negative so heavy on us and the positive remains skinTy???? Because if we’re being honest (remember SELF HONESTY IS THE BEST HONESTY👀), most of us will believe the negative about ourselves or even the lies the enemy will drop in our mind than we will the positive because it’s just easier to believe! You tell an intelligent, beautiful hardworking single woman that she will one day meet an amazing man who will love, respect and honor her as she’s always desired and I guarantee you’ll see a look of uncertainty on her face even if she says she “receives it!” Or you tell a young, black man in an underprivileged neighborhood that if he works hard and goes to school that he’ll one day have the career, family and life he wants without selling drugs, etc. – you’ll probably get a “yeah iight.” type response! This mind frame is because we’re thinking beneath us because we focus on our ability or the circumstances around us instead of our BIG GOD and the blessings He has, can and WILL provide for us! But wait…. there’s more!!! Then we try to do it ourselves and we end up disappointed because of how things turn out because we aren’t leaning on who we’re supposed to lean on….GOD! This mindset is also because we honestly lack FAITH at times!!! Faith doesn’t have to see it but will still allow you to believe that greater is coming!!! Sometimes I think we’ve gotten so spoiled and we’re just used to God throwing blessings that when He has to take His time on a blessing and we’re not ready for it – we pout and try to do it ourselves and complain and all those shenanigans instead of just staying prayerful and remembering that God is NOT slack concerning His promises! If He said… you can count on it! We just have to stay faithful and prayerful even when it gets rough and there is no light in sight!

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve put things into my own hands; planned it all out just to have it KABOOM all in my face!!!! Because I was always so used to doing things myself (when I didn’t have to because God was there then just waiting but anywhoo…), it’s sometimes easy to slip into that habit (thank God He checks me before I have a chance to make a mess of things!) but when I truly give it to Him – it may not work out how I expected it to work out but it works out perfectly! So I’ve had to keep reminding myself when the enemy tries to bring negative thoughts, etc. to my mind – my light shines bright because the SON is all around me! It’s not in me or what I do but it IS in me submitting my life, my thoughts, my WHOLE self to Jesus and allowing Him to truly work in me and through me! Don’t get me wrong – in some things, it’s easier said than done but as you do it, it truly does get easier; especially when you’re constantly in prayer, fasting and reading the Word! I am not selling anyone a dream! Listen! I’ve tried the product and it works!!! JESUS TRULY DOES WORK!!!!!! Like, people are so afraid to give Him a try and that’s what gives me my drive to get beyond myself (because sometimes I doubt myself…. ya’ll pray my strength – I am human but I am getting better) and talk about what He’s done for me because if you KNEW me then you KNOW that Jesus saves. delivers. set frees. restores. revives. refreshes. AND renews because I wasn’t a hot mess – I was THEE hot mess… BUT GOD!! But I also want to show that even though He has changed me – it ain’t easy street! I still have battles just like everyone else but the difference is God lightens my load…. when I’m smart enough to give it to Him!!…..

Okay….. so I got a LOT more to say – a little more detailed BUT I gotta break it up for yall!! See ya next time!!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

Prepared for Greater: THANK YOU!

“If it had not been for the shaking,

I never would have been ready for the making, no

If it had not been for the beating,

I would have never knew how anointed I would be.

If it had not been for the pressing,

I wouldn’t be able to walk into my destiny.”

I am sitting here listening to Jekalyn Carr’s “Greater is Coming” with tears in my eyes because as I listened to the words of this song, it made me think of what I’ve gone through in my own life and without it, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today. It also confirmed to me God’s desire for me to write this post as He put it on my heart to do so, Sunday evening.

Nobody likes to feel pain. We don’t like to be uncomfortable. Yet, sometimes those are the very things that make our lives more powerful than we could have ever imagined. At least, that’s how I feel about my life. For those who have been on this journey with me from the beginning – you’ve read of the things that I have gone through in my life. You’ve read about the insecurities. The bullying. The abuse – mentally, emotionally, sexually and physically. You’ve read how I considered suicide. You know that this has not been an easy journey in the least. This isn’t something anyone would read and say – “Ooooo I want her life!” No – this isn’t the fairy tale story you dream of as a little girl. Yet, if I could talk to young Kiesha right now – I’d look that little girl in the eyes – eyes full of hopes & dreams and the soul crushing desire to be loved and I’d tell her that this journey is going to hurt. That it’s going to test all the strength she has within her and even what she doesn’t; that she’d be betrayed beyond what she thought possible and that it’s going to hurt her and break her heart in more pieces than anyone could count – but I’d tell her that in time she will realize that it’s WORTH IT!

I think back over this past weekend – the vision that God gave me for Broken Beautifully – to reach women – old and young to help them see themselves as God sees us: Beautiful. Fearless. Worthy. Priceless. Amazing. Strong. POWERFUL. I saw the vision play out right before my eyes and I am in complete awe of God! Our FIRST annual women’s service, “The Power of A Woman When The Power of God is Within Her!” was nothing short of amazing. I saw women lay before God and surrender themselves. I saw women come together to encourage and help one another. I saw women literally carrying each other as they gave themselves and their burdens to God. I saw support. I saw power. I saw LOVE. As I watched this play out before my eyes – God let me know, “you see why you cannot give up?” This is not to say there is any power in me – I am simply a willing vessel. However, God uses the things we’ve gone through as our testimony and ultimately our ministry and with what I saw Saturday, I think to myself – what if I would’ve given up? What if I would’ve cancelled the service because it didn’t seem as though it was coming together? What if I would’ve cancelled it because there wasn’t as much support as I was hoping for? The blessings that fell from Heaven; the deliverance that took place; the Word; the fellowship – all of that would’ve not happened on that night, in that place, all because I would have allowed what was going around to hinder what I know God is doing & using within me! But before all of that – what if I had never gone through the things I went through! There wouldn’t have been the vision of Broken Beautifully! Think of Jesus! His victory came AFTER He went through hurt, pain and betrayal! All of those things pushed Him towards His destiny and ultimately gave Him ALL POWER!

During the open panel discussion – Evangelist Tiffiney Birdsong told us that we should THANK those who have hurt us in the past! WHAT A GOLDEN NUGGET! Now some people would be like, “what???” But when you think about it – when you take the hurt and pain you’ve gone through and allow God to use that for good – your life will be transformed because you realize – through trying to help someone else, God is healing me and not only that – GOD IS USING ME! (OH to be used by God! Nothing like it!)

If it had not been for the restless nights. The millions of tears cried. The heartache and heartbreak. The neglect. That hate. The bullying. The BREAKING – I wouldn’t have been put back together even better than I was before!

I wanna tell anyone who is battling with brokenness still – GIVE IT TO GOD! Let go of all the hurt and pain – it won’t be easy but it will be worth it and one day, I promise you – one day you’ll be able to genuinely do what I am about to!

I dedicate this post and I truly thank from the bottom of my heart to each person who has done/said the following:

Lied on, talked about, hated on me.
Physically abused me.
Sexually abused me.
Mentally abused me.
Emotionally abused me.
Falsely accused me.
Plotted against me.
PREYED on me.
Cheated on me.
Made me feel or called me ugly, fat or anything in the ugly/fat family.
Not had my best interest at heart.
BROKE ME.

You have made this journey interesting. You’ve made this journey rough at times but ultimately you pushed me into the arms of the most wonderful man I’ve ever known – JESUS CHRIST and His love has refreshed, revived and restored me in ways that I never thought possible! He has given my life purpose in Him and in the process, He has blessed me with amazing people that truly support, inspire and push me to keep HIM first and to be the best version of myself EVERY DAY! So y’all ROCK like an unstable cradle! I love y’all the long way and know that you meant it for my bad but God TURNED IT – turned it so much that instead of bad, I am PRAYING for your prosperity and favor and that one day God will change your life as He did mine!

Peace. Love. And Good Skin.

With Broken Beautifulness,

-Kiesh

Forever My Buddy💙

An unlikely friendship formed between us two;

But all along God knew what you had to go through.

He knew you’d need a friend, although we had a distant start;

He knew I had so much love to give within my heart.

I’ll miss you playing with the kiddies; believe me, they’ll miss you too;

I’ll miss you saying “What do you want LaKiesha?”; nobody can say it like you.

I’ll miss our conversations and mostly I’ll miss your loud laugh;

I’ll miss you singing to Paul Morton; but I promise, I won’t stay sad.

I know you’re not hurting anymore – that’s what helps me be okay;

It was time for your forever, so on this earth you could not stay.

But God has been working, even when we couldn’t see;

He just had to get you ready for your greatest journey.

6 months, 4 days; you fought for so long;

Don’t worry about MaMa – even in her weakness, God remains strong.

Our last talk, you told that I’ll always be your buddy;

You’ll forever be mine, Gregory Lynn; forever it will be.💙

I’m sorry!… wait… but why?

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy guys!!!!!! So this piece! Omgosh! Part of some of what I had been going through months prior!! This piece is covering something I’m sure a lot of us have gone through!! So…. here goes!

So I’ve told you guys I was a person that dealt with insecurity heavily in the past! I used to never feel good enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Thin enough, etc. I just didn’t like anything about how I looked on the outside or felt on the inside! However, through giving my life to God – learning who I am in His eyes, my confidence grew as well as me growing spiritually in Him! I get told so much how much I’ve grown. Girls and women telling me that I’ve encouraged them. Gods presence in my life was and is evident and I’ve told you guys before – last year I gave my ALL to Him! I stayed in my word and stayed on my knees praying to My Father! The Bible tells us that if we draw nigh to God, He will draw nigh to us & if I didn’t see it in anyone else’s life, I see it in mine! Now through all God had started doing in my life… showing me how to love myself; Broken, Beautifully; being filled with the Holy Ghost – I could sense a heavy presence of “feeling some kind of way!” There were people I came across that I discerned weren’t as happy on the inside as they portrayed to be on the outside of my growth in life! At first, it was like, “okay, maybe I’m trippin!” But the more I fought it – the more God showed me of the wolves in sheep clothing! Now my crazy self – instead of pushing through and not letting it get to me, I started muting what God was doing in my life! I started apologizing for God’s favor and the goodness that came outta my hard work! Isn’t that just the dumbest thing? But I guarantee I’m not the only one who has done it!

My uncle put it this way one night in Bible study! He said imagine two people entering a race. One trains at least 6 days a week and is eating right; while the other barely makes it to the gym 3 days a week & eats whatever they want! Race day comes and the one who trains hard. The one who started off the race a bit slower – picks up pace in the middle of the race & eventually wins! Then because the one that lost is “feeling some kind of way” – the winner goes and apologizes for winning! DUMB. DUMB. DUMB. Now this is in no way saying to boast in any favor or goodness in our life but it’s saying to stop being ashamed of Gods favor and apologizing for what He does in your life ESPECIALLY if you’ve put in the work to get to that point!

One thing I was so bad of doing and learning to get out of is to stop making people’s problems of me just living my life my own problem! They don’t like my personality? Personal problem. They don’t like my love for God? Personal problem. They don’t like my self confidence/Godfidence? Personal problem! I don’t walk around trying to make others feel bad about themselves but I try to compliment and encourage others when and where I can! Some accept it. Some look at me like I’m crazy but again that’s THEIR. PERSONAL. PROBLEM! We have to stop seeking acceptance from people and know that the only people that need to accept us is God and ourselves; if those two are good then the rest will follow and anyone that is meant to be in your life and is meant for your good – will be there!! I have struggled with wanting to be accepted by everyone so much in my life and a lot of choices I made went south because of that issue! When I reflect back on that and realize that the very ones I was trying to get to accept me are now nowhere in sight it confirms that acceptance from the wrong people is temporary! The people I have in my life right now – the ones I tell everything to and they know things about me that I’ve never shared with anyone – even those things I wish I could forget – omgosh they are like a dream! They accept my quirky, weird, extra, over the top, overly emotional, goofy self and it amazes me sometime how much they love me and push me to be the best I can be! That’s how it SHOULD be – it doesn’t matter where I am in my life – they support it and they push me to do better and I never have to apologize for it and I do the same for them!

If you find when you are growing and doing better in anyway and those around you start to feel some kind of way or act some kind of way or you get that feeling that you need to dim your light – you have some undercover haters in your midst! Now realizing this is the first step to A. making sure you don’t start feeling some kind of way towards them because of their attitude towards you and B. not allowing their problem to weigh you down and become your problem! So, what I started doing was this – I was honest about who those people were with God & myself; despite how close to me I thought they were and despite how upset it made me to realize they were actually being fake towards me the whole time. Once I was honest about it – I started really praying about it! I didn’t pray against them but I prayed against myself – for me to not let it bother me when I could tell they weren’t being genuine and also for God to give me a blind eye and a deaf ear to any further display of undercover haterism and also asked Him to help me to not apologize for what He was doing in my life and to help me to stop dimming my light because it made others uncomfortable!

Now, if you are like me – I spent a lot of years in a shell; not comfortable with myself; thinking I was less than nothing; thinking God could never use me and in the past two years, every thing I’ve thought, the last 30 years has been proven to be an absolute lie! So there are some who would have loved for me to stay in that shell – just like you – stay in your shell because then you’ll stay the same and won’t have any chance of being better! I’ve realized when you’re down, those not good for you type people, are your best friends! They stay in your face. Inviting you places. They’ll always be “there for you!” Checking in on you. However, as soon as you start to overcome and do better – you only hear from them every now & again when they wanna see if you’ve fallen although they disguise it as “how have things been with you?” hahahahahaha! I’m sorry – I just cracked my own self up!

Seriously though!!! Being happy about what God has done for you when you thought you were nothing; of overcoming past hardships when people told you that you’d never amount to anything; of being confident in your skin despite your size – STOP APOLOGIZING BECAUSE IT MAKES OTHERS UNCOMFORTABLE!!! You don’t have to boast to be excited!!! You don’t have to pretend either – be you for you!!

I am a happy, single, plus sized, God-loving, makeup wearing, goofy, fashion obsessed woman that loves to laugh, make others smile and feel better about themselves & who is allowing God to use me in the way He sees fit and I will no longer apologize! Make your declaration today too yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Romans 5:3-5!

2 Timothy 1:8,9

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕💕

Spiritual Dryness!

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy guys!!! Omgosh, it’s been a little bit!!! When I was led to write this piece, I was so excited because I’ve missed it so much! But I’m not gonna be one to just write about meaningless things – what I share with you guys are very personal, very real experiences that I share to free myself and help someone at the same time!! So last Tuesday night, while talking to God and thinking on some things, He brought me here.

So!!! I did a couple videos a few weeks back about some things I had been going through months prior and how God was leading me to get through those things!! In the midst of going through those things, I didn’t realize that I allowed those situations to weigh on me so heavily that I was in a dry spell, spiritually. I was reading my Bible. I was in prayer. Yet, it seemed like I wasn’t connecting with God as closely as I was used too! See, I was telling God about everything on my mind and heart but I wasn’t GIVING it to Him! I wasn’t truly casting my cares upon Him!! So I was carrying burdens that I am simply not equipped to carry and that is not how God wants things to be. That’s what we do sometimes!

When you get saved, you’re under a microscope all of the time!!! Most are waiting for you to make a mistake, it seems and when you feel overwhelmed, sometimes it’s not as easy to let people know that you’re struggling a bit and even though it can be all over your face, not everyone sees it because they’re so busy waiting for you to fall! So even though I knew something was off, I knew I had to keep reading my Bible and praying!

So here I am, continuing in my routine and that’s how it was feeling too – like a routine! It felt so dry and disconnected! Like I know God was there – the dryness wasn’t on His part! I knew it was all me but I didn’t know what was causing it! I was so focused on the problems, knowing only God could solve them but still focused on the things that I had just told God about instead of focusing on Him!! That right there gets us every time!!! I always think of Peter! He was walking on the water to Jesus just fine until he started focusing on the storm around him! Keeping our eyes on Jesus is what takes us through the storm!

So since I wasn’t getting what was weighing me down, God started waking me up at like 3/4 in the morning, every morning!! I’d fight to go back to sleep! I was so tired all the time during those months! No matter how much I slept, I was exhausted! So I’m like, I gotta be up in 2/2 1/2 hours! He just kept waking me up! Kept waking me up! One night I woke up and just laid there! Then I said, “You must want me up, huh?” 🤦🏽‍♀️😂 And He did! My exhaustion wasn’t physical. It was mental. Even during the day, I was praying & reading but I was still focusing on other things during that time. Even dreaming about them so I never rested mentally! So when God started waking me up, I started reading my Bible and praying but at that hour, I wasn’t worrying about the daily issues at all! Only thing on my mind was sleep initially but then He helped me realize, “OK. God has me up for a reason!”

During that time, He let me see that I was in a dry spell! I was reading. I was praying but it wasn’t changing my mindset because I allowed my problems to block any effect they would have if I were open! Going through the motions is bodily exercise and the Bible tells us that it profiteth nothing! It’s good for nothing whatsoever! I had to literally practice the behavior of giving these things to God that I had never dealt with before!

One thing I’ve learned is a lot of people don’t tell you that a lot of the behaviors we need to change once saved, are behaviors that MUST be practiced! You don’t get patience overnight. It’s a learned behavior! You can’t just say you’re trying and then every time you get an opportunity to have patience you ignore it and do what you always have done! You can’t change that way! These were all new/recently resurfaced issues I was facing and I couldn’t just rely on what I had been doing on my normal, everyday walk! I had to go back to the manual (God) and seek instructions! We cannot lean on our own understanding to get through! We are not equipped and we are not reliable enough to overcome some battles we face! God has to sometimes remind us and take us back to when He first brought us out! We sometimes get way too comfortable! I know that was my issue! My dry spell came about because I was taking on things on my own! Thinking I could just keep on keeping on instead of going back to Jesus as a child, leaning on Him for help to get through!

Now some may look and judge and act as if there has never or will never be a time when a dry spell is present in their life and to those people who think that way, I sincerely pray it doesn’t! Looking back on it, it wasn’t fun! But I’m an honest person and I’m honest enough to say that sometimes God feels a million miles away from me and sometimes I feel a million miles away from God. I love Him. He loves me. But sometimes living saved is hard. Not to say I don’t want to be saved but I’m saying, it’s not all, “Hallelujah anyhow!” because of things like this! When you think you’re dotting every “i” & crossing every “t” to realize you’re on a hamster wheel, that can be very discouraging but it’s those very weaknesses that God needs us to bring to Him. He doesn’t look for us to be perfect but honest in the fact that we need Him every minute of every hour. Some folks act as though they’re on the right side of Jesus’ throne they’re so holy but I’ve found that kinda thinking gets me nowhere. I mess up. I fall asleep sometimes before praying. People get on my nerves at times. Sometimes, I don’t feel like reading my Bible. (Although I still do because as I tell God – I need to read, You don’t need me to read!) HONESTY! Rather it’s spiritual dryness or overcoming an addiction – we have to be honest in our mess to overcome our mess!!!

Now, I’m a firm believer that anything God allows us to go through and get through, He wants us to GROW through! So I’m a lot more conscious about leaving my crap at the throne! Sometimes it’s hard! Someone talks about it. Or you see it. It’s like, ugh! But whatever it may be the important thing is to try to do better!!

Lastly, anyone that is going through what they feel is spiritual dryness, don’t feel ashamed!!!!!! More have been there than you think! Talk to someone you trust if you feel you cannot get out of it on your own! Have them pray for you and with you! Be honest about what you’re going through! And please, don’t give up! It may seem like God isn’t there but He is right there and is simply waiting on you!!!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕💕

Breathe & Stop…!

Heyyyyyyyyy y’all!!!!! Omgosh! What a crazy couple of weeks it’s been!!!! Where I’ve been is the root of this piece but at the time I had no idea it would be!!!

See there has been soooooo much going on in my life and I’ve always been the type to pile on and pile on and just keep going until I run out of energy and finally some kind of explosion of emotion would take place after a while to release all the frustration, exhaustion, irritation, etc. which was one vicious, unhealthy cycle. Now that I am aware of those unhealthy habits – I try my best to avoid them! So this time around – when I realized how heavy everything had been weighing on me, I decided to go on vacation! Now I didn’t go out of town – I was still here in happy Ohio 🙄 but I cut myself off from pretty much everyone and limited myself to pretty much just work and straight home. The cares of this life can completely kill ones spirit and I felt like I was dying! I was reading my word – I was praying – I was going to church but my heart still felt so heavy! So God led me to take some time away and just have some down time for myself and spend some quality, unrushed time with Him!

At first, it felt so odd! I mean running here and there – trying to be there for everyone is my day to day routine and to not do that was just so weird but it was something that was necessary for me if I was going to get out of the spiritual and mental rut I was in. We take so much on everyday and we try to be strong thinking that admitting we are running out of juice means we aren’t as strong spiritually, mentally and physically as we seem but we forget that WE. ARE. HUMAN!!! We cannot keep running and running without taking time to get ourselves charged back up in every way! Sometimes you need to be away in order to remember why you’re running so hard in the first place! See for me, after God saved me, I mean really saved me – pleasing Him became the most important thing to me so things that I may have ignored previously, I just couldn’t anymore. Now the enemy definitely tried to make me think that me feeling overwhelmed meant that I wasn’t really saved or that my relationship with God was lacking but that’s what that fool does… spread LIES!! He wants us to believe that us being human means we are damaged goods and can’t get closer to God but I’ll tell you like the old saints used to say… HE’s A LIE!!!

So at first, it was weird but I stuck with it! First thing I did was just let God know everything I was feeling! Reading my Bible and praying was good but before I could start there, I had to release everything I was feeling. I think sometimes we forget how big God is and He wants us to cast all our cares upon Him!! It’s crazy that I know that but in the everyday hustle and bustle, I forget and carry weight that I was never meant to! At first I felt shame faced because I’m just thinking, “omgosh why did you let it get to this Kiesha?” but I had to push back and just get to it! It didn’t take long for the tears to flow because I was more overwhelmed than I initially thought! I don’t have it all together. I am overwhelmed. I need help! Lord, I need your help! I need you to show me how to balance this life and not drown in it! I need you to show me how to handle being criticized, lied on and talked about and still love those that do it withholding absolutely nothing!

See the thing is this – it’s not hard living your “Yes!” to God once you have a made up mind – what’s hard it’s dealing with the persecution that comes with it and not reacting how you used to before giving your life to God! I can’t cuss somebody out! I can’t go off on them! I can’t punch them in the face! Those were my before reactions! Now, I couldn’t react that way even if I wanted to but seeing how people treat you and talk about you on a daily basis! Mean for no reason! Plus working everyday, 8 hours a day! On top of family issues. People sick. People dying. On top of just trying to get enough rest to deal with the next days batch of woes – it can weigh one down!!! I know my heart now. I know my intentions. I know what I am going through. But most people don’t care! They’re so wrapped up in their own selves that you can be crying in the same room as them and they’d never even know it because they don’t pay any attention to you because you’re not a friend, family member, etc. That’s why it’s so important to be able to know how to reach God because people will leave you stranded and not care at all!! That’s why I knew it was time to get the time in with God! So Monday through Saturday – I took time for myself – I was in the bed around 8 pm every night; I limited my contact with people and I went home after work. I used the time to pray, fast and read my Bible – just reconnect with God!!

Y’all I feel like a new woman!!! No joke!!!! I know I have a bit of an advantage because I have no kids or spouse at this time but hey, if you’re even able to do a day – try it! God took a day to rest and I understand it more than ever – although I needed a whole week! The perspective I gained; the insight – totally worth the isolation! I was elevated mentally and spiritually and man, I’ll be making this apart of a regular routine because it’s exactly what I needed – rest and time to myself and time with my King!!!! No matter how strong we may be, no matter how much we can handle – it’ll be more the next day so take some time to simply, Breathe… and Stop!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕💕