Silent Cry

Large sweatshirt on, hoodie to try to cover my face.

Feeling all alone; a nothing just taking up space.

I just want to stay in my room; that’s when I feel okay.

Not afraid to think a thought or have something to say.

Go to school, the days are long; can’t wait until the bell rings.

Dreaming of another world where we’re treated as queens & kings.

Wishing I could disappear; I don’t want anyone to see.

They say mean things and then everyone laughs at me.

No one wants to play with me; no one seems to care.

Laughing at the way I dress; the texture of my hair.

I’m bigger than the other girls; I’m taller than some of the boys.

That’s why I don’t deserve to smile or experience the same kind of joy.

Soak my pillow in my tears; I don’t even want to make it through.

Only my parents love me but that’s because they’re supposed to.

This pain isn’t worth it, only thing left is to say “goodbye!”

I didn’t know how to make anyone hear my loud, silent cry.

– Kiesh

✨BROKEN BEAUTIES SPEAK!!!!!!!!✨

So many times we are ashamed to hide from our past. The things that we’ve gone through, the pain we have endured, the losses we’ve suffered. Yet, there is POWER in sharing your story – not just for others but yourself & as a safe, judgement free zone, I want you to feel comfortable in speaking your truth! So if you would like to share it with us – doesn’t have to be long if you don’t want it to be and you can be anonymous if you’d like – your identity will NOT be revealed to anyone!!!! You can speak how you overcame your battles no matter what they are or if you’re trying to figure it out! We wanna hear from, support and encourage YOU!!! Please email me @ brokenbeautifully@icloud.com! This movement is to help other women as well as continue to help ourselves! Let’s join together, speak out & take our power back!!!!! 💕💕💕

Scars to Beauty Marks!

Scars to Beauty Marks

Part Two

“The Ugly…”

When it was time to start on this portion of the story, I thought – “what in the world do I call this?” Then the famous saying, “the good, the bad and the ugly!” came to my mind – but that didn’t seem to fit for this kind of story because things got worse before they got any better! So for THIS story, we are starting with “The Ugly!”

Here I was, within two months I had lost what I thought was the love of my life and then in a major collision, totaling my only means of transportation! But as defeated as I should have been – knowing that the enemy was trying to take me out, gave me a little glimmer of something. I can’t say it was hope – it certainly did not feel like hope. When I think of hope, I think of light – something shining down on the inside saying “don’t give up!” – what I felt was almost anger! You know how you can get so mad about something that it gives you strength you never thought you had? I didn’t have a lot of it – but it was a little something there! So, now here come the tasks of learning how to live without him and a car – I can tell you living without the car was worse! LOL! If you’ve ever had your own means of transportation and then it’s gone – you know what I mean. Depending on people, especially for me, has to be the most annoying thing in the entire existence of annoying things! But I was literally like 5 minutes from my job and had people that lived close to me that could help me get to work and church – so those things, for the most part, I had no trouble getting to and home from and that was a major blessing for me. In between those times, it was me, God and 4 walls. Which is why things got worse before they got better. Sometimes when you isolate yourself especially not by choice, you just get mad and defeated in your spirit. On the outside I was kind of normal considering the circumstances; I continued my routine for the most part: reading my Bible, praying and work – church on Tuesdays and Sundays; prayer on Saturdays. Fixing up my apartment was put on hold because I didn’t have a car so getting to the store to buy decorative pillows wasn’t anywhere near on my to do list or anything I cared about. On the inside, I was back to being a hot friggin mess! Bible, pray, work – repeat – Bible, pray, work, now cry – repeat. Cry, Bible, pray, work, cry. I was crying a little more. And a little more. And a little more. I was in my apartment, by myself and it’s not like my phone was ringing like crazy. I was literally alone. There were people I could have called but he wasn’t there – this was new for me. 5 years seeing someone everyday – getting used to that can be difficult and I was still kind of in the beginning stages. Every time I walked the floors in my home, it sounded like the creaking noise in an old abandoned house. You know, the house that’s been on the market for years. The house that had been forgotten about. The house that everyone found a reason to not like. I was that house. I felt forgotten about. I felt helpless. I felt alone. I was so embarrassed about everything. I didn’t want to bother anyone with my pain. Plus, I didn’t want anyone asking me how I was doing. I was terrible! I was going through! I was hurting. It’s like the little progress I made over the past month or so, dried up a bit. I lost everything. Yup, the pity party started! Don’t judge me! Plus, I was still not sleeping – now even more so because my neck was sore from the wreck. I was drained in every way one could be. I was just tired. Then I remembered something my cousin told me months before my relationship ended – before I ever thought that us ending was a real possibility. He said, “when you’re in your house by yourself, it is the scariest thing but if you learn to get comfortable with it and learn yourself and get close to God and actually face being alone, it will end up being so good for you!” At first when he said it, the idea of “getting used” to be being by myself was scary because I wasn’t single then. Then I had a car. Then a lot of things were different. I was different. But now, this was my reality and I wasn’t happy in it. In fact, I was so unhappy. Truly, unhappy; but, I didn’t want to live this endless cycle and I realized, the only person that could change this was me.

Okay – I made up in my mind that I don’t want to live like this – what’s the next step? Honesty. Not with your friend honesty. Not with your uncle honesty. Not with your sister honest. That honesty with yourself. The things you’re afraid to think about let alone say out loud. Yeah, THAT honesty! Self-Honesty. Man, Self-Honesty is raw. It’s rugged! (in my Mike Lowrey voice!) It’s brutally and unapologetically honest. Yeah THAT honesty… so here we go! I started thinking about everything that led me to my unhappiness – not just with life but with myself and the choices I made to escape being me. We sometimes focus on situations as if that alone made things bad but there is always a beginning to the pain so you have to recognize that and start from there in order to pluck it out and dry up that nasty, ol weed!! Okay – what made Kiesha unhappy? First, I was single and carless but we won’t go there again.

Okay, so I’ve always questioned my existence. Literally, would spend hours wondering why in the world God allowed me to be born if He was gonna allow the things that happened to me, to happen to me. I never understood why someone who never could quite get it right was on this earth. I never felt pretty enough. I never felt good enough. I never felt thin enough. I never felt enough. I always felt like a burden to everyone, everywhere.

At school, I felt ugly compared to the girls with the newer, cooler outfits and shoes. Their hair was straight or in ponytails, and I am sitting here, with a jerry curl. “Bald head!” “Ugly!” Pointing. Laughing. Staring me down like I was the most disgusting thing on the planet. “Don’t sit next to her!” “Don’t talk to her!” “Black b****!” Daily insults! I used to have to fight after school literally every day because somebody always had a problem with me. I was just a girl – a tom boy at that, who liked basketball and got along with all the boys because of it. I mean, even the ugly girls, you know the ones who are ugly inside AND out, were laughing at me and calling me ugly! The girls who I thought were my friends, would turn on me and start picking on me when they’d get around more popular kids to keep themselves from being picked on also. I get it. Kids were mean back then too so if you could save yourself humiliation, what kid wouldn’t? But that was my Monday through Friday. In addition to that, Tuesdays and Fridays, I had evening church. You think insults stopped at school? No, they did not. It was the same vibes there too. I was just always the odd man out. Somebody had to be mean. Roll their eyes. Scoot away from. Laugh at. Me. It was just always easy to pick on me and truth is, I made it easy because I didn’t defend myself except when it came to these hands. When it was time to fight – I said everything through my fists that my mouth couldn’t or wouldn’t but it seemed like it was never enough to stop new people from picking on me. That eventually stopped my freshmen year of highschool but we don’t need to get into that. Anywho, I was taller than the other girls; not fat but still bigger than the other girls. Baggy clothes. Sometimes thrift store. Sometimes hand-me-down clothes. My granny did her best and I’m thankful. It might’ve not been the newest but it was always nice and clean. Yet kids don’t care about that stuff, so the insults kept coming – school, church and everywhere in between. The boys I liked, of course they didn’t like me. The girls I wanted to be my friend, of course I wasn’t good enough to be their friend. I was just LaKiesha Heard. A nobody except when needed. That was my reality. All of that pain and all the years I dealt with it by myself, not talking about it – not letting it out, not thinking about it – yeah that might have something to do with the layers of unhappiness on me. Okay. We are digging now. What else?

How about sexual, physical, mental and emotional abuse? How about those things coming from people that were supposed to be the closest to you? The ones who should be protecting you from any harm. The ones who are supposed to love you to life. The ones who were supposed to be your friend. Yeah! We’re there! “The Ugly” remember? What I wonder now is if those who abuse people realize the life-long damage they are truly causing by their few minutes of satisfaction? One who is abused, usually, we take all the blame. Well let me rephrase that because I cannot tell anyone else’s story – I took ALL the blame. It was my fault that he felt he had to take what wasn’t given to him. It was my fault that I made him mad, he had to get his anger out somehow – I caused it so of course it will be taken out on me! How could I think that you wonder? What had life taught me so far? That I was the problem. Once you enter one cycle of abuse, it seems like more kinds attract your very being. At least it felt that way to me. So of course, in the mind of someone who is still wounded, all I knew how to do was blame myself for every bad thing that happened because if I wasn’t me, it wouldn’t be happening and that was my truth and that’s how I truly felt in my heart. I was the problem.

So, in my house, I started with those things. I mean, those were MY big things. The things that shaped every move I made since they happened to me. I remembered the taunting of the kids. Tears. I remembered how I felt during the times in my life when I was abused. Tears. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Confusion. Hatred. Regret. And then, “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us!” – WOW! Wait, God is that You? Indeed, it was. With that scripture, He let me know – oh there’s gonna be some glory that comes from all that pain you went through. It was not in vain. It was just hard for you to see. Surprisingly, that Word made me feel better! So, I prayed this prayer and I’ve prayed it every single day since: “Lord, open my understanding to Your Word. Bless me to understand spiritually. Let You word fall on good, solid ground. Help me to hide it in my heart that I might not sin against You! Help me to not just read the Word but to apply it to my life! In Jesus’ name. Amen!” When I said that prayer then, I didn’t realize what God truly had in store for me! I just knew I meant it! I meant it from my heart and that’s all God wants is a sincere heart. I went back to my routine but this time, I absolutely craved the Word. I hungered for it. I needed more of it because it spoke to my hurt soulfully. It wasn’t just saying what was appropriate for the situation but it started to shake my foundation of broken pieces and began to rebuild those pieces to make a foundation that could not be moved. It started to slowly mend my heart. It was like Gods love song to me. Then, I remember one night I prayed to God – “Lord, help me to meditate on Your Word even in my sleep.” Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I got THAT hungry and thirsty for it! And God granted my request. I could hear the Word in my sleep. I could see the pages. I could feel it in my life. In my heart.

As the Word spoke to me and truly began healing me, God started sending women to church who were going through similar situations or had gone through them. He gave me strength to not be ashamed in Bible study and talk more about my hurt and these young women began to discuss their hurt and hearing them tell me about their bad relationships helped heal the loss of my bad relationship. See, when you’re in it – a bad relationship – you know it’s not good for you but there is something that tells you to stick it out and for me, I stuck it out because I thought I really was with the love of my life and I just knew if he realized I was what was best for him, he’d marry me with no problem; he’d love me like I desired to be loved and we’d live happily ever after! It’s crazy that now I realized, I was loving someone who didn’t even treat me right the majority of the time. I was so thirsty for love that I latched on to a minimum wage love. SMH! I stayed because I didn’t want to be alone. Admitting that was HUGE for me. (Self-Honesty remember!) Admitting that made me realize how I accepted things that I was telling other women they shouldn’t even accept. I knew better but fear of being alone made me accept what should have been unacceptable. It made me not see my own worth. It made me do whatever I could to make someone else happy even when I was unhappy.

Now that we got down to realizing how “The Ugly” affected me and began allowing God to work on it – now it was time to work on “….The Bad!”

With Broken Beautifulness,

  • Kiesh

Part Three – coming soon

Broken, Beautifully!

Broken, Beautifully!

God gave me this vision, right down to the name; He is tired of His daughters being hurt & ashamed.

He wants to remind us of the beauty that’s inside; that He can see every tear although we try to hide.

So He chose to use a girl that was tired of living; someone not getting anything despite how much she was giving.

He wants to bring hope where hope is dried up; and give the fight back to the ones who have given up.

He wants you to see how He can change your past & bring freedom to those hiding behind a mask.

He wants to restore the light the world has taken away; to bring life back into every word that we say.

You see, He’s right there, despite how we may feel; we don’t have to accept the fake; He can give us something real.

He’s ready for us to view ourselves just as He; to know we are deeply loved despite being Broken, Beautifully!

– Kiesh 💕

She Was

She was the one who came from nothing,

The one who had a story to be told.

She was the one who had so much love to give but no one stuck around to watch it unfold.

She was the one with hopes & dreams;

desperately desiring to be on the big screen.

She was the one that everyone called ugly;

So much pain in her that remained unseen.

She was the one with the tough facade; she built it hard so no one could get through.

She was the one with anger and tears in her voice; she thought being mean first was the best thing to do.

She was the one who just wanted to be loved; she didn’t know how to make things right.

She was the one who laughed all day with people but herself to sleep she’d cry at night.

She was the one that got tired of crying & allowing others to write her story.

She was the one who allowed God to fix what had been broken & for that He gets all the glory!

My message to whoever is reading, your life right now may not seem too fruitful; but once I heard them say, “while the past can’t be rewritten, it can still be made beautiful!”

⁃ Kiesh💕

Scars to Beauty Marks!

Part One:

“The Breakup”

I remember feeling as if I couldn’t breathe my next breath because of the amount of pain weighing on my heart, mind and soul at the EXACT same time. I couldn’t ask the famous question we all ask ourselves when pain comes, “how did I get here?” because truth is, I knew exactly how I got there and I think we all know; it’s just a matter if we admit it to ourselves or not but that’s another topic for another day. Anywho, there I was…in the apartment I shared with him for the last 5 years. Every tear on the stained carpet. Every fight on the paint peeled wall. All the laughs in the dim lighted kitchen. All the love in our dark bedroom. All of it, hitting me on every side of my almost lifeless body. I walked into my bathroom – I looked in the mirror; no energy, eyes already bloodshot from crying, 12 lbs. lighter in just 8 days because I wasn’t eating and I cried the ugliest cry I think anyone has ever cried – yes, even the famous Kim Kardashian cry! There I was, alone, looking at myself in my grey t-shirt, hair in thick braids, barefaced and crying because I thought I had lost everything I had fought for, for so long. I stood there and saw who I had allowed myself to become. It wasn’t just a relationship ending. It was the past 30 years of my life; every painful memory and word that I heard and remembered; every heart break; every time I was told I was ugly or fat or would never be anything; the things I told myself, “you’re not good enough!” “you’re nothing!” “you’re second best, IF THAT!” – all of it came into me and I was completely disgusted with myself. I had been wasting the life God had blessed me with and allowed the things people said, done to and thought about me to completely consume me and here I was, miserable. Powerless. Alone. Afraid. LOST! How am I supposed to go on? Who am I really? What is my next step? I had no idea. No clue. I could not be comforted. “You’re better without him!” “You’ll find someone better!” “You’ll be fine, just give it time!” Although the words were kind and appropriate, they weren’t what I needed. The only thing I knew down in my soul is that the only person who could help me even a little bit, was God. In that moment, I told God, “I cannot live like this! You have to take it!” I went into my bedroom and got back in the bed…. covers over my head and I went to sleep.

The next day came and I still didn’t feel okay. I was still sad. I still felt miserable. I still felt the pain. But I ate. Thank God for that. It’s not like I had money in the bank so I had to get my butt up and go to work every day – smile when necessary and cry my eyes out when at my desk, quickly wiping away tears as they fell so no one would see.  The thoughts of that night replaying continually in my mind. Thinking of all the tears and exchange of words but mostly, thinking of how I begged him to stay. Yes, I begged that man! Pleaded with him not to leave me. (Thinking of it now, makes me wanna go toe to toe with my own self. Ugh!) But yes, I was practically on my knees pleading with him to stay because I just knew that if he stayed, he’d see being with me was the best thing for him but I was so used to being forgotten about, I forgot myself. What about what was best for Kiesha? Remember her? See everyone tells you treat others as you want to be treated, not realizing that people like myself, “givers”, focus so much on giving to others the love that is so deep inside of them, that they lose themselves in the process. Isn’t that something to think about? How we can be loving someone with everything in us but forget to love ourselves? We ask them if they’ve eaten anything and we’ve only had two grapes and a stick of gum. Crazy, huh? But that’s what I did. I wanted to love someone, anyone so much and I thought me loving hard would automatically make someone love me but that’s wasn’t and is not the case. That’s why it is SO IMPORTANT, for everyone to start loving themselves FIRST! So that when pain, heartache, loneliness, etc. comes – you will still know how to take care of you! I don’t know how I allowed myself to lose that message or if it is a message that I ever had but there I was. (Okay, this sounds so sad & depressing so I’m gonna skip ahead a bit and give you a little hope though….. I found my love for myself and you WILL too! 🙂 But let’s get back to how GOD turned these very real, deep SCARS into BEAUTY MARKS!)

So here I was, fresh out of a 5-year relationship and not having a clue who I was or what I wanted except, I knew I wanted and needed to be closer to God! I packed up the apartment that had become my safe haven and war zone all at the same time and I moved to a newer apartment and was ready for a fresh start. I’ve always been a private person so I didn’t talk a lot to people but I started to open myself up a bit more to God. Reading my Bible… daily devotions and praying were like fresh air to me! It was the only time I felt safe with myself. Dying to call or text him. Wishing he’d call or text me and tell me it was all a mistake, that he’s so sorry and beg me to take him back and then we could go to City Hall and get married immediately! But that call or text never came. And I was a mess and completely vulnerable but when I read my Bible and prayed, I became so lost in the Words on the pages and the security I began to feel after prayer so I just kept going. I was always afraid to live by myself – being inside 4 walls with no one talking to you physically, seemed like the strangest and scariest thing to me but I knew this was the only option I had and I could either learn to live or just die internally. So, I decided to live! Like, I HAVE to live!!!! Come on now Kiesh! You can’t give up now! You gotta figure this thing out… somehow, some way! So, Bible study at our church was my newest safe haven – I was scared of my apartment at this time, LOL! – so Tuesday nights I felt like I hit the lottery. I couldn’t get to church fast enough! I literally felt at complete peace, walking through those doors even though I knew the lesson could possibly touch on what I was going through and that meant… emotional Kiesha was gonna make an appearance. GAHHHHHHHHHH! She can be so annoying! What I didn’t realize is that emotional Kiesha was part of the key to my freedom! Sometimes, we are taught to hold in our tears. “Be strong.” “You got this!” “Don’t let anyone see you sweat!” We don’t realize that we are suppressing our feelings! That’s not good because that teaches us that what we are feeling needs to be hid and isn’t important but our feelings matter! Let me say that again for the people in the back…. OUR FEELINGS MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR FEELINGS MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We don’t have to hold anything in. We weren’t given emotions to hide them – it’s necessary to express how you feel and sometimes you just need to cry! Walk away from your desk. Go outside. Have a good cry. GET IT OUT! Don’t leave it inside of you because it will eat away at you and then you’ll do what I did: have 30 years of emotions bottled up, losing yourself and forgetting your dreams, breakup with your “fiancé” causing you to have a complete emotional breakdown in your WACK apartment! Okay, so back to Bible study…. Emotional Kiesha came out SEVERAL times! Ugh! But as I said, that was helping me and I didn’t even know it! So, every day, I would read, pray, and then God blessed my mind to see that this new apartment was MINE! One thing I always wanted to do in my old apartment was decorate because it was my first real adult apartment. He showed me a blank canvas – it’s like He was saying, “Make it yours!” So, work, prayer, read my Bible and decorate or buy things to decorate was my agenda! My days were still hard sometimes – especially with my nieces; they were 5 going on 6 and 3 going on 4 at the time and came over all the time and they are kids – they don’t know hearing his name would hurt my soul and take my mind through a memory filled emotional rollercoaster that made me feel like I was going to throw up and pass out all at the same time. So, every weekend, here they go: “where is he?” “I miss him.” “Why isn’t he here?” “he used to swing me around!” “why is he living with his dad?” and I’m just like… you know what, I’m tired of the questions and I just told them “because he didn’t wanna marry me and I didn’t wanna be a girlfriend anymore because I love God!” WOW! I just said that to a 5 and 3-year-old! Not in a mean way but I was just…. Honest. And you know what – honesty IS the best policy! And guess what, they understood as best they could. Sure, they still missed him, he was there for all their life but they wanted TiTi to be married so she could have babies so to them it made perfect sense! When I gave my life back to the Lord we stopped being intimate, I was tired of shackin’ up! I needed to be in good standing with myself and God! I’d given him 5 years of dedication and love – this wasn’t gonna stop; if he didn’t wanna marry me now, he’d never marry me! I was honest with myself and stood my ground of what I wanted and felt I deserved.

Anywho, work, reading, prayer, decorate and repeat! Working and decorating, I was there but my mind was still all over the place but when I was reading my Bible and praying – oh, I was all there. I cried. I laughed. I paced. I asked questions. I cried some more. I became so dedicated. It was amazing to me the strength He was giving me… it still wasn’t always easy but it was getting a little better. Then – the wind got completely knocked out of me. On April 21st 2017, almost two months after my gut wrenching break up, after shortly dropping my 5-year-old niece off, I was in a major car accident and totaled my car! Never had I ever been in one – I can close my eyes now and still see and feel the car spinning around in the air yet all I could say was “Jesus!” – calmly and expectantly I called HIS name! Thanks be to My King, I walked away sore and with a really bad seatbelt burn across my chest; the other person, he was hurt a little more but thank God, he also survived. I remember laying in the hospital bed and God letting me know clearly – the enemy is trying to kill you Kiesha! He tried emotionally. Now he was trying physically. He didn’t say anything audibly, but I felt Him in my room and it’s like He just let me know in my spirit and it made me want to lock in on God even more. I remember my uncle walking in and all I could tell him is “he tried to take me out! But I’m not giving up!” and I held on to that! I knew in real life, the only thing I had in my life that would remain solid was God…. It was more than a breakup. It was more than a man. This hurt ran deep and although I took steps that pushed me into the path that I was currently in… God was right by me, making sure every broken piece of my heart that was falling along the way, was picked up and stored for remolding and reshaping so He alone could put me back together. I made mistakes. I loved the wrong man. I said “yes” when it should have been “no!” I forgot my worth or perhaps never even knew my worth. Yet, that did not stop God from setting up a plan to have me Broken, Beautifully. Do you know what that means? It means ever so gently. Carefully. Patiently. Lovingly. He slowly allowed me to lose the things that I had so much faith in so He could isolate me and show me that my trust should only remain in Him. He didn’t want to see me cry – He felt every tear that fell from chubby cheeked face but He needed me to see that I was lost and sometimes God needs to strip us of everything we think we want, so He can truly give us EVERYTHING we NEED! The breakup wasn’t my end but my beginning…. It just took me some time to realize it.

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

Part Two – coming soon.

Behind These Eyes!

Behind these eyes is a world of hurt. Lies told on me. Name dragged through the dirt.

Behind these eyes, is a vision so clear; a fight so strong, a purpose so near.

Behind these eyes are tears that would not run dry; I couldn’t speak about the pain so my only option was to cry.

Behind these eyes were dreams I couldn’t reach, a life I couldn’t touch, a lesson I couldn’t teach.

Behind these eyes is an untold story. But it’s not my doing, my God gets all the glory!

– Kiesh💕