Scars to Beauty Marks!

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Part One:

“The Breakup”

I remember feeling as if I couldn’t breathe my next breath because of the amount of pain weighing on my heart, mind and soul at the EXACT same time. I couldn’t ask the famous question we all ask ourselves when pain comes, “how did I get here?” because truth is, I knew exactly how I got there and I think we all know; it’s just a matter if we admit it to ourselves or not but that’s another topic for another day. Anywho, there I was…in the apartment I shared with him for the last 5 years. Every tear on the stained carpet. Every fight on the paint peeled wall. All the laughs in the dim lighted kitchen. All the love in our dark bedroom. All of it, hitting me on every side of my almost lifeless body. I walked into my bathroom – I looked in the mirror; no energy, eyes already bloodshot from crying, 12 lbs. lighter in just 8 days because I wasn’t eating and I cried the ugliest cry I think anyone has ever cried – yes, even the famous Kim Kardashian cry! There I was, alone, looking at myself in my grey t-shirt, hair in thick braids, barefaced and crying because I thought I had lost everything I had fought for, for so long. I stood there and saw who I had allowed myself to become. It wasn’t just a relationship ending. It was the past 30 years of my life; every painful memory and word that I heard and remembered; every heart break; every time I was told I was ugly or fat or would never be anything; the things I told myself, “you’re not good enough!” “you’re nothing!” “you’re second best, IF THAT!” – all of it came into me and I was completely disgusted with myself. I had been wasting the life God had blessed me with and allowed the things people said, done to and thought about me to completely consume me and here I was, miserable. Powerless. Alone. Afraid. LOST! How am I supposed to go on? Who am I really? What is my next step? I had no idea. No clue. I could not be comforted. “You’re better without him!” “You’ll find someone better!” “You’ll be fine, just give it time!” Although the words were kind and appropriate, they weren’t what I needed. The only thing I knew down in my soul is that the only person who could help me even a little bit, was God. In that moment, I told God, “I cannot live like this! You have to take it!” I went into my bedroom and got back in the bed…. covers over my head and I went to sleep.

The next day came and I still didn’t feel okay. I was still sad. I still felt miserable. I still felt the pain. But I ate. Thank God for that. It’s not like I had money in the bank so I had to get my butt up and go to work every day – smile when necessary and cry my eyes out when at my desk, quickly wiping away tears as they fell so no one would see.  The thoughts of that night replaying continually in my mind. Thinking of all the tears and exchange of words but mostly, thinking of how I begged him to stay. Yes, I begged that man! Pleaded with him not to leave me. (Thinking of it now, makes me wanna go toe to toe with my own self. Ugh!) But yes, I was practically on my knees pleading with him to stay because I just knew that if he stayed, he’d see being with me was the best thing for him but I was so used to being forgotten about, I forgot myself. What about what was best for Kiesha? Remember her? See everyone tells you treat others as you want to be treated, not realizing that people like myself, “givers”, focus so much on giving to others the love that is so deep inside of them, that they lose themselves in the process. Isn’t that something to think about? How we can be loving someone with everything in us but forget to love ourselves? We ask them if they’ve eaten anything and we’ve only had two grapes and a stick of gum. Crazy, huh? But that’s what I did. I wanted to love someone, anyone so much and I thought me loving hard would automatically make someone love me but that’s wasn’t and is not the case. That’s why it is SO IMPORTANT, for everyone to start loving themselves FIRST! So that when pain, heartache, loneliness, etc. comes – you will still know how to take care of you! I don’t know how I allowed myself to lose that message or if it is a message that I ever had but there I was. (Okay, this sounds so sad & depressing so I’m gonna skip ahead a bit and give you a little hope though….. I found my love for myself and you WILL too! 🙂 But let’s get back to how GOD turned these very real, deep SCARS into BEAUTY MARKS!)

So here I was, fresh out of a 5-year relationship and not having a clue who I was or what I wanted except, I knew I wanted and needed to be closer to God! I packed up the apartment that had become my safe haven and war zone all at the same time and I moved to a newer apartment and was ready for a fresh start. I’ve always been a private person so I didn’t talk a lot to people but I started to open myself up a bit more to God. Reading my Bible… daily devotions and praying were like fresh air to me! It was the only time I felt safe with myself. Dying to call or text him. Wishing he’d call or text me and tell me it was all a mistake, that he’s so sorry and beg me to take him back and then we could go to City Hall and get married immediately! But that call or text never came. And I was a mess and completely vulnerable but when I read my Bible and prayed, I became so lost in the Words on the pages and the security I began to feel after prayer so I just kept going. I was always afraid to live by myself – being inside 4 walls with no one talking to you physically, seemed like the strangest and scariest thing to me but I knew this was the only option I had and I could either learn to live or just die internally. So, I decided to live! Like, I HAVE to live!!!! Come on now Kiesh! You can’t give up now! You gotta figure this thing out… somehow, some way! So, Bible study at our church was my newest safe haven – I was scared of my apartment at this time, LOL! – so Tuesday nights I felt like I hit the lottery. I couldn’t get to church fast enough! I literally felt at complete peace, walking through those doors even though I knew the lesson could possibly touch on what I was going through and that meant… emotional Kiesha was gonna make an appearance. GAHHHHHHHHHH! She can be so annoying! What I didn’t realize is that emotional Kiesha was part of the key to my freedom! Sometimes, we are taught to hold in our tears. “Be strong.” “You got this!” “Don’t let anyone see you sweat!” We don’t realize that we are suppressing our feelings! That’s not good because that teaches us that what we are feeling needs to be hid and isn’t important but our feelings matter! Let me say that again for the people in the back…. OUR FEELINGS MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR FEELINGS MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We don’t have to hold anything in. We weren’t given emotions to hide them – it’s necessary to express how you feel and sometimes you just need to cry! Walk away from your desk. Go outside. Have a good cry. GET IT OUT! Don’t leave it inside of you because it will eat away at you and then you’ll do what I did: have 30 years of emotions bottled up, losing yourself and forgetting your dreams, breakup with your “fiancé” causing you to have a complete emotional breakdown in your WACK apartment! Okay, so back to Bible study…. Emotional Kiesha came out SEVERAL times! Ugh! But as I said, that was helping me and I didn’t even know it! So, every day, I would read, pray, and then God blessed my mind to see that this new apartment was MINE! One thing I always wanted to do in my old apartment was decorate because it was my first real adult apartment. He showed me a blank canvas – it’s like He was saying, “Make it yours!” So, work, prayer, read my Bible and decorate or buy things to decorate was my agenda! My days were still hard sometimes – especially with my nieces; they were 5 going on 6 and 3 going on 4 at the time and came over all the time and they are kids – they don’t know hearing his name would hurt my soul and take my mind through a memory filled emotional rollercoaster that made me feel like I was going to throw up and pass out all at the same time. So, every weekend, here they go: “where is he?” “I miss him.” “Why isn’t he here?” “he used to swing me around!” “why is he living with his dad?” and I’m just like… you know what, I’m tired of the questions and I just told them “because he didn’t wanna marry me and I didn’t wanna be a girlfriend anymore because I love God!” WOW! I just said that to a 5 and 3-year-old! Not in a mean way but I was just…. Honest. And you know what – honesty IS the best policy! And guess what, they understood as best they could. Sure, they still missed him, he was there for all their life but they wanted TiTi to be married so she could have babies so to them it made perfect sense! When I gave my life back to the Lord we stopped being intimate, I was tired of shackin’ up! I needed to be in good standing with myself and God! I’d given him 5 years of dedication and love – this wasn’t gonna stop; if he didn’t wanna marry me now, he’d never marry me! I was honest with myself and stood my ground of what I wanted and felt I deserved.

Anywho, work, reading, prayer, decorate and repeat! Working and decorating, I was there but my mind was still all over the place but when I was reading my Bible and praying – oh, I was all there. I cried. I laughed. I paced. I asked questions. I cried some more. I became so dedicated. It was amazing to me the strength He was giving me… it still wasn’t always easy but it was getting a little better. Then – the wind got completely knocked out of me. On April 21st 2017, almost two months after my gut wrenching break up, after shortly dropping my 5-year-old niece off, I was in a major car accident and totaled my car! Never had I ever been in one – I can close my eyes now and still see and feel the car spinning around in the air yet all I could say was “Jesus!” – calmly and expectantly I called HIS name! Thanks be to My King, I walked away sore and with a really bad seatbelt burn across my chest; the other person, he was hurt a little more but thank God, he also survived. I remember laying in the hospital bed and God letting me know clearly – the enemy is trying to kill you Kiesha! He tried emotionally. Now he was trying physically. He didn’t say anything audibly, but I felt Him in my room and it’s like He just let me know in my spirit and it made me want to lock in on God even more. I remember my uncle walking in and all I could tell him is “he tried to take me out! But I’m not giving up!” and I held on to that! I knew in real life, the only thing I had in my life that would remain solid was God…. It was more than a breakup. It was more than a man. This hurt ran deep and although I took steps that pushed me into the path that I was currently in… God was right by me, making sure every broken piece of my heart that was falling along the way, was picked up and stored for remolding and reshaping so He alone could put me back together. I made mistakes. I loved the wrong man. I said “yes” when it should have been “no!” I forgot my worth or perhaps never even knew my worth. Yet, that did not stop God from setting up a plan to have me Broken, Beautifully. Do you know what that means? It means ever so gently. Carefully. Patiently. Lovingly. He slowly allowed me to lose the things that I had so much faith in so He could isolate me and show me that my trust should only remain in Him. He didn’t want to see me cry – He felt every tear that fell from chubby cheeked face but He needed me to see that I was lost and sometimes God needs to strip us of everything we think we want, so He can truly give us EVERYTHING we NEED! The breakup wasn’t my end but my beginning…. It just took me some time to realize it.

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

Part Two – coming soon.

Perfection….? Please. Part Two.

Hey yall heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! I’m back with part two! Glory and honor to God for the outpouring of support for my comeback in part one of “Perfection…..? Please.!” I am thankful that you guys were able to identify with me because after all, none of us want to feel alone in this thing!!! So I am extremely thankful that God has allowed me to be able to share things with you all so that you know that you’re not alone – you’re not weird for feeling/thinking certain things – you’re human and we are gonna be OK! (insert strong arm emoji here!)🤣

In the last post I gave you an update on where I am currently in my life and the struggles to overcome some heavy things that I dealt with in my past! So of course, I want to go over the things I did that helped me get to the point of understanding – it’s OK if I’m not perfect. It’s OK if everything around me isn’t perfect! It’s OK if everything I am connected to isn’t perfect! It’s OK! Now let me say this – although I am in a really good mental place in accepting this logic right now – this is something that I have to be INTENTIONAL about every single day! I’ve had this complex my whole life and if you think it goes away just like that – you’re not at all sane! LOL! But seriously! It does not go away overnight – it’s a process and you have to work at it every single day! Just like weight loss – you have to be intentional about meal planning. You have to be intentional in taking time to work out. You have to be intentional! (my new fav word in being a better human, btw.🤗) Okay – here we go – what I did/am doing!!

 

STEPS TO FORGETTING PERFECTION AND CELEBRATING IMPERFECTIONS!

  1. Acknowledge Him in all your ways.
    1. Okay – so people don’t really get how powerful this scripture is! I think sometimes we feel like there are certain things that are off limits when asking God for help! We limit our access to God and eventually our complete healing of things because we feel like this isn’t big enough for God or this isn’t about anything spiritual so it’s not His department! Can I let you in on a little secret? EVERYTHING IS HIS DEPARTMENT! He specializes in everything! I have to get better about certain things as well! I have a headache – it’s too small for Him! I’m feeling just “blah” today – nothing to worry God about! NO! He’s there – ready and willing to take everything you’re carrying on Himself! (1 Peter 5:7 “Casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you.) We have to stop limiting God and just let Him be… GOD!!! So that’s what I did. I told God – “I NEED YOUR HELP IN THIS BATTLE!!!! I CANNOT DO IT ON MY OWN AND I DON’T WANT TO DO IT ON MY OWN! I NEED YOU TO KEEP REMINDING ME THAT I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. THAT YOU MADE ME AND YOU MAKE NO MISTAKES!” I continue this prayer like every day!
  2. I removed (unfollowed, stop viewing/listening) to things that made me feel like I needed to be perfect!
    1. Social media can be wonderful tool if used correctly! I can’t speak for anyone else but myself and sometimes the people I followed on Instagram or even just saw on social media made me feel like there was something wrong me! “How are they always perfect! Every hair is in place. I can’t see one pore. They always have it together!” So, I made myself take a break from all of that “perfection” and focus on what the truth was instead of reviewing a lie over and over again! How many of us upload a picture where we look absolutely nuts? How many people would post that today they felt fat in the pants they had on a week ago and felt their best self in? How many would say that before they got on live they were in tears because they felt their family didn’t love and support them? We rarely share those ugly moments to the world – celebrities included! You don’t hear about their breakups usually until months later, all the while, they’ve been posting looking happy as ever while their heart was secretly breaking! I had to process that! We’re all human! We’re all battling something and while I’m looking at them thinking they had it all together, they’re wishing they had what I have! (not me in particular – you get it, right? OK. Good.) See, we change our hair, outfits, nails, etc. for what everyone says is good/perfect instead of looking into ourselves seeing that we are already perfection because we are us…. Originally. I know that sounds cliché but it’s absolutely truth! Our perfection comes in being unapologetically who we are – imperfectly perfect! I look at myself. I could have a tighter stomach. Smaller feet. Better skin. I could – but I don’t! But when I wake up every day – I don’t look in the mirror and see something wrong with it but when I would get on social media, I’d see someone with a tighter stomach or smaller feet or better skin and then all of a sudden, I’m focusing on my imperfections! WHY?!?!?!?! Who said I have to have those things to be OK! Society. The bullies from school. Ex boyfriends. All of whom – DON’T MATTER IN MY STORY!! Not one time have I walked in to see my fiancé and he said, baby you’d be so much more beautiful if you didn’t have that blotch on the right side of your face! Not one time have I gotten dressed up and put on my heels and thought, man my foot doesn’t look good in these 9 1/2s – I better stay home! So why allow a tool that practically only shows people at their very best make me feel insecure about Kiesha? So, I took a break from social media every day and got more intimate with me! I studied myself naked! (Insert gasp here, Saints!)🤣 I stood in the mirror and just looked at me! Instead of focusing on the things that I didn’t necessarily like, I focused on the things I did! And then those things that I didn’t – which as I’ve expressed before – is basically just my stomach, I started working to change! Why complain about something I CAN change! I started eating cleaner and working out! We can’t change our height. Skin complexion. Eyes etc. so why not love what’s uniquely yours instead of envying/comparing yours to someone else! Why do we do this to ourselves! Can I tell you something?? YOU ARE SO LIT! Your eyes! Your hair! Your smile! YOU!! Go look in the mirror and find something you love about you and say it to yourself! (When you find that thing, go on your social media platform and POST IT AND CELEBRATE IT FOR YOURSELF!!! Tag “Wearebrokenbeautifully” so we can celebrate you too!!!💕💕) Focus on that! And if you find something you don’t like that you CAN change, work at changing it! If you can’t change it – ask God (step one) to help you fall in love with that very thing that HE gave to you! Don’t stop asking HIM and don’t stop celebrating you! Speak it EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.”)
  3. Find pleasure in the smallest things (Repeat: “it’s OK!”)
    1. If you’re like me, you plan things out down to the last detail and if it doesn’t go as plan, it was a lost cause!! I had such a bad habit of this! Ugh!!! I’d try to talk myself out of being upset but I put so much pressure on me or the plans that I couldn’t help but bursting into tears! So, if things seemed like they weren’t going to go according to plan, I tried to find something good in the alternative plans and told myself, “It’s OK!” – the “it’s OK” is so powerful! It’s saying that even if it’s not perfect, there’s something about it that makes it OK! You just have to change your perspective to see it!! With everything going on with the COVID19 – there is a chance that we won’t be able to celebrate our union with all of our family and friends as planned! That sucks! I want them all there for our special moment! But I had to change my perspective! Yes! That is a possibility but it’s OK because that means our elderly family and friends will be safe; we’ll likely save money due to it being scaled way down but we’ll be able to plan a big party to celebrate with everyone at a later time and I’ll be walking away with an awesome man as my husband! Believe me! It’s OK, Kiesh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perspective. Changed. Find the good in the situation instead of magnifying the bad or imperfect!!! It really makes a difference in your mood as well as those around you because you’ll be essentially bringing them down with your bad vibes on whatever is going on!!
  1. BE THANKFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    1. This is the MOST important step of all next to step one! When you take the time to be more thankful to who you are, how you look and everything going on around you – you tend to not complain/dwell on imperfections as much! I started thinking about how I looked before I learned how to take care of myself from the inside out! I thought about how I didn’t know God for myself or what it felt like to be loved by Him or what it felt like to love Him for myself! I thought about how I didn’t know how to love anyone including myself until God came into my life. I thought about how I was trapped in a bad, abusive relationship for 5 years. I thought about how I was surrounded by people who claimed to be my friends but proved to be straight FUGAZI!!!! (fake or damaged beyond repair, for those who don’t know 😊) And now that I’ve given my life over to God, He’s cleaned me up from the inside out – restored my skin and I now look younger than I did 5 years ago! I fell in love with Him and it taught me how to love myself and others the right way! He blessed me with the most amazing, loving, funny, hubby to be, that exceeds every dream I ever had of who my husband would be one day and He has given me the most amazing, loving, funny, uplifting, supportive circle of friends that I only dreamed of having! I am blessed! Why am I worried or complaining about what someone else has when I am BEYOND BLESSED! How would I feel if I woke up and suddenly all the things I listed were gone? I’d be heartbroken! I don’t like the size of my foot – what if I woke up and only had one foot? Or no feet? What if I was the size I was 5 years ago – unhappy and overeating to feel comfort? Oh NO! I redirected my focus! So, I’ve started speaking thankfulness over what I have now instead of waiting to celebrate it (at the perfect moment) and celebrating me! I am learning to celebrate every day and, in all things, because this is what God has blessed me with! I want to take care of my blessings because without them, I’d be a sad, sad woman! 😔 BE THANKFUL! Be intentionally thankful! Look at everything around you – in all its imperfection and think about how you’d feel if it was worse or gone! How would you feel? I bet not too good! So, don’t complain or wish for something else – be thankful for it and if it’s something you can change that will make things better – change it!!!! But be INTENTIONAL in all you do!! Remember, nothing is perfect except for pizza and you’re not pizza, right? Right.😜

 

I love you guys so much! Thank you for letting me be me (as if it would be any other way regardless though 😉)

 

With Broken Beautifulness,

 

Kiesh💕

Perfection….? Please. Part One.

 

Wow! It’s been a while since God has led me to write a post and can I say, I’ve missed it!!!! However, one thing I promised myself and God when He gave me this vision – I wouldn’t do this my way but His!! I can’t give anyone anything while God is working on me! He’s the potter and I am the clay! This season that I’ve been in – it’s been so uncomfortable! It’s been trying! It’s been hard! It’s been overwhelming! It’s been exhausting! But man has it been exhilarating! It’s been eye opening! It’s been beautiful!!! God showed me some things that I have been hiding since before I was old enough to understand what hiding was! Things I didn’t know ever bothered me – came to surface! I’ve asked Him to show me myself so that He can fix me, and I’ve been completely naked before Him! Although it’s sometimes been extremely hard to come to terms with some things that I had to face – I am extremely grateful that God loves me enough to show me myself so that I can get better in Him! There are so many people every day struggling, and they don’t know why – they point fingers at everyone else! “it’s my mom!” “my ex-boyfriend” “my so-called BFF!” “The worker at the grocery store…” but sometimes you have to sit back and realize… No. It’s YOU! Sometimes the hidden things can cause behavior that you don’t even realize is connected to something buried deep within you! That’s what God showed me! Ki, it’s you! You still have some things you have not faced that need to be fixed so that you can grow and go into this next season with no baggage!!

Now for those of you that don’t know – this next season is a big one! On November 30th, 2019 in front of some of my closest friends and family, the most amazing man asked me to be his wife; and after cheers, tears, and shock…. I, of course, said YES! And in NINETY-NINE DAYS, Lord bless, we will say our “I DO’s!” and begin our journey as one! So of course, reality set in! You know us girls – this is the moment we dream of our whole lives!!! And it came and it was not at all like I expected! Why you ask? Because reality set in! God had to make me realize…. After the wedding, you have a whole marriage that will have to be taken care of EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!!!! Now, I am not marrying just any kind of man! I am marrying a SAVED man. A preacher. 😐 (insert fear here!!) Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my grandmother taught me a lot about being married to a preacher (my grandfather) all of my life by the experiences she discussed with me privately and during Sunday school class! One thing I KNOW – marrying a preacher is not an easy task and I’ve heard that from MULTIPLE preachers’ wives!! It requires so much strength. Patience. Endurance. Obedience. Love. And most of all: HUMBLENESS! This meant, I had to really prepare myself to not just be a wife but be the wife that my husband will need to do the work God has called him to do! On top of that – God has called me to a ministry of uplifting and helping women, so I have to balance being a Wife. A mother (when we’re ready). Support my husband in his full-time ministry. Work on my full-time ministry. Work a full-time job. Make sure dinner is on the table every night and look good while doing it!?!?! JESUS HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did I get scared? I know I can do these things, right? Why are you worried??? Because. It’s not about making sure I do all these things – my fear was doing all of these things and not be perfect in EVERY. SINGLE. CATERGORY. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!

I don’t know if you suffer with the idea of perfection! Me. I’ve suffered with it my entire life! I felt that I had to be perfect to get friends. I had to be perfect for a man to love me. I had to be perfect for God to use me. Perfection! Ugh! It completely consumed my entire life! I have found myself posing in general, everyday life so if someone glanced at me, they’d think “wow. Look at her perfectly arched back and pointed toe. Her profile is so beautiful.” – don’t laugh! (okay, I understand if you do!) but seriously! I could never be found NOT in perfect condition! I used to wear makeup EVERY day because the idea of showing an imperfection was scary to me! Take pictures – oh I’m standing wrong, delete it because everything isn’t lined up! Staying in the mirror to fix one piece of hair that isn’t laying correctly! I can’t come to God until I have the appearance of having it all together because He won’t want me like this, right? UGH! UGH! UGH! It was exhausting!

You may wonder – what started this idea of you having to be perfect? Well – my dad was never there – it must be because I wasn’t perfect right? I was molested at a young age – why? Maybe I didn’t act like a good girl or I did something not childlike that made him feel like it was OK to do that?? Never had a lot of female friends – is it because I’m a tom boy? Or I’m not girly enough for them to like me?? Every time a problem happened in my life, I blamed myself! (I’ve explained this before but heyyyyyyy newbies!) Something was wrong with the way I talked, looked, acted, something! It was me! Now I know – that was the devil all along – he hoped that I’d spend the rest of my life in that unhealthy cycle (BUT GOD! We’ll talk about that later) Sidebar: It is so important that when they are YOUNG, speak life into your children! Talk to them! Love on them! Teach them to do the same!!! Don’t wait until the adult problems come to treat the problems that started as child! It’s much, much harder then!!! Okay, so yeah – I always pointed the finger at me even when it was clear that I wasn’t to blame! It had to do with somehow, I wasn’t perfect enough!

So, this idea of being perfection started to taint the process of planning my wedding! The first couple things we did in regards to the wedding, I ended up being in tears! Why? Because they didn’t go as I had planned them in my mind! My mind would absolutely leave no room for error! If there was the slightest hiccup, I felt it didn’t go well instead of enjoying those bits of imperfection because you know what those are called?? LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so focused on perfection I wasn’t enjoying the smiles around me of the people that loved me and that I loved the most! I was just in my head – beating myself up or holding back tears trying to pretend like I’m enjoying myself! Ugh! SO MISERABLE!!!!!!

I had a talk with my fiancé! “baby! You’re struggling with wanting everything to be perfect and it’s not going to be! Stuff is going to happen! And it’s OK!” I felt better! Then my auntie booboo had a convo with me as well! “Kiesha! You have to get over this idea of perfection; everything doesn’t have to be perfect!” Then here comes my Buddha (my uncle Jon) – “Niece! Everything is going to be OK! You gotta know that and believe that! We got you! God got you! You gotta go in that room and pray and give it all over to God! Stop worrying!” My best friend, “It’s OK! No matter what, It’s OK! We both struggle with perfection, but we have to remember, it’s OK!” OK! It’s clicking! It’s really clicking! But I am still struggling because this thought process is something, I’ve had FOREVER, so it’s a one day a time a time type of thing!

I had to start to reexamine myself! The root of my fear of not being perfect was this: if I am not perfect and if everything connected to me isn’t perfect, I’ll end up alone! But with those 4 people on top of God – a light went off over my head: I’ve NEVER been perfect and look at who is surrounding me!?!?! I had God – numbero uno! And He KNOWS that I am not perfect but yet, everyday – He’s right by my side forgiving me, loving me, teaching me! I had an amazing fiancé who knows I’m not perfect but has made the commitment to spend forever with me and all he asks is for me to be me and to make sure his onions on his steak are golden brown & crispy – but not burnt! 😊 I have my amazing aunt and uncle who took me in when I lost my home and love me and help me every single day despite my flaws! My best friend who will call just to see my face and tell me how much he loves me and how pretty I am! They know I’m not perfect! I have several close girlfriends who know me know me and they still love me and check on me and are ready to be there for whatever I need – they’re here and know I’m not perfect!!! I have family, church family and friends – they love me and know I’m not perfect! KIESH! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so caught up in the lie that I couldn’t see the truth in front of me!

 

Stay tuned for part two!

 

With Broken Beautifulness –

Kiesh💕

FEELINGS! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! FEELINGS! PART 1!

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll! How long has it been?!? Seems like FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! Ya’ll I’m going to be honest – I’ve been absolutely going through it!!! Dealing with the loss of my uncle, PTSD from the tornado which caused me to lose my car AND home on top of all the daily stresses this life seems to bring….. LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I’ll get into that in detail at a later time because I got something cooking so I don’t want to give anything away! However, some of what God has been allowing me to learn and relearn these past few months is what I’m dropping in this post!!!! So let’s just jump right in, shall we?!?!?! It might be all over the place because feelings be trippin😩🤦🏽‍♀️ but stick with me – there is a point!

So…. first off….. why is life so hard, bruh? Omgosh!!!! I was telling a friend – I feel like I’ve been fighting my WHOLE life and these past few months had me soooooooooooooooooooo emotional and at times overwhelmed but man, I am so thankful for God and the people He has around me because without that combo, I feel like I would have gone crazy with stressing and just at times even BEING! Whoooo! So one day I was reading my devotional and just really trying to get my mind back to a space where I’m like, “Okay God – here! This. this. and that is for You. I cannot deal with ANY of it.” and one of the things that was on my mind at the time was the feelings of never feeling like I am enough or feeling as though I have to do more than the average person to just be normal, worthy, etc. This is something I’ve gotten better at as God has come into my life but something I battle with at times! The fear of feeling “less than” come paralyze you in ways that are surprising to even you and from the beginning I’ve always felt like something was wrong with me. Like for starters, “where is my dad? why he ain’t stick around? must be something wrong with me.” or “oh those girls don’t want to be my friend? they want to bully me and talk about me? ugh! must be me.” and even, “he cheated on me. he grabbed me by the throat. he abused me. – here we go again, it’s me – I did something to deserve this!” I have had a nasty habit of allowing others and making myself feel less than as well as accepting full blame in all situations even when I’m smart enough to see that what someone was doing to me was wrong but in my mind and heart – the root of it was because it was me! I’ve told ya’ll this before, I’m sure but if not – this where we at, OK? Okay. So, I’ve definitely realized my worth and learned that it’s NOT okay to be mistreated in any way regardless of the relational ties BUT how many know that the devil will always try to suck you back into an old frame of mind once you feel like you’ve finally overcome it???? 🙋🏽‍♀️ he may lay off that thing for a while but just when you skipping through sunshine and rainbows, he’ll sneak up on you dropping those thoughts in your mind to trap you mentally and ultimately physically, emotionally and spiritually! This is why it’s so important to have a prayer life (when things are going good AND bad), time in your Word and people you KNOW are PRAYING for you and not PREYING on you! Okkkkuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!💁🏽‍♀️

Now, the part that got my attention in this devotional was this line, “you don’t need to create the light – just simply receive the light ——- you are enough!” I sat there kind of in a daze! Like you know you’ll hear something 35 times and then on the 36th time it clicks in your mind like, “😳ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I GET IT!” Yeah, that’s how this was!!! See I hear people saying – “oh my gosh, you’re glowing!” “God is so evident in your life!” “I can’t even imagine you that way you say you used to be!” – you hear these awesome, amazing things about yourself but somehow they are drowned out at times by the negativity around you and the LIES OF THE enemy! “You’re not worthy of God’s blessings.” “He can’t use you!” “Remember what you did??” AHHHHH! So my question is, why is the negative so heavy on us and the positive remains skinTy???? Because if we’re being honest (remember SELF HONESTY IS THE BEST HONESTY👀), most of us will believe the negative about ourselves or even the lies the enemy will drop in our mind than we will the positive because it’s just easier to believe! You tell an intelligent, beautiful hardworking single woman that she will one day meet an amazing man who will love, respect and honor her as she’s always desired and I guarantee you’ll see a look of uncertainty on her face even if she says she “receives it!” Or you tell a young, black man in an underprivileged neighborhood that if he works hard and goes to school that he’ll one day have the career, family and life he wants without selling drugs, etc. – you’ll probably get a “yeah iight.” type response! This mind frame is because we’re thinking beneath us because we focus on our ability or the circumstances around us instead of our BIG GOD and the blessings He has, can and WILL provide for us! But wait…. there’s more!!! Then we try to do it ourselves and we end up disappointed because of how things turn out because we aren’t leaning on who we’re supposed to lean on….GOD! This mindset is also because we honestly lack FAITH at times!!! Faith doesn’t have to see it but will still allow you to believe that greater is coming!!! Sometimes I think we’ve gotten so spoiled and we’re just used to God throwing blessings that when He has to take His time on a blessing and we’re not ready for it – we pout and try to do it ourselves and complain and all those shenanigans instead of just staying prayerful and remembering that God is NOT slack concerning His promises! If He said… you can count on it! We just have to stay faithful and prayerful even when it gets rough and there is no light in sight!

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve put things into my own hands; planned it all out just to have it KABOOM all in my face!!!! Because I was always so used to doing things myself (when I didn’t have to because God was there then just waiting but anywhoo…), it’s sometimes easy to slip into that habit (thank God He checks me before I have a chance to make a mess of things!) but when I truly give it to Him – it may not work out how I expected it to work out but it works out perfectly! So I’ve had to keep reminding myself when the enemy tries to bring negative thoughts, etc. to my mind – my light shines bright because the SON is all around me! It’s not in me or what I do but it IS in me submitting my life, my thoughts, my WHOLE self to Jesus and allowing Him to truly work in me and through me! Don’t get me wrong – in some things, it’s easier said than done but as you do it, it truly does get easier; especially when you’re constantly in prayer, fasting and reading the Word! I am not selling anyone a dream! Listen! I’ve tried the product and it works!!! JESUS TRULY DOES WORK!!!!!! Like, people are so afraid to give Him a try and that’s what gives me my drive to get beyond myself (because sometimes I doubt myself…. ya’ll pray my strength – I am human but I am getting better) and talk about what He’s done for me because if you KNEW me then you KNOW that Jesus saves. delivers. set frees. restores. revives. refreshes. AND renews because I wasn’t a hot mess – I was THEE hot mess… BUT GOD!! But I also want to show that even though He has changed me – it ain’t easy street! I still have battles just like everyone else but the difference is God lightens my load…. when I’m smart enough to give it to Him!!…..

Okay….. so I got a LOT more to say – a little more detailed BUT I gotta break it up for yall!! See ya next time!!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

Prepared for Greater: THANK YOU!

“If it had not been for the shaking,

I never would have been ready for the making, no

If it had not been for the beating,

I would have never knew how anointed I would be.

If it had not been for the pressing,

I wouldn’t be able to walk into my destiny.”

 

I am sitting here listening to Jekalyn Carr’s “Greater is Coming” with tears in my eyes because as I listened to the words of this song, it made me think of what I’ve gone through in my own life and without it, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today. It also confirmed to me God’s desire for me to write this post as He put it on my heart to do so, Sunday evening.

Nobody likes to feel pain. We don’t like to be uncomfortable. Yet, sometimes those are the very things that make our lives more powerful than we could have ever imagined. At least, that’s how I feel about my life. For those who have been on this journey with me from the beginning – you’ve read of the things that I have gone through in my life. You’ve read about the insecurities. The bullying. The abuse – mentally, emotionally, sexually and physically. You’ve read how I considered suicide. You know that this has not been an easy journey in the least. This isn’t something anyone would read and say – “Ooooo I want her life!” No – this isn’t the fairy tale story you dream of as a little girl. Yet, if I could talk to young Kiesha right now – I’d look that little girl in the eyes – eyes full of hopes & dreams and the soul crushing desire to be loved and I’d tell her that this journey is going to hurt. That it’s going to test all the strength she has within her and even what she doesn’t; that she’d be betrayed beyond what she thought possible and that it’s going to hurt her and break her heart in more pieces than anyone could count  – but I’d tell her that in time she will realize that it’s WORTH IT!

I think back over this past weekend – the vision that God gave me for Broken Beautifully – to reach women – old and young to help them see themselves as God sees us: Beautiful. Fearless. Worthy. Priceless. Amazing. Strong. POWERFUL. I saw the vision play out right before my eyes and I am in complete awe of God! Our FIRST annual women’s service, “The Power of A Woman When The Power of God is Within Her!” was nothing short of amazing. I saw women lay before God and surrender themselves. I saw women come together to encourage and help one another. I saw women literally carrying each other as they gave themselves and their burdens to God. I saw support. I saw power. I saw LOVE. As I watched this play out before my eyes – God let me know, “you see why you cannot give up?” This is not to say there is any power in me – I am simply a willing vessel. However, God uses the things we’ve gone through as our testimony and ultimately our ministry and with what I saw Saturday, I think to myself – what if I would’ve given up? What if I would’ve cancelled the service because it didn’t seem as though it was coming together? What if I would’ve cancelled it because there wasn’t as much support as I was hoping for? The blessings that fell from Heaven; the deliverance that took place; the Word; the fellowship – all of that would’ve not happened on that night, in that place, all because I would have allowed what was going around to hinder what I know God is doing & using within me! But before all of that – what if I had never gone through the things I went through! There wouldn’t have been the vision of Broken Beautifully! Think of Jesus! His victory came AFTER He went through hurt, pain and betrayal! All of those things pushed Him towards His destiny and ultimately gave Him ALL POWER!

During the open panel discussion – Evangelist Tiffiney Birdsong told us that we should THANK those who have hurt us in the past! WHAT A GOLDEN NUGGET! Now some people would be like, “what???” But when you think about it – when you take the hurt and pain you’ve gone through and allow God to use that for good – your life will be transformed because you realize – through trying to help someone else, God is healing me and not only that – GOD IS USING ME! (OH to be used by God! Nothing like it!)

If it had not been for the restless nights. The millions of tears cried. The heartache and heartbreak. The neglect. That hate. The bullying. The BREAKING – I wouldn’t have been put back together even better than I was before!

I wanna tell anyone who is battling with brokenness still – GIVE IT TO GOD! Let go of all the hurt and pain – it won’t be easy but it will be worth it and one day, I promise you – one day you’ll be able to genuinely do what I am about to!

I dedicate this post and I truly thank from the bottom of my heart to each person who has done/said the following:

  1. Lied on, talked about, hated on me.
  2. Physically abused me.
  3. Sexually abused me.
  4. Mentally abused me.
  5. Emotionally abused me.
  6. Falsely accused me.
  7. Plotted against me.
  8. PREYED on me.
  9. Cheated on me.
  10. Made me feel or called me ugly, fat or anything in the ugly/fat family.
  11. Not had my best interest at heart.
  12. BROKE ME.

You have made this journey interesting. You’ve made this journey rough at times but ultimately you pushed me into the arms of the most wonderful man I’ve ever known – JESUS CHRIST and His love has refreshed, revived and restored me in ways that I never thought possible! He has given my life purpose in Him and in the process, He has blessed me with amazing people that truly support, inspire and push me to keep HIM first and to be the best version of myself EVERY DAY! So y’all ROCK like an unstable cradle! I love y’all the long way and know that you meant it for my bad but God TURNED IT – turned it so much that instead of bad, I am PRAYING for your prosperity and favor and that one day God will change your life as He did mine!

Peace. Love. And Good Skin.

 

With Broken Beautifulness,

-Kiesh

Love Yourself Enough To Love Yourself Enough: Stop Accepting The Cycle of Being Abused!

Omgosh, Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! It seems like it’s been forever since I wrote a post but last night, when writing some things out in my journal – God nudged me, “You need to talk about this!” so of course, here I am!

So I’ve talked to you guys before about being in abusive relationships but I want to discuss accepting abusive behavior when it comes from a family member or close friend! See sometimes, it’s easier to notice abusive behavior from everyone except family members or people we’ve been friends with for a long time and we continue to enter into the cycle of allowing them to speak to and treat us however they want to whenever they want to because they’re family or have been in our lives for a long time! I am here to tell you that regardless of blood lines or history – ABUSE IS NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had an issue come up over this past weekend; something that has constantly happened to me throughout my life and Friday – after I cried those tears, I told God that I couldn’t do it anymore! See abuse doesn’t just have to be someone putting their hands on you or cussing you out; abuse can be any negative behavior or words that make you feel or see yourself as less than you are! For example, my issue is when you’re giving your absolute all to a situation; you’re doing things out of the kindness of your heart; trying to be there for a person; to show them you truly love them and every time they feel like it, they do or say things that make you feel like what you’re doing is never good enough and you’re just a horrible person! ABUSE! ABUSE! ABUSE! No matter what you do; what you say; how you approach it; how you leave it – you are the one that is wrong and they accept absolutely no responsibility for the words they say or how they make you feel! It sucks! I know! But that last part is key – how THEY make YOU feel!” We have to stop giving people the keys to how we feel about ourselves especially when it could be no further from the truth! See, one thing I realized is this, people will paint the picture of you when that’s how they actually see themselves! They just haven’t had a good dose of that what??? That’s right, SELF HONESTY! So they project! You’re doing all you can while they’re barely doing anything but they will make it out to be like you’re the one in the wrong! It’s crazy! The cycle comes because they’ll apologize or stop for a while and then as soon as you let your guard down – it starts all over again! It’s draining because just when you’re feeling like things are OK – the drama starts and it’s just too much!

I told God Sunday morning while getting ready for church, it’s a new day in Kieshatown because while I’ve stopped abuse from most people, it’s also important to stop within those that are closest to me, i.e. family members and close friends! Now, I’ve told y’all that I AM saved, saved so I don’t believe in that “I forgive them but I don’t want them around me!” but what I DO believe in is this, You love them with the love and WISDOM of Jesus! See we focus on the love part but I don’t think everyone gets that we aren’t just to be dumb out here letting people walk all over us! We are called to BE wise and associate with those who ARE wise! So this is what I believe: I will always love you. If you truly need me, I will be there. However, what I will NOT do is put myself in situations to allow you to abuse me. If you’re in my presence, lets laugh, play, conversate, etc. but I will not seek you out! That’s unwise! If the person has shown us who they are, why don’t we believe them? They could be the nicest person to everyone else but for whatever PERSONAL reason, they don’t treat us well which is fine! That’s their personal problem, it does not have to be yours! However they think or feel about you is their business and when their thoughts and feelings go against your true character, it’s not your business! They have the right to say and do whatever they want to but you also have the right to ignore it and not allow it to manifest in your spirit!

Jesus knew how the Pharisees felt about Him; however, He didn’t seek them out, they just always popped up in His space with their negatives words, thoughts and accusations but Jesus never let them ruin His vibe. He was in His space. In His element. He didn’t allow how they felt to dictate who He knew He was. We have to take that same attitude on. Letting someone ruffle our feathers based on who THEY say we are. That’s THEIR opinion and an opinion doesn’t mean it’s truth! At the end of the day, we all know who we are. We know our intentions. And so does God. So if you and God know – who cares what anyone (especially those who choose to see the worse in you) thinks??

One thing we talked about in Sunday School this past week was steadfast love! My uncle brought out something so important – REAL LOVE chooses to see the good in you even when there is bad there! So someone who constantly tells you about how bad you are when you’re doing everything in your power to do good to them, there is a lack of REAL LOVE in that relationship which is a flowing stream to constant abuse! See, with these people, they try to make you earn their love but we all know with the sacrifice of Jesus, that REAL LOVE is not earned, it is given, freely! So love them freely but keep in mind, they’ve shown you that their love is conditional and if you make one false move, BOOM! They will explode! So don’t expect anything from them so you’re not constantly disappointed!

Whoever is in your life – no matter that relationship, no matter how they treat you, you still love them but love them with WISDOM! Protect your space. Preserve your peace! Don’t seek them out! They have shown you that they are not truly for you regardless of what you do – so stop the ABUSE! Know who you are and don’t let anyone make you feel less than!

With Broken Beautifulness,

-Kiesh

Forever My Buddy💙

An unlikely friendship formed between us two;

But all along God knew what you had to go through.

He knew you’d need a friend, although we had a distant start;

He knew I had so much love to give within my heart.

I’ll miss you playing with the kiddies; believe me, they’ll miss you too;

I’ll miss you saying “What do you want LaKiesha?”; nobody can say it like you.

I’ll miss our conversations and mostly I’ll miss your loud laugh;

I’ll miss you singing to Paul Morton; but I promise, I won’t stay sad.

I know you’re not hurting anymore – that’s what helps me be okay;

It was time for your forever, so on this earth you could not stay.

But God has been working, even when we couldn’t see;

He just had to get you ready for your greatest journey.

6 months, 4 days; you fought for so long;

Don’t worry about MaMa – even in her weakness, God remains strong.

Our last talk, you told that I’ll always be your buddy;

You’ll forever be mine, Gregory Lynn; forever it will be.💙

I’m sorry!… wait… but why?

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy guys!!!!!! So this piece! Omgosh! Part of some of what I had been going through months prior!! This piece is covering something I’m sure a lot of us have gone through!! So…. here goes!

So I’ve told you guys I was a person that dealt with insecurity heavily in the past! I used to never feel good enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Thin enough, etc. I just didn’t like anything about how I looked on the outside or felt on the inside! However, through giving my life to God – learning who I am in His eyes, my confidence grew as well as me growing spiritually in Him! I get told so much how much I’ve grown. Girls and women telling me that I’ve encouraged them. Gods presence in my life was and is evident and I’ve told you guys before – last year I gave my ALL to Him! I stayed in my word and stayed on my knees praying to My Father! The Bible tells us that if we draw nigh to God, He will draw nigh to us & if I didn’t see it in anyone else’s life, I see it in mine! Now through all God had started doing in my life… showing me how to love myself; Broken, Beautifully; being filled with the Holy Ghost – I could sense a heavy presence of “feeling some kind of way!” There were people I came across that I discerned weren’t as happy on the inside as they portrayed to be on the outside of my growth in life! At first, it was like, “okay, maybe I’m trippin!” But the more I fought it – the more God showed me of the wolves in sheep clothing! Now my crazy self – instead of pushing through and not letting it get to me, I started muting what God was doing in my life! I started apologizing for God’s favor and the goodness that came outta my hard work! Isn’t that just the dumbest thing? But I guarantee I’m not the only one who has done it!

My uncle put it this way one night in Bible study! He said imagine two people entering a race. One trains at least 6 days a week and is eating right; while the other barely makes it to the gym 3 days a week & eats whatever they want! Race day comes and the one who trains hard. The one who started off the race a bit slower – picks up pace in the middle of the race & eventually wins! Then because the one that lost is “feeling some kind of way” – the winner goes and apologizes for winning! DUMB. DUMB. DUMB. Now this is in no way saying to boast in any favor or goodness in our life but it’s saying to stop being ashamed of Gods favor and apologizing for what He does in your life ESPECIALLY if you’ve put in the work to get to that point!

One thing I was so bad of doing and learning to get out of is to stop making people’s problems of me just living my life my own problem! They don’t like my personality? Personal problem. They don’t like my love for God? Personal problem. They don’t like my self confidence/Godfidence? Personal problem! I don’t walk around trying to make others feel bad about themselves but I try to compliment and encourage others when and where I can! Some accept it. Some look at me like I’m crazy but again that’s THEIR. PERSONAL. PROBLEM! We have to stop seeking acceptance from people and know that the only people that need to accept us is God and ourselves; if those two are good then the rest will follow and anyone that is meant to be in your life and is meant for your good – will be there!! I have struggled with wanting to be accepted by everyone so much in my life and a lot of choices I made went south because of that issue! When I reflect back on that and realize that the very ones I was trying to get to accept me are now nowhere in sight it confirms that acceptance from the wrong people is temporary! The people I have in my life right now – the ones I tell everything to and they know things about me that I’ve never shared with anyone – even those things I wish I could forget – omgosh they are like a dream! They accept my quirky, weird, extra, over the top, overly emotional, goofy self and it amazes me sometime how much they love me and push me to be the best I can be! That’s how it SHOULD be – it doesn’t matter where I am in my life – they support it and they push me to do better and I never have to apologize for it and I do the same for them!

If you find when you are growing and doing better in anyway and those around you start to feel some kind of way or act some kind of way or you get that feeling that you need to dim your light – you have some undercover haters in your midst! Now realizing this is the first step to A. making sure you don’t start feeling some kind of way towards them because of their attitude towards you and B. not allowing their problem to weigh you down and become your problem! So, what I started doing was this – I was honest about who those people were with God & myself; despite how close to me I thought they were and despite how upset it made me to realize they were actually being fake towards me the whole time. Once I was honest about it – I started really praying about it! I didn’t pray against them but I prayed against myself – for me to not let it bother me when I could tell they weren’t being genuine and also for God to give me a blind eye and a deaf ear to any further display of undercover haterism and also asked Him to help me to not apologize for what He was doing in my life and to help me to stop dimming my light because it made others uncomfortable!

Now, if you are like me – I spent a lot of years in a shell; not comfortable with myself; thinking I was less than nothing; thinking God could never use me and in the past two years, every thing I’ve thought, the last 30 years has been proven to be an absolute lie! So there are some who would have loved for me to stay in that shell – just like you – stay in your shell because then you’ll stay the same and won’t have any chance of being better! I’ve realized when you’re down, those not good for you type people, are your best friends! They stay in your face. Inviting you places. They’ll always be “there for you!” Checking in on you. However, as soon as you start to overcome and do better – you only hear from them every now & again when they wanna see if you’ve fallen although they disguise it as “how have things been with you?” hahahahahaha! I’m sorry – I just cracked my own self up!

Seriously though!!! Being happy about what God has done for you when you thought you were nothing; of overcoming past hardships when people told you that you’d never amount to anything; of being confident in your skin despite your size – STOP APOLOGIZING BECAUSE IT MAKES OTHERS UNCOMFORTABLE!!! You don’t have to boast to be excited!!! You don’t have to pretend either – be you for you!!

I am a happy, single, plus sized, God-loving, makeup wearing, goofy, fashion obsessed woman that loves to laugh, make others smile and feel better about themselves & who is allowing God to use me in the way He sees fit and I will no longer apologize! Make your declaration today too yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Romans 5:3-5!

2 Timothy 1:8,9

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕💕