The Struggle in Expectation!

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Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii guys!!!! Its been a few, crazy months but by the grace of God, I am back and so excited to share some news with you all and also how that news outlined this piece!!!

I. AM. PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m almost out of my first trimester, Thank God, and am praying I can actually walk around the next two trimesters without feeling like I am going to vomit at any moment! 😐 But seriously! Morning (really all day) sickness is NO. JOKE.

Anywho, if you all can remember, July 2018, I wrote a piece called “A Childless Mother.” It was about how I always longed to be a mom, thinking I’d never be one due to health issues and how God not only kept me from making a big mistake but also healed my body to be able to one day get pregnant and carry my own child. I reread it for the first time today since I wrote it (if you haven’t read it, please do!) and I’m just in awe of God! Ain’t He good ya’ll?!?! Sometimes its just good to go back and remember all God has done and that reminder gives you a little push to keep going forward!

Isn’t it crazy how when you want something and you’re waiting for it to happen – that season of expectation seems like the hardest sometimes! You wrestle back and forth with trusting God and being optimistic to questioning if its in His plan for you and having moments of depression and sadness because the situation, to our natural eyes, does not look good. That’s been my journey to motherhood! There were days that I completely trusted Gods plan and was so optimistic that one day, in His time, I would be able to look at the pregnancy stick – turn to my husband and tell him, “WE’RE PREGNANT!” But there were those dark times. Those times that I felt like my promise was so far away that to even dream about it was too heartbreaking for me to fathom. This is part one of what I call “The Struggle in Expectation.”

You know what God has promised you. You’ve read His Word. You’ve heard the prophecies. You’ve dreamed the dreams but yet – in expectation, you sometimes struggle to believe it because all signs say “Nope.” Anyone who says they have faith and trust Gods plan ALL of the time – I cannot say they are being completely honest. We are human and sometimes our human emotions and natural eyes cover the spiritual! Should our faith be increasing the more God delivers, set frees, heals, fixes, etc. us and those around us? Yes. But sometimes its difficult to go through the get through! Sometimes we have our moments in the “garden” like Jesus and say/ask God – “if it’s possible….” “Will I get?” “Can I go?” And I am here to tell you if no one else has said this to you before: IT. IS. OKAY. It is okay to have those moments because its normal BUT don’t stay in those moments! Come right back and say “NEVERTHELESS!!!”

So in my season of expectation – one thing that helped me tremendously (you’ve heard this before but hear it again LOL!) is one day, pre marriage, while talking to God – I told Him that if He never blessed me to be a mom or wife that my “Yes” to Him would still remain! Now I am going to go a bit off topic here because I feel this is important to say! If you get saved to get something from God – you are going to have a hard time staying committed to Him during your seasons of waiting! My mother in love always says, “Why you do something determines how you do it!” Just like in anything – if you do it for the wrong reasons – it’s easy to find reasons to quit when it doesn’t seem like its going the way you want it to go! Come to God because He is amazing and He loves you and life is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better with Him!! Okay – back to the topic – so the things that I wanted most – I told God without them, I still chose Him. Would it be hard? Yes. But I gave my life to God to live for Him despite what He gave me so my commitment wasn’t going to change.

Fast forward to me actually dating my now husband. In my season of waiting for a good man, I never thought it would happen but all of a sudden I was actually dating a really GOOD man, that I actually liked to be around and then that good man asked me to be his wife and then we got married and now all is well because I got what I had been expecting right?! WRONG. The second part of the struggle in expectation is when you actually get what you were expecting and now comes the fear of losing it. You’re almost afraid to move you’re so afraid something will happen to take it away from you! That’s how I felt when I first got married and that’s exactly how I’ve felt the past 3 months since finding out that I was expecting!

Finding out I was pregnant – especially so soon (I got off birth control October 10th; found out I was about 5 weeks pregnant on December 3rd), was so mind blowing to me! I was excited, thankful, joyful, in love but TERRIFIED that this long awaited dream would all go away if I enjoyed it too much! Of course in the first trimester, there is always a risk of miscarriage – that’s just the facts! But not only that, it was like the enemy was whispering in my ear everyday that I was going to lose the baby! I was already sick as ever; feeling all these emotions times a billion; body slowly but surely changing and now the thoughts of actually being responsible for a tiny human was freaking me out as well but above all of that – its like I was paralyzed in fear.

One thing my fellow empathic best friend told me while I was planning my wedding and stressed beyond reason is this, “The devil cannot stop your blessings but he can try to steal the joy out of them.” When God allowed that thought to come to mind – it just blew me away and now, all I could think is – God, I cannot stop life but I can trust You in it. The enemy doesn’t want us to get our blessings which is why he tries to keep us down, depressed and not constantly seeking God because he knows when God is ready to bless us – he cannot stop it! But when we get blessed, he’s not just going to roll over and say “better luck next time!” NO! he comes and tries to keep us from enjoying what God had for us all along! his hand cannot touch us without Gods permission and that’s why ultimately, no matter what happens, our trust has to be in GOD!

Although being pregnant and thinking of having my own child is amazing and I am beyond thankful for this gift, no matter what happens and no matter how scary it may seem sometime, my trust has to be in God and Him alone. Fear will drive you absolutely nuts and who has time to go nuts especially with all life has been throwing at all of us lately??? Anybody?! Thought so! LOL! So that’s why its important for us to make sure we are staying in Gods Word (remembering what He says), constantly in prayer (casting our cares on Him) and even when it gets hard, trusting His plan! Its ultimately the best thing for us – although it can be unbearable sometimes – He knows what He is doing.

And for those who are in their season of waiting/expectation – especially the women waiting to be found by their husbands and the ones waiting and praying to be a Mom one day, if you have nothing else to hold on to I will leave you with what got me through and changed my life. Matthew 6:33 (But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.) I am not going to say we will always get the things we want but I will tell you if you seek God first, He will give you what you need, sometimes want, and He will exceed every expectation you had but you have to give all of you to Him! Leave nothing hidden.

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

What are we doing Church?

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I was NOT planning to write anything but after my prayer time this morning, I felt led to write and talk to The Christian Community!

I have this app on my phone called GLORIFY! I have had it for about a week or so and I really love it! It gives you a chance to read a passage of scripture and a devotional that goes along with that scripture and then there is a 5 minute meditation on what you just read! There is also an option to have prayer – there are two saved prayers, one that goes over The Lord’s Prayer and then one that prays for our leaders; there’s also an option to add your own prayer focus! When I decided to add mine, “Our Children” is what came to mind! Now, currently, I do not have kids, but what I mean is the children of this entire world! As I prayed, I could see children crying – being beat, abused – physically, emotionally, sexually, mentally; being screamed at and treated wrongly because of their parents being unhappy with their lives and taking it out on them! Then I begin to think of human trafficking – how people actually have a mind to drug women, boys & girls and sell them for others to use and abuse until they can’t be used anymore or die in the process. I begin to think about how many lives are lost each day from senseless murders, starvation, drug over doses, alcohol poisoning or withdrawal! I begin to think how many people are lost by hearing false teachers and preachers and then one question came to mind: “What are we doing CHURCH?!” My eyes teared up because I know there is so much work that needs to be done and so much we, as the body of Christ, aren’t doing and that has to change!

One thing my husband and I center our work on is it’s not MY purpose but HIS purpose! His purpose is the PEOPLE! He died for us because HE loved us and if we have His love abiding inside of us – are we showing it as much as we should? It should not be shown to just the people we see every day! It should not just be shown to those who make us feel comfortable! It should be shown to that homeless guy on the street who may not smell the best. It should be shown to that child that you see with holes in their shoes and a too little coat on. It should be shown to that elderly man or woman who can’t get around good anymore and needs help being cleaned up. Gods people should have a concern for Gods people! READ THAT AGAIN! No matter if they are saved or not – they still belong to God and as long as we are breathing, our life should be lived in serving Gods people! There is a difference between purpose and ministry! Purpose is the reason why. Ministry is the work that assists the purpose. ASSISTS! That means HELPS – not take over! Yes, we all have different forms of ministry but we should NEVER get so caught up in our ministry that we forget the purpose of why God gave it to us! He gives us ministry because we all have different ways of reaching different people but the mission should still be the same: souls being saved; sick being healed; hopeless finding hope; the hungry being fed; the lost being found; the abused being loved back wholly!

The awesome part also is this: we don’t have to worry about being poured back into – God will make a way! We take care of others and God will ALWAYS make a way to take care of us!! (But don’t do it just to get something back! Always do it from the heart or don’t do it all!) Church let’s come together and do better! Let’s come together for HIS purpose! We shouldn’t be looking for our name to be known – if it happens, all Glory STILL belongs to God – but if it doesn’t, we should still have that same drive and love to do His work regardless! It’s about Him and His people! Go love somebody random today – and then the next day and then the next day! I challenge myself! Make the challenge for yourself as well! And if you don’t feel the need to then ask yourself, what are you doing?!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh🦋💕

Scars to Beauty Marks!

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Part One:

“The Breakup”

I remember feeling as if I couldn’t breathe my next breath because of the amount of pain weighing on my heart, mind and soul at the EXACT same time. I couldn’t ask the famous question we all ask ourselves when pain comes, “how did I get here?” because truth is, I knew exactly how I got there and I think we all know; it’s just a matter if we admit it to ourselves or not but that’s another topic for another day. Anywho, there I was…in the apartment I shared with him for the last 5 years. Every tear on the stained carpet. Every fight on the paint peeled wall. All the laughs in the dim lighted kitchen. All the love in our dark bedroom. All of it, hitting me on every side of my almost lifeless body. I walked into my bathroom – I looked in the mirror; no energy, eyes already bloodshot from crying, 12 lbs. lighter in just 8 days because I wasn’t eating and I cried the ugliest cry I think anyone has ever cried – yes, even the famous Kim Kardashian cry! There I was, alone, looking at myself in my grey t-shirt, hair in thick braids, barefaced and crying because I thought I had lost everything I had fought for, for so long. I stood there and saw who I had allowed myself to become. It wasn’t just a relationship ending. It was the past 30 years of my life; every painful memory and word that I heard and remembered; every heart break; every time I was told I was ugly or fat or would never be anything; the things I told myself, “you’re not good enough!” “you’re nothing!” “you’re second best, IF THAT!” – all of it came into me and I was completely disgusted with myself. I had been wasting the life God had blessed me with and allowed the things people said, done to and thought about me to completely consume me and here I was, miserable. Powerless. Alone. Afraid. LOST! How am I supposed to go on? Who am I really? What is my next step? I had no idea. No clue. I could not be comforted. “You’re better without him!” “You’ll find someone better!” “You’ll be fine, just give it time!” Although the words were kind and appropriate, they weren’t what I needed. The only thing I knew down in my soul is that the only person who could help me even a little bit, was God. In that moment, I told God, “I cannot live like this! You have to take it!” I went into my bedroom and got back in the bed…. covers over my head and I went to sleep.

The next day came and I still didn’t feel okay. I was still sad. I still felt miserable. I still felt the pain. But I ate. Thank God for that. It’s not like I had money in the bank so I had to get my butt up and go to work every day – smile when necessary and cry my eyes out when at my desk, quickly wiping away tears as they fell so no one would see.  The thoughts of that night replaying continually in my mind. Thinking of all the tears and exchange of words but mostly, thinking of how I begged him to stay. Yes, I begged that man! Pleaded with him not to leave me. (Thinking of it now, makes me wanna go toe to toe with my own self. Ugh!) But yes, I was practically on my knees pleading with him to stay because I just knew that if he stayed, he’d see being with me was the best thing for him but I was so used to being forgotten about, I forgot myself. What about what was best for Kiesha? Remember her? See everyone tells you treat others as you want to be treated, not realizing that people like myself, “givers”, focus so much on giving to others the love that is so deep inside of them, that they lose themselves in the process. Isn’t that something to think about? How we can be loving someone with everything in us but forget to love ourselves? We ask them if they’ve eaten anything and we’ve only had two grapes and a stick of gum. Crazy, huh? But that’s what I did. I wanted to love someone, anyone so much and I thought me loving hard would automatically make someone love me but that’s wasn’t and is not the case. That’s why it is SO IMPORTANT, for everyone to start loving themselves FIRST! So that when pain, heartache, loneliness, etc. comes – you will still know how to take care of you! I don’t know how I allowed myself to lose that message or if it is a message that I ever had but there I was. (Okay, this sounds so sad & depressing so I’m gonna skip ahead a bit and give you a little hope though….. I found my love for myself and you WILL too! 🙂 But let’s get back to how GOD turned these very real, deep SCARS into BEAUTY MARKS!)

So here I was, fresh out of a 5-year relationship and not having a clue who I was or what I wanted except, I knew I wanted and needed to be closer to God! I packed up the apartment that had become my safe haven and war zone all at the same time and I moved to a newer apartment and was ready for a fresh start. I’ve always been a private person so I didn’t talk a lot to people but I started to open myself up a bit more to God. Reading my Bible… daily devotions and praying were like fresh air to me! It was the only time I felt safe with myself. Dying to call or text him. Wishing he’d call or text me and tell me it was all a mistake, that he’s so sorry and beg me to take him back and then we could go to City Hall and get married immediately! But that call or text never came. And I was a mess and completely vulnerable but when I read my Bible and prayed, I became so lost in the Words on the pages and the security I began to feel after prayer so I just kept going. I was always afraid to live by myself – being inside 4 walls with no one talking to you physically, seemed like the strangest and scariest thing to me but I knew this was the only option I had and I could either learn to live or just die internally. So, I decided to live! Like, I HAVE to live!!!! Come on now Kiesh! You can’t give up now! You gotta figure this thing out… somehow, some way! So, Bible study at our church was my newest safe haven – I was scared of my apartment at this time, LOL! – so Tuesday nights I felt like I hit the lottery. I couldn’t get to church fast enough! I literally felt at complete peace, walking through those doors even though I knew the lesson could possibly touch on what I was going through and that meant… emotional Kiesha was gonna make an appearance. GAHHHHHHHHHH! She can be so annoying! What I didn’t realize is that emotional Kiesha was part of the key to my freedom! Sometimes, we are taught to hold in our tears. “Be strong.” “You got this!” “Don’t let anyone see you sweat!” We don’t realize that we are suppressing our feelings! That’s not good because that teaches us that what we are feeling needs to be hid and isn’t important but our feelings matter! Let me say that again for the people in the back…. OUR FEELINGS MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR FEELINGS MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We don’t have to hold anything in. We weren’t given emotions to hide them – it’s necessary to express how you feel and sometimes you just need to cry! Walk away from your desk. Go outside. Have a good cry. GET IT OUT! Don’t leave it inside of you because it will eat away at you and then you’ll do what I did: have 30 years of emotions bottled up, losing yourself and forgetting your dreams, breakup with your “fiancé” causing you to have a complete emotional breakdown in your WACK apartment! Okay, so back to Bible study…. Emotional Kiesha came out SEVERAL times! Ugh! But as I said, that was helping me and I didn’t even know it! So, every day, I would read, pray, and then God blessed my mind to see that this new apartment was MINE! One thing I always wanted to do in my old apartment was decorate because it was my first real adult apartment. He showed me a blank canvas – it’s like He was saying, “Make it yours!” So, work, prayer, read my Bible and decorate or buy things to decorate was my agenda! My days were still hard sometimes – especially with my nieces; they were 5 going on 6 and 3 going on 4 at the time and came over all the time and they are kids – they don’t know hearing his name would hurt my soul and take my mind through a memory filled emotional rollercoaster that made me feel like I was going to throw up and pass out all at the same time. So, every weekend, here they go: “where is he?” “I miss him.” “Why isn’t he here?” “he used to swing me around!” “why is he living with his dad?” and I’m just like… you know what, I’m tired of the questions and I just told them “because he didn’t wanna marry me and I didn’t wanna be a girlfriend anymore because I love God!” WOW! I just said that to a 5 and 3-year-old! Not in a mean way but I was just…. Honest. And you know what – honesty IS the best policy! And guess what, they understood as best they could. Sure, they still missed him, he was there for all their life but they wanted TiTi to be married so she could have babies so to them it made perfect sense! When I gave my life back to the Lord we stopped being intimate, I was tired of shackin’ up! I needed to be in good standing with myself and God! I’d given him 5 years of dedication and love – this wasn’t gonna stop; if he didn’t wanna marry me now, he’d never marry me! I was honest with myself and stood my ground of what I wanted and felt I deserved.

Anywho, work, reading, prayer, decorate and repeat! Working and decorating, I was there but my mind was still all over the place but when I was reading my Bible and praying – oh, I was all there. I cried. I laughed. I paced. I asked questions. I cried some more. I became so dedicated. It was amazing to me the strength He was giving me… it still wasn’t always easy but it was getting a little better. Then – the wind got completely knocked out of me. On April 21st 2017, almost two months after my gut wrenching break up, after shortly dropping my 5-year-old niece off, I was in a major car accident and totaled my car! Never had I ever been in one – I can close my eyes now and still see and feel the car spinning around in the air yet all I could say was “Jesus!” – calmly and expectantly I called HIS name! Thanks be to My King, I walked away sore and with a really bad seatbelt burn across my chest; the other person, he was hurt a little more but thank God, he also survived. I remember laying in the hospital bed and God letting me know clearly – the enemy is trying to kill you Kiesha! He tried emotionally. Now he was trying physically. He didn’t say anything audibly, but I felt Him in my room and it’s like He just let me know in my spirit and it made me want to lock in on God even more. I remember my uncle walking in and all I could tell him is “he tried to take me out! But I’m not giving up!” and I held on to that! I knew in real life, the only thing I had in my life that would remain solid was God…. It was more than a breakup. It was more than a man. This hurt ran deep and although I took steps that pushed me into the path that I was currently in… God was right by me, making sure every broken piece of my heart that was falling along the way, was picked up and stored for remolding and reshaping so He alone could put me back together. I made mistakes. I loved the wrong man. I said “yes” when it should have been “no!” I forgot my worth or perhaps never even knew my worth. Yet, that did not stop God from setting up a plan to have me Broken, Beautifully. Do you know what that means? It means ever so gently. Carefully. Patiently. Lovingly. He slowly allowed me to lose the things that I had so much faith in so He could isolate me and show me that my trust should only remain in Him. He didn’t want to see me cry – He felt every tear that fell from chubby cheeked face but He needed me to see that I was lost and sometimes God needs to strip us of everything we think we want, so He can truly give us EVERYTHING we NEED! The breakup wasn’t my end but my beginning…. It just took me some time to realize it.

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

Part Two – coming soon.

STRESSINS on LESSONS on BLESSINS (PART 3)

Time was getting closer and closer for us to welcome our baby girl! I was tired all of the time because I had reached the point of not being comfortable unless I was on the couch; it was extremely difficult to sleep at night – not to mention, I was using the bathroom every hour it seemed!🤦🏽‍♀️ Some relief came though because I had finally accepted the circumstances of everything (potential preeclampsia, gestational diabetes) and I made sure I was following the instructions of my doctors. I realized it wasn’t just up to God to do His job but for me to do mine as well! What was the point of me praying if I wasn’t going to change anything on my end! I had work to do too! Side note: How many of us have prayed about something and then sat back and did NO👏🏽THING👏🏽 but go back to, continue in, etc. in the same mess we just asked God to help us get out of!?🤦🏽‍♀️ Makes no sense! 🗣I’M TRYNA HELP SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE‼️

Anywho, in the midst of keeping my physical health in check – I was also working on keeping my spiritual health in check! I was sick of my faith being so up and down. I needed to get to the root of why sometimes my fear was bigger than my faith! Why was it so easy when the circumstances had an option to be unfavorable, my faith-o-meter went to “zero?” My husband and I did a Bible plan on YouVersion called “Winning The War Of Your Mind!” One of the best points was this: we cannot focus on behavior modification because it’ll only be temporary but we have to get to the root of the behavior! I realized I was focusing on showing what having faith in my situations looked like but I had never truly had faith in God working my situations out for me! I’d pray but there was a nagging voice in my head saying “He isn’t going to do it for you…. Because it’s you.” Am I the only one that heard that voice? That joint loud ain’t it?!😩 Oooooo it got real uncomfortable for me because I love God and I’m out here telling anyone who will listen and even some people who don’t, about what a wonder God is but then I’m not even believing Him to be a wonder in MY life!🤦🏽‍♀️ Somebody make it make sense!!! Okay, okay. (let me focus.) Now, God didn’t stop there. Once He let me truly see about my lack of faith, then we went to the next step and this put my entire life into perspective because it explained why it was so difficult to have faith when it comes to my own life….. y’all ready for this? It boiled down to one word: Rejection. When He revealed that to me, it literally blew my mind and brought tears to my eyes. That explained why it was so difficult to trust God with everything in my life: fear that I would always be rejected by God – no matter what I did – because of all of the rejection I had received from people – no matter what I did. Actually writing that statement, breaks my heart. The crazy part is this: I know in my heart that God won’t do me like people but my mind always said otherwise! At the time, I didn’t realize why my mind was the loudest voice – I know now but I’ll get into that in another post because it’s too good and it needs its own section!🤣

Anywho, the last trimester of my pregnancy was honestly amazing besides the extreme tiredness & being so limited in doing things. For the most part, I was feeling good and just ready to see my baby girl!! My blood pressure was perfect my entire pregnancy but all of a sudden, it started being really high! It wasn’t yet “dangerous/preeclampsia” high but high enough that my OB upped my dosage from one pill a day to now twice a day!!! I got a little nervous but just tried to keep trusting that everything was okay. My OB decided that at 38 weeks, if I didn’t go to into labor before then, he would induce me. I felt like we weren’t going to make it to 38 weeks! Our daughters head was in the birthing position. I was huge. She was coming soon. She HAD to come soon.😩🤣 So one day I’m home and I started feeling kind of weird. I thought maybe I was just imagining things but the feeling wouldn’t go away. I took my blood sugar and it was normal. Then I took my blood pressure and it was kinda high so I went and laid down to see if I started feeling better and I didn’t. I checked my blood pressure again and it was higher. I called my OBs office and was told to go to Labor & Delivery ASAP to get checked out. Omgosh. I let my job know I was logging out. I knew I wasn’t coming back home pregnant. I just felt it. It was too close to me being 38 weeks. This. Was. Happening. I called my husband. Thank God he only worked like 10 minutes away even though he got to me in what seemed like 2 minutes.🤣 I had already had my hospital bag packed so I grabbed it. I then just walked around my house imagining our daughter in every room I walked in. As I walked, I talked to God; just asking Him to settle my nerves because my BP being high could mean I was preeclamptic and I did not want to have a C-section! Chris got to me. We got all packed up in the car and headed to the hospital. By then, I was surprisingly a lot calmer than I expected I would be. I think it was a combination of ready to see my baby, sick of being pregnant and a little more trust in God that it would be OK. We got to the hospital and my BP was not coming down so of course they had to admit me. We let our immediate family know – ready or not – it’s happening sooner than expected! They got me to a room. Hooked me up to an IV. Here we go.

I went into the hospital on 07/23/2021 about 12:30 in the afternoon and on 07/24/2021 at 1:50 PM, Kristian Rae’Lynn Simon – two days before Mommy’s birthday – made her way into the world! Natural labor was one of the hardest, most painful experiences I’ve ever had but it was also the most beautiful, fulfilling and rewarding experience of my life! My husband didn’t leave my side; he, along with my mommy and mother in love helped me through the process! Still to this day it amazes me that I actually pushed this perfect little human out but I couldn’t have done it without them and God! God gave me the perfect combination of people to be my support team and man, I’m so very thankful!!!

I learned so much during my journey of pregnancy! There are things that I initially wished I could’ve done differently but ultimately, it happened, I can’t change it and I just want to make sure I’m striving to do better, so the next pregnancy, if we decide to try again, won’t have those obstacles! Since giving birth, I’ve dropped all of my pregnancy weight and I’ve loss 20 lbs of my pre pregnancy weight! My goal is to get off the blood pressure medication and to ultimately be mindful of what I’m putting into my body! Especially since I’m nursing our child! So even when I want to give up or not care, I remember – God has blessed me with what I’ve always wanted and it’s a dishonor to God to not take care of myself in order to be the best Mommy I can be! I can pray all day for healing from high blood pressure but what am I doing that shows I want healing also? Like I told y’all – why pray if you’re not going to do your part?! There’s work to be done! Go do it!!

I want to end this by speaking to the women who are dying to be a Mother and you feel like it can’t or won’t happen for you – rather the doctors tell you “No” or you haven’t been found by the man God has for you: DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOURSELF AND YOUR DREAM BUT INSTEAD GIVE IT TO GOD!!! I spent years worrying and wondering if I’d ever be a Mommy and trying to do it my own way and it put a lot of extra stress and problems in me that I could have avoided!!! When I gave it to God and surrendered to Him doing things His way – even though sometimes I didn’t always trust like I should – it worked out better than I could have ever imagined! So just think about how things can turn out if you really add some faith to it! Your wait will be a lot better!!! But whatever you do – DON’T STOP BELIEVING THAT IT WILL HAPPEN! I look at my daughter and I am still amazed that after all of the years I dreamed of being a Mommy and the doctor telling me “No” and every time the pregnancy test came back “negative” – GOD WAS JUST WAITING FOR HIS PERFECT TIME!!! And I can honestly say – His way is absolutely the best, most perfect way! I’m glad all of my “No’s” led to His perfect “Yes!” And if He did it for me – He can and will do it for you! Don’t be like I WAS though – TRUST HIM through the process!

With Beautiful Brokenness,

Kiesh💕

Stressins on Lessons on Blessins: Part TWO!

Heyyyyyyyyyyyy!! So no games to play – let’s pick up where we left off!

No genetics testing being done on our unborn child! That was the decision. That’s what we decided. Time to move forward, right? Wrong. That nagging feeling of the unknown is brutal. It’s so daunting. It’s so scary. And your mind never really stays on the possibility of everything working out just fine – nope! Well at least not with me. My mind goes for the worse possible scenario! And now that frame of mind was regarding my baby! My dream. God👏🏽Help👏🏽Me.👏🏽

Looking back – I tried my best to hold it together! I took my prenatal vitamins. I prayed. I talked to my husband about every emotion I felt. I ate good food. I cried when I felt it. I wrote in my pregnancy journal. I read my devos. I read mommy to be blogs. But my mind was always in one place: “what if?” And then on top of all this, I felt the pressure of making sure my “wifely duties” were in order and that I was “on track” in my relationship with God! If you haven’t gotten the gist of it by now – I have had a battle with trying to be perfect in every aspect of my life and that battle within myself causes me to weigh myself down with unrealistic expectations. Everyday my husband made sure I was well taken care of and made sure to let me know there was nothing for me to do except carry our baby and just be but just being wasn’t something that I was used to. Anyone so used to taking care of everything by yourself that being taken care of is so weird it makes you uncomfortable? 🙋🏽‍♀️ My husband literally had to put his foot down and let me know “SIT👏🏽YO👏🏽BUTT👏🏽DOWN‼️👏🏽” And then when it came to my relationship with God: I was so sick and exhausted most of the time. I couldn’t read and pray with the same energy that I did before and it bothered me really bad! I felt so disconnected from Him. I know that was just a trick from the enemy but I was really feeling a way that I couldn’t give more time, energy and effort in serving God! I wanted to read for hours without feeling like I was going to vomit or talk to Him without falling asleep mid sentence because I was so tired. I felt like I was neglecting Him. I felt like He was a million miles away. Of course He would understand that in my heart, He was still my number one but Him understanding wasn’t enough for me so I was feeling super heavy in my heart and nothing I did would shake it!

As the pregnancy continued, my vitals seemed to be holding up really well and I wasn’t gaining weight uncontrollably, thankfully! I had stopped worrying so much about if my baby, who we had now discovered was a GIRL, had a disability or not since nothing had been seen on the ultrasounds! There was slight worry but for the most part since nothing was SEEN (🤦🏽‍♀️), I was a little more confident!! Y’all saw that “SEEN,” right??? Lawd. Why was it so hard to just trust the word God had given me that our child was OK? Not because of what I saw but because of what God said?! Believe me y’all – I am working to do better at remembering in these moments that GOD HAS NOT AND CANNOT AND WILL NOT FAIL‼️ So that way I don’t have to go through all of this! Anywho, I was feeling pretty good besides the exhaustion and it had come time for me to take the test to see if I had gestational diabetes! Ugh! Every friend I had that had kids told me about this and how terrible it is because of the drink we have to drink! On top of that – you have to wait for like an hour after you drink it to have your blood drawn and in the midst of COVID, that was not OK!!

PLOT TWIST: My husband and I found out that we had COVID. I mean, really?! 🗣COME ON‼️ Covid during pregnancy was extremely difficult because they can’t really give you anything to soften the symptoms in order to keep the baby safe. I could just take basic cough syrup and suck on cough drops which were no match for what was happening because I had the worse cough and my body was sore from all of the coughing! I had to eat and keep hydrated as much as possible. Which was extremely hard because I’m a person that when I’m sick, I don’t want to do anything. Just give me medicine and let me sleep but it wasn’t just about me but our baby girl. Plus my husband was sick too and his symptoms were way worse than mine so I had to push through even more to help take care of him. All I kept thinking about was my husband and my daughter. No matter what, they had to be alright.😭🙏🏽

After the longest two weeks 🗣OF MY LIFE: we were feeling better & out of quarantine! THANKS TO GOD WHO BROUGHT US THROUGH‼️ We never wanted for anything and even though we were off work, God made ways to keep us afloat! Now it was finally time to take the test to see about the diabetes. The whole time I was thinking – I cannot have gestational diabetes. There is just no way it’s going to happen. I was already feeling like I was dealing with so much and I was feeling as though I was failing my child and stressing my husband out because whatever is going on with me, affects our baby and who wants to keep having conversations about what can be possibly be wrong? Of course my husband NEVER made me feel this way. He was THE most supportive, loving person someone could have in their life but that nagging feeling of having everything perfect kept my mind in that thought process. (SMH FOREVUHHHHHH!!!) Anywho, I got my results back and my blood sugars came back really high so that meant I had to confirm if I had gestational diabetes or not, I had to take the 3 hour test – drink more of the nasty crap and sit in the office for 3 hours while they took my blood every hour. Thankfully, I had awesome nurses and they had me a nice room with a recliner so I was able to nap and read while I waited so it made the process a lot better; however, at the end of the day, I was still diagnosed with gestational diabetes and it got REAL!!! Our baby girl was about 2 weeks ahead of her growth schedule because of my diagnosis and if my blood sugars were not kept under control, it could make things a lot harder for me and the baby during the pregnancy and could result in a C-section versus a vaginal delivery and could even result in our daughter being born having problems with her body processing insulin as well. When the nurse and doctors explained everything to me – although some of their deliveries weren’t the best, I had never felt more like a mamma bear than in those moments. All I kept thinking is, my daughter really needs me to get myself together so she can have the best chance at life available. I could not allow my health to harm her in anyway. I had to change my diet. Drastically.

I WAS HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!! I was on a low carb diet, checking my blood sugars and taking insulin 4 times a day. This was different. This was exhausting. This was a lot. Every time I wanted to give up or not do something, I thought about my baby! I was now going to two different doctors once a week: my OB on Tuesday’s for NSTs and the Maternity office at the hospital for an NST & ultrasound. At 28 weeks. I still felt like I had a long way to go and having all this new stuff was going to make it feel even longer but I just cared about doing whatever I had to do to ensure my daughter and I came through the rest of this pregnancy as safely as possible. So I stuck to my diet and checked my blood sugars and went to the appointments with no complaining and things started to get better. I started losing weight and my baby’s growth rate slowed down to where she was on track for her age in the womb.

Another thing happened: I began to really realize how much I allowed the circumstances to mess with me during my pregnancy and how there was a lot of work that needed to be done within me spiritually. I know God but I started wondering, why is it so easy for me to forget what He has done when life gets messy? It came to me in watching a local preachers sermon: My trust in God is still limited! Ugh! I hate the sound of that but I realized that is exactly where I am. It’s hard to admit it but what have I always said: SELF HONESTY IS THE BEST HONESTY‼️ I shall get free! Yes, God has brought me a long way but I still have so much work to do! Let me let y’all in on a little secret I found out: IF YOU ARE NOT DEAD, GOD IS NOT DONE‼️ Don’t let fear of not looking like you “have it together” keep you from being honest with yourself and getting free!! So yes, I realized that while God has done some amazing work in me and I trust Him more than I did, I still need to learn to trust Him no matter the circumstances!! Especially with what was right around the corner….

Until part 3!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

Stressins on Lessons on Blessins: Part ONE!

I’m currently laying across my bed, listening to “Feels like Home, Vol. 1” by Israel & New Breed while my husband plays “Call of Duty” and MY 11 DAY OLD DAUGHTER sleeps next to me!🤯 It’s been a wild few months off and although I’ve enjoyed being a mommy to be and now an actual mommy – I’m so excited to jump back in to writing and talk about everything I’ve dealt with during my pregnancy and even in this short time after giving birth.

So, first off – pregnancy brain is no joke! I wrote a piece to let you guys know that I was taking a break during my pregnancy until God instructed me to come back and y’all – I forgot to post it!🤦🏽‍♀️ I did a video on Facebook but the post for the blog is still in my drafts and I’m just like, Thank You Lord for getting me through with all of my limbs and my house still in tact because I lost my brain several times during pregnancy!🤣

Secondly, guys – I am a MOMMY!!! Every time I think about it or look at my daughter, I am blown away by God and how what He promises will always happen, no matter how long it may take. For those who don’t know – I wrote a piece a couple of years ago called “A Childless Mother!” and the struggles I faced desiring to have a baby but feeling as though it wouldn’t happen for me! The key was doing it Gods way instead of my own way, which I know is all of our struggles at times. I’m just glad that I finally allowed God to move in my life because I could not have imagined He would bless me this much!

Now that we are all caught up on where I currently am – lets talk about the journey of pregnancy – well my pregnancy because no matter how much advice you get from other mommy’s, no matter how much research you do, there may be similarities but your pregnancy is very specific to you and that goes mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. So I found out I was pregnant, December 4th 2020. My husband and I hadn’t been trying but we did make the decision in October that I’d stop taking birth control (I needed to be on it for the hormones per my doctor) and in our mind – we expected to get pregnant around February ’21 or so – if at all, in my mind! (God probably is still laughing – I know my daughter just literally chuckled in her sleep😐 …) Any who, I had been feeling sick for a few weeks – really tired and nauseous. Despite having just those two symptoms, I was convinced I had COVID and my brain didn’t even really think that I might’ve been pregnant. After a few days of complaining, my husband came home with a pregnancy test – “Take this test! If you’re not pregnant, we’re going to the ER tonight!” I was so hesitant! I had been here before. Symptoms of pregnancy but the tests always came back “negative” and then, after pretending to be relieved or looking at everything still possible due to not being pregnant, internally, I’d be sad for days, questioning if the preacher told me right when he said that God was sending me my baby or if the dreams I had of me walking in the church with my daughter with a head full of black curly hair – hearing her, smelling her – if that was just all a dream that would never turn into a reality. Ugh! I don’t want to go through this again! I sat on the edge of the bed and looked in the bathroom. I watched my husband and then started to mindlessly scroll on my phone. I went to YouTube – can’t remember what for – but the featured video on my page was of a girl who found out she was pregnant, and weeks later lost the baby. My husband walked in at that moment and I looked up at him and told him what I saw and how I didn’t want to take the test. I began crying. He grabbed me up and hugged me. “No baby. We can’t do that. We are going to take this test and it’s going to be okay. What do I always tell you? What we can control, we do – what we can’t – we pray about.” So I made my way to the bathroom.

Opening the pregnancy test box felt like an outer body experience. Everything was in slow motion. My heart was in my kneecaps and I was trying my best to not cry. After laying the test on the counter to wait for the results – I heard my husband in the room moving stuff around and mindlessly, I looked down at the test and saw “PREGNANT.” “This is definitely not right,” I thought to myself, so I picked up the test to look at it CLOSELY! The word didn’t go away. PREGNANT. PREGNANT. “BABY! BABY! IT SAYS I AM PREGNANT.” as I walked to the room! Chris turned and looked at me and said “What?!” I said, “IT SAYS I AM PREGNANT! WE’RE PREGNANT BABY!” and I just busted into tears as Chris hugged me! That hug felt like it was a lifetime and man, just thinking about that moment, it’s still surreal! Fast forward to telling all of our family and friends – I was finally feeling like I was normal! Isn’t that crazy?! Not having a baby was out of my control but not having one always made me feel like I wasn’t a real woman. Like I wasn’t fully woman until I carried and delivered my own baby. So yeah, I was feeling normal. I was excited. My husband was excited. Our families and friends were excited. We were on the journey to parenthood!

How many know that when God sends your blessing that does not mean the fight is over but it’s just beginning?! It doesn’t matter if that fight is between you and the devil or you and yourself – there is a fight! I wish I would’ve been better prepared but honestly – I was soooooo googoogaagaa over the news, I don’t know how much good that would have done for me. So I went to the doctor – I was freshly pregnant! 5 weeks. Long time before the end of the first trimester! What did Kiesha start doing instead of praying? I started worrying! All I kept thinking was – “I gotta make it through the first trimester.” “The chance of miscarrying is higher during the 1st trimester.” “This is my first pregnancy.” “How good was I at holding my pee when I was younger? I remember the older mothers in the church saying that we wouldn’t be able to hold a baby if we couldn’t hold our pee!” Ridiculousness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thinking about it now and I am just like, I wasted too much time overthinking instead of just enjoying every single step of my pregnancy but whatevs! Hopefully, this will be of help to someone else so they don’t do what I did!

Off rip, the doctors called my pregnancy “high risk!” because I suffered from high blood pressure prior to pregnancy! They told me at 20 weeks, it was likely that I’d get preeclampsia. For those who don’t know – its when your BP becomes dangerously high to the point where it can be fatal for mommy and baby and the only way to stop it is to give birth! I was at risk for that at 20 weeks and we know that’s way too soon for a baby to be delivered! Another something to add to my “worry list!” I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again, its so crazy how a person can have such strong faith for everyone but themselves! Someone calls me and tells me about something they are in need of God doing and I trust and believe it’s gonna happen but when it comes to my own life – faith be hard to come by some days! LOL! It’s something I have to work on every day but yeah, faith was definitely difficult during my pregnancy because of all the odds stacked up against me – at least that I felt were stacked up against me. So I got high blood pressure! Then they come telling me that because of my age, I need to have a test done to rule out that my baby will have any disabilities such as down syndrome. The plan was the first test would tell me if I was in the range of it happening and if so, then I’d have to have another test done to confirm it either way! My mind was racing constantly!! Okay God! This is too much already!! SMH! So I got the first test done. My husband and I had been praying. Our families were praying. Our pastor was praying. So I kept telling myself that the results would tell me our baby was OK! There was nothing for me to worry about at all! I rehearsed it constantly in my mind. So we were at the laundry mat and I got a call from a number I didn’t recognize. I answered it and it was Miami Valley Maternal Fetal Medicine. The nurse proceeds to tell me that my results came back and I was in the percentile where my baby was at a higher risk to have a disability and that I will need the second test to confirm. The increase was only 1% and it was like he told me it was 100% because as I told my husband, I fought back the tears and was already defeated. All I kept thinking was – we are praying, so why are we here? Now before yall talk about me too bad – I know God is real! I know He has all power in His hands. I know there is nothing too hard for Him. The thing is, when something you’ve desired for so long, that you didn’t think you’d ever get is now at stake, that’s when extreme doubt usually appears. I spent my whole life knowing that I was destined to be a mother but spent so much time feeling like it wasn’t going to happen for me. I was the girl that would walk pass the mirror and hold my stomach pretending a baby was in there. Before my husband, I was that girl that would pray every single month that my period would not come. I WAS SCARED OUT OF MY MIND!!!! I was finally pregnant and I just kept hearing about all of the things that could go wrong! It was a LOT!

It came time for me to take the second test and it had to be sent to an out of state company so after I got my blood drawn – they told us it would be about 2 weeks before we got the results! The only good thing about taking this test was that they could tell us the sex of our baby early so I tried to focus on knowing the sex of the baby and the gender reveal!! Now fast forward to the two weeks being up. I got no call. I checked their website – results weren’t ready. I call my OB and they hadn’t heard anything either. 2 weeks of waiting was a lot so to not have the results yet was unacceptable! I called the company to get answers and after being transferred all around – I was told the results indeed were not back and they couldn’t tell me when they would be back! “It could be today – it could be a few more days! It’s just hard to tell for sure!” WHAT?!?! Do you realize I am a pregnant, worrier!! Like there is no way this is OK! I got off the phone and I was just done! I tried to get back to work and not completely lose it although it felt like an impossible task. After a few hours went by, I got a call from my OB and the nurse told me that the company faxed them paperwork back saying that the test was unable to be done because my blood sample was not sufficient and they needed me to go get my blood drawn again!! I was infuriated!!!!!!!!!!! My husband and I waited two weeks just to be told that the sample did not suffice!!!!!!! 2 weeks of worrying!! 2 weeks of wondering!! And you want me to go through that again!!! I told my husband what I had just found out and after a long discussion, we decided to not go through with it again! If it turned out our child did have a disability, we couldn’t stop it and we were going to love our child regardless so we weren’t going to put ourselves through that again! I felt better about not having to go through that again but that still left that unsettling feeling of the unknown. Was my baby going to be OK? At this point…. we wouldn’t know unless something happened to show up on an ultrasound or maybe not even til birth…….

PART TWO COMING SOON!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

I’m Soooooo Blessed!! Wait, Am I?

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Broken Beauts! I am so excited to be back!! My first love is this blog and even though it may seem like I’m far away – I’m really just going through stuff and gathering content to help you guys NOT make the same mistakes I have/am! Hahaha!! LBVS! Anywho! So I told you guys on the last piece that I am a newlywed and I am so excited, thankful and full of joy BUT does that stop the enemy from trying to attack me, my husband or our marriage? Absolutely NOT! His sole job is to steal, kill and destroy and he is so sneaky! A lot of people feel that the enemy’s job ends when God blesses us with what we need and even what we want – but that’s what the devil wants you to think! Let me explain why I say this….

I had to learn that the enemy cannot stop Gods plan! I mean, I don’t care how hard he tries and what he sends our way – he still cannot stop what God deems to be, and the killer is – he KNOWS this! But what he CAN steal is the joy out of our blessings – and in a sense he doesn’t even steal it because we don’t realize that we literally hand it over to him in a nice box with a pretty bow on it! You get the job you’ve always wanted – here comes drama taking the fun out of it – you start complaining and feeling like it was a mistake to have accepted the position and start looking for something else just to escape! You get that relationship you’ve desired for so long – here he comes dropping hints of insecurities, doubts and fears, making you question if its real and helping you self sabotage. I know because I went through this myself.

Probably two months after I got married – I got so sad! I was in a new place, surrounded by new people; I was feeling crazy insecure and emotional and I was just crying! I remember my husband asking me one day what was wrong and I just busted into tears, “I don’t know!” I didn’t realize it but I was allowing the enemy to steal the joy out of my blessing! It was Gods plan all along to bless me with this incredible life and husband and the enemy did all that he could to stop it but it didn’t work – so now his job was to take the goodness out of my blessing by tormenting my mind! I doubted everything! Feared everything! And was always on edge! Looking back on it now, I don’t understand how I couldn’t see it – but ain’t that how it always works! LOL! Seriously though, it was so evident! I had/have no reason to doubt anything! I had/have no reason to be insecure! I had/have no reason to be sad! But the enemy worked on my mind and got me to do all the above!

One of the things I’d say really helped open my eyes to what was going on is I was constantly praying & not just praying for it to end but praying kind of against myself; praying specifically about the smallest things I noticed about myself or that my husband would notice! I have said it from the beginning – the best honesty is SELF HONESTY – and sometimes it hurts to see the issues in ourselves or for our loved ones to see it but hiding behind it, making excuses or being in denial doesn’t do anything helpful for us! It didn’t always feel good but I took those things before My King and I prayed on them every single day and I didn’t just leave it there – I TRIED to actively fight them every day! I didn’t just say I was trying – its like when a situation presented itself God was like, “Pause for a minute, Kiesha and remember what you’re supposed to do not what you wanna do!” (Even today, He still does that for me! He’s so awesome, man! Ahhh!🥰) So in the moments where He’d remind me, I’d do my part even though sometimes it was against what I wanted to do.

So anywho, one day – God took it a step further. He told me simply to “Relax.” Relax God? Really? But that was one of the biggest things that I needed to do! I’ve suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember and I’m only anxious when I am overwhelmed, thinking too much and not allowing myself to simply be. As well as when I am not as in tuned in my relationship with God and with everything going on, I was always in a rush! Rush to clean up. Rush to make dinner. Rush to read my Word. Rush to go to church! Rush to get to work! Rush to get off of work! Rush to be perfect. Rush! Rush! Rush! A set up for the enemy to play his game in my mind! I wasn’t allowing myself to just BE in my blessing! I wasn’t allowing myself to enjoy my blessing! I was thinking about the changes. I was thinking about the future. I was thinking about all the differences in my life and how I wasn’t around everything and everyone I was used to being around! I was just THINKING, THINKING, THINKING!!! And the joy that God meant/means for me to have was being given to/stolen by the enemy by not doing exactly what God said to do, “Relax.”

Another thing God gave me was to be intentional! See the enemy hopes that he can catch us off guard but we can stop a lot of his attacks simply by being intentional. I started being intentional in enjoying my relationship and the goodness around me! I started taking in the moments more with God, my husband and even myself! I also did something a lot of people don’t realize hinders a lot in our lives and relationships: I started stepping away from my phone! Not just moments where my husband and I were spending quality time with each other or when it was time for me to spend time with God – no, I stepped away to just get away and disconnect; to allow my mind time to breathe and not think and not have the added weight of comparing myself to others or seeing the latest drama on my newsfeed – I even killed the urge to text people just to keep my phone from being dry. I got real ghost. There’s so many benefits from putting our phones down and just enjoying the moments around us – even if those moments are us by ourselves. Meditate. Take a nap. Go on a walk. Dance it out, Yang and Grey style; read a book. Do something that does not require your phone and then suppress the need to Instagram your quiet time. (🤦🏽‍♀️)

These may seem like they won’t make much of a difference but I promise you – these small steps helped me stop the enemy from taking the joy out of my blessings! Does he still try – of course; he’s dedicated to his job – he takes no sick time, or holiday paid time off & no vacations; he shows up to work early and is the last one to leave – he won’t give up! So with all of that being said – that means we cannot give up either! I know sometimes its exhausting – I know it feels as though you’re never done fighting and you never get to catch your breath but the Bible lets us know – there’s a time for everything so it won’t always be like this! That baby you prayed for – the wife you don’t feel you deserve – that pay increase you worked hard for – and anything else that God has blessed you with – stop allowing the enemy to steal your joy, making you forget what you prayed for and what God blessed you with! Stop allowing him to make you complain because things don’t go right all of the time, making you forget what you prayed for! Stop allowing him to make you compare yourself to everyone else, making you think you’re not where you should be or you’re falling behind – remember as long as you’re following God and doing what HE says, that you’re right where you need to be! Take a moment. Look at your blessing. Breathe it in. Close your eyes and remember how sometimes things get rocky and you complain – but then picture the blessing – focus on what you prayed for and imagine in an instant it being gone forever – tell me anything the enemy says or allows you to think is worth being without it forever! You can’t!!!! the enemy magnifies a situation like you’d be better without your spouse, or your children, etc. but just the thought of them being gone or you being in a worse position than you are in now SHOULD bring everything back in perspective. So anytime you want to complain – imagine and then Broken Beauts: Stop. Breathe. Relax.😌

I love yalllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!💕💕

With Broken Beautifullness,

Kiesh🦋💕

ME TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

OMGOSH!!!!!!!!!! How long has it been??? Months! Ugh! I MISSED YALL LIKE SO SO MUCH!!!! But one thing I always made clear is I would not write anything unless God directed me to! And finally…. He said, talk about this! So a lot has happened since the last post – I am married!!!!!!!! May 1st 2020 I married the most amazing man and love of my life!!! Its been almost 4 months and I am so thankful for him and his love even though I know I drive him crazy! LOL! But that’s another post for another day! hahahaha! Anywho, so by the title, you’re probs like, what is the girl about to talk about? Or is she referencing the “Me too” movement that took over the past couple years? Uh no. But I am going to talk about a movement that NEEDS to start heavily especially within the Christian community!

So I’ve been saved for like 6 years I believe! (Sue me, I can’t remember the actual date but I can tell you the details of the day if ya wanna know….🤷🏽‍♀️), moving on🙃; one of the things that I struggled with the most once I got saved is feeling like what I am going through is and has only happened to me! I felt like an alien; a fish out of water; a nomad in a foreign land – you get the point – but I felt like something was wrong with me because I had all of these feelings, desires and thoughts and I expected when I got saved – they’d go away and I wouldn’t have to continue to deal with them! I was soooooooooo wrong!!!! When I got saved this time, I really did it for me! I was really ready to surrender my will and my ways to God and when you get to the place that your only goal in life is to please God – you really want your thoughts, ways and actions to follow! But nobody told me that all of that would NOT come easy! No one told me that it would be a continuous fight of my flesh every single day – and I don’t mean “my flesh” as in sexual desires only but also in not wanting to knock somebody across they head when they talked to me crazy; or not wanting to go smooth off when someone disrespected me or someone I loved; or even battling and keeping my thoughts under subjection when they were acting UP! And man, my thoughts – Lord! All I can say is “God thank You for your help!” because them joints be bananas!!!!! LOL! But no one told me that these things are common to go through on this walk of Salvation! Everyone just gave me the basics! “Repent!” “Humble yourself!” “Resist the devil and he will flee!” “Draw nigh to God and He will draw nigh to you!” “Keep yourself!” “Love your neighbor as you love yourself!” Okay – but my neighbor isn’t treating me right like I would treat me so what do I do, sir? ma’am? Anybody? No? Alright.

So let me explain to you guys what I mean by “Me too” within the Christian community! On this walk, I have met some amazing people and in conversations we’ve had, I’ve learned that a lot of what I was and am facing, THEY WERE/ARE FACING TOO!!!!!!!!!!! Like it absolutely blew my mind when I realized that someone else battled not understanding why we couldn’t masterbate! (I told y’all, I’m gonna keep it a hunnit at all times sooooooooooo🤷🏽‍♀️) Or sharing that I used to watch porn heavily and someone opening up that they did the same thing! Or telling someone I was abused sexually as a child and that I would still blame myself sometimes as an adult and someone letting me know they suffer with that as well! Or realizing someone else battled constantly beating themselves up because they still didn’t feel worthy of Gods love or forgiveness! Or seeing that even though I am saved, I am still struggling with not so great mental health and someone else was able to say, “sis….. me toooooo!” Do you know the comfort and relief that I felt knowing that I was not alone? Knowing that just because I was going through these things, didn’t mean that I wasn’t saved or along the right path? Because seriously, I was struggling, man! I didn’t understand! Like God – “why isn’t this changing?” “why am I like this?” But God allowed me to get a sense of community and a safe place among others that were/are going through the same things that I was/am! Now, its not to say that we are going through these things and we accept them as OK! No! We have/are going through these things – KNOW THEY WERE/ARE WRONG – and want to be free from them but its hard because we would beat ourselves down thinking something was/is wrong because we still had these desires, thoughts, views, etc. – but seeing that someone else was battling those same things, provided assurance that “there is no temptation that is not common to man…”- it gave us more help to battle those things because we weren’t doing it alone and we had someone battling with us that understood what we were/are going through and that, my friend, is a gift!

See, I feel like in the Christian community we suffer with the idea that we are called to be perfect and make the world think that we are perfect – that we make no mistakes and that once we are saved, we got it figured out – but that’s false. it’s simply not true; its misleading; and its keeping a lot of people away and down because they feel like they have to be perfect too! Jesus didn’t call us to be perfect – we are striving for perfection! Meaning – we are not practicing sin but we do make mistakes. After all, we ARE human! You can be saved, filled with the Holy Ghost and still have to battle to have good mental health. We need to tell people that! Let me start – Whoever you are, reading this – first, I want to tell you that I LOVE YOU AND YOU MATTER!!! Next, whatever you are going through right now – you’re not a weirdo! someone, somewhere has gone through the same thing you are and you may have a relationship with God and love Him very much and you may still be suffering with low self esteem, depression, anxiety, fear, doubt, etc. – it does not mean something is wrong with you! You are human! I am praying for you! And God is there to help you through each of those feelings but don’t be afraid to share that you need help because it’s important to get it, with the right people! Ask God to direct you to a safe place where you can share all of those things without judgement and get the help and support that you need! Don’t be afraid to admit that you may not be where you want to be but be thankful that you’re not where you were! WE ALL HAVE WORK TO DO! Even that person that may be talking negatively about what you do and it seems like they have it all together – mhmmmm – they still need help too!💁🏽‍♀️ ME TOO‼️ I am not where I need to be and need help and guidance every single day!!! Regardless of how it looks on social media, at the church, in the grocery store – we are all battling and if we came together and admitted that and got with ONE ACCORD – oh the power that would fill the temple (temple as in US, individually and the Body of Christ)!

🗣WE NEED TO TALK SAINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we try to be too overly spiritual about everything! We need to be well rounded PEOPLE not just well rounded saints! We need to let people know that we’ve gone to church on Sunday and praised God and thoughts of suicide still came to our mind Monday morning! Don’t act like I am the only one! And even if y’all act like it, I ain’t trippin because I know and you know and we know ya know!😉 But people need to know that being saved does not equal perfect but it does equal a real effort… everyday!

Have you ever felt the comfort that I spoke of earlier? Knowing you’re battling something and hear someone tell you they are or have gone through the same thing – how good did that make you feel that you are not alone? I can tell y’all – it feels absolutely amazing, man! See that’s why God tells us to confess to each other – not just for accountability but for community! I need to know that I am not alone on this earth! I know God is with me always but God doesn’t mean for us to just go to Him! He wants me to have Him above everyone else but He knows – we need people! We need to connect! We need to be honest! Jesus calls us to love, unconditionally! In order to love – it has to be personable – it can’t be robotic! We need to bring real love back into our Christian community! Not calculated, feigned love but pure, personable love! We need to learn to not just read the Word together but learn each other and converse with one another! We’ve gotten too caught up in the look of being Christian instead of actually being a Christ-like Christian! “How you doing?” “Oh I am blessed and highly favored and God does all things well!” Well, all those things are true but you just balled in the car before you stepped into the church; you still got dried up tears on your cheek; so how about being real? What if God put you on that persons heart to ask you how you are doing so that you could get the release/breakthrough you need and you’re so busy trying to save face that you miss it? I ain’t saying broadcast your business with everyone (we are still called to be wise and discern) but I am saying don’t be afraid to be honest about your battles, thinking you are called to always be OK, because your honesty can open the door for a “me too!” moment and you’ll find you’re truly, not alone!❤️🙏🏽

Love y’all beyond!!!!!!!!!!!!!💖

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

 

 

 

Perfection….? Please. Part Two.

Hey yall heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! I’m back with part two! Glory and honor to God for the outpouring of support for my comeback in part one of “Perfection…..? Please.!” I am thankful that you guys were able to identify with me because after all, none of us want to feel alone in this thing!!! So I am extremely thankful that God has allowed me to be able to share things with you all so that you know that you’re not alone – you’re not weird for feeling/thinking certain things – you’re human and we are gonna be OK! (insert strong arm emoji here!)🤣

In the last post I gave you an update on where I am currently in my life and the struggles to overcome some heavy things that I dealt with in my past! So of course, I want to go over the things I did that helped me get to the point of understanding – it’s OK if I’m not perfect. It’s OK if everything around me isn’t perfect! It’s OK if everything I am connected to isn’t perfect! It’s OK! Now let me say this – although I am in a really good mental place in accepting this logic right now – this is something that I have to be INTENTIONAL about every single day! I’ve had this complex my whole life and if you think it goes away just like that – you’re not at all sane! LOL! But seriously! It does not go away overnight – it’s a process and you have to work at it every single day! Just like weight loss – you have to be intentional about meal planning. You have to be intentional in taking time to work out. You have to be intentional! (my new fav word in being a better human, btw.🤗) Okay – here we go – what I did/am doing!!

 

STEPS TO FORGETTING PERFECTION AND CELEBRATING IMPERFECTIONS!

  1. Acknowledge Him in all your ways.
    1. Okay – so people don’t really get how powerful this scripture is! I think sometimes we feel like there are certain things that are off limits when asking God for help! We limit our access to God and eventually our complete healing of things because we feel like this isn’t big enough for God or this isn’t about anything spiritual so it’s not His department! Can I let you in on a little secret? EVERYTHING IS HIS DEPARTMENT! He specializes in everything! I have to get better about certain things as well! I have a headache – it’s too small for Him! I’m feeling just “blah” today – nothing to worry God about! NO! He’s there – ready and willing to take everything you’re carrying on Himself! (1 Peter 5:7 “Casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you.) We have to stop limiting God and just let Him be… GOD!!! So that’s what I did. I told God – “I NEED YOUR HELP IN THIS BATTLE!!!! I CANNOT DO IT ON MY OWN AND I DON’T WANT TO DO IT ON MY OWN! I NEED YOU TO KEEP REMINDING ME THAT I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT. THAT YOU MADE ME AND YOU MAKE NO MISTAKES!” I continue this prayer like every day!
  2. I removed (unfollowed, stop viewing/listening) to things that made me feel like I needed to be perfect!
    1. Social media can be wonderful tool if used correctly! I can’t speak for anyone else but myself and sometimes the people I followed on Instagram or even just saw on social media made me feel like there was something wrong me! “How are they always perfect! Every hair is in place. I can’t see one pore. They always have it together!” So, I made myself take a break from all of that “perfection” and focus on what the truth was instead of reviewing a lie over and over again! How many of us upload a picture where we look absolutely nuts? How many people would post that today they felt fat in the pants they had on a week ago and felt their best self in? How many would say that before they got on live they were in tears because they felt their family didn’t love and support them? We rarely share those ugly moments to the world – celebrities included! You don’t hear about their breakups usually until months later, all the while, they’ve been posting looking happy as ever while their heart was secretly breaking! I had to process that! We’re all human! We’re all battling something and while I’m looking at them thinking they had it all together, they’re wishing they had what I have! (not me in particular – you get it, right? OK. Good.) See, we change our hair, outfits, nails, etc. for what everyone says is good/perfect instead of looking into ourselves seeing that we are already perfection because we are us…. Originally. I know that sounds cliché but it’s absolutely truth! Our perfection comes in being unapologetically who we are – imperfectly perfect! I look at myself. I could have a tighter stomach. Smaller feet. Better skin. I could – but I don’t! But when I wake up every day – I don’t look in the mirror and see something wrong with it but when I would get on social media, I’d see someone with a tighter stomach or smaller feet or better skin and then all of a sudden, I’m focusing on my imperfections! WHY?!?!?!?! Who said I have to have those things to be OK! Society. The bullies from school. Ex boyfriends. All of whom – DON’T MATTER IN MY STORY!! Not one time have I walked in to see my fiancé and he said, baby you’d be so much more beautiful if you didn’t have that blotch on the right side of your face! Not one time have I gotten dressed up and put on my heels and thought, man my foot doesn’t look good in these 9 1/2s – I better stay home! So why allow a tool that practically only shows people at their very best make me feel insecure about Kiesha? So, I took a break from social media every day and got more intimate with me! I studied myself naked! (Insert gasp here, Saints!)🤣 I stood in the mirror and just looked at me! Instead of focusing on the things that I didn’t necessarily like, I focused on the things I did! And then those things that I didn’t – which as I’ve expressed before – is basically just my stomach, I started working to change! Why complain about something I CAN change! I started eating cleaner and working out! We can’t change our height. Skin complexion. Eyes etc. so why not love what’s uniquely yours instead of envying/comparing yours to someone else! Why do we do this to ourselves! Can I tell you something?? YOU ARE SO LIT! Your eyes! Your hair! Your smile! YOU!! Go look in the mirror and find something you love about you and say it to yourself! (When you find that thing, go on your social media platform and POST IT AND CELEBRATE IT FOR YOURSELF!!! Tag “Wearebrokenbeautifully” so we can celebrate you too!!!💕💕) Focus on that! And if you find something you don’t like that you CAN change, work at changing it! If you can’t change it – ask God (step one) to help you fall in love with that very thing that HE gave to you! Don’t stop asking HIM and don’t stop celebrating you! Speak it EVERYDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Proverbs 18:21 “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.”)
  3. Find pleasure in the smallest things (Repeat: “it’s OK!”)
    1. If you’re like me, you plan things out down to the last detail and if it doesn’t go as plan, it was a lost cause!! I had such a bad habit of this! Ugh!!! I’d try to talk myself out of being upset but I put so much pressure on me or the plans that I couldn’t help but bursting into tears! So, if things seemed like they weren’t going to go according to plan, I tried to find something good in the alternative plans and told myself, “It’s OK!” – the “it’s OK” is so powerful! It’s saying that even if it’s not perfect, there’s something about it that makes it OK! You just have to change your perspective to see it!! With everything going on with the COVID19 – there is a chance that we won’t be able to celebrate our union with all of our family and friends as planned! That sucks! I want them all there for our special moment! But I had to change my perspective! Yes! That is a possibility but it’s OK because that means our elderly family and friends will be safe; we’ll likely save money due to it being scaled way down but we’ll be able to plan a big party to celebrate with everyone at a later time and I’ll be walking away with an awesome man as my husband! Believe me! It’s OK, Kiesh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perspective. Changed. Find the good in the situation instead of magnifying the bad or imperfect!!! It really makes a difference in your mood as well as those around you because you’ll be essentially bringing them down with your bad vibes on whatever is going on!!
  1. BE THANKFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    1. This is the MOST important step of all next to step one! When you take the time to be more thankful to who you are, how you look and everything going on around you – you tend to not complain/dwell on imperfections as much! I started thinking about how I looked before I learned how to take care of myself from the inside out! I thought about how I didn’t know God for myself or what it felt like to be loved by Him or what it felt like to love Him for myself! I thought about how I didn’t know how to love anyone including myself until God came into my life. I thought about how I was trapped in a bad, abusive relationship for 5 years. I thought about how I was surrounded by people who claimed to be my friends but proved to be straight FUGAZI!!!! (fake or damaged beyond repair, for those who don’t know 😊) And now that I’ve given my life over to God, He’s cleaned me up from the inside out – restored my skin and I now look younger than I did 5 years ago! I fell in love with Him and it taught me how to love myself and others the right way! He blessed me with the most amazing, loving, funny, hubby to be, that exceeds every dream I ever had of who my husband would be one day and He has given me the most amazing, loving, funny, uplifting, supportive circle of friends that I only dreamed of having! I am blessed! Why am I worried or complaining about what someone else has when I am BEYOND BLESSED! How would I feel if I woke up and suddenly all the things I listed were gone? I’d be heartbroken! I don’t like the size of my foot – what if I woke up and only had one foot? Or no feet? What if I was the size I was 5 years ago – unhappy and overeating to feel comfort? Oh NO! I redirected my focus! So, I’ve started speaking thankfulness over what I have now instead of waiting to celebrate it (at the perfect moment) and celebrating me! I am learning to celebrate every day and, in all things, because this is what God has blessed me with! I want to take care of my blessings because without them, I’d be a sad, sad woman! 😔 BE THANKFUL! Be intentionally thankful! Look at everything around you – in all its imperfection and think about how you’d feel if it was worse or gone! How would you feel? I bet not too good! So, don’t complain or wish for something else – be thankful for it and if it’s something you can change that will make things better – change it!!!! But be INTENTIONAL in all you do!! Remember, nothing is perfect except for pizza and you’re not pizza, right? Right.😜

 

I love you guys so much! Thank you for letting me be me (as if it would be any other way regardless though 😉)

 

With Broken Beautifulness,

 

Kiesh💕

Perfection….? Please. Part One.

 

Wow! It’s been a while since God has led me to write a post and can I say, I’ve missed it!!!! However, one thing I promised myself and God when He gave me this vision – I wouldn’t do this my way but His!! I can’t give anyone anything while God is working on me! He’s the potter and I am the clay! This season that I’ve been in – it’s been so uncomfortable! It’s been trying! It’s been hard! It’s been overwhelming! It’s been exhausting! But man has it been exhilarating! It’s been eye opening! It’s been beautiful!!! God showed me some things that I have been hiding since before I was old enough to understand what hiding was! Things I didn’t know ever bothered me – came to surface! I’ve asked Him to show me myself so that He can fix me, and I’ve been completely naked before Him! Although it’s sometimes been extremely hard to come to terms with some things that I had to face – I am extremely grateful that God loves me enough to show me myself so that I can get better in Him! There are so many people every day struggling, and they don’t know why – they point fingers at everyone else! “it’s my mom!” “my ex-boyfriend” “my so-called BFF!” “The worker at the grocery store…” but sometimes you have to sit back and realize… No. It’s YOU! Sometimes the hidden things can cause behavior that you don’t even realize is connected to something buried deep within you! That’s what God showed me! Ki, it’s you! You still have some things you have not faced that need to be fixed so that you can grow and go into this next season with no baggage!!

Now for those of you that don’t know – this next season is a big one! On November 30, 2019 in front of some of my closest friends and family, the most amazing man asked me to be his wife; and after cheers, tears, and shock…. I, of course, said YES! And in NINETY-NINE DAYS, Lord bless, we will say our “I DO’s!” and begin our journey as one! So of course, reality set in! You know us girls – this is the moment we dream of our whole lives!!! And it came and it was not at all like I expected! Why you ask? Because reality set in! God had to make me realize…. After the wedding, you have a whole marriage that will have to be taken care of EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!!!! Now, I am not marrying just any kind of man! I am marrying a SAVED man. A preacher. 😐 (insert fear here!!) Although I didn’t realize it at the time, my grandmother taught me a lot about being married to a preacher (my grandfather) all of my life by the experiences she discussed with me privately and during Sunday school class! One thing I KNOW – marrying a preacher is not an easy task and I’ve heard that from MULTIPLE preachers’ wives!! It requires so much strength. Patience. Endurance. Obedience. Love. And most of all: HUMBLENESS! This meant, I had to really prepare myself to not just be a wife but be the wife that my husband will need to do the work God has called him to do! On top of that – God has called me to a ministry of uplifting and helping women, so I have to balance being a Wife. A mother (when we’re ready). Support my husband in his full-time ministry. Work on my full-time ministry. Work a full-time job. Make sure dinner is on the table every night and look good while doing it!?!?! JESUS HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did I get scared? I know I can do these things, right? Why are you worried??? Because. It’s not about making sure I do all these things – my fear was doing all of these things and not be perfect in EVERY. SINGLE. CATERGORY. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!

I don’t know if you suffer with the idea of perfection! Me. I’ve suffered with it my entire life! I felt that I had to be perfect to get friends. I had to be perfect for a man to love me. I had to be perfect for God to use me. Perfection! Ugh! It completely consumed my entire life! I have found myself posing in general, everyday life so if someone glanced at me, they’d think “wow. Look at her perfectly arched back and pointed toe. Her profile is so beautiful.” – don’t laugh! (okay, I understand if you do!) but seriously! I could never be found NOT in perfect condition! I used to wear makeup EVERY day because the idea of showing an imperfection was scary to me! Take pictures – oh I’m standing wrong, delete it because everything isn’t lined up! Staying in the mirror to fix one piece of hair that isn’t laying correctly! I can’t come to God until I have the appearance of having it all together because He won’t want me like this, right? UGH! UGH! UGH! It was exhausting!

You may wonder – what started this idea of you having to be perfect? Well – my dad was never there – it must be because I wasn’t perfect right? I was molested at a young age – why? Maybe I didn’t act like a good girl or I did something not childlike that made him feel like it was OK to do that?? Never had a lot of female friends – is it because I’m a tom boy? Or I’m not girly enough for them to like me?? Every time a problem happened in my life, I blamed myself! (I’ve explained this before but heyyyyyyy newbies!) Something was wrong with the way I talked, looked, acted, something! It was me! Now I know – that was the devil all along – he hoped that I’d spend the rest of my life in that unhealthy cycle (BUT GOD! We’ll talk about that later) Sidebar: It is so important that when they are YOUNG, speak life into your children! Talk to them! Love on them! Teach them to do the same!!! Don’t wait until the adult problems come to treat the problems that started as child! It’s much, much harder then!!! Okay, so yeah – I always pointed the finger at me even when it was clear that I wasn’t to blame! It had to do with somehow, I wasn’t perfect enough!

So, this idea of being perfection started to taint the process of planning my wedding! The first couple things we did in regards to the wedding, I ended up being in tears! Why? Because they didn’t go as I had planned them in my mind! My mind would absolutely leave no room for error! If there was the slightest hiccup, I felt it didn’t go well instead of enjoying those bits of imperfection because you know what those are called?? LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was so focused on perfection I wasn’t enjoying the smiles around me of the people that loved me and that I loved the most! I was just in my head – beating myself up or holding back tears trying to pretend like I’m enjoying myself! Ugh! SO MISERABLE!!!!!!

I had a talk with my fiancé! “baby! You’re struggling with wanting everything to be perfect and it’s not going to be! Stuff is going to happen! And it’s OK!” I felt better! Then my auntie booboo had a convo with me as well! “Kiesha! You have to get over this idea of perfection; everything doesn’t have to be perfect!” Then here comes my Buddha (my uncle Jon) – “Niece! Everything is going to be OK! You gotta know that and believe that! We got you! God got you! You gotta go in that room and pray and give it all over to God! Stop worrying!” My best friend, “It’s OK! No matter what, It’s OK! We both struggle with perfection, but we have to remember, it’s OK!” OK! It’s clicking! It’s really clicking! But I am still struggling because this thought process is something, I’ve had FOREVER, so it’s a one day a time a time type of thing!

I had to start to reexamine myself! The root of my fear of not being perfect was this: if I am not perfect and if everything connected to me isn’t perfect, I’ll end up alone! But with those 4 people on top of God – a light went off over my head: I’ve NEVER been perfect and look at who is surrounding me!?!?! I had God – numero uno! And He KNOWS that I am not perfect but yet, everyday – He’s right by my side forgiving me, loving me, teaching me! I had an amazing fiancĂŠ who knows I’m not perfect but has made the commitment to spend forever with me and all he asks is for me to be me and to make sure his onions on his steak are golden brown & crispy – but not burnt! 😊 I have my amazing aunt and uncle who took me in when I lost my home and love me and help me every single day despite my flaws! My best friend who will call just to see my face and tell me how much he loves me and how pretty I am! They know I’m not perfect! I have several close girlfriends who know me know me and they still love me and check on me and are ready to be there for whatever I need – they’re here and know I’m not perfect!!! I have family, church family and friends – they love me and know I’m not perfect! KIESH! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so caught up in the lie that I couldn’t see the truth in front of me!

 

Stay tuned for part two!

 

With Broken Beautifulness –

Kiesh💕

FEELINGS! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! FEELINGS! PART 1!

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll! How long has it been?!? Seems like FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! Ya’ll I’m going to be honest – I’ve been absolutely going through it!!! Dealing with the loss of my uncle, PTSD from the tornado which caused me to lose my car AND home on top of all the daily stresses this life seems to bring….. LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I’ll get into that in detail at a later time because I got something cooking so I don’t want to give anything away! However, some of what God has been allowing me to learn and relearn these past few months is what I’m dropping in this post!!!! So let’s just jump right in, shall we?!?!?! It might be all over the place because feelings be trippin😩🤦🏽‍♀️ but stick with me – there is a point!

So…. first off….. why is life so hard, bruh? Omgosh!!!! I was telling a friend – I feel like I’ve been fighting my WHOLE life and these past few months had me soooooooooooooooooooo emotional and at times overwhelmed but man, I am so thankful for God and the people He has around me because without that combo, I feel like I would have gone crazy with stressing and just at times even BEING! Whoooo! So one day I was reading my devotional and just really trying to get my mind back to a space where I’m like, “Okay God – here! This. this. and that is for You. I cannot deal with ANY of it.” and one of the things that was on my mind at the time was the feelings of never feeling like I am enough or feeling as though I have to do more than the average person to just be normal, worthy, etc. This is something I’ve gotten better at as God has come into my life but something I battle with at times! The fear of feeling “less than” come paralyze you in ways that are surprising to even you and from the beginning I’ve always felt like something was wrong with me. Like for starters, “where is my dad? why he ain’t stick around? must be something wrong with me.” or “oh those girls don’t want to be my friend? they want to bully me and talk about me? ugh! must be me.” and even, “he cheated on me. he grabbed me by the throat. he abused me. – here we go again, it’s me – I did something to deserve this!” I have had a nasty habit of allowing others and making myself feel less than as well as accepting full blame in all situations even when I’m smart enough to see that what someone was doing to me was wrong but in my mind and heart – the root of it was because it was me! I’ve told ya’ll this before, I’m sure but if not – this where we at, OK? Okay. So, I’ve definitely realized my worth and learned that it’s NOT okay to be mistreated in any way regardless of the relational ties BUT how many know that the devil will always try to suck you back into an old frame of mind once you feel like you’ve finally overcome it???? 🙋🏽‍♀️ he may lay off that thing for a while but just when you skipping through sunshine and rainbows, he’ll sneak up on you dropping those thoughts in your mind to trap you mentally and ultimately physically, emotionally and spiritually! This is why it’s so important to have a prayer life (when things are going good AND bad), time in your Word and people you KNOW are PRAYING for you and not PREYING on you! Okkkkuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!💁🏽‍♀️

Now, the part that got my attention in this devotional was this line, “you don’t need to create the light – just simply receive the light ——- you are enough!” I sat there kind of in a daze! Like you know you’ll hear something 35 times and then on the 36th time it clicks in your mind like, “😳ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I GET IT!” Yeah, that’s how this was!!! See I hear people saying – “oh my gosh, you’re glowing!” “God is so evident in your life!” “I can’t even imagine you that way you say you used to be!” – you hear these awesome, amazing things about yourself but somehow they are drowned out at times by the negativity around you and the LIES OF THE enemy! “You’re not worthy of God’s blessings.” “He can’t use you!” “Remember what you did??” AHHHHH! So my question is, why is the negative so heavy on us and the positive remains skinTy???? Because if we’re being honest (remember SELF HONESTY IS THE BEST HONESTY👀), most of us will believe the negative about ourselves or even the lies the enemy will drop in our mind than we will the positive because it’s just easier to believe! You tell an intelligent, beautiful hardworking single woman that she will one day meet an amazing man who will love, respect and honor her as she’s always desired and I guarantee you’ll see a look of uncertainty on her face even if she says she “receives it!” Or you tell a young, black man in an underprivileged neighborhood that if he works hard and goes to school that he’ll one day have the career, family and life he wants without selling drugs, etc. – you’ll probably get a “yeah iight.” type response! This mind frame is because we’re thinking beneath us because we focus on our ability or the circumstances around us instead of our BIG GOD and the blessings He has, can and WILL provide for us! But wait…. there’s more!!! Then we try to do it ourselves and we end up disappointed because of how things turn out because we aren’t leaning on who we’re supposed to lean on….GOD! This mindset is also because we honestly lack FAITH at times!!! Faith doesn’t have to see it but will still allow you to believe that greater is coming!!! Sometimes I think we’ve gotten so spoiled and we’re just used to God throwing blessings that when He has to take His time on a blessing and we’re not ready for it – we pout and try to do it ourselves and complain and all those shenanigans instead of just staying prayerful and remembering that God is NOT slack concerning His promises! If He said… you can count on it! We just have to stay faithful and prayerful even when it gets rough and there is no light in sight!

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve put things into my own hands; planned it all out just to have it KABOOM all in my face!!!! Because I was always so used to doing things myself (when I didn’t have to because God was there then just waiting but anywhoo…), it’s sometimes easy to slip into that habit (thank God He checks me before I have a chance to make a mess of things!) but when I truly give it to Him – it may not work out how I expected it to work out but it works out perfectly! So I’ve had to keep reminding myself when the enemy tries to bring negative thoughts, etc. to my mind – my light shines bright because the SON is all around me! It’s not in me or what I do but it IS in me submitting my life, my thoughts, my WHOLE self to Jesus and allowing Him to truly work in me and through me! Don’t get me wrong – in some things, it’s easier said than done but as you do it, it truly does get easier; especially when you’re constantly in prayer, fasting and reading the Word! I am not selling anyone a dream! Listen! I’ve tried the product and it works!!! JESUS TRULY DOES WORK!!!!!! Like, people are so afraid to give Him a try and that’s what gives me my drive to get beyond myself (because sometimes I doubt myself…. ya’ll pray my strength – I am human but I am getting better) and talk about what He’s done for me because if you KNEW me then you KNOW that Jesus saves. delivers. set frees. restores. revives. refreshes. AND renews because I wasn’t a hot mess – I was THEE hot mess… BUT GOD!! But I also want to show that even though He has changed me – it ain’t easy street! I still have battles just like everyone else but the difference is God lightens my load…. when I’m smart enough to give it to Him!!…..

Okay….. so I got a LOT more to say – a little more detailed BUT I gotta break it up for yall!! See ya next time!!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕