Scars to Beauty Marks!

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Part One:

“The Breakup”

I remember feeling as if I couldn’t breathe my next breath because of the amount of pain weighing on my heart, mind and soul at the EXACT same time. I couldn’t ask the famous question we all ask ourselves when pain comes, “how did I get here?” because truth is, I knew exactly how I got there and I think we all know; it’s just a matter if we admit it to ourselves or not but that’s another topic for another day. Anywho, there I was…in the apartment I shared with him for the last 5 years. Every tear on the stained carpet. Every fight on the paint peeled wall. All the laughs in the dim lighted kitchen. All the love in our dark bedroom. All of it, hitting me on every side of my almost lifeless body. I walked into my bathroom – I looked in the mirror; no energy, eyes already bloodshot from crying, 12 lbs. lighter in just 8 days because I wasn’t eating and I cried the ugliest cry I think anyone has ever cried – yes, even the famous Kim Kardashian cry! There I was, alone, looking at myself in my grey t-shirt, hair in thick braids, barefaced and crying because I thought I had lost everything I had fought for, for so long. I stood there and saw who I had allowed myself to become. It wasn’t just a relationship ending. It was the past 30 years of my life; every painful memory and word that I heard and remembered; every heart break; every time I was told I was ugly or fat or would never be anything; the things I told myself, “you’re not good enough!” “you’re nothing!” “you’re second best, IF THAT!” – all of it came into me and I was completely disgusted with myself. I had been wasting the life God had blessed me with and allowed the things people said, done to and thought about me to completely consume me and here I was, miserable. Powerless. Alone. Afraid. LOST! How am I supposed to go on? Who am I really? What is my next step? I had no idea. No clue. I could not be comforted. “You’re better without him!” “You’ll find someone better!” “You’ll be fine, just give it time!” Although the words were kind and appropriate, they weren’t what I needed. The only thing I knew down in my soul is that the only person who could help me even a little bit, was God. In that moment, I told God, “I cannot live like this! You have to take it!” I went into my bedroom and got back in the bed…. covers over my head and I went to sleep.

The next day came and I still didn’t feel okay. I was still sad. I still felt miserable. I still felt the pain. But I ate. Thank God for that. It’s not like I had money in the bank so I had to get my butt up and go to work every day – smile when necessary and cry my eyes out when at my desk, quickly wiping away tears as they fell so no one would see.  The thoughts of that night replaying continually in my mind. Thinking of all the tears and exchange of words but mostly, thinking of how I begged him to stay. Yes, I begged that man! Pleaded with him not to leave me. (Thinking of it now, makes me wanna go toe to toe with my own self. Ugh!) But yes, I was practically on my knees pleading with him to stay because I just knew that if he stayed, he’d see being with me was the best thing for him but I was so used to being forgotten about, I forgot myself. What about what was best for Kiesha? Remember her? See everyone tells you treat others as you want to be treated, not realizing that people like myself, “givers”, focus so much on giving to others the love that is so deep inside of them, that they lose themselves in the process. Isn’t that something to think about? How we can be loving someone with everything in us but forget to love ourselves? We ask them if they’ve eaten anything and we’ve only had two grapes and a stick of gum. Crazy, huh? But that’s what I did. I wanted to love someone, anyone so much and I thought me loving hard would automatically make someone love me but that’s wasn’t and is not the case. That’s why it is SO IMPORTANT, for everyone to start loving themselves FIRST! So that when pain, heartache, loneliness, etc. comes – you will still know how to take care of you! I don’t know how I allowed myself to lose that message or if it is a message that I ever had but there I was. (Okay, this sounds so sad & depressing so I’m gonna skip ahead a bit and give you a little hope though….. I found my love for myself and you WILL too! 🙂 But let’s get back to how GOD turned these very real, deep SCARS into BEAUTY MARKS!)

So here I was, fresh out of a 5-year relationship and not having a clue who I was or what I wanted except, I knew I wanted and needed to be closer to God! I packed up the apartment that had become my safe haven and war zone all at the same time and I moved to a newer apartment and was ready for a fresh start. I’ve always been a private person so I didn’t talk a lot to people but I started to open myself up a bit more to God. Reading my Bible… daily devotions and praying were like fresh air to me! It was the only time I felt safe with myself. Dying to call or text him. Wishing he’d call or text me and tell me it was all a mistake, that he’s so sorry and beg me to take him back and then we could go to City Hall and get married immediately! But that call or text never came. And I was a mess and completely vulnerable but when I read my Bible and prayed, I became so lost in the Words on the pages and the security I began to feel after prayer so I just kept going. I was always afraid to live by myself – being inside 4 walls with no one talking to you physically, seemed like the strangest and scariest thing to me but I knew this was the only option I had and I could either learn to live or just die internally. So, I decided to live! Like, I HAVE to live!!!! Come on now Kiesh! You can’t give up now! You gotta figure this thing out… somehow, some way! So, Bible study at our church was my newest safe haven – I was scared of my apartment at this time, LOL! – so Tuesday nights I felt like I hit the lottery. I couldn’t get to church fast enough! I literally felt at complete peace, walking through those doors even though I knew the lesson could possibly touch on what I was going through and that meant… emotional Kiesha was gonna make an appearance. GAHHHHHHHHHH! She can be so annoying! What I didn’t realize is that emotional Kiesha was part of the key to my freedom! Sometimes, we are taught to hold in our tears. “Be strong.” “You got this!” “Don’t let anyone see you sweat!” We don’t realize that we are suppressing our feelings! That’s not good because that teaches us that what we are feeling needs to be hid and isn’t important but our feelings matter! Let me say that again for the people in the back…. OUR FEELINGS MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOUR FEELINGS MATTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We don’t have to hold anything in. We weren’t given emotions to hide them – it’s necessary to express how you feel and sometimes you just need to cry! Walk away from your desk. Go outside. Have a good cry. GET IT OUT! Don’t leave it inside of you because it will eat away at you and then you’ll do what I did: have 30 years of emotions bottled up, losing yourself and forgetting your dreams, breakup with your “fiancé” causing you to have a complete emotional breakdown in your WACK apartment! Okay, so back to Bible study…. Emotional Kiesha came out SEVERAL times! Ugh! But as I said, that was helping me and I didn’t even know it! So, every day, I would read, pray, and then God blessed my mind to see that this new apartment was MINE! One thing I always wanted to do in my old apartment was decorate because it was my first real adult apartment. He showed me a blank canvas – it’s like He was saying, “Make it yours!” So, work, prayer, read my Bible and decorate or buy things to decorate was my agenda! My days were still hard sometimes – especially with my nieces; they were 5 going on 6 and 3 going on 4 at the time and came over all the time and they are kids – they don’t know hearing his name would hurt my soul and take my mind through a memory filled emotional rollercoaster that made me feel like I was going to throw up and pass out all at the same time. So, every weekend, here they go: “where is he?” “I miss him.” “Why isn’t he here?” “he used to swing me around!” “why is he living with his dad?” and I’m just like… you know what, I’m tired of the questions and I just told them “because he didn’t wanna marry me and I didn’t wanna be a girlfriend anymore because I love God!” WOW! I just said that to a 5 and 3-year-old! Not in a mean way but I was just…. Honest. And you know what – honesty IS the best policy! And guess what, they understood as best they could. Sure, they still missed him, he was there for all their life but they wanted TiTi to be married so she could have babies so to them it made perfect sense! When I gave my life back to the Lord we stopped being intimate, I was tired of shackin’ up! I needed to be in good standing with myself and God! I’d given him 5 years of dedication and love – this wasn’t gonna stop; if he didn’t wanna marry me now, he’d never marry me! I was honest with myself and stood my ground of what I wanted and felt I deserved.

Anywho, work, reading, prayer, decorate and repeat! Working and decorating, I was there but my mind was still all over the place but when I was reading my Bible and praying – oh, I was all there. I cried. I laughed. I paced. I asked questions. I cried some more. I became so dedicated. It was amazing to me the strength He was giving me… it still wasn’t always easy but it was getting a little better. Then – the wind got completely knocked out of me. On April 21st 2017, almost two months after my gut wrenching break up, after shortly dropping my 5-year-old niece off, I was in a major car accident and totaled my car! Never had I ever been in one – I can close my eyes now and still see and feel the car spinning around in the air yet all I could say was “Jesus!” – calmly and expectantly I called HIS name! Thanks be to My King, I walked away sore and with a really bad seatbelt burn across my chest; the other person, he was hurt a little more but thank God, he also survived. I remember laying in the hospital bed and God letting me know clearly – the enemy is trying to kill you Kiesha! He tried emotionally. Now he was trying physically. He didn’t say anything audibly, but I felt Him in my room and it’s like He just let me know in my spirit and it made me want to lock in on God even more. I remember my uncle walking in and all I could tell him is “he tried to take me out! But I’m not giving up!” and I held on to that! I knew in real life, the only thing I had in my life that would remain solid was God…. It was more than a breakup. It was more than a man. This hurt ran deep and although I took steps that pushed me into the path that I was currently in… God was right by me, making sure every broken piece of my heart that was falling along the way, was picked up and stored for remolding and reshaping so He alone could put me back together. I made mistakes. I loved the wrong man. I said “yes” when it should have been “no!” I forgot my worth or perhaps never even knew my worth. Yet, that did not stop God from setting up a plan to have me Broken, Beautifully. Do you know what that means? It means ever so gently. Carefully. Patiently. Lovingly. He slowly allowed me to lose the things that I had so much faith in so He could isolate me and show me that my trust should only remain in Him. He didn’t want to see me cry – He felt every tear that fell from chubby cheeked face but He needed me to see that I was lost and sometimes God needs to strip us of everything we think we want, so He can truly give us EVERYTHING we NEED! The breakup wasn’t my end but my beginning…. It just took me some time to realize it.

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

Part Two – coming soon.

FEELINGS! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! FEELINGS! PART 1!

Welllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll! How long has it been?!? Seems like FOREVER!!!!!!!!!! Ya’ll I’m going to be honest – I’ve been absolutely going through it!!! Dealing with the loss of my uncle, PTSD from the tornado which caused me to lose my car AND home on top of all the daily stresses this life seems to bring….. LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I’ll get into that in detail at a later time because I got something cooking so I don’t want to give anything away! However, some of what God has been allowing me to learn and relearn these past few months is what I’m dropping in this post!!!! So let’s just jump right in, shall we?!?!?! It might be all over the place because feelings be trippin😩🤦🏽‍♀️ but stick with me – there is a point!

So…. first off….. why is life so hard, bruh? Omgosh!!!! I was telling a friend – I feel like I’ve been fighting my WHOLE life and these past few months had me soooooooooooooooooooo emotional and at times overwhelmed but man, I am so thankful for God and the people He has around me because without that combo, I feel like I would have gone crazy with stressing and just at times even BEING! Whoooo! So one day I was reading my devotional and just really trying to get my mind back to a space where I’m like, “Okay God – here! This. this. and that is for You. I cannot deal with ANY of it.” and one of the things that was on my mind at the time was the feelings of never feeling like I am enough or feeling as though I have to do more than the average person to just be normal, worthy, etc. This is something I’ve gotten better at as God has come into my life but something I battle with at times! The fear of feeling “less than” come paralyze you in ways that are surprising to even you and from the beginning I’ve always felt like something was wrong with me. Like for starters, “where is my dad? why he ain’t stick around? must be something wrong with me.” or “oh those girls don’t want to be my friend? they want to bully me and talk about me? ugh! must be me.” and even, “he cheated on me. he grabbed me by the throat. he abused me. – here we go again, it’s me – I did something to deserve this!” I have had a nasty habit of allowing others and making myself feel less than as well as accepting full blame in all situations even when I’m smart enough to see that what someone was doing to me was wrong but in my mind and heart – the root of it was because it was me! I’ve told ya’ll this before, I’m sure but if not – this where we at, OK? Okay. So, I’ve definitely realized my worth and learned that it’s NOT okay to be mistreated in any way regardless of the relational ties BUT how many know that the devil will always try to suck you back into an old frame of mind once you feel like you’ve finally overcome it???? 🙋🏽‍♀️ he may lay off that thing for a while but just when you skipping through sunshine and rainbows, he’ll sneak up on you dropping those thoughts in your mind to trap you mentally and ultimately physically, emotionally and spiritually! This is why it’s so important to have a prayer life (when things are going good AND bad), time in your Word and people you KNOW are PRAYING for you and not PREYING on you! Okkkkuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!💁🏽‍♀️

Now, the part that got my attention in this devotional was this line, “you don’t need to create the light – just simply receive the light ——- you are enough!” I sat there kind of in a daze! Like you know you’ll hear something 35 times and then on the 36th time it clicks in your mind like, “😳ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I GET IT!” Yeah, that’s how this was!!! See I hear people saying – “oh my gosh, you’re glowing!” “God is so evident in your life!” “I can’t even imagine you that way you say you used to be!” – you hear these awesome, amazing things about yourself but somehow they are drowned out at times by the negativity around you and the LIES OF THE enemy! “You’re not worthy of God’s blessings.” “He can’t use you!” “Remember what you did??” AHHHHH! So my question is, why is the negative so heavy on us and the positive remains skinTy???? Because if we’re being honest (remember SELF HONESTY IS THE BEST HONESTY👀), most of us will believe the negative about ourselves or even the lies the enemy will drop in our mind than we will the positive because it’s just easier to believe! You tell an intelligent, beautiful hardworking single woman that she will one day meet an amazing man who will love, respect and honor her as she’s always desired and I guarantee you’ll see a look of uncertainty on her face even if she says she “receives it!” Or you tell a young, black man in an underprivileged neighborhood that if he works hard and goes to school that he’ll one day have the career, family and life he wants without selling drugs, etc. – you’ll probably get a “yeah iight.” type response! This mind frame is because we’re thinking beneath us because we focus on our ability or the circumstances around us instead of our BIG GOD and the blessings He has, can and WILL provide for us! But wait…. there’s more!!! Then we try to do it ourselves and we end up disappointed because of how things turn out because we aren’t leaning on who we’re supposed to lean on….GOD! This mindset is also because we honestly lack FAITH at times!!! Faith doesn’t have to see it but will still allow you to believe that greater is coming!!! Sometimes I think we’ve gotten so spoiled and we’re just used to God throwing blessings that when He has to take His time on a blessing and we’re not ready for it – we pout and try to do it ourselves and complain and all those shenanigans instead of just staying prayerful and remembering that God is NOT slack concerning His promises! If He said… you can count on it! We just have to stay faithful and prayerful even when it gets rough and there is no light in sight!

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve put things into my own hands; planned it all out just to have it KABOOM all in my face!!!! Because I was always so used to doing things myself (when I didn’t have to because God was there then just waiting but anywhoo…), it’s sometimes easy to slip into that habit (thank God He checks me before I have a chance to make a mess of things!) but when I truly give it to Him – it may not work out how I expected it to work out but it works out perfectly! So I’ve had to keep reminding myself when the enemy tries to bring negative thoughts, etc. to my mind – my light shines bright because the SON is all around me! It’s not in me or what I do but it IS in me submitting my life, my thoughts, my WHOLE self to Jesus and allowing Him to truly work in me and through me! Don’t get me wrong – in some things, it’s easier said than done but as you do it, it truly does get easier; especially when you’re constantly in prayer, fasting and reading the Word! I am not selling anyone a dream! Listen! I’ve tried the product and it works!!! JESUS TRULY DOES WORK!!!!!! Like, people are so afraid to give Him a try and that’s what gives me my drive to get beyond myself (because sometimes I doubt myself…. ya’ll pray my strength – I am human but I am getting better) and talk about what He’s done for me because if you KNEW me then you KNOW that Jesus saves. delivers. set frees. restores. revives. refreshes. AND renews because I wasn’t a hot mess – I was THEE hot mess… BUT GOD!! But I also want to show that even though He has changed me – it ain’t easy street! I still have battles just like everyone else but the difference is God lightens my load…. when I’m smart enough to give it to Him!!…..

Okay….. so I got a LOT more to say – a little more detailed BUT I gotta break it up for yall!! See ya next time!!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕

Prepared for Greater: THANK YOU!

“If it had not been for the shaking,

I never would have been ready for the making, no

If it had not been for the beating,

I would have never knew how anointed I would be.

If it had not been for the pressing,

I wouldn’t be able to walk into my destiny.”

 

I am sitting here listening to Jekalyn Carr’s “Greater is Coming” with tears in my eyes because as I listened to the words of this song, it made me think of what I’ve gone through in my own life and without it, I probably wouldn’t be where I am today. It also confirmed to me God’s desire for me to write this post as He put it on my heart to do so, Sunday evening.

Nobody likes to feel pain. We don’t like to be uncomfortable. Yet, sometimes those are the very things that make our lives more powerful than we could have ever imagined. At least, that’s how I feel about my life. For those who have been on this journey with me from the beginning – you’ve read of the things that I have gone through in my life. You’ve read about the insecurities. The bullying. The abuse – mentally, emotionally, sexually and physically. You’ve read how I considered suicide. You know that this has not been an easy journey in the least. This isn’t something anyone would read and say – “Ooooo I want her life!” No – this isn’t the fairy tale story you dream of as a little girl. Yet, if I could talk to young Kiesha right now – I’d look that little girl in the eyes – eyes full of hopes & dreams and the soul crushing desire to be loved and I’d tell her that this journey is going to hurt. That it’s going to test all the strength she has within her and even what she doesn’t; that she’d be betrayed beyond what she thought possible and that it’s going to hurt her and break her heart in more pieces than anyone could count  – but I’d tell her that in time she will realize that it’s WORTH IT!

I think back over this past weekend – the vision that God gave me for Broken Beautifully – to reach women – old and young to help them see themselves as God sees us: Beautiful. Fearless. Worthy. Priceless. Amazing. Strong. POWERFUL. I saw the vision play out right before my eyes and I am in complete awe of God! Our FIRST annual women’s service, “The Power of A Woman When The Power of God is Within Her!” was nothing short of amazing. I saw women lay before God and surrender themselves. I saw women come together to encourage and help one another. I saw women literally carrying each other as they gave themselves and their burdens to God. I saw support. I saw power. I saw LOVE. As I watched this play out before my eyes – God let me know, “you see why you cannot give up?” This is not to say there is any power in me – I am simply a willing vessel. However, God uses the things we’ve gone through as our testimony and ultimately our ministry and with what I saw Saturday, I think to myself – what if I would’ve given up? What if I would’ve cancelled the service because it didn’t seem as though it was coming together? What if I would’ve cancelled it because there wasn’t as much support as I was hoping for? The blessings that fell from Heaven; the deliverance that took place; the Word; the fellowship – all of that would’ve not happened on that night, in that place, all because I would have allowed what was going around to hinder what I know God is doing & using within me! But before all of that – what if I had never gone through the things I went through! There wouldn’t have been the vision of Broken Beautifully! Think of Jesus! His victory came AFTER He went through hurt, pain and betrayal! All of those things pushed Him towards His destiny and ultimately gave Him ALL POWER!

During the open panel discussion – Evangelist Tiffiney Birdsong told us that we should THANK those who have hurt us in the past! WHAT A GOLDEN NUGGET! Now some people would be like, “what???” But when you think about it – when you take the hurt and pain you’ve gone through and allow God to use that for good – your life will be transformed because you realize – through trying to help someone else, God is healing me and not only that – GOD IS USING ME! (OH to be used by God! Nothing like it!)

If it had not been for the restless nights. The millions of tears cried. The heartache and heartbreak. The neglect. That hate. The bullying. The BREAKING – I wouldn’t have been put back together even better than I was before!

I wanna tell anyone who is battling with brokenness still – GIVE IT TO GOD! Let go of all the hurt and pain – it won’t be easy but it will be worth it and one day, I promise you – one day you’ll be able to genuinely do what I am about to!

I dedicate this post and I truly thank from the bottom of my heart to each person who has done/said the following:

  1. Lied on, talked about, hated on me.
  2. Physically abused me.
  3. Sexually abused me.
  4. Mentally abused me.
  5. Emotionally abused me.
  6. Falsely accused me.
  7. Plotted against me.
  8. PREYED on me.
  9. Cheated on me.
  10. Made me feel or called me ugly, fat or anything in the ugly/fat family.
  11. Not had my best interest at heart.
  12. BROKE ME.

You have made this journey interesting. You’ve made this journey rough at times but ultimately you pushed me into the arms of the most wonderful man I’ve ever known – JESUS CHRIST and His love has refreshed, revived and restored me in ways that I never thought possible! He has given my life purpose in Him and in the process, He has blessed me with amazing people that truly support, inspire and push me to keep HIM first and to be the best version of myself EVERY DAY! So y’all ROCK like an unstable cradle! I love y’all the long way and know that you meant it for my bad but God TURNED IT – turned it so much that instead of bad, I am PRAYING for your prosperity and favor and that one day God will change your life as He did mine!

Peace. Love. And Good Skin.

 

With Broken Beautifulness,

-Kiesh

Love Yourself Enough To Love Yourself Enough: Stop Accepting The Cycle of Being Abused!

Omgosh, Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! It seems like it’s been forever since I wrote a post but last night, when writing some things out in my journal – God nudged me, “You need to talk about this!” so of course, here I am!

So I’ve talked to you guys before about being in abusive relationships but I want to discuss accepting abusive behavior when it comes from a family member or close friend! See sometimes, it’s easier to notice abusive behavior from everyone except family members or people we’ve been friends with for a long time and we continue to enter into the cycle of allowing them to speak to and treat us however they want to whenever they want to because they’re family or have been in our lives for a long time! I am here to tell you that regardless of blood lines or history – ABUSE IS NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had an issue come up over this past weekend; something that has constantly happened to me throughout my life and Friday – after I cried those tears, I told God that I couldn’t do it anymore! See abuse doesn’t just have to be someone putting their hands on you or cussing you out; abuse can be any negative behavior or words that make you feel or see yourself as less than you are! For example, my issue is when you’re giving your absolute all to a situation; you’re doing things out of the kindness of your heart; trying to be there for a person; to show them you truly love them and every time they feel like it, they do or say things that make you feel like what you’re doing is never good enough and you’re just a horrible person! ABUSE! ABUSE! ABUSE! No matter what you do; what you say; how you approach it; how you leave it – you are the one that is wrong and they accept absolutely no responsibility for the words they say or how they make you feel! It sucks! I know! But that last part is key – how THEY make YOU feel!” We have to stop giving people the keys to how we feel about ourselves especially when it could be no further from the truth! See, one thing I realized is this, people will paint the picture of you when that’s how they actually see themselves! They just haven’t had a good dose of that what??? That’s right, SELF HONESTY! So they project! You’re doing all you can while they’re barely doing anything but they will make it out to be like you’re the one in the wrong! It’s crazy! The cycle comes because they’ll apologize or stop for a while and then as soon as you let your guard down – it starts all over again! It’s draining because just when you’re feeling like things are OK – the drama starts and it’s just too much!

I told God Sunday morning while getting ready for church, it’s a new day in Kieshatown because while I’ve stopped abuse from most people, it’s also important to stop within those that are closest to me, i.e. family members and close friends! Now, I’ve told y’all that I AM saved, saved so I don’t believe in that “I forgive them but I don’t want them around me!” but what I DO believe in is this, You love them with the love and WISDOM of Jesus! See we focus on the love part but I don’t think everyone gets that we aren’t just to be dumb out here letting people walk all over us! We are called to BE wise and associate with those who ARE wise! So this is what I believe: I will always love you. If you truly need me, I will be there. However, what I will NOT do is put myself in situations to allow you to abuse me. If you’re in my presence, lets laugh, play, conversate, etc. but I will not seek you out! That’s unwise! If the person has shown us who they are, why don’t we believe them? They could be the nicest person to everyone else but for whatever PERSONAL reason, they don’t treat us well which is fine! That’s their personal problem, it does not have to be yours! However they think or feel about you is their business and when their thoughts and feelings go against your true character, it’s not your business! They have the right to say and do whatever they want to but you also have the right to ignore it and not allow it to manifest in your spirit!

Jesus knew how the Pharisees felt about Him; however, He didn’t seek them out, they just always popped up in His space with their negatives words, thoughts and accusations but Jesus never let them ruin His vibe. He was in His space. In His element. He didn’t allow how they felt to dictate who He knew He was. We have to take that same attitude on. Letting someone ruffle our feathers based on who THEY say we are. That’s THEIR opinion and an opinion doesn’t mean it’s truth! At the end of the day, we all know who we are. We know our intentions. And so does God. So if you and God know – who cares what anyone (especially those who choose to see the worse in you) thinks??

One thing we talked about in Sunday School this past week was steadfast love! My uncle brought out something so important – REAL LOVE chooses to see the good in you even when there is bad there! So someone who constantly tells you about how bad you are when you’re doing everything in your power to do good to them, there is a lack of REAL LOVE in that relationship which is a flowing stream to constant abuse! See, with these people, they try to make you earn their love but we all know with the sacrifice of Jesus, that REAL LOVE is not earned, it is given, freely! So love them freely but keep in mind, they’ve shown you that their love is conditional and if you make one false move, BOOM! They will explode! So don’t expect anything from them so you’re not constantly disappointed!

Whoever is in your life – no matter that relationship, no matter how they treat you, you still love them but love them with WISDOM! Protect your space. Preserve your peace! Don’t seek them out! They have shown you that they are not truly for you regardless of what you do – so stop the ABUSE! Know who you are and don’t let anyone make you feel less than!

With Broken Beautifulness,

-Kiesh

Forever My Buddy💙

An unlikely friendship formed between us two;

But all along God knew what you had to go through.

He knew you’d need a friend, although we had a distant start;

He knew I had so much love to give within my heart.

I’ll miss you playing with the kiddies; believe me, they’ll miss you too;

I’ll miss you saying “What do you want LaKiesha?”; nobody can say it like you.

I’ll miss our conversations and mostly I’ll miss your loud laugh;

I’ll miss you singing to Paul Morton; but I promise, I won’t stay sad.

I know you’re not hurting anymore – that’s what helps me be okay;

It was time for your forever, so on this earth you could not stay.

But God has been working, even when we couldn’t see;

He just had to get you ready for your greatest journey.

6 months, 4 days; you fought for so long;

Don’t worry about MaMa – even in her weakness, God remains strong.

Our last talk, you told that I’ll always be your buddy;

You’ll forever be mine, Gregory Lynn; forever it will be.💙

I’m sorry!… wait… but why?

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy guys!!!!!! So this piece! Omgosh! Part of some of what I had been going through months prior!! This piece is covering something I’m sure a lot of us have gone through!! So…. here goes!

So I’ve told you guys I was a person that dealt with insecurity heavily in the past! I used to never feel good enough. Pretty enough. Smart enough. Thin enough, etc. I just didn’t like anything about how I looked on the outside or felt on the inside! However, through giving my life to God – learning who I am in His eyes, my confidence grew as well as me growing spiritually in Him! I get told so much how much I’ve grown. Girls and women telling me that I’ve encouraged them. Gods presence in my life was and is evident and I’ve told you guys before – last year I gave my ALL to Him! I stayed in my word and stayed on my knees praying to My Father! The Bible tells us that if we draw nigh to God, He will draw nigh to us & if I didn’t see it in anyone else’s life, I see it in mine! Now through all God had started doing in my life… showing me how to love myself; Broken, Beautifully; being filled with the Holy Ghost – I could sense a heavy presence of “feeling some kind of way!” There were people I came across that I discerned weren’t as happy on the inside as they portrayed to be on the outside of my growth in life! At first, it was like, “okay, maybe I’m trippin!” But the more I fought it – the more God showed me of the wolves in sheep clothing! Now my crazy self – instead of pushing through and not letting it get to me, I started muting what God was doing in my life! I started apologizing for God’s favor and the goodness that came outta my hard work! Isn’t that just the dumbest thing? But I guarantee I’m not the only one who has done it!

My uncle put it this way one night in Bible study! He said imagine two people entering a race. One trains at least 6 days a week and is eating right; while the other barely makes it to the gym 3 days a week & eats whatever they want! Race day comes and the one who trains hard. The one who started off the race a bit slower – picks up pace in the middle of the race & eventually wins! Then because the one that lost is “feeling some kind of way” – the winner goes and apologizes for winning! DUMB. DUMB. DUMB. Now this is in no way saying to boast in any favor or goodness in our life but it’s saying to stop being ashamed of Gods favor and apologizing for what He does in your life ESPECIALLY if you’ve put in the work to get to that point!

One thing I was so bad of doing and learning to get out of is to stop making people’s problems of me just living my life my own problem! They don’t like my personality? Personal problem. They don’t like my love for God? Personal problem. They don’t like my self confidence/Godfidence? Personal problem! I don’t walk around trying to make others feel bad about themselves but I try to compliment and encourage others when and where I can! Some accept it. Some look at me like I’m crazy but again that’s THEIR. PERSONAL. PROBLEM! We have to stop seeking acceptance from people and know that the only people that need to accept us is God and ourselves; if those two are good then the rest will follow and anyone that is meant to be in your life and is meant for your good – will be there!! I have struggled with wanting to be accepted by everyone so much in my life and a lot of choices I made went south because of that issue! When I reflect back on that and realize that the very ones I was trying to get to accept me are now nowhere in sight it confirms that acceptance from the wrong people is temporary! The people I have in my life right now – the ones I tell everything to and they know things about me that I’ve never shared with anyone – even those things I wish I could forget – omgosh they are like a dream! They accept my quirky, weird, extra, over the top, overly emotional, goofy self and it amazes me sometime how much they love me and push me to be the best I can be! That’s how it SHOULD be – it doesn’t matter where I am in my life – they support it and they push me to do better and I never have to apologize for it and I do the same for them!

If you find when you are growing and doing better in anyway and those around you start to feel some kind of way or act some kind of way or you get that feeling that you need to dim your light – you have some undercover haters in your midst! Now realizing this is the first step to A. making sure you don’t start feeling some kind of way towards them because of their attitude towards you and B. not allowing their problem to weigh you down and become your problem! So, what I started doing was this – I was honest about who those people were with God & myself; despite how close to me I thought they were and despite how upset it made me to realize they were actually being fake towards me the whole time. Once I was honest about it – I started really praying about it! I didn’t pray against them but I prayed against myself – for me to not let it bother me when I could tell they weren’t being genuine and also for God to give me a blind eye and a deaf ear to any further display of undercover haterism and also asked Him to help me to not apologize for what He was doing in my life and to help me to stop dimming my light because it made others uncomfortable!

Now, if you are like me – I spent a lot of years in a shell; not comfortable with myself; thinking I was less than nothing; thinking God could never use me and in the past two years, every thing I’ve thought, the last 30 years has been proven to be an absolute lie! So there are some who would have loved for me to stay in that shell – just like you – stay in your shell because then you’ll stay the same and won’t have any chance of being better! I’ve realized when you’re down, those not good for you type people, are your best friends! They stay in your face. Inviting you places. They’ll always be “there for you!” Checking in on you. However, as soon as you start to overcome and do better – you only hear from them every now & again when they wanna see if you’ve fallen although they disguise it as “how have things been with you?” hahahahahaha! I’m sorry – I just cracked my own self up!

Seriously though!!! Being happy about what God has done for you when you thought you were nothing; of overcoming past hardships when people told you that you’d never amount to anything; of being confident in your skin despite your size – STOP APOLOGIZING BECAUSE IT MAKES OTHERS UNCOMFORTABLE!!! You don’t have to boast to be excited!!! You don’t have to pretend either – be you for you!!

I am a happy, single, plus sized, God-loving, makeup wearing, goofy, fashion obsessed woman that loves to laugh, make others smile and feel better about themselves & who is allowing God to use me in the way He sees fit and I will no longer apologize! Make your declaration today too yall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Romans 5:3-5!

2 Timothy 1:8,9

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕💕

Spiritual Dryness!

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy guys!!! Omgosh, it’s been a little bit!!! When I was led to write this piece, I was so excited because I’ve missed it so much! But I’m not gonna be one to just write about meaningless things – what I share with you guys are very personal, very real experiences that I share to free myself and help someone at the same time!! So last Tuesday night, while talking to God and thinking on some things, He brought me here.

So!!! I did a couple videos a few weeks back about some things I had been going through months prior and how God was leading me to get through those things!! In the midst of going through those things, I didn’t realize that I allowed those situations to weigh on me so heavily that I was in a dry spell, spiritually. I was reading my Bible. I was in prayer. Yet, it seemed like I wasn’t connecting with God as closely as I was used too! See, I was telling God about everything on my mind and heart but I wasn’t GIVING it to Him! I wasn’t truly casting my cares upon Him!! So I was carrying burdens that I am simply not equipped to carry and that is not how God wants things to be. That’s what we do sometimes!

When you get saved, you’re under a microscope all of the time!!! Most are waiting for you to make a mistake, it seems and when you feel overwhelmed, sometimes it’s not as easy to let people know that you’re struggling a bit and even though it can be all over your face, not everyone sees it because they’re so busy waiting for you to fall! So even though I knew something was off, I knew I had to keep reading my Bible and praying!

So here I am, continuing in my routine and that’s how it was feeling too – like a routine! It felt so dry and disconnected! Like I know God was there – the dryness wasn’t on His part! I knew it was all me but I didn’t know what was causing it! I was so focused on the problems, knowing only God could solve them but still focused on the things that I had just told God about instead of focusing on Him!! That right there gets us every time!!! I always think of Peter! He was walking on the water to Jesus just fine until he started focusing on the storm around him! Keeping our eyes on Jesus is what takes us through the storm!

So since I wasn’t getting what was weighing me down, God started waking me up at like 3/4 in the morning, every morning!! I’d fight to go back to sleep! I was so tired all the time during those months! No matter how much I slept, I was exhausted! So I’m like, I gotta be up in 2/2 1/2 hours! He just kept waking me up! Kept waking me up! One night I woke up and just laid there! Then I said, “You must want me up, huh?” 🤦🏽‍♀️😂 And He did! My exhaustion wasn’t physical. It was mental. Even during the day, I was praying & reading but I was still focusing on other things during that time. Even dreaming about them so I never rested mentally! So when God started waking me up, I started reading my Bible and praying but at that hour, I wasn’t worrying about the daily issues at all! Only thing on my mind was sleep initially but then He helped me realize, “OK. God has me up for a reason!”

During that time, He let me see that I was in a dry spell! I was reading. I was praying but it wasn’t changing my mindset because I allowed my problems to block any effect they would have if I were open! Going through the motions is bodily exercise and the Bible tells us that it profiteth nothing! It’s good for nothing whatsoever! I had to literally practice the behavior of giving these things to God that I had never dealt with before!

One thing I’ve learned is a lot of people don’t tell you that a lot of the behaviors we need to change once saved, are behaviors that MUST be practiced! You don’t get patience overnight. It’s a learned behavior! You can’t just say you’re trying and then every time you get an opportunity to have patience you ignore it and do what you always have done! You can’t change that way! These were all new/recently resurfaced issues I was facing and I couldn’t just rely on what I had been doing on my normal, everyday walk! I had to go back to the manual (God) and seek instructions! We cannot lean on our own understanding to get through! We are not equipped and we are not reliable enough to overcome some battles we face! God has to sometimes remind us and take us back to when He first brought us out! We sometimes get way too comfortable! I know that was my issue! My dry spell came about because I was taking on things on my own! Thinking I could just keep on keeping on instead of going back to Jesus as a child, leaning on Him for help to get through!

Now some may look and judge and act as if there has never or will never be a time when a dry spell is present in their life and to those people who think that way, I sincerely pray it doesn’t! Looking back on it, it wasn’t fun! But I’m an honest person and I’m honest enough to say that sometimes God feels a million miles away from me and sometimes I feel a million miles away from God. I love Him. He loves me. But sometimes living saved is hard. Not to say I don’t want to be saved but I’m saying, it’s not all, “Hallelujah anyhow!” because of things like this! When you think you’re dotting every “i” & crossing every “t” to realize you’re on a hamster wheel, that can be very discouraging but it’s those very weaknesses that God needs us to bring to Him. He doesn’t look for us to be perfect but honest in the fact that we need Him every minute of every hour. Some folks act as though they’re on the right side of Jesus’ throne they’re so holy but I’ve found that kinda thinking gets me nowhere. I mess up. I fall asleep sometimes before praying. People get on my nerves at times. Sometimes, I don’t feel like reading my Bible. (Although I still do because as I tell God – I need to read, You don’t need me to read!) HONESTY! Rather it’s spiritual dryness or overcoming an addiction – we have to be honest in our mess to overcome our mess!!!

Now, I’m a firm believer that anything God allows us to go through and get through, He wants us to GROW through! So I’m a lot more conscious about leaving my crap at the throne! Sometimes it’s hard! Someone talks about it. Or you see it. It’s like, ugh! But whatever it may be the important thing is to try to do better!!

Lastly, anyone that is going through what they feel is spiritual dryness, don’t feel ashamed!!!!!! More have been there than you think! Talk to someone you trust if you feel you cannot get out of it on your own! Have them pray for you and with you! Be honest about what you’re going through! And please, don’t give up! It may seem like God isn’t there but He is right there and is simply waiting on you!!!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕💕

Breathe & Stop…!

Heyyyyyyyyy y’all!!!!! Omgosh! What a crazy couple of weeks it’s been!!!! Where I’ve been is the root of this piece but at the time I had no idea it would be!!!

See there has been soooooo much going on in my life and I’ve always been the type to pile on and pile on and just keep going until I run out of energy and finally some kind of explosion of emotion would take place after a while to release all the frustration, exhaustion, irritation, etc. which was one vicious, unhealthy cycle. Now that I am aware of those unhealthy habits – I try my best to avoid them! So this time around – when I realized how heavy everything had been weighing on me, I decided to go on vacation! Now I didn’t go out of town – I was still here in happy Ohio 🙄 but I cut myself off from pretty much everyone and limited myself to pretty much just work and straight home. The cares of this life can completely kill ones spirit and I felt like I was dying! I was reading my word – I was praying – I was going to church but my heart still felt so heavy! So God led me to take some time away and just have some down time for myself and spend some quality, unrushed time with Him!

At first, it felt so odd! I mean running here and there – trying to be there for everyone is my day to day routine and to not do that was just so weird but it was something that was necessary for me if I was going to get out of the spiritual and mental rut I was in. We take so much on everyday and we try to be strong thinking that admitting we are running out of juice means we aren’t as strong spiritually, mentally and physically as we seem but we forget that WE. ARE. HUMAN!!! We cannot keep running and running without taking time to get ourselves charged back up in every way! Sometimes you need to be away in order to remember why you’re running so hard in the first place! See for me, after God saved me, I mean really saved me – pleasing Him became the most important thing to me so things that I may have ignored previously, I just couldn’t anymore. Now the enemy definitely tried to make me think that me feeling overwhelmed meant that I wasn’t really saved or that my relationship with God was lacking but that’s what that fool does… spread LIES!! He wants us to believe that us being human means we are damaged goods and can’t get closer to God but I’ll tell you like the old saints used to say… HE’s A LIE!!!

So at first, it was weird but I stuck with it! First thing I did was just let God know everything I was feeling! Reading my Bible and praying was good but before I could start there, I had to release everything I was feeling. I think sometimes we forget how big God is and He wants us to cast all our cares upon Him!! It’s crazy that I know that but in the everyday hustle and bustle, I forget and carry weight that I was never meant to! At first I felt shame faced because I’m just thinking, “omgosh why did you let it get to this Kiesha?” but I had to push back and just get to it! It didn’t take long for the tears to flow because I was more overwhelmed than I initially thought! I don’t have it all together. I am overwhelmed. I need help! Lord, I need your help! I need you to show me how to balance this life and not drown in it! I need you to show me how to handle being criticized, lied on and talked about and still love those that do it withholding absolutely nothing!

See the thing is this – it’s not hard living your “Yes!” to God once you have a made up mind – what’s hard it’s dealing with the persecution that comes with it and not reacting how you used to before giving your life to God! I can’t cuss somebody out! I can’t go off on them! I can’t punch them in the face! Those were my before reactions! Now, I couldn’t react that way even if I wanted to but seeing how people treat you and talk about you on a daily basis! Mean for no reason! Plus working everyday, 8 hours a day! On top of family issues. People sick. People dying. On top of just trying to get enough rest to deal with the next days batch of woes – it can weigh one down!!! I know my heart now. I know my intentions. I know what I am going through. But most people don’t care! They’re so wrapped up in their own selves that you can be crying in the same room as them and they’d never even know it because they don’t pay any attention to you because you’re not a friend, family member, etc. That’s why it’s so important to be able to know how to reach God because people will leave you stranded and not care at all!! That’s why I knew it was time to get the time in with God! So Monday through Saturday – I took time for myself – I was in the bed around 8 pm every night; I limited my contact with people and I went home after work. I used the time to pray, fast and read my Bible – just reconnect with God!!

Y’all I feel like a new woman!!! No joke!!!! I know I have a bit of an advantage because I have no kids or spouse at this time but hey, if you’re even able to do a day – try it! God took a day to rest and I understand it more than ever – although I needed a whole week! The perspective I gained; the insight – totally worth the isolation! I was elevated mentally and spiritually and man, I’ll be making this apart of a regular routine because it’s exactly what I needed – rest and time to myself and time with my King!!!! No matter how strong we may be, no matter how much we can handle – it’ll be more the next day so take some time to simply, Breathe… and Stop!

With Broken Beautifulness,

Kiesh💕💕